30 October 2008

Italian Beef Everywhere!!!

Dear Jason Campbell,

What's with the fumbles, Jason? I have to know. You were doing so well for so many games and now look at you.

It's hard for me to make fun of you, though, because you just seem so nice and you always look like you KNOW that you messed up. Other guys would laugh it off and I'd scream at them through the TV, but not you. You show a great balance of taking the blame while still soldiering on.

Monday night is a big game. Perhaps you didn't know, but the Redskins have accurately predicted the winner of the popular vote for the last seventeen elections. Actually, in my not-so-humble opinion, they've predicted the winner flat out. You see, Jason, the last Redskins home game prior to the election determines the election results: if the Redskins win, so does the incumbent party. Likewise, if the Redskins lose, the incumbent party loses. Only one time was the winner not accurately predicted; let's review:

It was October 31, 2004, and we were playing the Green Bay Packers on a Sunday afternoon. I'd already insisted to my Packers Friend that she needed to root for the Redskins if she wanted President George W. Bush to win again, though to this day I'm not sure if I convinced her. Maybe it was the George W. Bush thing. Anyway, I watched in horror as the Redskins were falsely penalized right and left for a total of 82 yards...okay, maybe not every single penalty was a mistake, but I still remember my outrage from that game, so I'm pretty sure that some of them were bad calls. Anyway, when the game was done I swore up and down the the president would be re-elected (don't judge me--he didn't suck as much then) because the Redskins SHOULD HAVE won.

And I was right. He did win. And the Redskins should have won.

So what does this mean for Monday night? Well, here it is: I don't know your political affiliations, but you can't lose this game on purpose just because you don't want a President McCain. I don't care if Barack Obama (haha...I typed O'Bama accidentally...he could be our first black Irish president!) is your brother or cousin (well...you're both black, so there's a chance, right? Bill Gates and I are both white and I keep writing to him, asking for money for me, his cousin, but he ignores me: www.letterstobillgates.com), you still can't throw a game. Also, Obama is a Chicago Bears fan and do we really want someone like that in the White House? There'll be Italian beef everywhere!!! Hmm...maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

Anyhoo, don't throw the game! And congrats on half a season without an interception! You're doing great, so work on not fumbling.



27 October 2008

Thanks for Listening!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm sorry. We came close to losing yesterday and it's my fault: I didn't wear my jersey or my lucky jeans.

Come to think of it, this is Patriots Boyfriend's fault. He ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I had to go with him, making me unable to wear my lucky jeans. Anyway, because he actually finished the race (03:48:53!!!!!) we knew that we couldn't get to Ashburn by game time, so we went to a bar in Rosslyn instead. Anyway, Patriots Boyfriend is apparently great at running marathons and I'd suggest that you hire him except that as a Patriots fan, he is clearly untrustworthy. This is why there is a combination lock on my fridge; if he wants milk, he has to buy the cow first.

Since we won, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. Also, Redskins Dad told me that I'm being too mean. I told him that he's worthless and a horrible father and doesn't know what he's talking about. (Me? Mean?! Bah!) Then I decided that if you listened to anything I say ever, I could tone down the snark.

And you did! In a letter to former (yay!) punter Durant Brooks, I said not to let Antwaan Randle-El do punt returns because he's bad at it. You MUST remember because you listened to me (even though you shouldn't be reading another person's mail--no matter how bad a player he was). Thanks for putting Moss in because Santana Claus brought us an awesome gift with that 80-yard punt return.

Anyhoo, please beat the Steelers on Monday night. Or you'll be hearing from me.



P.S. Check out my awesome new header! My work buddy, JR, created it for me! Thanks, JR!

22 October 2008

For Shame, Jim Zorn

Dear Jim Zorn,

What's the deal with getting all these (well, two) former Seattle Seahawks on our team? I mean, Ryan Plackemeier is much better than Durant Brooks, but so is everybody else. I bet that Sonny Jurgenson could suit up and beat the crap out of Durant Brooks, blindfolded. Sonny is sort of my hero (reports of drunk driving nonwithstanding). A commenter on this esteemed blog (it's esteemed by me!) questioned why we picked up that hack Shaun Alexander instead of young, fresh, awesome Marcus Mason. I wonder, too.

