I Guess That I Should Thank You

Dear Billy Cundiff,

Hi.  We haven't met yet, but I'm certain that you've heard of me because my letters strike fear into the hearts of many a player.  Especially kickers.  I think that you've heard of kickers, right?  I feel like I have to ask because today's game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers leads me to believe that you don't know what that position entails.  Let me spell it out for you:

KICKERS ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE FIELD GOALS.  You might be confused because you were signed by the Washington Redskins and we all know their history of kickers. I still can't hear the name Shaun Suisham without immediately needing to take a scalding hot shower where I might sometimes sit and cry until the water grows cold.  Or I might not.  Whatever.

Last week, against the Cincinnati Bengals, I understood when you missed the 62-yard field goal.  Sure, some kickers would have tried extra hard to win the game for their team, but 62 yards is kind of a lot to ask.  So I was disappointed, but didn't hate you.  Yet.  Don't worry, you made it happen today.  I almost wrote a song about how I detest you, but no one wants to hear me sing just the two words, "F**k you" over and over again in different pitches.

"But, Karen, I won the game," you'd probably say if I deigned to speak to you ever.  WHATEVER.  A 25% field goal completion record is pretty dismal.  I could let go of the 57-yarder, but there's really no excuse for missing 41-yard and 31-yard kicks that aren't blocked or touched.  So I asked myself what could have happened in your past to make you so terrible and I found the answer.

You used to be a Cowboy.  Apparently, the powers that be in the Washington Redskins organization did not learn from previous mistakes (Jim Zorn, Deion Sanders, Shaun Suisham, etc.) and ignored the biggest rule in D.C.: never sign former Cowboys to the Redskins.  What kills me a little inside is that you replaced Shuan Suisham in Dallas and then (after he screwed us over in a game against the Cowboys) he replaced YOU.  Someone thought that the scourge of D.C. was better than YOU.  I don't think that Shaun Suisham ever even missed three field goals in one game and he was awful.

In a way, I guess that I should thank you.  Thank you, Billy Cundiff, for proving to me once again that kickers are never to be trusted.  Thank you for outraging me sufficiently enough to write to you and thank you for the nightmares that I'm sure to have about being forced to watch you and Shaun Suisham miss field goals and then jump in the air and high five about it because you're the worst men in the NFL, despite players like an ex-convict, Adam "Pacman" Jones, and Ray Lewis who DID NOT kill a guy.  Allegedly. Ahem.

Oh, and thanks for finally doing your effing job and making a field goal at the end,

Karen

Still On The Team--For Now

Dear Graham Gano,

I generally catch a lot of flack for how I treat Redskins kickers in my letters which I've never understood because LOOK AT YOU GUYS.  I really thought that anyone was better than Shaun "Shortbus" Suisham as evidenced by my many poetic overtures saying that almost word for word, but you're forcing me to reconsider.  I don't appreciate being forced to do anything (just ask Redskins Dad how long I stood next to his chair, refusing to swallow a mouthful of green beans last week when I was a toddler--I dare ya) and I especially don't like thinking about Shaun Suisham, even for purposes of comparison.  It makes my tummy hurt.

But sometimes a girl has to get a hot cup of tea and some crackers and calm her stomach enough to make a few comparisons.  It's called taking one for the team, which you might be unfamiliar with because of how many field goals you miss on a weekly basis.  That's called not being a team player, jerk-who-I-hate.  Prior to today's game, you had missed nine of twenty-nine field goals, ranking you 36th in the NFL.  THIRTY-SIXTH!  THE NFL ONLY HAS THIRTY-TWO TEAMS!  Don't expect your ranking to get much better after today.

I'm also disappointed because your birthday is the day (and a few years) after mine and you were born in Scotland, which makes you seriously cooler than Shaun "I-hail-from-the-Great-White-North-eh?" Suisham.  Yeah, yeah, he sucked pretty badly and you'll never get me to say otherwise, but you're still worse because you're still on the team.  For now.

You've been (kind of) warned,

Karen

I Can't Believe That Jesus Died For This

Dear Donovan McNabb,

Thanks for ruining my Easter, jerkface.  I wanted to find the best possible way to let you know my true feelings about you becoming a Redskin, but I simply don't have the time to drive up to Philadelphia and nail my version of Martin Luther's "95 Theses" to your door.  Do you know what I do have time for, though?  That's right, a poem.  Because that's how I roll, sucker.

