I Have So Many Emotions

Dear Mike Shanahan,

REMEMBER ME?  I'm sure that my nearly 18-month absence lulled you into a false sense of security.  Perhaps you believed that drafting an absolute stud like Mr. Griffin the Third was enough to silence me, but you were wrong.  As I told Redskins Fiance throughout today's game, I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS and now you get to hear alllllllll about them.  Strap yourself in; it's going to be a long and disturbing ride, just like my experience watching the Redskins lose to the Atlanta Falcons.

To be nice, I'll start with what I like: Alfred Morris.  Like all the previous Alfred's before him, he's a class act and super impressive at his job.  Just like Batman can't eat breakfast in the morning without his Alfred, Mr. Griffin the Third can't be as effective without his own wingman (I mean...we can't expect him to throw the ball to himself--though I'm certain that he'd be good at that if he set his mind to it).  Alfred Morris is amazing.  He reminds me of a young, effective Clinton Portis and everyone knows how much I adored Portis.  This guy is a MONSTER and it's hard to take him down.  One of my favorite things today was watching them play the exact same play over and over again and the Falcons looking surprised that Morris was able to get a first down despite their mediocre efforts.

DeAngelo Hall was surprising, too, since he generally misses tackles and has one good play a game--but today he had at least TWO good plays and I was super proud of him.

Who noticed Sav Rocca's punt within the 5-yard line?  I noticed, I liked, and I almost started regretting my notoriously sour feelings against punters just because they're almost like cousins to kickers..but don't get me STARTED on "Cousins."

He's an unsung hero, but London Fletcher is still a beast in my eyes.  Yes, he had a penalty against him, but how often does he get penalized?  The answer is "not often" because he's really just that great.  Did that one penalty cost us the game?  Of course not.  Kirk Cousins cost us the game, not any one penalty.  But we'll get to that douche canoe later.

Brandon Banks gets a bad rap. He's this little, tiny guy and he's not very effective. Most of the time when he runs with a kick or punt return, he gets stopped at the 20-yard line and EVERYONE is like, "DUDE!  I could do that!  Just take a knee in the End Zone!"  Honestly, I love that he still tries, unlike Antwaan Randle El back in the day.  And today, Brandon Banks had an awesome return that put us in Falcon territory.  He's not a perfect player, but I was proud of his attempts.  I think that he can do more than he has, but he keeps me interested in seeing what he'll do  every week.

Mr. Griffin the Third is...well, it's too soon to call him Saint RGIII unless he actually dies from his probable concussion (the "Saint" title is reserved for real saints and Joe Gibbs).  I love watching this man play football.  He makes me feel like I could be a better person and that poverty could be cured just because of the beauty I see everytime that he pitches the ball to Alfred Morris and we get a first down.  Please get better, Mr. Griffin the Third.  I love AND respect you.

Let's not forget Ryan Kerrigan.  Even Anti-Redskins Best Friend loves this guy and for good reason.  I love that when he caught that interception, he didn't hesitate.  He just got it and ran it in for the touchdown as if he does it all the time when we all know that he doesn't because he's a Redskin and he almost NEVER gets that opportunity. 

Josh Wilson was sometimes good and sometimes bad.  But he's #26, Clinton Portis' number, so I have a a soft spot in my heart for him.  And I expect more than what he did...but he had just enough good plays to keep my mouth shut for another week.

But you know what, Shanahan?  You have problems...two in particular.  The first is Billy Cundiff.  I wasn't willing to overlook last week's dismal 25% field goal completion rate AT ALL, but today was a new game and all I cared about was winning--if it had to be with him on our team, SO BE IT.  Then he missed another field goal.  FOR SERIOUS.  I don't even...I don't understand.    There are no words.  My brain shuts down whenever I try to determine why Cu**f*** (yeah, I made up a name for him) is still on the team.

The second problem is Kirk "Ken Doll" Cousins.  The name "Cousins" gives me a nice warm feeling because I LOVE my cousins and I was pleasantly surprised by his touchdown pass to Santana Moss.  "Oh my God!" I shouted at my TV.  "Kirk Cousins!  He doesn't suck!"  Smiles were seen, wine was poured, and wine was savored (by me--lots of it).  Even if the Redskins offensive line is still terrible, maybe we have a valuable backup in Kirk Cousins!  Though it was like a knife stabbed into my heart to see a dazed Mr. Griffin the Third walk to the locker room to get looked over, I was cautiously excited.  Maybe Cousins was more than just the stupidest fourth round pick than I'd ever seen.

