08 December 2009


Karen's Note:  This letter was inexplicably sent back to me.  Huh.  Guess Shaun Suisham isn't there anymore.  Muahahahha.  Stay tuned for more developments.

Dear Shaun Suisham,

The reason why I generally don't listen to post-game interviews is because I like to believe that players I dislike show no remorse for their transgressions.  I was disappointed that you took all the blame on yourself for your missed field goal against the Saints because now I'll feel slightly guilty for petitioning to have you fired.  It won't stop me, but it does make me act like a girl by considering your lousy feelings.  I hate when that happens.

I've tried to get you fired.  I've tried to give you pointers.  I've tried to shame you into performing better, but none of it seems to work.  What do you want from me, Shaun?  What can I possibly do for you that will help you to help the Redskins?

You're married, so I can't hook you up with girls with an attraction to sub-par professional kickers.  Your job doesn't require you to write anything more than your signature, so I can't edit your work (and, honestly, if you need an editor for your signature, you have more problems than even I can solve).  I already regale you with fine examples of snark all the time, so it's doubtful that you need more.  I am a delight to have at parties, but I understand that you don't invite me to anything for fear that I'll bring up your shoddy performance--as you should be concerned because I'll do exactly that...and after enough Red Bull-and-vodkas, "Holiday" egg nog, and spiked punch, I won't even feel guilty (I probably won't feel hungover, either, because of the tolerance that I've developed since Halloween).  I have some money saved, but you earn more than twenty times what I make and you should probably give most of that back.  How about a return of $10,000 for every kickoff where the ball doesn't land within the first five yards in the opposing team's territory, $15,000 for every missed extra point, and a return of $25,000 for every missed field goal?  By the end of the season, you'll probably be paying to play.  Thank goodness because the Washington Redskins franchise is going to start hemorrhaging money if we keep losing.

We still haven't answered what I can do for you, Shaun.  I propose a week with no nasty letters from me to you or about you.

Starting eight days ago.



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