Once upon a time in the land of D.C.
Redskins fans everywhere had the same dream
That Shanahan and Allen wouldn't ruin our season
But what they've done seems more like treason

Sure, we might be lacking in the quarterback position
But it doesn't excuse this terrible decision
The only players who are worse than Donovan McNabb
Are probably just the ones that we already have

Signing Rex Grossman was a horrible call
But trading for McNabb is the worst one of all
The only thing that could make me sicker
Is getting Shaun Suisham back as our kicker

Who in Hell wants McNabb on their team?
(Obviously, I'm angered to the extreme)
His past performance is not that of legends
Why should we take Philly's sloppy seconds?

I wish that I had a hot tub time machine
To go back to Coach Gibbs and the 1980s
And forget this Easter and everything gone amiss
Because I can't believe that Jesus died for this.

Happy Stinkin' Easter,

Karen

My Children Are Going to be Winners

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency.  Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict:  so far, not really.  But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year.  But cheer up!  I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies.  I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas.  NEVER THERE).  But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the blogging Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets."  Do you hear that, Redskins fans?  It's a contented sigh coming from all of you.  Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens.  This is like being demoted twice in a row.  In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back.  He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach.  I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach.  Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch.  This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day.  What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet.  We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM.  Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life.  Don't screw up, Bruce.  We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc.  Thank God that Randle El is gone.  I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams.  That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team.  Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that.  He didn't.  So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas.  I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts!  The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie!  And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!).  Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back.  It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps!  Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother.  He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver.  When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside.  Yeah, that's right, everyone!  Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself!  And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME!  ME!  Muahhahhahahah!  Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place!  Thanks, Redskins Brother!  And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world!  Sometimes I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it.  I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish.  It might teach me some responsibility.  If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins?  Well, it isn't.  Unless I name it after one of them.  Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn.  Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him.  Or Salmonta Moss?  Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?!  Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh.  We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

I Hope That Santa Leaves You A Lump Of Coal

Dear Jim Zorn,

I warned you.  I told you that Shaun Suisham was a spy for the Dallas Cowboys, but no one wanted to listen to me.  Do you think that it's a coincidence that Suisham missed not one, but two field goals against the Cowboys and then a measly twenty-nine days later is signed by them?  SERIOUSLY?!!?!?!?!  This is NO coincidence!  This was planned, it was intentional, and it is unacceptable!  When, for God's sake, when are we going to stop signing former Cowboys?  It is never ever a good decision.  And perhaps you didn't sign Suisham to begin with...but you kept him on the team for as long as you did.

I hope that Santa leaves you a lump of coal in your stocking.  If he leaves you nothing at all, you might think that he just forgot you, but if he leaves you coal, you'll know that you're on the Naughty List.

You're already dead to me, but you're going to be worse than dead--zombie food--if Shaun Suisham kicks a field goal to win the game against us when we play Dallas on Sunday.

Enjoy your coal,

Karen

I'm Going To Suggest Seclusion

Dear Vinny,

May I call you Vinny?  Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t really care.  I am ecstatic that you have resigned.  I mean, it’s kind of seriously making my day right now…and my Christmas!  What was the last thing that I put in my “Joy to the World: Shaun Suisham’s Fired” song?  Something like, “I hope that Cerrato is fired next!”  Yeah.  Well, you weren’t fired, but I’m fairly positive that you were given the “resign or I’m firing you” ultimatum from Danny Boy.

You might wonder where you go from here.  I’m going to suggest seclusion where you’ll have time to grow a beard, put in some colored contacts, maybe gain fifty pounds and reinvent yourself.  No one will have to know that you were one of the worst General Managers in Redskins history—nay, football history itself.  You should have been fired or resigned directly after you wasted a draft pick on a punter.  And a terrible punter at that.  Durant Brooks.  I still hate that guy (note:  I realize that I have a weird, but all-consuming contempt for kickers/punters.  I have no idea why this is because I’ve never dated or been supremely wronged by one in my life.  My brother was a high school kicker and even though I still make fun of him for it, I’m unable to identify exactly what makes me do it.  In twenty years I’ll probably end up in therapy uncovering a repressed memory of a professional kicker stealing a lollipop from my three-year old hands).

Because I love to wax poetic, here is an acrostic poem for you (one of the easiest kinds):

Very
Ineffective
Nerdy and
Never going to succeed
You suck

I’m pretty sure that I speak for all of Washington, DC:  hit the road, Vinny, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.

