Are You a Businessman or a Crybaby?

Dear Dan Snyder,

I have something for you here.  Come closer.  Do you see it?  Yup, in the words of the meanest teacher that I had in high school, Sister Satan, "This is the smallest violin in the world playing 'My Heart Cries for You.'"  She was being sarcastic because she was a horrid person who didn't deserve to be married to Jesus, but her words have stuck with me nevertheless and I hope that they stick to you as well as Vinny Cerrato's lips stuck to your butt all the while that he worked for you and helped to make my beloved team what it is today: a team of  losers.

As everyone in the DC area is already aware, you've filed a lawsuit against Dave McKenna from the Washington City Paper and accused the paper of being a tabloid among other offenses because of his article that basically just reminded every Redskins fan of all the reasons why we dislike you.  Really, guy, people talk trash about you all the time.  For me, a conversation isn't complete until I've eviscerated you in some way (for example, when I spoke to a belligerent client on the phone about his dissatisfaction with my division and I quipped, "At least we're not Dan Snyder with the Redskins," and then he and I had a good laugh and became best friends).  Unfortunately for me, I'm pretty sure that I'm unprotected from your retribution unlike Dave McKenna is as member of the media.  I might have spent more time doing homework for other classes than actually doing...whatever it is that I was supposed to be doing during the year that I spent in Journalism (also the same year that I had Sister Satan as a teacher.  Hmm), but I did learn that journalists are at least a little bit protected from lawsuits.  Even though McKenna's article was super long (because you've screwed up that many times), did he really write anything libelous?  Even though he went on...and on...and on, you only picked, like, three things to complain about and one of them was a cartoon where someone drew horns on your head.

Look, Dan, people aren't always going to agree with you; mostly it's because you make terrible decisions, but I feel like it's also a good, general life lesson to learn that maybe no one has ever taught you.  You also never learned that the worst way to get your city on your side is to SUE ONE OF ITS NEWSPAPERS.  Come on.  It's no secret that Redskins fans despise you for...just about everything.  Why are you even defending yourself?  Are you a businessman or a crybaby?

It's bad enough that Albert Haynesworth is still on the team and getting indicted for assault because of the whole sticking-money-in-a-waitress's-cleavage thing.  We don't need more bad publicity!  McKenna's article only became famous because you decided to sue; he wasn't saying anything different than anyone else in this town.  Your lawsuit has actually generated more bad publicity for you than his article ever could have.  So congratulations.  You win.  At being the biggest loser in sports.

Please sell the team, you freaking asshat,

Karen

Please Get Your Collective Act Together

Dear Redskins,

Yep.  ALL OF YOU.  I can't turn my back on you (and by "turn my back" I mean "drink my weight in wine and then some," not actually giving up on you clowns) for three months before you're causing trouble all over the place.  Every time I hear a new piece of news, I tell people, "I'm so going to write a letter to that guy!" but then another one of you gets into the biggest pickle of the off-season.  I am way too busy and important to keep track of all this, but I'm going to do my best to address what I can.

1.  Albert Haynesworth.  I'm mad at you.  Seriously.  Mostly I'm mad that I'm trying to write you this darn letter one-handed because I don't want to put down my wine glass (I'm over 21, don't judge me), but I'm also upset because of assault.  You've assaulted my eyes and my senses because I had to read this and this.  Come on, guy.  We've all felt murderous rage towards other motorists, but at least some of us are smart enough not to get caught.  As for the other thing, as a female and former waitress I can tell you in no uncertain terms that women don't want strange dudes putting fingers in their cleavage.  I PROMISE YOU.  Please stop.  Also, I shouldn't even be writing to you because you shouldn't be on the team anymore.  LEAVE.  You'd be too expensive even if you were performing well, which you aren't.  Suspension kind of leads to that.

2.  Brandon Banks.  What the eff, kid?  I'm not really a fashionista (though I know better than to wear a Canadian tuxedo), but I'm pretty sure that Stacy and Clinton have said that wearing white after Labor Day is A-okay in their books.  So, why, why, WHY would you start a fight with a be-knifed dude over his white-on-white outfit?  You do realize that the real police come to altercations, right?  The "fashion police" come to alterations.  And their existence is just a joke that I wish was totally and completely real (let's face it: if the fashion police existed, we'd be able to avoid Ed Hardy, Uggs, and websites that show horrific things like this).  I know how hurtful it is when people don't dress to impress--I GET IT.  But you know who isn't ever in the news for stabbing or being stabbed?  That's right, ME.  Learn it, love it, live it.

3.  Dan Snyder.  I'm so tired of you.  I understand that all you care about is money.  I mean, I understand that that's a thing that some people care about.  I care about it, too, when I'm hard on my luck and midgets little people appear in the King's castle and offer to spin a bunch of straw into gold so that I don't die or something.  But you know what I care about more than money?  WINNING.  Duh.  Guess what the Redskins have NOT been doing?  And do you know what doesn't help your image as one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL?  Suing journalists who call you one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL.  The only time in your entire tenure as owner that your worth went up was unfortunately when Sean Taylor (RIP #21) died.  Since I don't want any more star players to die, I have no idea how you're going to manage that feat again unless you start groveling to fans.  Maybe start with lowering the cost of stadium beer from $8 a cup to anything below that.  We're in a recession, after all, and I know how to sneak booze inside and drink for free.  Just saying.

