What's Funny about a Redskins Gift?

Dear Dan Snyder,

We don't see eye-to-eye on many things, but I thought that I'd drop you a line to let you know that you're making money off of me being a Super Fan in these harsh economic times. Here's a list of all the Redskins items that I received for Christmas:

-Redskins Calendar. This way I can see my favorite players everyday of the year!

-Redskins Helmet window decal. This way everyone on the Dulles Toll Road can see who my favorite team is...everyday of the year!

-Redskins burgundy-and-white snow hat. For when I'm feeling cold and sporty.

-Redskins pink snow hat. For when I'm feeling cold and girly.

-Redskins "wine set". When I open a non-Redskins bottle of wine (I know, blasphemy) with the Redskins corkscrew and don't finish it off, I can put a Redskins bottle stopper or whatever they're called in there. Keep all my wine fresh. Maybe I'll buy some real bottles instead of relying only on boxed wine. NOT. I'll never give up my Boxed Wine Wednesdays.

-Redskins holiday greeting cards. I'm going to use these next year and send them to all my friends who don't support the 'Skins.

I should be honest and say that one of the snow hats (the pink one) and the holiday cards were part of a gag gift that my grandfather received and then handed over to me. I don't get the joke, though. What's funny about a Redskins gift?

Anyway, Dan Snyder, I'm going to keep advertising your team around here, and even when I drive up to New England tomorrow (I know--Patriots' country. I'm scared, too). Perhaps you can repay me with cash or Redskin wins. Just thowing that out there.

Merry Christmas!

Karen

Patriots Boyfriend's Gonna Lose Another Finger

Dear LaRon Landry,

Hi, pal! I hope that you're still basking in the glow from your awesome play-of-the-day from Sunday afternoon. I know that I am, vicariously (to Patriots Boyfriend: I know it's a big word; look it up). It's hard to say what I liked most about your hit on Reggie Brown; was it your effort? That it prevented the Eagles from scoring? That it prevented the Eagles from winning? That it (probably) prevented the Eagles from going to the playoffs? I just can't choose.

Not everything is sunshine and princess unicorns, though. I asked Patriots Boyfriend to count how many times our defensive players ALMOST caught interceptions, but he can't count very high on account of a series of tragic accidents that took away a thumb, pinky, and index finger, so I don't know for sure, but I'm betting that it was more than his seven fingers. What? Would I lie to you, LaRon?

Please catch all the inteceptions next time, or, in my ire, Patriots Boyfriend's gonna lose another finger.

Merry Christmas!

Karen

Please Stay Dead This Time

Dear Sammy Baugh,

I have a bone to pick with you. See, I kinda maybe sorta thought that you were kinda maybe sorta already dead before I heard your death announcement yesterday. This is so unfair to me because I'd already mourned you and now I have to all over again? Come on, you were over 90 years old; how was I supposed to know that you were still alive? Your jersey is also the ONLY Redskins jersey to ever be retired, so I must have figured that the organization would only honor someone with that if they had passed on.

Please stay dead this time, as I do not have the energy to keep mourning everytime I hear that you've died.

Thanks!

Karen

Thanks a Bunch, London Fletcher

Dear London Fletcher,

Thanks for reading my last letter to you and using my Susan Lucci reference in your rant about not making it to the Pro Bowl. Just one small problem, buddy; you're a guy complaining about not getting recognition (rightly), but then you didn't even give me the credit for coming up with the idea!

Thanks a bunch, London Fletcher,

Karen

P.S. See if I give you any ideas again ever.

You're the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl

Dear London Fletcher,

Despite your awesome name and the fact that you're one of the best linebackers in the NFL, you once again are the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl--only she eventually DID win an award for being an evil tramp on a soap opera that I've never watched. You have no such luck. I mean, it's not like you don't have 118 tackles so far this season or a whole host of other reasons why you should be in the Pro Bowl, so I'm pretty bummed on your behalf.

But who wants to go to Hawaii anyway, London Fletcher? Certainly not you! Here is a list to remind you that YOU are better than Hawaii any day of the week and you don't need them:

1. Huge insects. Here on the mainland, we call them "Cowboys," but in Hawaii they're almost as bad. How'd you like to check into the swanky hotel the NFL puts you up in, only to find a centipede the size of a cat in your bed?

2. Volcanos. You never know when one is going to spew hot lava and kill you! Maybe you're meant to be the best (living) player of the 2009-10 season.

3. Hawaii is surrounded by water. When the volcanos erupt, you'll be forced to swim or steal a boat to get away. Since you're an honorable guy and wouldn't steal, you're looking at a long, unpleasant backstroke.

4. Muu-muus. This is what Hawaiians think is high fashion. Do you want to walk around seeing that? Didn't think so.

5. Surfers. The Hawaiian surfers won't talk to you because you're not Hawaiian, and all the other surfers talk like that "Dude! You're getting a Dell!" kid that got arrested for attempting to buy pot. ("Dude! Don't get caught next time!"). Either way, you want to avoid them and their surfboards. People can die from surfing, you know. I'm sure that more people have died from that than from playing linebacker in the NFL. I need a human encyclopedia to look that up for me, though, because I'm far too important to do it myself.

Anyway, London Fletcher, don't feel down that you're not going to Hawaii--CELEBRATE that you're not going there and being hit by surfers wearing muu-muus, taking their boards over waves of hot lava as they try to escape from the gigantic bugs. I know that I will celebrate not going to Hawaii every night before I go to bed by downing another bottle of Jack Daniels in an attempt to keep warm in this horrible weather. Stupid Hawaii.

Love,

Karen

At Least JMU Made it to the Playoffs

Dear Chris Cooley,

Dude. I can't believe that you fumbled so early in that game. Why do you want to hurt me? Is it because I said that Clinton Portis is my favorite player? You're almost definitely number two, so I don't believe that I should be punished this way.

I started off my weekend by driving down to Harrisonburg and wound up watching the JMU Dukes lose to the Montana Stupid Grizzlies in the Division 1AA Semi-Finals; I thought that all those turnovers from the Dukes would be the worst football I'd see all weekend. Then I watched you guys on Sunday afternoon and discovered how wrong I was. I mean, at least JMU made it to the playoffs and one of their players (Scotty McGee) has a drink named after him. Do you have a drink named after you, Cooooooley? Answer: nope. I googled it and came up with squat ("McGee" ingredients: 1 shot vodka, 1 shot cranberry juice, 8 oz. ginger ale; "McGee" streetname: "JMU Ginger").