Wondering who to pick on next,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Karen

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say?  This is the end of a long, hard road for me.  For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings.  A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired.  I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this?  Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season.  I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song.  So here goes.  Ahem.

Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!

We'll see him suck no more!

Zorn finally did something right;

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!

Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but

Instead he made us sick

Instead he made us sick

Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season

We might have stood a chance!

And my blog would've been more kind!

We could have beat the Cowboys

We could have beat the Saints

And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome

Since Redskin Brother's text!

And all that's left to wonder is

Who'll be fired next?

Who'll be fired next?

I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham.  I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker.  Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,

Karen

Sucker!

Karen's Note:  This letter was inexplicably sent back to me.  Huh.  Guess Shaun Suisham isn't there anymore.  Muahahahha.  Stay tuned for more developments.

Dear Shaun Suisham,

The reason why I generally don't listen to post-game interviews is because I like to believe that players I dislike show no remorse for their transgressions.  I was disappointed that you took all the blame on yourself for your missed field goal against the Saints because now I'll feel slightly guilty for petitioning to have you fired.  It won't stop me, but it does make me act like a girl by considering your lousy feelings.  I hate when that happens.

I've tried to get you fired.  I've tried to give you pointers.  I've tried to shame you into performing better, but none of it seems to work.  What do you want from me, Shaun?  What can I possibly do for you that will help you to help the Redskins?

You're married, so I can't hook you up with girls with an attraction to sub-par professional kickers.  Your job doesn't require you to write anything more than your signature, so I can't edit your work (and, honestly, if you need an editor for your signature, you have more problems than even I can solve).  I already regale you with fine examples of snark all the time, so it's doubtful that you need more.  I am a delight to have at parties, but I understand that you don't invite me to anything for fear that I'll bring up your shoddy performance--as you should be concerned because I'll do exactly that...and after enough Red Bull-and-vodkas, "Holiday" egg nog, and spiked punch, I won't even feel guilty (I probably won't feel hungover, either, because of the tolerance that I've developed since Halloween).  I have some money saved, but you earn more than twenty times what I make and you should probably give most of that back.  How about a return of $10,000 for every kickoff where the ball doesn't land within the first five yards in the opposing team's territory, $15,000 for every missed extra point, and a return of $25,000 for every missed field goal?  By the end of the season, you'll probably be paying to play.  Thank goodness because the Washington Redskins franchise is going to start hemorrhaging money if we keep losing.

We still haven't answered what I can do for you, Shaun.  I propose a week with no nasty letters from me to you or about you.

Starting eight days ago.

Sucker!

Karen

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

You Don't Deserve Poetry

Dear Shaun Suisham,

You're the worst.  You don't deserve poetry, but I'm in a rhyming mood.  Ahem.


Ode to Shaun Suisham

Although it pains me that you haven't been fired
I must write about the events that have transpired
The only way to ensure that I will not curse
Is to put all of my feelings into verse

For when it comes to kickers in this world
You are far worse than a five-year old girl
Of your performance today I am ashamed
Yet not surprised that you are so lame

Since kickers aren't people and their feelings don't count
I don't regret the campaign that I'm about to mount
If Zorn doesn't want to hear any more of my lip
All he must do is give you a pink slip

Or perhaps I shouldn't be approaching Jim
Since he's busy pretending that he can win
But if I had to choose between his job or yours
You can bet that you'd be kicked out the door

Of all the games you could lose for us
You had to wait until we finally played Dallas
Two missed field goals make me want to cry
I always knew that you were a Cowboy spy

Something to give thanks for during this week
Is that we have seven days before we'll be beat
But I still have hope in my heart that we can win
As long as your D.C. career is at it's necessary end.

I think that I've made myself clear.

Disgusted with you,

Karen

Cool Name. Plus Five.

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m back to comment on the Redskins current rankings!  I know that you’re just as thrilled as I am.  Mostly I’m glad that today is about pointing out what we as a team are doing well.  Too many of my letters recently have been negative and while there are valid reasons for that (like, we’re one of the worst teams in the NFL), it disappoints me when I have to criticize.  I don’t like doing that.  I much prefer the letters that I wrote at the beginning of the 2008-09 season when I was, perhaps, less witty but enthusiastic with my praise.

