19 December 2010

Welcome to my Rex Grossman Nightmare

Dear Mike Shanahan,

It may surprise you to learn that I actually enjoy watching good football.  Every weekend during the greatest season next to Christmas, I spend about three hours watching a horrible, gut-wrenching game and then turn off the Redskins and watch a game (or two or three) where two better-than-mediocre teams come together and play their hardest.  Players catch balls, run for first downs, and kickers even make field goals.  It's beautiful and slightly enlarges my Grinch-sized black heart.  Only slightly, though, because we can't get too carried away.

Anyway, I'm a little slow because I'm only just starting to expect a Redskins loss every week.  Deep down in my aforementioned black heart, I truly thought that you wanted the team to win and that many of the players also wanted that.  Sure, a lot of them suck hardcore, but we still have a few gems who I look forward to watching, like Ryan Torain, Brandon Banks, London Fletcher, and DeAngelo Hall.  Do you know who is missing from that list?  REX GROSSMAN.

I know that Donovan McNabb isn't that great.  I wrote a lovely poem on Easter Sunday about how I didn't want him on our team, but everyone told me to give him a chance.  "He's better than Jason Campbell!" I heard.  Grudgingly, I decided to give McNabb a shot because he's our quarterback, though I'd like to point out that Campbell is ranked #20 for NFL quarterbacks and McNabb is at #25 (to be fair, though, Campbell would be much worse if he was still here.  I think that the NFL has given him extra points to make up for all his years of suffering at the hands of Dan Snyder).

So maybe whether McNabb or Campbell is better this season is up for argument, but are Redskins fans seriously supposed to believe that anyone other than Rex Grossman himself believes he is the right direction for the 'Skins to take?  I'd like to think that he's smart enough not to think that, either, but I'm probably wrong.

Ironically, since today is our game against the Cowboys, I feel like I'm watching an old episode of Dallas.  Just like Season Eight's "dream season" where not a single episode mattered, not a single Rex Grossman-led game for Washington will matter, either.  The hardest thing is knowing that Pam woke up from her horrible nightmare and I'm only starting mine.

Merry Christmas, Jerk,


P.S. Because of team loyalty, I will root for Rex Grossman to do well today.  And if he surprises the entire universe and succeeds today and into next season, I'll get a Grossman jersey.  I might have to scour my entire body after every time I wear it, but I'm willing to do it if it helps the Redskins win.

12 December 2010

Still On The Team--For Now

Dear Graham Gano,

I generally catch a lot of flack for how I treat Redskins kickers in my letters which I've never understood because LOOK AT YOU GUYS.  I really thought that anyone was better than Shaun "Shortbus" Suisham as evidenced by my many poetic overtures saying that almost word for word, but you're forcing me to reconsider.  I don't appreciate being forced to do anything (just ask Redskins Dad how long I stood next to his chair, refusing to swallow a mouthful of green beans last week when I was a toddler--I dare ya) and I especially don't like thinking about Shaun Suisham, even for purposes of comparison.  It makes my tummy hurt.

But sometimes a girl has to get a hot cup of tea and some crackers and calm her stomach enough to make a few comparisons.  It's called taking one for the team, which you might be unfamiliar with because of how many field goals you miss on a weekly basis.  That's called not being a team player, jerk-who-I-hate.  Prior to today's game, you had missed nine of twenty-nine field goals, ranking you 36th in the NFL.  THIRTY-SIXTH!  THE NFL ONLY HAS THIRTY-TWO TEAMS!  Don't expect your ranking to get much better after today.

I'm also disappointed because your birthday is the day (and a few years) after mine and you were born in Scotland, which makes you seriously cooler than Shaun "I-hail-from-the-Great-White-North-eh?" Suisham.  Yeah, yeah, he sucked pretty badly and you'll never get me to say otherwise, but you're still worse because you're still on the team.  For now.

You've been (kind of) warned,