Then he threw an interception.  Suddenly, the game was tied up.  Redskins Fiance tried to convince me that this kid was okay and he'd just had a little bad luck, but I was not quick to agree.  I've been a football fan longer and harder than this guy (I would never agree to marry someone who thought that he was a bigger fan--it would open him up to a world of physical pain every football season when I proved otherwise through cage-fighting) so I know a LITTLE (a lot) more about the game than he does.  I was proven right when Cousins threw yet ANOTHER interception.

Please pass on this message to Kirk Cousins:  I understand that you LOOK like a Ken doll...but are you playing like crap because you have no penis...LIKE A KEN DOLL?  That is my only explanation.  I hope that Barbie can assuage your feelings of impotence tonight, but I don't have high hopes--

Much like the rest of Washington.  Until Mr. Griffin the Third is fully healthy, no one has high hopes.  Please get him back.

Your team's #1 fan,

Karen

Redskin Letters Is YouTubing It

Dear Redskin Fans,

Today's a big day, folks.  Redskins Brother and I attempted the Redskins conditioning test that Albert Haynesworth finally passed today.  We had, uh...mixed results.  But the great news is that you all get to see for yourselves.  That's right--Redskin Letters has graduated to video.  Please excuse the major suckage in the video editing because this is my first try at making a movie since Anti-Redskins Best Friend and I created "Grammar in the City" back in college.  Also, please excuse the major suckage in the content of the video.  Um, spoiler alert?





So there you have it.  Albert Haynesworth is better at passing a conditioning test than Redskins Brother and I.  I'm appropriately ashamed of myself.

But does Haynesworth know how to write a letter?  Or make a YouTube video?  Yeah, I didn't think so.

Love,

Karen

Neither Congratulations Nor Accolades Are in Order

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not falling for it. You’re trying to fool this town into thinking that you’re suddenly not the worst kicker in the NFL with your shiny new one-hundred percent field goal completion record and lofty status as being tied for number six in the league. Number six is probably pretty sweet after ending last season tied for the eighteenth spot. So I guess you think that congratulations or accolades are in order. If you think that, you haven’t been reading all my letters to you.

Because I look at more than field goals, Shaun Suisham. That’s right, you were hired for kickoffs, too, which must be a huge surprise because you mostly suck at those. This isn’t an eighteenth place sort of thing, this is a THIRTY-FOURTH place sort of thing. Dude, there are only thirty-two teams; there are punters that are better kickers than you are. That's not even their position (note to self: Ask Jim Zorn why the hell we can’t get even one of those guys). Have you no shame?

I really have no idea why you are still on the team; my guess is that you have compromising pictures of Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, or them together and if so, well, kudos. A guy’s gotta try to keep his job in an economy like this. Since it doesn’t look like Jim Zorn taking my advice about you, I’m just going to have to make you a better kicker. Here’s my Ten-Step Plan to Success:

Step One: Make a sandwich (What? I’m hungry!)
Step Two: Daydream about a winning season
Step Three: Still hungry; eat Anti-Redskins Best Friend’s ice cream and say her husband did it.
Step Four: Daydream some more (I do this a lot), this time about how I’d look in a Redskins cheerleading uniform. Decision? Smokin’.
Step Five: Get down to business and contact my buddy, Special Teams Coach Danny Smith and get him to sign onto my “Water is for Winners” plan. Shaun Suisham, you will receive no water until or unless you improve your 53.4 yard average per kickoff. I wouldn’t cry about it if I were you, either; you need to contain all the liquids that you can because I don’t see you earning water anytime soon.
Step Six: Wonder if I should feel bad for constantly calling you out as the worst player on the entire team. Decision? Nope.
Step Seven: Encourage you to visualize someone that you hate when kicking the ball. Like every single fan of the Redskins ever. I think that you’ve given sufficient evidence to prove that you hate us. Even if you haven’t tweeted about it yet.
Step Eight: Encourage you to kick the ball further. Sorry; too hard?
Step Nine: Dognap your dog. Maybe kicking for Fluffy’s life will be a bigger incentive than a $526,240 yearly salary.
Step Ten: Get you on steroids and lots of them. And a supply of urine to fool the drug testers. Don’t worry; no one will be weirded out by your face after taking all the ‘roids because you’re Canadian. No one expects much from you in that department (Note to self: don’t let Canadian grandparents read this letter).