Anyway, let’s get started:

Field Goals Made (tied for 1^st/32):  Okay, before I get into the praising portion of this letter, let me say that this one statistic isn’t the only thing that we should be looking at in regards to Shaun Suisham.  We also have to look at the fact that he’s a Canadian (fail) and, slightly less importantly, he is SECOND-TO-LAST in the NFL for kickoff kickers.  Though our ability to score three points when our offense can’t make it into the red zone is pretty necessary to get any points on the board, having a kicker who can kick the ball right where we need it is way more important.  A good kicker gives the opposing team horrible starting field position and Suisham doesn’t cut it.  Which leads me into (finally) something we’re good at:

Kickoff Return Average (1^st/32):  I realize that the complaint above would lead some to think that the Redskins’ opponents must start on our side of the field, BUT luckily our Special Teams are around to prevent opposing teams to capitalize on Suisham’s failings.  Well…they don’t always prevent them, but being in first place is good enough for me.

Fourth Down Percentage / Red Zone Percentage (2^nd/32):  See, our defense does pretty well in general, but here are two categories where we’re exceptionally good; when the opposing team only needs a few yards to get the first down or the touchdown, we stop them more than almost every other team.  Can you imagine how many points would be scored on us if our red zone defense wasn’t so stellar?

Passing Yards Per Game (3^rd/32) and Yards Per Game (5^th/32):  Basically, our pass coverage is awesome thanks to players like Chris Horton, LaRon Landry, and Fred Smoot, but our ground coverage isn’t nearly so good—we’re 24^th in the league for Rushing Yards Per Game allowed.  Since we appear to have the pass coverage down, why not focus a little on the rest, Zorn?  Probably I should be writing to Greg Blache about that, but really, aren’t you his boss?  Can’t you pass along the word?  What is it that you do over there now???

Sacks (6^th/32): Thank Andre Carter for this one.  The way that he took down Donovan McNabb on Monday night made me want to bake him some cookies.  But then we lost the game and I lost the urge.  Still, it was pretty epic.

London Fletcher: Okay, he wasn’t on the list, but I should point out here that he leads the NFL in tackles for the season.  And he has a cool name.  Plus five for that.

There you go, Jim Zorn.  A (mostly) positive letter.  Enjoy it, because it’ll probably be the last one that you see until your good bye letter at the end of the season.

Happy reading over the bye week,

Karen

Done. Kaput. Over.

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow, tough break, guy.  I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other.  It's time to say good bye to the good old days.  You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.

Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list.  Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.

Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out.  You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree.  But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?

Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach.  It just isn’t done.   Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired.  To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things.  That had to hurt.  But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done.  Kaput.  Over.  The fat lady is singing.

Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach.  Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move.   The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding?  You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.

Let me repeat that:  they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally).  If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.

Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt.  I mean, seriously?!  A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort!  You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball.  And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed.  He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.

Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn.  Maybe you should try it some time.

Not surprised that you’re in this position,

Karen

P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!

P.P.S.  So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too.   As a person, not as my quarterback.  He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday.  A negative two.  NEGATIVE TWO.

There Are Plenty of Other Coaches Who Can Get a Tan!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m aware that I haven’t written to you in about two weeks; I’ve been busy with work and you’ve apparently been busy coming up with ways to hurt me.  Congratulations!  You were successful at something, finally.  After Sunday’s loss to the Carolina Panthers (seriously?  The Panthers?!), I laid in bed, prostrate with grief—okay, I didn’t.  But who could blame me if I did?  That game was brutal.  Everyone felt it.

It started out well enough.  As I tweeted during the game, Shaun Suisham’s opening kickoff got to the 2-yard line, which is pretty stellar in all honesty.  And you know how I hate praising him.  Everyone knows it; I’m not terribly subtle*.  Then on the very next play, Albert Haynesworth recovered that fumble and then Clinton Portis got a touchdown.  All in less than two minutes.

Aha! I thought.  The Panthers are even worse than us!  I was certain of victory.

Well, I was certainly wrong.

I could pin this on several mistakes made by our players, but I’m tired and don’t feel like it.  Except for mentioning that Shaun Suisham missed a tackle.  Yeah, he’s a kicker and a kick returner shouldn’t be able to get past all the rest of our guys and leave it to the guy wearing only one shoe, but I just wanted to give you another reason to fire him.  We have to cut our losses somewhere and I think that we should start with him.

So I’m going to pin this loss elsewhere: on you, Jim Zorn.  That’s right, your charming witticisms and fake bake tan have only gotten you so far with me and now it’s done.  You’re not special!  There are plenty of other coaches in the league who can get a tan!  And I want Dan Snyder to go ahead and get me one of them.

