25 December 2008

What's Funny about a Redskins Gift?

Dear Dan Snyder,

We don't see eye-to-eye on many things, but I thought that I'd drop you a line to let you know that you're making money off of me being a Super Fan in these harsh economic times. Here's a list of all the Redskins items that I received for Christmas:

-Redskins Calendar. This way I can see my favorite players everyday of the year!

-Redskins Helmet window decal. This way everyone on the Dulles Toll Road can see who my favorite team is...everyday of the year!

-Redskins burgundy-and-white snow hat. For when I'm feeling cold and sporty.

-Redskins pink snow hat. For when I'm feeling cold and girly.

-Redskins "wine set". When I open a non-Redskins bottle of wine (I know, blasphemy) with the Redskins corkscrew and don't finish it off, I can put a Redskins bottle stopper or whatever they're called in there. Keep all my wine fresh. Maybe I'll buy some real bottles instead of relying only on boxed wine. NOT. I'll never give up my Boxed Wine Wednesdays.

-Redskins holiday greeting cards. I'm going to use these next year and send them to all my friends who don't support the 'Skins.

I should be honest and say that one of the snow hats (the pink one) and the holiday cards were part of a gag gift that my grandfather received and then handed over to me. I don't get the joke, though. What's funny about a Redskins gift?

Anyway, Dan Snyder, I'm going to keep advertising your team around here, and even when I drive up to New England tomorrow (I know--Patriots' country. I'm scared, too). Perhaps you can repay me with cash or Redskin wins. Just thowing that out there.

Merry Christmas!


23 December 2008

Patriots Boyfriend's Gonna Lose Another Finger

Dear LaRon Landry,

Hi, pal! I hope that you're still basking in the glow from your awesome play-of-the-day from Sunday afternoon. I know that I am, vicariously (to Patriots Boyfriend: I know it's a big word; look it up). It's hard to say what I liked most about your hit on Reggie Brown; was it your effort? That it prevented the Eagles from scoring? That it prevented the Eagles from winning? That it (probably) prevented the Eagles from going to the playoffs? I just can't choose.

Not everything is sunshine and princess unicorns, though. I asked Patriots Boyfriend to count how many times our defensive players ALMOST caught interceptions, but he can't count very high on account of a series of tragic accidents that took away a thumb, pinky, and index finger, so I don't know for sure, but I'm betting that it was more than his seven fingers. What? Would I lie to you, LaRon?

Please catch all the inteceptions next time, or, in my ire, Patriots Boyfriend's gonna lose another finger.

Merry Christmas!


19 December 2008

Please Stay Dead This Time

Dear Sammy Baugh,

I have a bone to pick with you. See, I kinda maybe sorta thought that you were kinda maybe sorta already dead before I heard your death announcement yesterday. This is so unfair to me because I'd already mourned you and now I have to all over again? Come on, you were over 90 years old; how was I supposed to know that you were still alive? Your jersey is also the ONLY Redskins jersey to ever be retired, so I must have figured that the organization would only honor someone with that if they had passed on.

Please stay dead this time, as I do not have the energy to keep mourning everytime I hear that you've died.



18 December 2008

Thanks a Bunch, London Fletcher

Dear London Fletcher,

Thanks for reading my last letter to you and using my Susan Lucci reference in your rant about not making it to the Pro Bowl. Just one small problem, buddy; you're a guy complaining about not getting recognition (rightly), but then you didn't even give me the credit for coming up with the idea!

Thanks a bunch, London Fletcher,


P.S. See if I give you any ideas again ever.

17 December 2008

You're the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl

Dear London Fletcher,

Despite your awesome name and the fact that you're one of the best linebackers in the NFL, you once again are the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl--only she eventually DID win an award for being an evil tramp on a soap opera that I've never watched. You have no such luck. I mean, it's not like you don't have 118 tackles so far this season or a whole host of other reasons why you should be in the Pro Bowl, so I'm pretty bummed on your behalf.

