07 March 2011

Please Get Your Collective Act Together

Dear Redskins,

Yep.  ALL OF YOU.  I can't turn my back on you (and by "turn my back" I mean "drink my weight in wine and then some," not actually giving up on you clowns) for three months before you're causing trouble all over the place.  Every time I hear a new piece of news, I tell people, "I'm so going to write a letter to that guy!" but then another one of you gets into the biggest pickle of the off-season.  I am way too busy and important to keep track of all this, but I'm going to do my best to address what I can.

1.  Albert Haynesworth.  I'm mad at you.  Seriously.  Mostly I'm mad that I'm trying to write you this darn letter one-handed because I don't want to put down my wine glass (I'm over 21, don't judge me), but I'm also upset because of assault.  You've assaulted my eyes and my senses because I had to read this and this.  Come on, guy.  We've all felt murderous rage towards other motorists, but at least some of us are smart enough not to get caught.  As for the other thing, as a female and former waitress I can tell you in no uncertain terms that women don't want strange dudes putting fingers in their cleavage.  I PROMISE YOU.  Please stop.  Also, I shouldn't even be writing to you because you shouldn't be on the team anymore.  LEAVE.  You'd be too expensive even if you were performing well, which you aren't.  Suspension kind of leads to that.

2.  Brandon Banks.  What the eff, kid?  I'm not really a fashionista (though I know better than to wear a Canadian tuxedo), but I'm pretty sure that Stacy and Clinton have said that wearing white after Labor Day is A-okay in their books.  So, why, why, WHY would you start a fight with a be-knifed dude over his white-on-white outfit?  You do realize that the real police come to altercations, right?  The "fashion police" come to alterations.  And their existence is just a joke that I wish was totally and completely real (let's face it: if the fashion police existed, we'd be able to avoid Ed Hardy, Uggs, and websites that show horrific things like this).  I know how hurtful it is when people don't dress to impress--I GET IT.  But you know who isn't ever in the news for stabbing or being stabbed?  That's right, ME.  Learn it, love it, live it.

3.  Dan Snyder.  I'm so tired of you.  I understand that all you care about is money.  I mean, I understand that that's a thing that some people care about.  I care about it, too, when I'm hard on my luck and midgets little people appear in the King's castle and offer to spin a bunch of straw into gold so that I don't die or something.  But you know what I care about more than money?  WINNING.  Duh.  Guess what the Redskins have NOT been doing?  And do you know what doesn't help your image as one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL?  Suing journalists who call you one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL.  The only time in your entire tenure as owner that your worth went up was unfortunately when Sean Taylor (RIP #21) died.  Since I don't want any more star players to die, I have no idea how you're going to manage that feat again unless you start groveling to fans.  Maybe start with lowering the cost of stadium beer from $8 a cup to anything below that.  We're in a recession, after all, and I know how to sneak booze inside and drink for free.  Just saying.

4.  Clinton Portis.  I love you too much to include you with these guys.  When I drink enough again, you'll get your own letter.

Until then, Redskins, please get your collective act together.