Anyway, Cooooooley, before you wonder whether this letter is really just to brag about my college team being better than you guys, let me just say that it is. Wonder no more.

Your fumble, though, gave momentum to the Bengals and they held on for the rest of the game. So, thanks for that fumble. And thanks for taking away our playoff chances. I mean, even Shaun Suisham made his field goals! Ryan Plackemeier had some awesome punts, too! Everything else mostly sucked, though. All because you gave our momentum away. I suppose that it was a nice early Christmas present to Cincinatti, but what are they giving us this year? Probably not a win. You screwed us in this gift exchange. Since you can't make it up to me by getting us into the playoffs, you can make it up another way: Christmas cheer and lots of it (also known as egg nog and buckets of rum) delivered to my apartment.

Waiting on my "Cheer,"

Karen

P.S. I'm glad that I gave up on Fantasy Football because I'm betting that you would have gotten me negative points this week.

I Really Wanted You on My Now Defunct Fantasy Team

Dear Clinton Portis,

By now I think that you know that you're my favorite player; I wear your jersey every gameday and I really wanted you on my now defunct fantasy football team (never play in a league with 18 freaking teams...no one has good players. Thanks a lot, stupid Redskins Brother). Sometimes I cringe, though, when I read your comments, like just the other day when you trashed Jim Zorn on the radio.

I think you're also aware that Jim Zorn isn't my favorite Redskins coach ever (this coveted title goes to Saint Joe Gibbs), BUT he's still your coach and your boss. Okay, maybe not your boss. Dan Snyder will keep you around longer than he'll keep Zornyboy, after all (I still say that he's waiting to snatch Bill Cowher from CBS). Regardless, you can't sarcastically tell Washington, D.C. that Zorn is a "genius". That's kind of a jerk move no matter how stupid his plays are to you (and the rest of us). I'm glad that you guys kissed and made up yesterday, but I want you to be on your best behavior for the rest of the season so that I don't see you on the bench again. Do you know how it felt, seeing you sitting there, wondering if you were perhaps injured and the coaches just weren't telling us? It felt horrible. I even thought of crying...though that was mostly after we lost and I was mad because I'd rooted for the dumb old Lame-triots for Patriots Boyfriend earlier that day and they'd won, but when Patriots Boyfriend rooted for the Redskins, we still lost. Clearly, my rooting is better than his...for other teams...crap, that's not helpful.

Anway, please play nice with the coach and please beat the Bengals on Sunday. Redskins Hater says that you guys are going to lose; I hope that Redskins Hater isn't in another car accident like he was after the last time he talked trash. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

You've Been Truthed!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.

But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):

1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?

2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.

3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?

4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!

No Regards,

Karen

P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.

Play Like You're Actually Good at Your Job

Dear Carlos Rogers,

I'm not going to blame our loss to the Giants on you (that's what we have kickers and coaches for), but I feel that I must reprimand you for something. Do you remember Eli Manning throwing the football right to Shawn Springs? You might have missed that as you dove right in front of Shawn and made sure that neither of you got the ball. So, um, why'd you go and do that? First, isn't it kind of a jerk move to steal a play from your teammate? Second, if you're going to steal an interception from your teammate, shouldn't you at least GET THE FREAKING INTERCEPTION?

Also, there was another play where you missed a tackle. Way to go. You know who else missed a tackle once? Leigh Torrence. Think about it.

As you get ready to play the Ravens on Sunday night, please remember to play like you're actually good at your job. Obviously I always want / need the Redskins to win, but this game is especially important because Patriots Boyfriend has been complaining constantly that he needs the Ravens to lose to help out the Gaytriots and says that he'll stop rooting for the Redskins if they don't win. It's cute that he believes that I care about his team's playoff chances or, you know, what he thinks because I don't, but I DO care if he's complaining all the time. It's annoying!

Please Win!

Karen

Bet You Want to Know What We Call Mangini and Reid!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I made a list of all the crappy things that your guys did yesterday, but I don't have it on me right now so I guess that I'll have to wing it. Kinda like what you did yesterday with your playbook.

We are never going to make the playoffs if we can't convert on third downs!!!! I simply do not understand why Jason Campbell throws to players inside the first down line when we're on third down. It makes absolutely no sense. Even if one of our guys catches the ball, he's usually brought down immediately, making sure that we have to punt the ball away.

Here's another problem: Shaun Suisham. I know that it's easy to blame things on the kicker (remember: kickers aren't people like us), but it's especially easy when he misses a field goal in almost every game. I've defended him for too long and you know what I've gotten out of it? Not field goals. He's missed eight field goals this season, and missed one in each of the last three games. That's a 72.4% success rate which translates to a D+ in Fairfax County Public Schools. That's the best that you guys can do? A D+? Awesome.

And how about those penalties? There's nothing better when you're losing than to shoot yourself in the foot, too. Kind of like when the Redskins are losing and I try to pick a fight with Patriots Boyfriend even though he won't fight with me when I have the craaaazy eyes (It's fun...I say things like Eric Mangini is a great guy and Bill Belichick is a terrible person and a cheater...which reminds me that Patriots Boyfriend wants the world to know that he hates Mangini with a fiery passion, but I can't repeat here what he calls him because it's wildly inappropriate. I said it about Andy Reid yesterday, though, and I don't think that Patriots Boyfriend had ever been so proud of me).

Sigh. You disappoint me very much, Zorn.

Keeping from Weeping,

Karen

P.S. Heard on WMZQ this morning from DJ Brian Egan (regarding Malcolm Kelly and how he and the "young guys" can't catch any balls: "He can't even catch a cold!" I laughed.

What Are the Rules for That Up There?

Dear Sean Taylor,

I hope that you can read this up there in Heaven. I'm assuming that's where you are because that's where all Redskins go when they die (Cowboys and Eagles go to purgatory for one more chance to root for the 'Skins). A year and three days after your death, I think that Redskins fans all over have learned and seen a lot that they never expected.

We saw the team become more than a team as they mourned together and turned what was shaping up to be a losing season into a mad run to the playoffs...where we lost anyway...seriously, you couldn't help them out even a little? What are the rules for that up there?

We saw Saint Joe Gibbs retire from coaching for what is surely the last time.

