30 October 2008

Italian Beef Everywhere!!!

Dear Jason Campbell,

What's with the fumbles, Jason? I have to know. You were doing so well for so many games and now look at you.

It's hard for me to make fun of you, though, because you just seem so nice and you always look like you KNOW that you messed up. Other guys would laugh it off and I'd scream at them through the TV, but not you. You show a great balance of taking the blame while still soldiering on.

Monday night is a big game. Perhaps you didn't know, but the Redskins have accurately predicted the winner of the popular vote for the last seventeen elections. Actually, in my not-so-humble opinion, they've predicted the winner flat out. You see, Jason, the last Redskins home game prior to the election determines the election results: if the Redskins win, so does the incumbent party. Likewise, if the Redskins lose, the incumbent party loses. Only one time was the winner not accurately predicted; let's review:

It was October 31, 2004, and we were playing the Green Bay Packers on a Sunday afternoon. I'd already insisted to my Packers Friend that she needed to root for the Redskins if she wanted President George W. Bush to win again, though to this day I'm not sure if I convinced her. Maybe it was the George W. Bush thing. Anyway, I watched in horror as the Redskins were falsely penalized right and left for a total of 82 yards...okay, maybe not every single penalty was a mistake, but I still remember my outrage from that game, so I'm pretty sure that some of them were bad calls. Anyway, when the game was done I swore up and down the the president would be re-elected (don't judge me--he didn't suck as much then) because the Redskins SHOULD HAVE won.

And I was right. He did win. And the Redskins should have won.

So what does this mean for Monday night? Well, here it is: I don't know your political affiliations, but you can't lose this game on purpose just because you don't want a President McCain. I don't care if Barack Obama (haha...I typed O'Bama accidentally...he could be our first black Irish president!) is your brother or cousin (well...you're both black, so there's a chance, right? Bill Gates and I are both white and I keep writing to him, asking for money for me, his cousin, but he ignores me: www.letterstobillgates.com), you still can't throw a game. Also, Obama is a Chicago Bears fan and do we really want someone like that in the White House? There'll be Italian beef everywhere!!! Hmm...maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

Anyhoo, don't throw the game! And congrats on half a season without an interception! You're doing great, so work on not fumbling.




Bears Fan said...

You have nothing to fear. Scouts indicate that Barack Obama rarely sets foot into Portillo's and he probably hasn't held a "bif" sandwich in his hands for years (if ever).

Karen said...

This doesn't surprise me; he probably aligns "bif" eaters with the gun-toting religious fanatics who are "afraid" of him. Well, I'm afraid of anyone who isn't a true football fan.

Larry Horse said...

As a beefologist there is a good chance that soon to be President Obama probably had some bif samiches, 20 years in Chicago makes it very likely. I've discovered over the years that many African-Americans are quite fond of Italian Beef, in fact a lot eat at quality beef places...yes even Novi's. I'll bet the President Elect has eaten at the original Al's Beef on Taylor Street...in the old neighboorhood, not far north of Hyde Park. I know these things, I'm a shepard.

Karen said...

Whoa there with the "president elect"! Even if the Redskins lost last night, polls don't close for another 8 1/2 hours here in Virginia, Larry Horse.

And also, thanks a lot for talking all about the Italian "bif". Now I'm hungry and I only have crackers available. Not nearly as good.

Erin said...

Hey!! I'm "Packers Friend", right?? :) (Still am... who cares what Brett did to me!)

Karen said...

Packers Friend, you're supposed to be somewhat anonymous! Do you want craaaazy stalkers?