07 December 2009

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,
Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!
Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.
1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.
                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.
                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.
                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.
                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.
                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.
Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.
So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.


L.A. said...

Quality Yet Again Karen!

Anonymous said...

"You Need a New Kicker
Dear Jim Zorn,

You need a new kicker...."
This is from one of your posts LAST YEAR! (Sept.15,2008) You have finally been heard. Since it took Jim Zorn over a year to recognize what has been obvious to everyone else, he should also be fired.