Actually, strike that.  I don’t even care if our next coach can get a tan.  I’d rather that he just KNOW HOW TO COACH A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM.

And so farewell, Jim Zorn.  Sure, you’ll get more letters from me; I’m nothing if not persistent, after all.  But I’m not counting on Dan Snyder sticking by your side at the end of the season.  So even if you keep your job through the next eleven games…well…perhaps you won’t be done in the league.  Maybe Seattle will take you back as a Quarterback Coach.

Probably not, though.

Bitterly disappointed once again,

Karen

P.S.  I take back everything if we finish out the regular season at 13-3.  Kthxbai.

*This picture may or may not depict real life.**
**It doesn't.

Neither Congratulations Nor Accolades Are in Order

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not falling for it. You’re trying to fool this town into thinking that you’re suddenly not the worst kicker in the NFL with your shiny new one-hundred percent field goal completion record and lofty status as being tied for number six in the league. Number six is probably pretty sweet after ending last season tied for the eighteenth spot. So I guess you think that congratulations or accolades are in order. If you think that, you haven’t been reading all my letters to you.

Because I look at more than field goals, Shaun Suisham. That’s right, you were hired for kickoffs, too, which must be a huge surprise because you mostly suck at those. This isn’t an eighteenth place sort of thing, this is a THIRTY-FOURTH place sort of thing. Dude, there are only thirty-two teams; there are punters that are better kickers than you are. That's not even their position (note to self: Ask Jim Zorn why the hell we can’t get even one of those guys). Have you no shame?

I really have no idea why you are still on the team; my guess is that you have compromising pictures of Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, or them together and if so, well, kudos. A guy’s gotta try to keep his job in an economy like this. Since it doesn’t look like Jim Zorn taking my advice about you, I’m just going to have to make you a better kicker. Here’s my Ten-Step Plan to Success:

Step One: Make a sandwich (What? I’m hungry!)
Step Two: Daydream about a winning season
Step Three: Still hungry; eat Anti-Redskins Best Friend’s ice cream and say her husband did it.
Step Four: Daydream some more (I do this a lot), this time about how I’d look in a Redskins cheerleading uniform. Decision? Smokin’.
Step Five: Get down to business and contact my buddy, Special Teams Coach Danny Smith and get him to sign onto my “Water is for Winners” plan. Shaun Suisham, you will receive no water until or unless you improve your 53.4 yard average per kickoff. I wouldn’t cry about it if I were you, either; you need to contain all the liquids that you can because I don’t see you earning water anytime soon.
Step Six: Wonder if I should feel bad for constantly calling you out as the worst player on the entire team. Decision? Nope.
Step Seven: Encourage you to visualize someone that you hate when kicking the ball. Like every single fan of the Redskins ever. I think that you’ve given sufficient evidence to prove that you hate us. Even if you haven’t tweeted about it yet.
Step Eight: Encourage you to kick the ball further. Sorry; too hard?
Step Nine: Dognap your dog. Maybe kicking for Fluffy’s life will be a bigger incentive than a $526,240 yearly salary.
Step Ten: Get you on steroids and lots of them. And a supply of urine to fool the drug testers. Don’t worry; no one will be weirded out by your face after taking all the ‘roids because you’re Canadian. No one expects much from you in that department (Note to self: don’t let Canadian grandparents read this letter).

And there you have it. Ten Steps to Success and Victory!  I'll get started right away.

You’re welcome,

Karen

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

There Are Plenty of Lousy Kickers for You to Choose From

Dear Jim Zorn,

Rant. That is the answer to your question, "Am I going to get a rant or a rave today?" You are definitely getting a rant, but you should have expected this.

What the heck were you thinking? I was irritated to learn that the Redskins re-signed Shaun Suisham because it shows me that you want to lose by a field goal or two in each game this season. Awesome.

Here are things that we can look forward to with Shaun Suisham as our kicker:

1. Another reason to blame Canada for something. Go home, Suisham!!

2. You, Zorn, deciding, "Hey...this guy can't kick worth a damn, but why not let him try this 56-yarder? I know that he's in 35th place for field goals made (and that means that three teams have TWO kickers better than him), but I think we can do better. Last place or die trying! LOL!" Yes. I imagine that you use textspeak in casual conversation, tool.

3. Me throwing things at the TV every time we miss a field goal...I will bankrupt myself buying new TVs and then stalk you at Redskins Park until you reimburse me...because clearly it will be all your fault.