And there you have it. Ten Steps to Success and Victory!  I'll get started right away.

You’re welcome,

Karen

By "Job" I Mean "Paid for Sunbathing"

Dear Jim Zorn,

Are you playing Clinton Portis or not? Enquiring minds (just mine) want to know! Can you just tell ME? I promise that I won't tell anyone else. See, the thing is, I'm freaking out a little here. It could be all the Red Bull-and-vodkas I've had or it could be my insecurity over the Redskins' skills. It's a toss up. Anti-Redskins Best Friend would say it's the vodka, but she's wrong about anything that's sports-related, so there you go. Always wrong.

I recently (like ten minutes ago) read something from some Dallas newspaper saying that the Cowboys are assuming that CP is playing. Now, I want him to play more than you do (I do!!!), but I also don't like any Cowboys being right. So I don't even know what to pray for (I also hate ending sentences with prepositions, but what am I going to do? Besides, I doubt that most people who read this know what prepositions are). Anyway, I want Portis to play. I also want to screw with the Cowboys. I'm sure that there is a way that both of these things can happen. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have Clinton Portis dress up in a Durant Brooks jersey. The Cowboys are too stupid to know that he's not our punter anymore; Portis can kick and even catch the ball all by himself, even though that's not really his job. That's how good he is.

2. Instead of instant replays, show local Clinton Portis commercials on the Jumbotron. The Cowboys will be confused. How can he be on that screen and be at the game at the same time? That doesn't seem possible. Clearly, he can't be playing. Foolish Cowboys.

3. Clinton Portis should play poorly for the first half and lull the Cowboys into a false sense of security (just like Anti-Redskins Best Friend's bunny rabbit does before she scratches the hell out of me) and then when the third quarter starts--BAM!! He goes crazy and gets mad yardage and schools the Cowboys. I will buy the DVD of that game. I will even start the bidding at $1 billion dollars. Anyone want to beat that? I doubt it. I win.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, you should tell the world that Portis isn't playing, and then at the last minute, tell the world that they are idiots for believing you because Clinton Portis is the man and he'll be there. At the game. Winning it for Washington. All Redskin fans will bow down before you and even worship you in a creepy way if you beat Dallas TWICE in your first season of coaching. Also, two wins against Dallas = five free years of coaching. You'll have' a job for years!!! I wish I had a job for years. And by "job" I mean, "paid for sunbathing".

You know about sunbathing, right? At least you're familiar with tanning beds. Patriots Boyfriend still asks me about that. And I still hit him. Until he hits back. Sigh.

Beat Dallas!!

Karen

Please Sign My Jersey!

Dear Clinton Portis,

You're kind of flashy and I dig it. I love it when you dress up as Southeast Jerome and your other characters because I think that it gets fans super excited. Recently, you've been in the news for less than favorable things, but I'm on your side. When I heard that you'd totally bitched out future Hall-of-Famer Brian Mitchell, I was shocked and disappointed...until I heard what Mitchell had been saying. You were completely right to blast him and the media.

I always liked B-Mitch until this happened; this AND what I just heard him say on the Comcast Pre-game show! He said that it was obvious that Joe Gibbs wished that he was doing his NASCAR thing the last four years! WTF?! I'll force myself to admit that Saint Joe wasn't as passionate as he was in the '80s, but he was completely focused on the Redskins during his second tenure. So Brian Mitchell is dead to me, except during those times when Patriots Boyfriend says something like, "Who is Brian Mitchell, anyway?" and I flip out and start naming all of Mitchell's records and how he's going into the Hall and how I hate the Patriots and I hope they all tear their ACLs!

In conclusion, Clinton, you are awesome and the Dirty Thirty is not. Please play today like you did last week because you were on FIRE!!

Love,
Karen

P.S. Will you sign my #26 jersey? I wear it every single game day with my lucky, holey jeans, and I think that it definitely helps as long as I don't watch the game at my best friend's house. She's very anti-Redskins and very powerful...her negative vibes totally overpower the positive, pro-Redskins vibes from myself and her husband.