Mason is absolutely great. Maybe he's not a Chris Horton and maybe he was only absolutely great against second- and third-string opposing players during preseason, but shouldn't that have have been enough to secure a position with us? I mean, really, when you were looking at all the rookies that you drafted, you decided that Durant Brooks was a winner and Marcus Mason, with his crazy breakaways and awesome yardage, just didn't have what it takes?

I don't care if Shaun Alexander knows your offense already; if you'd kept Mason on from the beginning, he would not only know the offense, but he'd also have been practicing with Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts and learning from them. Now Mason is on the Baltimore Ravens' practice squad and if that's not a horrible place to be, I don't know what is (besides Dallas and Philadelphia).

For shame, Jim Zorn. For shame.

Disappointed in You,


P.S. You should know that some important people might be reading this blog. The CBS announcers on Sunday said some of the very things during their in-game commentary that I've said in my letters! Like the thing about not reading Chris Horton's name because his hair covers the top of his jersey! That's classic Redskin Letters material! Gosh. All someone has to do is mention being slapped around by Patriots Boyfriend and I'll know that they're reading for sure!

21 October 2008

Please Take My Threats Seriously

Dear Clinton Portis,

Congratulations on having 818 yards in seven games...that's pretty cool!

You know what's not cool, though, CP? FUMBLING. Yeah, I said it. You don't get a free pass from me just because Phil Dawson missed that field goal and no points were scored off of your horrendous error. If that field goal was made, we probably would have ended the game in overtime and perhaps LOST the game.

You're lucky that our defense is so great (shout out to London Fletcher!). I hope that in the future you'll remember that you're not God, you CAN drop the ball, and you should always keep two arms around the ball. Preferably your arms.

Now get out there, do your thing and don't screw up again or I won't vote for you for the Pro Bowl. Yes, I'm threatening you. Do your worst!



P.S. Can you try to beat the record for most rushing yards in a season? The record was made in 1984 by Eric Dickerson with 2105. To get 2106 yards, you'll need to average 143.1 yards a game for the rest of the season. I believe in you. One of my buddies at work doesn't, though, so let's prove him wrong!

17 October 2008

Want to Live off of Ramen?

Dear Leigh Torrence,

On Sunday, you were pretty much given one responsibility during the entire game. That was to make sure that your guy didn't get yardage or score. Since you're paid millions of dollars to do ONE thing, I think that you should have done it. And with a smile on your face, since you don't have to do too much to get all that cash. How would you like to do my 40-hour a week job for my middle-class salary? You wouldn't like it very much at all, I bet. Unless you want to live off of Ramen noodles (luckily, I think that Ramen is fabulous).

Your playing on Sunday, though, was not fabulous. Clearly you need instruction from an editor with too much time on her hands, so here it is: cover your guy next time! If I write to you in the future it better be because you did something great on the field...or else I'll start making fun of you much like I did Durant Brooks (little known "fact": Durant Brooks was glad to be cut to avoid being cut further from my words).

Stop Sucking!


16 October 2008

Please Continue to be Awesome

Dear Chris Horton,

I'm going to take a break from my mean letters to write a nice one for you. You are awesome. Watching you intercept a pass would bring tears to my eyes if my heart wasn't ice cold (the only thing that makes me cry is beatings from Patriots Boyfriend--just kidding. I still don't cry then. I get what I deserve). Anyhoo, here are some things that I like about you:

1. How you intercept the ball.

2. How you tackle enemy players.

3. How you act sort of humble even though you know that you're one of the best players on the team.

4. How you were our final pick in the draft--saving best for last! Clearly picking Durant Brooks ahead of you was a mistake...coughVinnyCerratocough. Besides, who drafts a freaking punter ever? (Eh...I actually don't know too much about that, but one of the guys at work told me that it was a loser move).

5. Um...your hair? Although I must say that I had no idea what your name was for a while because I couldn't read the back of your jersey and because I rarely trust what Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Tony Siragusa say when they announce our games. One time they were talking about how Coach Zorn was yelling at the kicker for missing a field goal when it said "Brooks" right across the player's jersey. That's right. He was yelling at Durant Brooks for messing up the holding for the kick. Man, I'm glad that we got rid of him! Still, though, if your hair was shorter, I'd have known your name sooner and you wouldn't have inconvenienced me. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, please continue to be awesome and maybe you could teach your buddies on the team a thing or two.