4. More rants from me. So. Maybe there IS a silver lining. Who doesn't love a good Karen!Rant? (I should probably copyright that before everyone wants to do their own Karen!Rants).

5. Me encouraging Redskins Brother to get a Suisham jersey like he threatened last season, thereby ensuring that Suisham will get injured or traded. Go ahead, Redskins Brother. Do your worst!

Seriously, Jim Zorn, there are PLENTY of lousy kickers out there for you to choose from. Can't you just get someone who doesn't suck quite as hard?

Starting the alliterative "Sign-up to Stop Shaun Suisham" petition,

Karen

At Least JMU Made it to the Playoffs

Dear Chris Cooley,

Dude. I can't believe that you fumbled so early in that game. Why do you want to hurt me? Is it because I said that Clinton Portis is my favorite player? You're almost definitely number two, so I don't believe that I should be punished this way.

I started off my weekend by driving down to Harrisonburg and wound up watching the JMU Dukes lose to the Montana Stupid Grizzlies in the Division 1AA Semi-Finals; I thought that all those turnovers from the Dukes would be the worst football I'd see all weekend. Then I watched you guys on Sunday afternoon and discovered how wrong I was. I mean, at least JMU made it to the playoffs and one of their players (Scotty McGee) has a drink named after him. Do you have a drink named after you, Cooooooley? Answer: nope. I googled it and came up with squat ("McGee" ingredients: 1 shot vodka, 1 shot cranberry juice, 8 oz. ginger ale; "McGee" streetname: "JMU Ginger").

Anyway, Cooooooley, before you wonder whether this letter is really just to brag about my college team being better than you guys, let me just say that it is. Wonder no more.

Your fumble, though, gave momentum to the Bengals and they held on for the rest of the game. So, thanks for that fumble. And thanks for taking away our playoff chances. I mean, even Shaun Suisham made his field goals! Ryan Plackemeier had some awesome punts, too! Everything else mostly sucked, though. All because you gave our momentum away. I suppose that it was a nice early Christmas present to Cincinatti, but what are they giving us this year? Probably not a win. You screwed us in this gift exchange. Since you can't make it up to me by getting us into the playoffs, you can make it up another way: Christmas cheer and lots of it (also known as egg nog and buckets of rum) delivered to my apartment.

Waiting on my "Cheer,"

Karen

P.S. I'm glad that I gave up on Fantasy Football because I'm betting that you would have gotten me negative points this week.

You've Been Truthed!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.

But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):

1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?

2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.

3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?

4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!

No Regards,

Karen

P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.

Bet You Want to Know What We Call Mangini and Reid!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I made a list of all the crappy things that your guys did yesterday, but I don't have it on me right now so I guess that I'll have to wing it. Kinda like what you did yesterday with your playbook.

We are never going to make the playoffs if we can't convert on third downs!!!! I simply do not understand why Jason Campbell throws to players inside the first down line when we're on third down. It makes absolutely no sense. Even if one of our guys catches the ball, he's usually brought down immediately, making sure that we have to punt the ball away.

Here's another problem: Shaun Suisham. I know that it's easy to blame things on the kicker (remember: kickers aren't people like us), but it's especially easy when he misses a field goal in almost every game. I've defended him for too long and you know what I've gotten out of it? Not field goals. He's missed eight field goals this season, and missed one in each of the last three games. That's a 72.4% success rate which translates to a D+ in Fairfax County Public Schools. That's the best that you guys can do? A D+? Awesome.

And how about those penalties? There's nothing better when you're losing than to shoot yourself in the foot, too. Kind of like when the Redskins are losing and I try to pick a fight with Patriots Boyfriend even though he won't fight with me when I have the craaaazy eyes (It's fun...I say things like Eric Mangini is a great guy and Bill Belichick is a terrible person and a cheater...which reminds me that Patriots Boyfriend wants the world to know that he hates Mangini with a fiery passion, but I can't repeat here what he calls him because it's wildly inappropriate. I said it about Andy Reid yesterday, though, and I don't think that Patriots Boyfriend had ever been so proud of me).

Sigh. You disappoint me very much, Zorn.

Keeping from Weeping,

Karen

P.S. Heard on WMZQ this morning from DJ Brian Egan (regarding Malcolm Kelly and how he and the "young guys" can't catch any balls: "He can't even catch a cold!" I laughed.

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen