30 January 2009

Blah Blah Blah

Dear Vinny Cerrato,

I don't have much to say to you, really. I heard on Redskins Nation the other day from Larry Michael that this was your first year choosing players or blah blah blah why we should give you a break about sucking.

I will not give you a break. Wanna know why? Two words: Durant Brooks.

Where is Joe Gibbs when we need him?

Have a great weekend!


23 January 2009

Clearly a Slow News Week

Dear Redskins,

Yes, all of you. I wanted to let you know that at approximately 4:35pm on Tuesday, January 6th, I was driving right behind a Mercedes or a Jaguar (I forget because it's been over two weeks now) that belonged to one of you! You had a Washington Redskins license plate holder (thrown on for free at the dealership, no doubt), and a Redskins window decal on the bottom center of your rear window. The windows were tinted very dark, so I couldn't identify which one of you it was. We were on southbound I-495, right at the Route 123 merge. You came over and got in the merge lane to get ahead of traffic (kind of a jerkish move, by the way) and I had to wait behind you so that I could actually use the off-ramp (you know, because I was in the lane because I HAD TO USE IT). When you finally moved back into the right-hand lane I was able to get next to you and try to peek into your car, but, like I said, I couldn't identify which player you were. You also had a near miss of a fender-bender because I considered bumping your car just so that I could meet you. Alas, I didn't do it because that would be a little crazy, but mostly because I had to get to Panera at 4:40.

Ever since I drove right next to Mark Brunnell on I-95 North on the day of the Redskins-Bears game in 2007, I keep a lookout for expensive cars with Redskins merchandise attached to it. I was happy to drive so close to you, even if you were sort of blocking me from taking my exit, asshat.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that I'm always looking out for you guys. It's why I moved to Ashburn, obviously. Redskins Park is MINE after dark. Am I kidding??



16 January 2009

The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (The Jim Zorn Story)

Dear Jim Zorn,

Isn't it funny that the two teams heading for the NFC Championship were both beaten by the Redskins? I think it's funny. I laugh myself to sleep every night thinking about how great we were at the beginning of the season and how things ended up.

And that's what I'd like to get into now: what changed, Zorn? The best explanation that I've heard, and repeated to anyone who'll stand and talk to me for more than two minutes at a time, is that after our first loss to the Giants, you let Jason Campbell call more audibles on the field and have more control. Then when the guys started winning those games (and getting JINXED by the media who was finally recognizing the 'Skins' awesomeness), you decided that if Jason Campbell can call a play, anyone can do it! Including you! So then you started calling all the plays from the sidelines and the Redskins started losing. I'm going to write a song about it one day, entitled, "The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (Because of Jim Zorn's Plays);" this won't be a funny song, Coach...nor rhymeable (assuming that's a word).

I don't know if this is the true story, but I like it. It paints Jason Campbell in a nice light and it puts all the blame where it belongs: on you. Aw, don't cry; I do like you, Jim Zorn. I think that you might even be a much better coach next season. You'll have to be; Dan Snyder doesn't keep losers on his team.

Have a great weekend!


05 January 2009

"We're Gonna Let Them Totally St. Louis Ram Us"

Dear Jim Zorn,

So I was watching the NFC Wildcard playoff games and was shocked (shocked!) to find out that the Redskins didn't make it in. NOT! I wasn't shocked at all because I didn't stop following you guys halfway into the season when you were 6-2 and actually looking like professional football players. I stayed with you this whole time as you decided to go 2-6 to finish out the year. Why did you do that? Did you call a big team meeting and write "2-6" on a dry erase board, underline it, and announce to the room, "Here's what we're aiming for, guys. This right here. No more, no less. Some will tell you that you can't lose against the Bengals or the 49ers, but they're wrong. We're gonna let them totally St. Louis Ram us." Yeah, I just made "St. Louis Ram" a verb; don't be jealous.

I'm betting that your biggest concern in this off-season so far is whether or not you'll continue to get letters from me. Be not concerned. You're gonna get them all right. I don't know that I've ever seen a coach who needs so much instruction from a gal like me.

You're Welcome!