So Glad We Have You,


15 October 2008

Don't be a Hero, Pete

Dear Pete Kendall,

Okay, I feel bad for you. I know that you weren't trying to give away the game to the Rams, but guess what? You did. You and Durant Brooks, our former (yay!) punter.

Here's the thing: I know that your position is rough. You're a guard. You never get the glory, the money, the swag, or the panties thrown at you from adoring fans. I get it! You want to be a rockstar on the field. I wanted to be a rockstar on the field during PowderPuff football back in high school, but instead I got to stand around gossiping while the football players/our coaches put their girlfriends in the game instead. I'm not bitter or anything, though. Anyway, you and I will never be rockstars, but at least you get to go out there and hang out with the rockstars on offense! You lucky thing, you! I know that you said that you had no "delusions of grandeur", but let's face it: you tried to move the ball knowing nothing about how to hold onto it.

Shoot. I think that I could've hung onto the ball at least...you know, until I was snapped like a twig.

All right. I'm going to let you go so that you can get back to practice, as you need a lot of it. From now on, don't be a hero, Pete.



14 October 2008

Why Haven't You Left Yet?

Dear Durant Brooks,

I'd hoped that this would be a farewell letter, but apparently you're still on the team. I think that all of Washington, D.C. is surprised by that! Yeah, yeah, I heard something about you needing an MRI and there is something wrong with your hamstring or your leg or something else that I don't care very much about.

Look, man: you kinda suck. I mean, you're the worst punter in the NFL. That's something, right? I mean, if there was an award for lousiest first-string punter in the NFL you'd win! Hands down! So one could argue that you are, in fact, a winner, not a loser.

Not me, though. Sure, there were tons of problems that the Redskins need to fix, but you are by far the biggest problem. We gave the Rams great field position nearly everytime and we need someone who can execute. The only thing that you executed was our chance at winning.

Here is my suggestion for who should replace you: Chris Horton. I know that he's a safety, but I feel sure that he'll be better than you. Second choice: Antwaan Randle El. The only thing he's not good at is punt returning; otherwise he can catch and throw the ball. Maybe Horton could take over for the punt returning...he can do it all!

So long,


P.S. What's with the name? I figured that you were Canadian and that would explain something like "Durant", but you were born in Georgia. What gives?

13 October 2008

The Only Turnovers I Like Have Apples in Them!

Dear Jim Zorn,

The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:

Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".

Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.

Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!

Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.

Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).

Still Angry with You,


P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.

06 October 2008

Leave it to the Gecko

Dear Jason Campbell,

Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.

Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.

NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:

1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.

2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.

3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!

Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.



P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.

03 October 2008

The Media is Jinxing Us!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may be wondering why I'm writing to you today; after all, I already congratulated you on Monday and you haven't screwed up anything in the past four days...that I know about. So why am I writing?

Because you need to look out. The media is jinxing the Redskins like crazy. All I'm seeing are headlines like, "Redskins ride turnover-free football to 3-1 record," "Redskins May Be Around For the Long Haul," and "Masters of disguise: Redskins defense confounds quarterbacks." I don't know what is worse: this blatant jinxing or the headlines that call us the "surprising" Redskins. Which are we? Masters of disguise or just plain lucky?

I'm not sure how you can plan against the bad luck that may befall you, but that's not my job...you're the one paid millions of dollars to figure this out. I will be happy to take a percentage from you for my problem-solving abilities, though. If you're hiring. (I live just a few miles from Redskins Park, so I'll never be late!)

Also, don't let your players start thinking that just because they beat the Cowboys they can just show up and beat everyone else. I know that Vinny Cerrato told Larry Michael on Reskins Nation that the players aren't thinking like that, but I don't trust him. He's too buddy-buddy with Dan Snyder, someone else that I don't trust. (Hmm...maybe Mom was right when she said that people judge you by who you hang out with. That's not good news for me: my friends are drunks and fascists!). That actually reminds me of something else I disapprove of! You let Dan Snyder HUG you! Don't even try to deny it because I saw it live on TV! I'm afraid this means that you've made a deal with the devil and I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, on one hand, it means that we should have an awesome season, but on the other hand, Satan's deals are never good for anyone but him.

In conclusion, do not be friends with Snyder because you'll be sad when he fires you. Also, make sure the 'Skins play well on Sunday. I'd personally appreciate Chris Cooley getting the ball a lot to help my Fantasy Football score. Right now I'm 2-2. Boo hoo.