We saw Clinton Portis clam up...and you know the world isn't right when he's not talking in a crazy costume.

We saw that Dan Snyder actually maybe has a heart as he stayed with your family through everything and took on all the expenses surrounding flying the team and their wives down to your funeral. I don't know if he was one of the people behind plexi-glassing your locker, but that was a cool move.

Most of all, Dan Snyder is doing the right thing by inducting you into the Ring of Fame this afternoon. It's a huge honor (I'm sure that you're aware) and you deserve it. So I guess that I can agree with Mr. Snyder on a few things...but he better not get too used to it.

Finally, Sean, I hope that you'll be our twelfth man for the rest of the season (we can't get in trouble for it if the refs can't see you!) starting this afternoon against the Giants. In the past we've had the "Five-and-oh, or we don't go!" chants and we've done it (and, of course, screwed up against Seattle in the first playoff game...but they can't go this year!), so please help out your team.

Love,

Karen

P.S. We'll always miss you.

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen

Your Future Plane Rides Depend Upon It

Dear Ladell Betts,

Hey, do you remember that time when we were playing the Seattle Seahawks and you fumbled the ball, we almost lost the game, but we didn't, and then we all had a good laugh about it?

Well, not me. I did not have a good laugh. I didn't even have a bad laugh--there was no laughing! Fumbles upset me, Ladell. Bunches. They also make me wonder why you hate the Redskins.

Is it because Clinton Portis is better than you and gets the ball more often? It's not really fair to hate someone because they're awesome, Ladell. Please keep that in mind. You should be glad that you're our number two guy...because clearly, we need someone who doesn't fumble the freaking ball and give the Seahawks plenty of time to come back and win the game. I will say that you're better than Shaun Alexander, but so is my 8-year old cousin. Hope.

I hope that after the game you bought Shawn Springs a nice steak dinner for saving your butt by intercepting on Matt "I Wish I Was as Cool as My Sister-in-Law Elisabeth" Hasslebeck. Without that interception, we might have lost and you would have gone home on a different plane from the rest of your team. It's been known to happen.

Anyway, I'm sure that we're not going to get rid of you (thanks to Shawn Springs), so please shape up. Your future plane rides with the team depend upon it.

No More Fumbles!

Karen

Your Glory Days Are Behind You

Dear Shaun Alexander,

So I'm not too sure why Jim Zorn wanted you on his team. I heard somewhere that you used to be good, but I've seen nothing to indicate that since you arrived. Dan Snyder has a habit of signing guys to the Redskins whose glory days are behind them and I think that's the case here, too. You will follow in the ranks of Deion Sanders (ugh...everytime a Cowboy wears a Redskins jersey a litter of kittens drown) and all the rest. Redskins Hater wants me to include Jason Taylor in this list, but that's too early to be seen--I mean, he's been injured for so much of the season. But that doesn't keep him from dancing. Does it?

Anyhoo, please start playing better. Keep in mind what happened to Durant Brooks and Leigh Torrence....

Ominously yours,

Karen

Paint My SUV!

Dear Jim Zorn,

What the hell, man? We lost to Dallas because you didn't hate them enough. It's like you just stood back there on the sidelines going, "Well, boys, we beat them last time so it's their turn to beat us. Now stop intercepting Romo's passes!" I don't mind telling you, Coach, that that is not a great gameplan. In fact, it's a terrible one.

It's bad enough that Redskin fans have to deal with seeing Cowboys fans everywhere we go. We shouldn't have to lose to them, too! I mean, sure we beat them in some areas; like you are a much better looking coach than Wade Phillips. Jason Campbell generally doesn't look as foolish as Tony Romo, Terrell Owens is a much bigger jerk than any of the Redskins, blah blah blah.

But that doesn't change the fact that we scored fewer points and lost the game. I'm pretty displeased and I think that you know it. Here are some things that you can do to get in my good graces again:

1. Win. It sounds complex, I know, but isn't that hard. I mean, the Tennessee Titans are doing it every week and we all know that THEY can't be better than us.

2. Paint my car burgundy with gold trim and require each starting Redskin to paint their own original picture on the hood and doors. Don't worry; I have an SUV so there's plenty of room.

3. Have the team clean my apartment. I win by not having to do it myself (or beg Patriots Boyfriend to do it for me) and you win by finding a unique punishment for the team members who screwed up on Sunday night.

4. Give referree Jeff Triplett a noogie for me. Not only will I enjoy it, but fans everywhere will. He kinds sucks as a ref, doesn't he? I bet that if you get fined, Tom Cruise's best gal pal will pay you back. He loves it when people are jerks...especially him!

You may choose any of my suggestions. I don't have a preference.

Get Better at Coaching Soon!

Karen

P.S. The Seahawks suck. If we lose to them, you're dead to me. If we beat them, though, it means nothing because we SHOULD beat them. Beat the Giants and maybe people will like you again.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?"

Dear Jason Campbell,

We have a problem. I could say that the problem is you, but it's not. You're doing okay. Just okay, though; don't go getting cocky. Redskins Dad blames you, but he's a Hater. Here's what he has to (um, wrongly) say:

1. On third downs, you need to stop throwing the ball to people who are several yards away from the first down line. Even when they catch the ball, they're tackled before they can get there. Now I love an exciting fourth-and-one situation as much as the next Redskin SuperFan (except...I'm the only one! At least I'm the only one clever enough to get a gmail account advertising it), but I don't enjoy being in the position where we have to decide to go for it or punt.

2. You shouldn't be quarterback. This is why Redskins Dad is a hater and why I'm totally going to stop speaking to him after I get all my Christmas gifts...or maybe I'll wait until after my birthday (April 8th! Buy me a drink!). Jason, I think that you can be a terrific quarterback. Maybe you'll never be Brett Favre or John Elway, but you'll also never be Ryan Leaf or Matt Cassell (take THAT, Patriots Boyfriend!).

Anyway, I told Redskins Dad that it's not your fault if your coach calls lousy plays. You're welcome.

Until you get a few more wins, though, you're going to have to deal with Haters. I work with a guy who calls himself a Redskin fan...but he's really a Hater. Week after week he gets to go to the games for free (yes, I'm bitter!) and comes into work on Monday (or Tuesday) with more complaints! It's always, "I'm disappointed" or "They suck" or "I'm gay." Yep. One's sexuality is determined by how much he or she roots for the Redskins. This is what brought on the whole "Homo for Romo" phenomenon in Dallas.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?" you might ask. Well, I'm GLAD you asked.

