23 March 2009

The Post You've All Been Waiting For!

Dear Redskins and fans of Redskin Letters,

I have some bad news (or good news?) for you. Patriots Boyfriend has left the building...and by "building" I mean "my nefarious clutches." Some gals would get over it lightly and *not* set his car on fire, but I don't like to follow the crowd (if you are reading this, Patriots Ex, it wasn't me. Ahem).

Anyhoo, since I'm single again, I need to be kind of careful of who I take up with next. To do this in the easiest way possible, I've created an application to date me. Keep in mind, gentlemen, that I'm a girl who values football above nearly everything else in her life (including you!) and for that alone, I'm quite a catch. So do not delay, please send your applications today! Good ones will be taken into consideration; bad ones will be mocked here for everyone else to enjoy, from Jim Zorn to Clinton Portis (implying to me that the Redskins don't read their letters is grounds for immediate rejection). You may send all applications to me at redskinsuperfan [at] gmail.com.

You may begin:

1. Do you love football?

Yes, go to question 2.a.
No, please click here.

2.a. Is your favorite team the Redskins?

Yes, go to question 3.
No, go to question 2.b.

2.b. What is your favorite team? ________________

(If your answer is the Cowboys or the Eagles, click here. Any other choice may proceed to question 3).

(Multiple Choice)

3. Who is your favorite Redskin?

A. Sonny Jurgensen
B. Sammy Baugh
C. Sam Huff
D. Darrell Green
E. Art Monk
F. John Riggins
G. Clinton Portis
H. Sean Taylor
I. I can't decide, they're all awesome! (Click here)
J. I can't decide, you pick for me, Karen! (Click here)

4. Who is your least favorite Redskin?

A. Deion Sanders
B. Jeff George
C. Gus Frerotte
D. Joe Theisman
E. Rep. Heath Schuler (D-N.C.)
F. Michael Westbrook (Whatever happened to him anyway?)
G. Brandon Lloyd (Teach you to fall asleep and skip a team meeting!)
H. Andre Reed
I. Durant Brooks
J. Shaun Suisham (Let's get him kicked off the team together! Also, get it? KICKed off? Laugh, darn it!)

5. What is your idea of a perfect date?

A. Watching a Redskins game at a bar
B. Watching a Redskins game at home on your HD flatscreen TV
C. Watching a Redskins game at FedEx Field
D. Something unrelated to football / Redskins (click here)

6. Who was the best Redskins coach?

A. Vince Lombardi
B. George Allen
C. Saint Joe Gibbs
D. Tom Landry (click here)

7. How many Redskin players (past or present) call you a friend?

A. 0 (Out of the goodness of my heart, I'll still consider your application)
B. 1 (Yay! One more than me!)
C. 2-10 (Cool!)
D. 11+ (Marry me??)

8. Why do you hate the Cowboys?

A. All the law-breakers / ex-cons
B. I have no desire to be "Homo for Romo"
C. "America's Team?" Shouldn't America's team be from the CAPITOL of the USA?
D. I was (molested / held at gunpoint / mugged / shot at) by (name a Cowboy) and it still haunts me
E. Because the Redskins are better than them
F. I don't hate them (click here)

9. Scenario: We're at home watching the game and I finish my beer (before you because I'm awesome...and an alcoholic). I ask you for a new one. You:

A. Go get one for me mid-play
B. Wait until the play is over
C. Tell me to get it myself and make you a sandwich while I'm up (click here)
D. Wait for a commercial break
E. Tell me to slow down (click here)

10. Personal Essay: In 250 words or less (or more...I'm not going to count), tell me why you suck less than Dan Snyder and how that qualifies you to date me. Use complete sentences, proper grammar, and God help you if you misspell anything...because I sure won't.

If I do not respond to your application, it's either because it was rejected, I don't check my e-mail ever, or I just didn't give a crap. Good luck!




Edna Krabappel said...

I'm not a man, and I don't even really like football, but I'm good at opening beers and I make one hell of a sandwich. Can I date you?

Karen said...

Great. It starts out with beers and sandwiches. Then you start complaining about how we never go anywhere or talk about our feelings. No thank you to that or to shopping for antiques.

Application rejected.

Mike Stanton said...

karen what if for some reason Shaun Suisham leaves you an application would you reject it because its him, or accept it and let him introduce you to all of the redskins and start rooting for him? Or would you allow him to date you, but that first missed field goal he's gone?

Karen said...

I'm glad that you asked, Mike. If Shaun Suisham applies, I'll remind the jerk that he's married and, therefore, rejected. I only date married guys when they're good at football. Also, no kickers. I want someone who actually contributes to a team.

Mike Stanton said...

Lets say a kicker or even a punter plays for the redskins and is SINGLE kicks a punt that pins the opponents inside the 5 yard line, or tackles the Punt Returner on a runback and knocks the PR out of the game and causes a fumble, or happens to score on a 60 yard Punt Fake and run. Would any of those instances allow in this case a punter to therefore be accepted to date or would they be rejected based off of being a kicker? Also what if it isn't a redskins player but somebody like Joe Flacco the QB of the Ravens? Or would somebody like that be rejected because he plays for Baltimore or because he played College Football at Delaware as a rival to JMU?

Karen said...

Yeah...all I got from your long, boring comment was that kickers still suck. And so do the Ravens, all of them.