29 September 2009

An 80-Yard Baby Bomb

Dear Jason Campbell,

By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you:  I think that you’re super.  You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with.  I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.

But it might be time to face facts:  you’re kind of not great at your job.  Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching.  Probably both.  I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays.  Was that true?  If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?

Sorry.  You probably can’t answer that.  Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes.  Like holding onto the ball.  Here are some suggestions:

1.    The oldest trick in the book:  glue your hands/gloves to the ball.

2.    Nail/staple your hands to the ball.  It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.

3.    Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop.  Like a baby.  You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason?  This seems like the best plan ever.  It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities.  Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.

Jason, I’m telling you as a stalker friend, that your days are numbered.  Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you.  Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan.  Please start playing better.  I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.



28 September 2009

I Think That You've Bleached Your Brain

Dear Jim Zorn,

If I could, I’d demote you.

To towel boy (Note: Do not Google image search "towel boy." Terrible idea).

On second thought, you’d probably screw that up, too.

So I change my mind: if I could, I’d fire you.

Know something else that sucks (besides your play-calling)? Redskins Parents gifted me with a Redskins “We <3 Our Coach” t-shirt back when Joe Gibbs was coach. I’ve been unable to wear it for over a year now. Thanks a lot.

No regards,


P.S. Stop spending so much time in the tanning beds. I think that you’ve bleached your brain.

P.P.S. Detroit? Seriously?

24 September 2009

Neither Congratulations Nor Accolades Are in Order

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not falling for it. You’re trying to fool this town into thinking that you’re suddenly not the worst kicker in the NFL with your shiny new one-hundred percent field goal completion record and lofty status as being tied for number six in the league. Number six is probably pretty sweet after ending last season tied for the eighteenth spot. So I guess you think that congratulations or accolades are in order. If you think that, you haven’t been reading all my letters to you.

Because I look at more than field goals, Shaun Suisham. That’s right, you were hired for kickoffs, too, which must be a huge surprise because you mostly suck at those. This isn’t an eighteenth place sort of thing, this is a THIRTY-FOURTH place sort of thing. Dude, there are only thirty-two teams; there are punters that are better kickers than you are. That's not even their position (note to self: Ask Jim Zorn why the hell we can’t get even one of those guys). Have you no shame?

I really have no idea why you are still on the team; my guess is that you have compromising pictures of Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, or them together and if so, well, kudos. A guy’s gotta try to keep his job in an economy like this. Since it doesn’t look like Jim Zorn taking my advice about you, I’m just going to have to make you a better kicker. Here’s my Ten-Step Plan to Success:

Step One: Make a sandwich (What? I’m hungry!)
Step Two: Daydream about a winning season
Step Three: Still hungry; eat Anti-Redskins Best Friend’s ice cream and say her husband did it.
Step Four: Daydream some more (I do this a lot), this time about how I’d look in a Redskins cheerleading uniform. Decision? Smokin’.
Step Five: Get down to business and contact my buddy, Special Teams Coach Danny Smith and get him to sign onto my “Water is for Winners” plan. Shaun Suisham, you will receive no water until or unless you improve your 53.4 yard average per kickoff. I wouldn’t cry about it if I were you, either; you need to contain all the liquids that you can because I don’t see you earning water anytime soon.
Step Six: Wonder if I should feel bad for constantly calling you out as the worst player on the entire team. Decision? Nope.
Step Seven: Encourage you to visualize someone that you hate when kicking the ball. Like every single fan of the Redskins ever. I think that you’ve given sufficient evidence to prove that you hate us. Even if you haven’t tweeted about it yet.
Step Eight: Encourage you to kick the ball further. Sorry; too hard?
Step Nine: Dognap your dog. Maybe kicking for Fluffy’s life will be a bigger incentive than a $526,240 yearly salary.
Step Ten: Get you on steroids and lots of them. And a supply of urine to fool the drug testers. Don’t worry; no one will be weirded out by your face after taking all the ‘roids because you’re Canadian. No one expects much from you in that department (Note to self: don’t let Canadian grandparents read this letter).

And there you have it. Ten Steps to Success and Victory!  I'll get started right away.

You’re welcome,


05 September 2009

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.