1. A Hater claims to love the Redskins, but bashes them at every opportunity. If you say "Good morning!" a Hater replies, "I'm not rooting for the Redskins anymore."

2. When you stick up for your team because you actually know what true loyalty is, Haters will snarkily tell you to stop kidding yourself. They will also claim that "snark" isn't a word. If you offer to get a dictionary, they won't let you because they know that you are right (especially when you're a freaking editor)!

3. A Hater won't admit that the Redskins did anything well. When you point out that interception by DeAngelo Hall and how great it was, the Hater will refuse to give him any credit. A Hater will reply that if Hall caught more interceptions, maybe the Redskins wouldn't have lost (...sometimes it's difficult to argue with facts like that, but Haters still suck for their disloyalty).

4. A Hater will complain that they got "nothing" from sitting out for several hours in the cold while at the game (seriously...they will...Redskins Hater just came up and said it after reading over my shoulder). You know what, though? There are tons of LOYAL fans that would LOVE to get FREE tickets to Redskin games and would never complain about sitting in the cold, supporting the team that they adore.

There you have it, Jason Campbell. That's what a Hater is. How can you avoid a Hater? Well, don't come to my office and don't go to my parents' house. But you can come to my apartment in Ashburn after practice anytime you like. I'll give you beer and homemade party mix and I promise not to burn it. Invite any of the rest of the guys, too. There's room for you all if no more than thirteen of you want to sit down.

Love,

Karen

By "Job" I Mean "Paid for Sunbathing"

Dear Jim Zorn,

Are you playing Clinton Portis or not? Enquiring minds (just mine) want to know! Can you just tell ME? I promise that I won't tell anyone else. See, the thing is, I'm freaking out a little here. It could be all the Red Bull-and-vodkas I've had or it could be my insecurity over the Redskins' skills. It's a toss up. Anti-Redskins Best Friend would say it's the vodka, but she's wrong about anything that's sports-related, so there you go. Always wrong.

I recently (like ten minutes ago) read something from some Dallas newspaper saying that the Cowboys are assuming that CP is playing. Now, I want him to play more than you do (I do!!!), but I also don't like any Cowboys being right. So I don't even know what to pray for (I also hate ending sentences with prepositions, but what am I going to do? Besides, I doubt that most people who read this know what prepositions are). Anyway, I want Portis to play. I also want to screw with the Cowboys. I'm sure that there is a way that both of these things can happen. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have Clinton Portis dress up in a Durant Brooks jersey. The Cowboys are too stupid to know that he's not our punter anymore; Portis can kick and even catch the ball all by himself, even though that's not really his job. That's how good he is.

2. Instead of instant replays, show local Clinton Portis commercials on the Jumbotron. The Cowboys will be confused. How can he be on that screen and be at the game at the same time? That doesn't seem possible. Clearly, he can't be playing. Foolish Cowboys.

3. Clinton Portis should play poorly for the first half and lull the Cowboys into a false sense of security (just like Anti-Redskins Best Friend's bunny rabbit does before she scratches the hell out of me) and then when the third quarter starts--BAM!! He goes crazy and gets mad yardage and schools the Cowboys. I will buy the DVD of that game. I will even start the bidding at $1 billion dollars. Anyone want to beat that? I doubt it. I win.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, you should tell the world that Portis isn't playing, and then at the last minute, tell the world that they are idiots for believing you because Clinton Portis is the man and he'll be there. At the game. Winning it for Washington. All Redskin fans will bow down before you and even worship you in a creepy way if you beat Dallas TWICE in your first season of coaching. Also, two wins against Dallas = five free years of coaching. You'll have' a job for years!!! I wish I had a job for years. And by "job" I mean, "paid for sunbathing".

You know about sunbathing, right? At least you're familiar with tanning beds. Patriots Boyfriend still asks me about that. And I still hit him. Until he hits back. Sigh.

Beat Dallas!!

Karen

Please Look at Your Backups!

Dear Clinton Portis,

Are you better yet? We need you to play on Sunday night for many different reasons. Here they are:

1. For the love of God, please look at your backups! Your backups aren't as good as you. Also, I've never heard of ONE player having FOUR backups! That's pretty sweet. You should see if you can get them to cover for you outside of games, too. If you can't show up for an Eastern Motors commerical shoot, just ask Mike Sellers to take your place, for example. I'm sure that he can sing that annoying jingle just as well as you can.

2. Your yards-per-season record. Come on, you almost have 1000 yards! How are you ever going to beat Eric Dickerson's record if you don't play in every game? To beat his record you currently need to get 159 yards per game, including this one. If you don't play in this game, that jumps up to about 185 yards. That doesn't seem quite as doable.

3. This. Is. Dallas. Come on, please play? We HAVE to beat the Cowboys! Are you willing to sit on the sidelines and watch us potentially lose? We're honoring Darrell Green and Art Monk at this game. If we lose because you didn't play, I have it on good authority (or do I?) that they might sprain your other MCL. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, you should play, but the team should continue to tell the media (and the dirty Cowboys) that you aren't playing so that you'll surprise everyone...especially Dallas.

Get Well Soon!

Karen

We All Do Things to Shame Ourselves

Dear Leigh Torrence,

Wow. You were let go. I definitely saw that coming as addressed in my last letter to you, but I had no idea how much attention Coach Zorn pays attention to my blog. Apparently he reads it often and respects my irrefutable advice.

We all make mistakes, Leigh; you didn't cover your guy in the game versus the Rams, and last night I drunkenly swore up and down to Patriots Boyfriend that he was wrong in thinking that the Arizona Cardinals are in the NFC. "They're AFC West!" I shouted. "You don't even need to look it up!" I proceeded to do a happy "I'm right!" dance before he showed me that I was wrong. Then he spent the next half an hour trying to coax me out of my room because I refused to come out and face that I was wrong about something.

See? We all do things to shame ourselves. Luckily for you, you'll never shame the Redskins again! Good news! The bad news is that you don't get to play for the best team ever (The Redskins) again, either. Sorry.

Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors. Maybe next time you won't allow the Rams to score on us.

Bye!!!

Karen

I Made Up a Song

Dear Jim Zorn,

Did you miss me during your bye week? I'm sure that you did. You don't even have to say anything because I already know.

