21 December 2009

I Hope That Santa Leaves You A Lump Of Coal

Dear Jim Zorn,

I warned you.  I told you that Shaun Suisham was a spy for the Dallas Cowboys, but no one wanted to listen to me.  Do you think that it's a coincidence that Suisham missed not one, but two field goals against the Cowboys and then a measly twenty-nine days later is signed by them?  SERIOUSLY?!!?!?!?!  This is NO coincidence!  This was planned, it was intentional, and it is unacceptable!  When, for God's sake, when are we going to stop signing former Cowboys?  It is never ever a good decision.  And perhaps you didn't sign Suisham to begin with...but you kept him on the team for as long as you did.

I hope that Santa leaves you a lump of coal in your stocking.  If he leaves you nothing at all, you might think that he just forgot you, but if he leaves you coal, you'll know that you're on the Naughty List.

You're already dead to me, but you're going to be worse than dead--zombie food--if Shaun Suisham kicks a field goal to win the game against us when we play Dallas on Sunday.

Enjoy your coal,


18 December 2009

I'm Going To Suggest Seclusion

Dear Vinny,
May I call you Vinny?  Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t really care.  I am ecstatic that you have resigned.  I mean, it’s kind of seriously making my day right now…and my Christmas!  What was the last thing that I put in my “Joy to the World: Shaun Suisham’s Fired” song?  Something like, “I hope that Cerrato is fired next!”  Yeah.  Well, you weren’t fired, but I’m fairly positive that you were given the “resign or I’m firing you” ultimatum from Danny Boy.
You might wonder where you go from here.  I’m going to suggest seclusion where you’ll have time to grow a beard, put in some colored contacts, maybe gain fifty pounds and reinvent yourself.  No one will have to know that you were one of the worst General Managers in Redskins history—nay, football history itself.  You should have been fired or resigned directly after you wasted a draft pick on a punter.  And a terrible punter at that.  Durant Brooks.  I still hate that guy (note:  I realize that I have a weird, but all-consuming contempt for kickers/punters.  I have no idea why this is because I’ve never dated or been supremely wronged by one in my life.  My brother was a high school kicker and even though I still make fun of him for it, I’m unable to identify exactly what makes me do it.  In twenty years I’ll probably end up in therapy uncovering a repressed memory of a professional kicker stealing a lollipop from my three-year old hands).
Because I love to wax poetic, here is an acrostic poem for you (one of the easiest kinds):
Nerdy and
Never going to succeed
You suck
I’m pretty sure that I speak for all of Washington, DC:  hit the road, Vinny, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.
Wondering who to pick on next,

09 December 2009

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say?  This is the end of a long, hard road for me.  For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings.  A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired.  I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this?  Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season.  I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song.  So here goes.  Ahem.
Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!
We'll see him suck no more!
Zorn finally did something right;
And Suisham won't miss a goal
And Suisham won't miss a goal
And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!
Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but
Instead he made us sick
Instead he made us sick
Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season
We might have stood a chance!
And my blog would've been more kind!
We could have beat the Cowboys
We could have beat the Saints
And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome
Since Redskin Brother's text!
And all that's left to wonder is
Who'll be fired next?
Who'll be fired next?
I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham.  I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker.  Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,


08 December 2009


Karen's Note:  This letter was inexplicably sent back to me.  Huh.  Guess Shaun Suisham isn't there anymore.  Muahahahha.  Stay tuned for more developments.

Dear Shaun Suisham,

The reason why I generally don't listen to post-game interviews is because I like to believe that players I dislike show no remorse for their transgressions.  I was disappointed that you took all the blame on yourself for your missed field goal against the Saints because now I'll feel slightly guilty for petitioning to have you fired.  It won't stop me, but it does make me act like a girl by considering your lousy feelings.  I hate when that happens.

I've tried to get you fired.  I've tried to give you pointers.  I've tried to shame you into performing better, but none of it seems to work.  What do you want from me, Shaun?  What can I possibly do for you that will help you to help the Redskins?

You're married, so I can't hook you up with girls with an attraction to sub-par professional kickers.  Your job doesn't require you to write anything more than your signature, so I can't edit your work (and, honestly, if you need an editor for your signature, you have more problems than even I can solve).  I already regale you with fine examples of snark all the time, so it's doubtful that you need more.  I am a delight to have at parties, but I understand that you don't invite me to anything for fear that I'll bring up your shoddy performance--as you should be concerned because I'll do exactly that...and after enough Red Bull-and-vodkas, "Holiday" egg nog, and spiked punch, I won't even feel guilty (I probably won't feel hungover, either, because of the tolerance that I've developed since Halloween).  I have some money saved, but you earn more than twenty times what I make and you should probably give most of that back.  How about a return of $10,000 for every kickoff where the ball doesn't land within the first five yards in the opposing team's territory, $15,000 for every missed extra point, and a return of $25,000 for every missed field goal?  By the end of the season, you'll probably be paying to play.  Thank goodness because the Washington Redskins franchise is going to start hemorrhaging money if we keep losing.

We still haven't answered what I can do for you, Shaun.  I propose a week with no nasty letters from me to you or about you.

Starting eight days ago.



07 December 2009

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,
Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!
Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.
1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.
                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.
                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.
                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.
                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.
                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.
Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.
So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.