4.  Clinton Portis.  I love you too much to include you with these guys.  When I drink enough again, you'll get your own letter.

Until then, Redskins, please get your collective act together.

Love,

Karen

Redskin Letters Is YouTubing It

Dear Redskin Fans,

Today's a big day, folks.  Redskins Brother and I attempted the Redskins conditioning test that Albert Haynesworth finally passed today.  We had, uh...mixed results.  But the great news is that you all get to see for yourselves.  That's right--Redskin Letters has graduated to video.  Please excuse the major suckage in the video editing because this is my first try at making a movie since Anti-Redskins Best Friend and I created "Grammar in the City" back in college.  Also, please excuse the major suckage in the content of the video.  Um, spoiler alert?





So there you have it.  Albert Haynesworth is better at passing a conditioning test than Redskins Brother and I.  I'm appropriately ashamed of myself.

But does Haynesworth know how to write a letter?  Or make a YouTube video?  Yeah, I didn't think so.

Love,

Karen

Don't Even Try To Sit On Me

Dear Albert Haynesworth,

Washington, DC is all abuzz with the news that you want to be traded from the Redskins.  Well, whoopty-doo.  Guess what, Al?  We want to get rid of you, too.  In fact, many of us haven't been pleased with you since...oh, when you were signed for a $100 million contract.  You wouldn't have been worth that insane amount of cash even if you had stayed healthy and hadn't had to sit out to regain your precious breath after every play where you actually did something worthwhile for once; you definitely weren't worth $55,000 per snap.  You weren't worth one of my addicting butterscotch cookies per snap and I give those babies out like they're...well...cookies.  Or babies.

Since you seem to be completely uninterested in anything awesome pertaining to the Redskins, you may be unaware that this is my slow time when it comes to writing letters, but here I am anyway, popping up to let you know that you're a tool and not even a very good one.  You're like an electric drill that stops working when the batteries die, when all anyone really needs is a screwdriver.  Or a broken escalator when people just need stairs.  Or Jay Leno when everyone under the age of sixty-five just wants Conan O'Brien.

In conclusion, you suck.  Don't let the stadium doors hit you on your fat behind on the way out--if you can walk out under your own power without stopping for a hit off an oxygen tank first.

Looking forward to getting money back for any other player ever (besides Tony Romo),

Karen

P.S.  Don't even try to sit on me.  I've been working out and I can outrun you!

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

There Are Plenty of Other Coaches Who Can Get a Tan!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m aware that I haven’t written to you in about two weeks; I’ve been busy with work and you’ve apparently been busy coming up with ways to hurt me.  Congratulations!  You were successful at something, finally.  After Sunday’s loss to the Carolina Panthers (seriously?  The Panthers?!), I laid in bed, prostrate with grief—okay, I didn’t.  But who could blame me if I did?  That game was brutal.  Everyone felt it.

It started out well enough.  As I tweeted during the game, Shaun Suisham’s opening kickoff got to the 2-yard line, which is pretty stellar in all honesty.  And you know how I hate praising him.  Everyone knows it; I’m not terribly subtle*.  Then on the very next play, Albert Haynesworth recovered that fumble and then Clinton Portis got a touchdown.  All in less than two minutes.

Aha! I thought.  The Panthers are even worse than us!  I was certain of victory.

Well, I was certainly wrong.

I could pin this on several mistakes made by our players, but I’m tired and don’t feel like it.  Except for mentioning that Shaun Suisham missed a tackle.  Yeah, he’s a kicker and a kick returner shouldn’t be able to get past all the rest of our guys and leave it to the guy wearing only one shoe, but I just wanted to give you another reason to fire him.  We have to cut our losses somewhere and I think that we should start with him.

So I’m going to pin this loss elsewhere: on you, Jim Zorn.  That’s right, your charming witticisms and fake bake tan have only gotten you so far with me and now it’s done.  You’re not special!  There are plenty of other coaches in the league who can get a tan!  And I want Dan Snyder to go ahead and get me one of them.

Actually, strike that.  I don’t even care if our next coach can get a tan.  I’d rather that he just KNOW HOW TO COACH A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM.

And so farewell, Jim Zorn.  Sure, you’ll get more letters from me; I’m nothing if not persistent, after all.  But I’m not counting on Dan Snyder sticking by your side at the end of the season.  So even if you keep your job through the next eleven games…well…perhaps you won’t be done in the league.  Maybe Seattle will take you back as a Quarterback Coach.

Probably not, though.

Bitterly disappointed once again,

Karen

P.S.  I take back everything if we finish out the regular season at 13-3.  Kthxbai.

*This picture may or may not depict real life.**
**It doesn't.