We have a very big game on Sunday night and I want to make sure that you're prepared. Previously, I've castigated you on your lack of burning hatred for the Dallas Cowboys. Have you fixed this yet? It's kind of important. If we lose because you didn't hate enough, well, you'll be getting more letters, mister!

I was sad that we didn't have a game yesterday, but I made myself feel better by drinking lots of wine and hard cider at a party. When I got home I made up a song regarding Sunday Night Football. Here it is in it's entirety:

I love football
I love football
I love football
And I can't wait to watch!

I love football
I love football
I love football
And I can't wait to watch!

It's rather repetitive, I know, but this makes it easier to remember. I debated on whether to post it because I don't know how many Cowboys fans read this (um, none?) and the Cowboys are known for stealing Redskin songs (like "Hail to the Redskins". They copyrighted it out from under us--before I was born!!). You may share it with the rest of the Redskins team if you like (but it's more of a fan song).

Anyhoo, please instruct your team to play like they did the last time we played (and beat!) the Cowboys. If you don't, I will.

Sincerely,

Karen

If You Didn't Lose, I Wouldn't Whine

Dear Jim Zorn,

Know what I'm voting for today? Never seeing the burgundy-on-burgundy uniforms again. This is something that everyone in Washington will clamor for, regardless of political affiliation. Republicans and Democrats will reach across the aisle, join hands, sing "Hail to the Redskins" and be happy for about five seconds that they've finally agreed on something!

Also, I haven't voted the Redskins ticket for the Pro Bowl yet and I refuse to until you stop making me cry. I'm sitting here, hopped up on caffeine with the jitters all because of you. Coffee kept me up until 1:30 am because I wanted to stay awake for the entire game (thanks so much for losing!) and then when I got up at 5:00 am I had to have more to stay awake for the rest of today because Patriots Boyfriend thinks that Red Bulls are free game at my apartment and drinks them like they're water so I'm completely out and you know what else? I hate coffee! I hate the jitters! And I hate waiting in line for an hour and half to vote and being late to work and can't you do something about that since I vote in Ashburn and that's where the Redskins are?

*Takes deep breath* So. I'm caffeinated, nauseated, and sad all at once. And hungry. And I've sneezed like twice.

All because you lost to the Steelers in the burgundy-on-burgundy uniforms. Thanks, Zorn.

Don't Care if I'm Whiny,

Karen

You Wound My Soul

Dear Redskin Team,

You wound my soul and break my heart.

Crying myself to sleep,

Karen

P.S. Why? For the love of God, why? :'(

"They're Big, Bad, and They're Mean!"

Dear Santana Moss,

Please come out and play tonight! We need you! I hear that you're "questionable" and my question is how can you do this to us?! I know that you got hurt last Sunday and I understand the importance of getting better, blah blah blah, but you have thirteen whole days to get better after this game! That's tons of time! So what if you get a tiny bit banged up tonight? Won't it be worth it to beat the Steelers?

Come on. I know that you have it in you to be awesome tonight. Don't you want to do another 80-yard punt return for a touchdown? Of course you do! So get out there and get it done. I won't take no for an answer.

Oh, and if you DON'T play and we LOSE? You're in trouble. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

P.S. Check out this page and click on the Redskins version of the song to get you in game mode: http://www.thelosttrailers.net/football/?account_id=220380 The band is from Alexandria, so no matter how many versions there are, the Redskins one is the REAL one. I'm almost 100% sure. And I will fight anyone who says differently...or get Patriots Boyfriend to do it. He likes to hit. :-(

Italian Beef Everywhere!!!

Dear Jason Campbell,

What's with the fumbles, Jason? I have to know. You were doing so well for so many games and now look at you.

It's hard for me to make fun of you, though, because you just seem so nice and you always look like you KNOW that you messed up. Other guys would laugh it off and I'd scream at them through the TV, but not you. You show a great balance of taking the blame while still soldiering on.

Monday night is a big game. Perhaps you didn't know, but the Redskins have accurately predicted the winner of the popular vote for the last seventeen elections. Actually, in my not-so-humble opinion, they've predicted the winner flat out. You see, Jason, the last Redskins home game prior to the election determines the election results: if the Redskins win, so does the incumbent party. Likewise, if the Redskins lose, the incumbent party loses. Only one time was the winner not accurately predicted; let's review:

It was October 31, 2004, and we were playing the Green Bay Packers on a Sunday afternoon. I'd already insisted to my Packers Friend that she needed to root for the Redskins if she wanted President George W. Bush to win again, though to this day I'm not sure if I convinced her. Maybe it was the George W. Bush thing. Anyway, I watched in horror as the Redskins were falsely penalized right and left for a total of 82 yards...okay, maybe not every single penalty was a mistake, but I still remember my outrage from that game, so I'm pretty sure that some of them were bad calls. Anyway, when the game was done I swore up and down the the president would be re-elected (don't judge me--he didn't suck as much then) because the Redskins SHOULD HAVE won.

And I was right. He did win. And the Redskins should have won.

So what does this mean for Monday night? Well, here it is: I don't know your political affiliations, but you can't lose this game on purpose just because you don't want a President McCain. I don't care if Barack Obama (haha...I typed O'Bama accidentally...he could be our first black Irish president!) is your brother or cousin (well...you're both black, so there's a chance, right? Bill Gates and I are both white and I keep writing to him, asking for money for me, his cousin, but he ignores me: www.letterstobillgates.com), you still can't throw a game. Also, Obama is a Chicago Bears fan and do we really want someone like that in the White House? There'll be Italian beef everywhere!!! Hmm...maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

Anyhoo, don't throw the game! And congrats on half a season without an interception! You're doing great, so work on not fumbling.

Thanks!

Karen

Thanks for Listening!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm sorry. We came close to losing yesterday and it's my fault: I didn't wear my jersey or my lucky jeans.

Come to think of it, this is Patriots Boyfriend's fault. He ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I had to go with him, making me unable to wear my lucky jeans. Anyway, because he actually finished the race (03:48:53!!!!!) we knew that we couldn't get to Ashburn by game time, so we went to a bar in Rosslyn instead. Anyway, Patriots Boyfriend is apparently great at running marathons and I'd suggest that you hire him except that as a Patriots fan, he is clearly untrustworthy. This is why there is a combination lock on my fridge; if he wants milk, he has to buy the cow first.