But who wants to go to Hawaii anyway, London Fletcher? Certainly not you! Here is a list to remind you that YOU are better than Hawaii any day of the week and you don't need them:

1. Huge insects. Here on the mainland, we call them "Cowboys," but in Hawaii they're almost as bad. How'd you like to check into the swanky hotel the NFL puts you up in, only to find a centipede the size of a cat in your bed?

2. Volcanos. You never know when one is going to spew hot lava and kill you! Maybe you're meant to be the best (living) player of the 2009-10 season.

3. Hawaii is surrounded by water. When the volcanos erupt, you'll be forced to swim or steal a boat to get away. Since you're an honorable guy and wouldn't steal, you're looking at a long, unpleasant backstroke.

4. Muu-muus. This is what Hawaiians think is high fashion. Do you want to walk around seeing that? Didn't think so.

5. Surfers. The Hawaiian surfers won't talk to you because you're not Hawaiian, and all the other surfers talk like that "Dude! You're getting a Dell!" kid that got arrested for attempting to buy pot. ("Dude! Don't get caught next time!"). Either way, you want to avoid them and their surfboards. People can die from surfing, you know. I'm sure that more people have died from that than from playing linebacker in the NFL. I need a human encyclopedia to look that up for me, though, because I'm far too important to do it myself.

Anyway, London Fletcher, don't feel down that you're not going to Hawaii--CELEBRATE that you're not going there and being hit by surfers wearing muu-muus, taking their boards over waves of hot lava as they try to escape from the gigantic bugs. I know that I will celebrate not going to Hawaii every night before I go to bed by downing another bottle of Jack Daniels in an attempt to keep warm in this horrible weather. Stupid Hawaii.



16 December 2008

At Least JMU Made it to the Playoffs

Dear Chris Cooley,

Dude. I can't believe that you fumbled so early in that game. Why do you want to hurt me? Is it because I said that Clinton Portis is my favorite player? You're almost definitely number two, so I don't believe that I should be punished this way.

I started off my weekend by driving down to Harrisonburg and wound up watching the JMU Dukes lose to the Montana Stupid Grizzlies in the Division 1AA Semi-Finals; I thought that all those turnovers from the Dukes would be the worst football I'd see all weekend. Then I watched you guys on Sunday afternoon and discovered how wrong I was. I mean, at least JMU made it to the playoffs and one of their players (Scotty McGee) has a drink named after him. Do you have a drink named after you, Cooooooley? Answer: nope. I googled it and came up with squat ("McGee" ingredients: 1 shot vodka, 1 shot cranberry juice, 8 oz. ginger ale; "McGee" streetname: "JMU Ginger").

Anyway, Cooooooley, before you wonder whether this letter is really just to brag about my college team being better than you guys, let me just say that it is. Wonder no more.

Your fumble, though, gave momentum to the Bengals and they held on for the rest of the game. So, thanks for that fumble. And thanks for taking away our playoff chances. I mean, even Shaun Suisham made his field goals! Ryan Plackemeier had some awesome punts, too! Everything else mostly sucked, though. All because you gave our momentum away. I suppose that it was a nice early Christmas present to Cincinatti, but what are they giving us this year? Probably not a win. You screwed us in this gift exchange. Since you can't make it up to me by getting us into the playoffs, you can make it up another way: Christmas cheer and lots of it (also known as egg nog and buckets of rum) delivered to my apartment.

Waiting on my "Cheer,"


P.S. I'm glad that I gave up on Fantasy Football because I'm betting that you would have gotten me negative points this week.

11 December 2008

I Really Wanted You on My Now Defunct Fantasy Team

Dear Clinton Portis,

By now I think that you know that you're my favorite player; I wear your jersey every gameday and I really wanted you on my now defunct fantasy football team (never play in a league with 18 freaking teams...no one has good players. Thanks a lot, stupid Redskins Brother). Sometimes I cringe, though, when I read your comments, like just the other day when you trashed Jim Zorn on the radio.

I think you're also aware that Jim Zorn isn't my favorite Redskins coach ever (this coveted title goes to Saint Joe Gibbs), BUT he's still your coach and your boss. Okay, maybe not your boss. Dan Snyder will keep you around longer than he'll keep Zornyboy, after all (I still say that he's waiting to snatch Bill Cowher from CBS). Regardless, you can't sarcastically tell Washington, D.C. that Zorn is a "genius". That's kind of a jerk move no matter how stupid his plays are to you (and the rest of us). I'm glad that you guys kissed and made up yesterday, but I want you to be on your best behavior for the rest of the season so that I don't see you on the bench again. Do you know how it felt, seeing you sitting there, wondering if you were perhaps injured and the coaches just weren't telling us? It felt horrible. I even thought of crying...though that was mostly after we lost and I was mad because I'd rooted for the dumb old Lame-triots for Patriots Boyfriend earlier that day and they'd won, but when Patriots Boyfriend rooted for the Redskins, we still lost. Clearly, my rooting is better than his...for other teams...crap, that's not helpful.

Anway, please play nice with the coach and please beat the Bengals on Sunday. Redskins Hater says that you guys are going to lose; I hope that Redskins Hater isn't in another car accident like he was after the last time he talked trash. Just sayin'.



09 December 2008

You've Been Truthed!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.

But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):

1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?

2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.

3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?

4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!

No Regards,


P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.

04 December 2008

Play Like You're Actually Good at Your Job

Dear Carlos Rogers,

I'm not going to blame our loss to the Giants on you (that's what we have kickers and coaches for), but I feel that I must reprimand you for something. Do you remember Eli Manning throwing the football right to Shawn Springs? You might have missed that as you dove right in front of Shawn and made sure that neither of you got the ball. So, um, why'd you go and do that? First, isn't it kind of a jerk move to steal a play from your teammate? Second, if you're going to steal an interception from your teammate, shouldn't you at least GET THE FREAKING INTERCEPTION?

Also, there was another play where you missed a tackle. Way to go. You know who else missed a tackle once? Leigh Torrence. Think about it.

As you get ready to play the Ravens on Sunday night, please remember to play like you're actually good at your job. Obviously I always want / need the Redskins to win, but this game is especially important because Patriots Boyfriend has been complaining constantly that he needs the Ravens to lose to help out the Gaytriots and says that he'll stop rooting for the Redskins if they don't win. It's cute that he believes that I care about his team's playoff chances or, you know, what he thinks because I don't, but I DO care if he's complaining all the time. It's annoying!

Please Win!


01 December 2008

Bet You Want to Know What We Call Mangini and Reid!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I made a list of all the crappy things that your guys did yesterday, but I don't have it on me right now so I guess that I'll have to wing it. Kinda like what you did yesterday with your playbook.

We are never going to make the playoffs if we can't convert on third downs!!!! I simply do not understand why Jason Campbell throws to players inside the first down line when we're on third down. It makes absolutely no sense. Even if one of our guys catches the ball, he's usually brought down immediately, making sure that we have to punt the ball away.

Here's another problem: Shaun Suisham. I know that it's easy to blame things on the kicker (remember: kickers aren't people like us), but it's especially easy when he misses a field goal in almost every game. I've defended him for too long and you know what I've gotten out of it? Not field goals. He's missed eight field goals this season, and missed one in each of the last three games. That's a 72.4% success rate which translates to a D+ in Fairfax County Public Schools. That's the best that you guys can do? A D+? Awesome.

And how about those penalties? There's nothing better when you're losing than to shoot yourself in the foot, too. Kind of like when the Redskins are losing and I try to pick a fight with Patriots Boyfriend even though he won't fight with me when I have the craaaazy eyes (It's fun...I say things like Eric Mangini is a great guy and Bill Belichick is a terrible person and a cheater...which reminds me that Patriots Boyfriend wants the world to know that he hates Mangini with a fiery passion, but I can't repeat here what he calls him because it's wildly inappropriate. I said it about Andy Reid yesterday, though, and I don't think that Patriots Boyfriend had ever been so proud of me).

Sigh. You disappoint me very much, Zorn.

Keeping from Weeping,


P.S. Heard on WMZQ this morning from DJ Brian Egan (regarding Malcolm Kelly and how he and the "young guys" can't catch any balls: "He can't even catch a cold!" I laughed.