23 March 2009

The Post You've All Been Waiting For!

Dear Redskins and fans of Redskin Letters,

I have some bad news (or good news?) for you. Patriots Boyfriend has left the building...and by "building" I mean "my nefarious clutches." Some gals would get over it lightly and *not* set his car on fire, but I don't like to follow the crowd (if you are reading this, Patriots Ex, it wasn't me. Ahem).

Anyhoo, since I'm single again, I need to be kind of careful of who I take up with next. To do this in the easiest way possible, I've created an application to date me. Keep in mind, gentlemen, that I'm a girl who values football above nearly everything else in her life (including you!) and for that alone, I'm quite a catch. So do not delay, please send your applications today! Good ones will be taken into consideration; bad ones will be mocked here for everyone else to enjoy, from Jim Zorn to Clinton Portis (implying to me that the Redskins don't read their letters is grounds for immediate rejection). You may send all applications to me at redskinsuperfan [at] gmail.com.

You may begin:

1. Do you love football?

Yes, go to question 2.a.
No, please click here.

2.a. Is your favorite team the Redskins?

Yes, go to question 3.
No, go to question 2.b.

2.b. What is your favorite team? ________________

(If your answer is the Cowboys or the Eagles, click here. Any other choice may proceed to question 3).

(Multiple Choice)

3. Who is your favorite Redskin?

A. Sonny Jurgensen
B. Sammy Baugh
C. Sam Huff
D. Darrell Green
E. Art Monk
F. John Riggins
G. Clinton Portis
H. Sean Taylor
I. I can't decide, they're all awesome! (Click here)
J. I can't decide, you pick for me, Karen! (Click here)

4. Who is your least favorite Redskin?

A. Deion Sanders
B. Jeff George
C. Gus Frerotte
D. Joe Theisman
E. Rep. Heath Schuler (D-N.C.)
F. Michael Westbrook (Whatever happened to him anyway?)
G. Brandon Lloyd (Teach you to fall asleep and skip a team meeting!)
H. Andre Reed
I. Durant Brooks
J. Shaun Suisham (Let's get him kicked off the team together! Also, get it? KICKed off? Laugh, darn it!)

5. What is your idea of a perfect date?

A. Watching a Redskins game at a bar
B. Watching a Redskins game at home on your HD flatscreen TV
C. Watching a Redskins game at FedEx Field
D. Something unrelated to football / Redskins (click here)

6. Who was the best Redskins coach?

A. Vince Lombardi
B. George Allen
C. Saint Joe Gibbs
D. Tom Landry (click here)

7. How many Redskin players (past or present) call you a friend?

A. 0 (Out of the goodness of my heart, I'll still consider your application)
B. 1 (Yay! One more than me!)
C. 2-10 (Cool!)
D. 11+ (Marry me??)

8. Why do you hate the Cowboys?

A. All the law-breakers / ex-cons
B. I have no desire to be "Homo for Romo"
C. "America's Team?" Shouldn't America's team be from the CAPITOL of the USA?
D. I was (molested / held at gunpoint / mugged / shot at) by (name a Cowboy) and it still haunts me
E. Because the Redskins are better than them
F. I don't hate them (click here)

9. Scenario: We're at home watching the game and I finish my beer (before you because I'm awesome...and an alcoholic). I ask you for a new one. You:

A. Go get one for me mid-play
B. Wait until the play is over
C. Tell me to get it myself and make you a sandwich while I'm up (click here)
D. Wait for a commercial break
E. Tell me to slow down (click here)

10. Personal Essay: In 250 words or less (or more...I'm not going to count), tell me why you suck less than Dan Snyder and how that qualifies you to date me. Use complete sentences, proper grammar, and God help you if you misspell anything...because I sure won't.

If I do not respond to your application, it's either because it was rejected, I don't check my e-mail ever, or I just didn't give a crap. Good luck!



19 March 2009

There Are Plenty of Lousy Kickers for You to Choose From

Dear Jim Zorn,

Rant. That is the answer to your question, "Am I going to get a rant or a rave today?" You are definitely getting a rant, but you should have expected this.

What the heck were you thinking? I was irritated to learn that the Redskins re-signed Shaun Suisham because it shows me that you want to lose by a field goal or two in each game this season. Awesome.

Here are things that we can look forward to with Shaun Suisham as our kicker:

1. Another reason to blame Canada for something. Go home, Suisham!!

2. You, Zorn, deciding, "Hey...this guy can't kick worth a damn, but why not let him try this 56-yarder? I know that he's in 35th place for field goals made (and that means that three teams have TWO kickers better than him), but I think we can do better. Last place or die trying! LOL!" Yes. I imagine that you use textspeak in casual conversation, tool.

3. Me throwing things at the TV every time we miss a field goal...I will bankrupt myself buying new TVs and then stalk you at Redskins Park until you reimburse me...because clearly it will be all your fault.

4. More rants from me. So. Maybe there IS a silver lining. Who doesn't love a good Karen!Rant? (I should probably copyright that before everyone wants to do their own Karen!Rants).

5. Me encouraging Redskins Brother to get a Suisham jersey like he threatened last season, thereby ensuring that Suisham will get injured or traded. Go ahead, Redskins Brother. Do your worst!

Seriously, Jim Zorn, there are PLENTY of lousy kickers out there for you to choose from. Can't you just get someone who doesn't suck quite as hard?

Starting the alliterative "Sign-up to Stop Shaun Suisham" petition,


05 March 2009

Not as Bad as Your Face!

Dear Jason Taylor,

I was shocked and saddened to hear that your wife and three children are all suffering from debilitating illnesses that make it impossible for you to attend 75% of the Redskins off-season workouts or whatever. Wait. Are you telling me that your wife and children are just fine? They simply live in Miami and that’s too far away from DC? Seriously? I Googled how long a flight from DC to Miami takes and came up with two hours and forty-four minutes, so I’m calling shenanigans on this. The time away from your family excuse is no good with me.

Also, your kids are all young. Why can’t you move your family up here for work? Most people do it all the time. Of course, they don’t have private jets at their disposal to help with commuting, if necessary.

What I really want to know is why you’re doing this to me. All last season, I disagreed with Redskins Hater when he’d put you down. “Hey, he’s not so bad!” I’d say. “Definitely not as bad as your face!” Redskins Hater loves it when I talk about his face. And his mom. Regardless, I defended you. I swore up and down that you would be great for the team, just as soon you got healed from your lame-o injury.

I regret spending about five minutes of my time watching a tour of your home in Northern Virginia on one of the local news programs…Fox Five, probs. That is five minutes that I’ll never get back that I could have spent on a true Redskin. I want those minutes back, Jason. I demand repayment!

At least I never watched you on Dancing with the Stars. Suck on that!

Anyway, in case it wasn’t clear, we are no longer pals.

Good riddance!