Since we won, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. Also, Redskins Dad told me that I'm being too mean. I told him that he's worthless and a horrible father and doesn't know what he's talking about. (Me? Mean?! Bah!) Then I decided that if you listened to anything I say ever, I could tone down the snark.

And you did! In a letter to former (yay!) punter Durant Brooks, I said not to let Antwaan Randle-El do punt returns because he's bad at it. You MUST remember because you listened to me (even though you shouldn't be reading another person's mail--no matter how bad a player he was). Thanks for putting Moss in because Santana Claus brought us an awesome gift with that 80-yard punt return.

Anyhoo, please beat the Steelers on Monday night. Or you'll be hearing from me.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. Check out my awesome new header! My work buddy, JR, created it for me! Thanks, JR!

For Shame, Jim Zorn

Dear Jim Zorn,

What's the deal with getting all these (well, two) former Seattle Seahawks on our team? I mean, Ryan Plackemeier is much better than Durant Brooks, but so is everybody else. I bet that Sonny Jurgenson could suit up and beat the crap out of Durant Brooks, blindfolded. Sonny is sort of my hero (reports of drunk driving nonwithstanding). A commenter on this esteemed blog (it's esteemed by me!) questioned why we picked up that hack Shaun Alexander instead of young, fresh, awesome Marcus Mason. I wonder, too.

Mason is absolutely great. Maybe he's not a Chris Horton and maybe he was only absolutely great against second- and third-string opposing players during preseason, but shouldn't that have have been enough to secure a position with us? I mean, really, when you were looking at all the rookies that you drafted, you decided that Durant Brooks was a winner and Marcus Mason, with his crazy breakaways and awesome yardage, just didn't have what it takes?

I don't care if Shaun Alexander knows your offense already; if you'd kept Mason on from the beginning, he would not only know the offense, but he'd also have been practicing with Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts and learning from them. Now Mason is on the Baltimore Ravens' practice squad and if that's not a horrible place to be, I don't know what is (besides Dallas and Philadelphia).

For shame, Jim Zorn. For shame.

Disappointed in You,

Karen

P.S. You should know that some important people might be reading this blog. The CBS announcers on Sunday said some of the very things during their in-game commentary that I've said in my letters! Like the thing about not reading Chris Horton's name because his hair covers the top of his jersey! That's classic Redskin Letters material! Gosh. All someone has to do is mention being slapped around by Patriots Boyfriend and I'll know that they're reading for sure!

Please Take My Threats Seriously

Dear Clinton Portis,

Congratulations on having 818 yards in seven games...that's pretty cool!

You know what's not cool, though, CP? FUMBLING. Yeah, I said it. You don't get a free pass from me just because Phil Dawson missed that field goal and no points were scored off of your horrendous error. If that field goal was made, we probably would have ended the game in overtime and perhaps LOST the game.

You're lucky that our defense is so great (shout out to London Fletcher!). I hope that in the future you'll remember that you're not God, you CAN drop the ball, and you should always keep two arms around the ball. Preferably your arms.

Now get out there, do your thing and don't screw up again or I won't vote for you for the Pro Bowl. Yes, I'm threatening you. Do your worst!

Love,

Karen

P.S. Can you try to beat the record for most rushing yards in a season? The record was made in 1984 by Eric Dickerson with 2105. To get 2106 yards, you'll need to average 143.1 yards a game for the rest of the season. I believe in you. One of my buddies at work doesn't, though, so let's prove him wrong!

Want to Live off of Ramen?

Dear Leigh Torrence,

On Sunday, you were pretty much given one responsibility during the entire game. That was to make sure that your guy didn't get yardage or score. Since you're paid millions of dollars to do ONE thing, I think that you should have done it. And with a smile on your face, since you don't have to do too much to get all that cash. How would you like to do my 40-hour a week job for my middle-class salary? You wouldn't like it very much at all, I bet. Unless you want to live off of Ramen noodles (luckily, I think that Ramen is fabulous).

Your playing on Sunday, though, was not fabulous. Clearly you need instruction from an editor with too much time on her hands, so here it is: cover your guy next time! If I write to you in the future it better be because you did something great on the field...or else I'll start making fun of you much like I did Durant Brooks (little known "fact": Durant Brooks was glad to be cut to avoid being cut further from my words).

Stop Sucking!

Karen

Please Continue to be Awesome

Dear Chris Horton,

I'm going to take a break from my mean letters to write a nice one for you. You are awesome. Watching you intercept a pass would bring tears to my eyes if my heart wasn't ice cold (the only thing that makes me cry is beatings from Patriots Boyfriend--just kidding. I still don't cry then. I get what I deserve). Anyhoo, here are some things that I like about you:

1. How you intercept the ball.

2. How you tackle enemy players.

3. How you act sort of humble even though you know that you're one of the best players on the team.

4. How you were our final pick in the draft--saving best for last! Clearly picking Durant Brooks ahead of you was a mistake...coughVinnyCerratocough. Besides, who drafts a freaking punter ever? (Eh...I actually don't know too much about that, but one of the guys at work told me that it was a loser move).

5. Um...your hair? Although I must say that I had no idea what your name was for a while because I couldn't read the back of your jersey and because I rarely trust what Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Tony Siragusa say when they announce our games. One time they were talking about how Coach Zorn was yelling at the kicker for missing a field goal when it said "Brooks" right across the player's jersey. That's right. He was yelling at Durant Brooks for messing up the holding for the kick. Man, I'm glad that we got rid of him! Still, though, if your hair was shorter, I'd have known your name sooner and you wouldn't have inconvenienced me. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, please continue to be awesome and maybe you could teach your buddies on the team a thing or two.

So Glad We Have You,

Karen

Don't be a Hero, Pete

Dear Pete Kendall,

Okay, I feel bad for you. I know that you weren't trying to give away the game to the Rams, but guess what? You did. You and Durant Brooks, our former (yay!) punter.

Here's the thing: I know that your position is rough. You're a guard. You never get the glory, the money, the swag, or the panties thrown at you from adoring fans. I get it! You want to be a rockstar on the field. I wanted to be a rockstar on the field during PowderPuff football back in high school, but instead I got to stand around gossiping while the football players/our coaches put their girlfriends in the game instead. I'm not bitter or anything, though. Anyway, you and I will never be rockstars, but at least you get to go out there and hang out with the rockstars on offense! You lucky thing, you! I know that you said that you had no "delusions of grandeur", but let's face it: you tried to move the ball knowing nothing about how to hold onto it.

Shoot. I think that I could've hung onto the ball at least...you know, until I was snapped like a twig.

All right. I'm going to let you go so that you can get back to practice, as you need a lot of it. From now on, don't be a hero, Pete.

Sincerely?

Karen

Why Haven't You Left Yet?

Dear Durant Brooks,

I'd hoped that this would be a farewell letter, but apparently you're still on the team. I think that all of Washington, D.C. is surprised by that! Yeah, yeah, I heard something about you needing an MRI and there is something wrong with your hamstring or your leg or something else that I don't care very much about.

Look, man: you kinda suck. I mean, you're the worst punter in the NFL. That's something, right? I mean, if there was an award for lousiest first-string punter in the NFL you'd win! Hands down! So one could argue that you are, in fact, a winner, not a loser.

Not me, though. Sure, there were tons of problems that the Redskins need to fix, but you are by far the biggest problem. We gave the Rams great field position nearly everytime and we need someone who can execute. The only thing that you executed was our chance at winning.

Here is my suggestion for who should replace you: Chris Horton. I know that he's a safety, but I feel sure that he'll be better than you. Second choice: Antwaan Randle El. The only thing he's not good at is punt returning; otherwise he can catch and throw the ball. Maybe Horton could take over for the punt returning...he can do it all!

So long,

Karen

P.S. What's with the name? I figured that you were Canadian and that would explain something like "Durant", but you were born in Georgia. What gives?

The Only Turnovers I Like Have Apples in Them!

Dear Jim Zorn,

The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:

Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".

Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.

Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!

Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.

Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).

Still Angry with You,

Karen

P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.

Leave it to the Gecko

Dear Jason Campbell,

Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.

Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.

NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:

1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.

2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.

3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!

Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.

Love,

Karen

P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.

The Media is Jinxing Us!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may be wondering why I'm writing to you today; after all, I already congratulated you on Monday and you haven't screwed up anything in the past four days...that I know about. So why am I writing?

Because you need to look out. The media is jinxing the Redskins like crazy. All I'm seeing are headlines like, "Redskins ride turnover-free football to 3-1 record," "Redskins May Be Around For the Long Haul," and "Masters of disguise: Redskins defense confounds quarterbacks." I don't know what is worse: this blatant jinxing or the headlines that call us the "surprising" Redskins. Which are we? Masters of disguise or just plain lucky?

I'm not sure how you can plan against the bad luck that may befall you, but that's not my job...you're the one paid millions of dollars to figure this out. I will be happy to take a percentage from you for my problem-solving abilities, though. If you're hiring. (I live just a few miles from Redskins Park, so I'll never be late!)

Also, don't let your players start thinking that just because they beat the Cowboys they can just show up and beat everyone else. I know that Vinny Cerrato told Larry Michael on Reskins Nation that the players aren't thinking like that, but I don't trust him. He's too buddy-buddy with Dan Snyder, someone else that I don't trust. (Hmm...maybe Mom was right when she said that people judge you by who you hang out with. That's not good news for me: my friends are drunks and fascists!). That actually reminds me of something else I disapprove of! You let Dan Snyder HUG you! Don't even try to deny it because I saw it live on TV! I'm afraid this means that you've made a deal with the devil and I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, on one hand, it means that we should have an awesome season, but on the other hand, Satan's deals are never good for anyone but him.

In conclusion, do not be friends with Snyder because you'll be sad when he fires you. Also, make sure the 'Skins play well on Sunday. I'd personally appreciate Chris Cooley getting the ball a lot to help my Fantasy Football score. Right now I'm 2-2. Boo hoo.

Sincerely,

Karen

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys/Losers

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow. I'm so happy. Yesterday afternoon I put on my Clinton Portis jersey and my lucky jeans and was ready for the game. Patriots Boyfriend was over to watch because the Pats didn't play this week (Patriots Boyfriend was glad because this meant that they couldn't lose!). I burned some party mix and sat down to enjoy the game.

Here are the things that I liked:

1. That you put Chris Horton in (I accidentally typed "Christ" instead of "Chris" at first...Freudian slip??) and he got that interception. Thanks for not relying solely on Reed Doughty (weird...I just googled him to check the spelling of his name, and the search term "reed doughty jersey" came up. Who on earth would want one of those? Maybe his mom).

2. Santana Moss got the ball a lot. I told my buddy at work to look for Moss to be awesome during this game and I was right, so thanks for that.

3. Jason Campbell isn't turning the ball over! Hasn't this whole season! Yay!

4. That you show emotion on the field. It gives me something more to look at than just your tan. Your AWESOME tan. (Patriots Boyfriend: "How does Jim Zorn get so tan?" Me: "Um. He's outside a lot." Patriots Boyfriend: "It's not THAT sunny out." Me: Yes, it is! Go back to Connecticut and freeze to death!")

Here are the things that I didn't like:

1. Casey freaking Rabach. Penalties on TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! This wasn't YOUR fault, but I'm still mad.

2. What the hell was with trying not to lose in the fourth quarter rather than trying to WIN? Always go for the touchdown rather than the field goal.

3. Your dumb "Hip, hip, hooray" cheer in the locker room after winning. You couldn't do better than that?

4. You still don't seem to have the requisite hatred toward the Cowboys yet. Get on that!

Anyway, I'm going to start being a little kinder to you now that we're #2 in the NFC East and we beat the Cowboys in Texas. Please keep up the good work.

Thanks!

Karen

Beating the Cowboys Periodically Since October 9, 1960!

Dear Jim Zorn,

Sunday is a super big game for you, and you don't even know it, man. Seriously, Dan Snyder might even keep a coach on when he's 2-14 for the season, so long as those two wins are against Dallas. Washington is full of squabbling politicians and lobbyists, but the one thing that brings everyone together is a great defeat of the Dallas Cowboys.

I'm quite disappointed that you do not hold the fiery rage in your heart that all true Redskins fans must when it comes to the Cowboys. You don't understand how big this is: it's more than you and your team...it's for every Washington fan in any town they happen to be in. A Redskins win over any team guarantees a cheerful Washington on Monday, but a Redskins win over the Cowboys ensures cheer everywhere a fan goes. When the 'Skins beat the Cowboys 14-13 on a certain Monday night game three years ago, my entire college campus (2 1/2 hours from D.C.) was in a great mood for days. There were rainbows, sunshine, ninjas, and unicorns for the rest of the week (the roving band of ninjas might have been unrelated, but I choose to believe otherwise).

You seem to not even CARE about this rivalry. I lament that it may take a loss at the hands of the Cowboys before you ever truly realize how important this is. At the very least, please PRETEND to hate those jerks. Also, Joe Gibbs is better than you because he hated the Cowboys more.

Ready for you to step up the hate,

Karen

P.S. Maybe you should listen to WMZQ sometimes. Like this morning, they played "Hail to the Redskins" and "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys" back-to-back and now I'm totally pumped for Sunday and my Cowboys hate is renewed like it should be.

Please Sign My Jersey!

Dear Clinton Portis,

You're kind of flashy and I dig it. I love it when you dress up as Southeast Jerome and your other characters because I think that it gets fans super excited. Recently, you've been in the news for less than favorable things, but I'm on your side. When I heard that you'd totally bitched out future Hall-of-Famer Brian Mitchell, I was shocked and disappointed...until I heard what Mitchell had been saying. You were completely right to blast him and the media.

I always liked B-Mitch until this happened; this AND what I just heard him say on the Comcast Pre-game show! He said that it was obvious that Joe Gibbs wished that he was doing his NASCAR thing the last four years! WTF?! I'll force myself to admit that Saint Joe wasn't as passionate as he was in the '80s, but he was completely focused on the Redskins during his second tenure. So Brian Mitchell is dead to me, except during those times when Patriots Boyfriend says something like, "Who is Brian Mitchell, anyway?" and I flip out and start naming all of Mitchell's records and how he's going into the Hall and how I hate the Patriots and I hope they all tear their ACLs!

In conclusion, Clinton, you are awesome and the Dirty Thirty is not. Please play today like you did last week because you were on FIRE!!

Love,
Karen

P.S. Will you sign my #26 jersey? I wear it every single game day with my lucky, holey jeans, and I think that it definitely helps as long as I don't watch the game at my best friend's house. She's very anti-Redskins and very powerful...her negative vibes totally overpower the positive, pro-Redskins vibes from myself and her husband.

Please Don't Post Your Junk Online

Dear Chris Cooley,

This morning I visited the Drudge Report as I do every morning and saw a link titled, "NFL Player Posts Photo of His Genitals on Website". Hovering over the link, I saw that it said something about "local 6 news" so I assumed that it couldn't be a Redskin because we don't have a channel 6 in the DC area. I almost didn't click on the link because I don't care about NFL players' genitalia and I figured that it was some no-name player from another team.

I was so very wrong. The first thing I read when I clicked on the link was "Redskins tight end" and I KNEW IT WAS YOU.

I'm appalled. Not that you accidentally posted your junk on the world wide web, but that it happened because you were studying materials, given to you by Coach Zorn, in the nude. Who studies in the nude? I went to college for five years and I never once did that. Also, if I HAD studied nude, I never would have gotten a camera out to take pictures of study materials on my lap where people might get a better view than I'd like. I'm assuming the materials were on your lap, but please don't correct me if I'm wrong. I don't want to think about this ever again.

In the future, Chris Cooley, please refrain from studying nude and taking pictures and then posting them for the entire world to see. Also, you're on my fantasy team, so can you get Campbell to get you the ball more?

Thanks!

Karen

You Need a New Kicker

Dear Jim Zorn,

You need a new kicker. I have a very good reason for this and it's not because Shaun Suisham is Canadian. It's not even because he missed TWO field goals yesterday. No, it's for a much more sinister reason than that, but you won't believe me until something bad happens.

My brother thinks that he's a Super Fan, too, but he's not. Whenever he gets a jersey of a Redskin, that player starts sucking big time, and leaves the 'Skins due to trading or injury. He does not have a single current jersey because of this, even though he owns over ten. You'd think he'd learn his lesson and accept that he's jinxed, but he's not terribly bright so he keeps it up. Case in point, this weekend he asks me, "Karen, do you mind if I get a Shaun Suisham jersey?"

I flipped out on him and let him know in no uncertain terms that I mind a lot. He never listens to me, though, so he'll probably get one soon. I'll let you know as soon as that happens so that you can bench Suisham, but for now be on the lookout for a new guy.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. I loved Jason Campbell's 67-yard bomb to Santana Moss. It made me squeal. Maybe you don't suck after all.

You Have a Great Tan

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm (sort of) sorry if I hurt your feelings on Friday, but you upset me. Do you know how embarrassing it is to date a Patriots fan? His team is always better! I mean...now Tom Brady is out, but still. Anyway, I have to watch the Redskins screw up play after play and THEN listen to my boyfriend say sarcastically, "Well, at least Jim Zorn has a great tan!" Do you know how that made me feel? Joe Gibbs didn't waste time in tanning beds; he spent his time coaching. Maybe you should take a lesson from his playbook.

Annoyed, but still envious of your tan,

Karen

You Coach Poorly On Purpose, Right?

Dear Jim Zorn,

Some have joked about how Zorn sounds like a villian in a comic book and now you're proving them right. The kind of incompetance I witnessed while we gave away the game to the New York Giants shows me that you had to be doing it on purpose. No one can play THAT poorly, right?

Washington can't take fifteen more games of that crap. Step it up, or I'll write you more letters.

Insincerely,

Karen

Don't Blow it, Jim

Dear Jim Zorn,

Everyone in Washington is wondering what you're going to do tonight and you better not disappoint. I'd like to officially welcome you to the family, but around here a coach isn't a coach until he's beaten Dallas. This is why Norv Turner didn't join the family until his second year of coaching.

You have a lot to live up to; even though Joe Gibbs wasn't as effective in his second time in Washington, we still worship him in a way that's creepy to outsiders. And, honestly, no one really wanted you for this job. You're just a placeholder until Dan Snyder can buy Bill Cowher from CBS.

If you start winning games for us, though, everyone will soon forget that they never wanted you and will, in fact, defend you to the death. You can't beat the Washington Redskins for their loyalty, even in times of struggle. So good luck. You'll be hearing from me again soon.

Sincerely,
Karen

P.S. I only sign my letters "love" when they're to Joe Gibbs. You are not there yet.