16 June 2010

Don't Even Try To Sit On Me

Dear Albert Haynesworth,

Washington, DC is all abuzz with the news that you want to be traded from the Redskins.  Well, whoopty-doo.  Guess what, Al?  We want to get rid of you, too.  In fact, many of us haven't been pleased with you since...oh, when you were signed for a $100 million contract.  You wouldn't have been worth that insane amount of cash even if you had stayed healthy and hadn't had to sit out to regain your precious breath after every play where you actually did something worthwhile for once; you definitely weren't worth $55,000 per snap.  You weren't worth one of my addicting butterscotch cookies per snap and I give those babies out like they're...well...cookies.  Or babies.

Since you seem to be completely uninterested in anything awesome pertaining to the Redskins, you may be unaware that this is my slow time when it comes to writing letters, but here I am anyway, popping up to let you know that you're a tool and not even a very good one.  You're like an electric drill that stops working when the batteries die, when all anyone really needs is a screwdriver.  Or a broken escalator when people just need stairs.  Or Jay Leno when everyone under the age of sixty-five just wants Conan O'Brien.

In conclusion, you suck.  Don't let the stadium doors hit you on your fat behind on the way out--if you can walk out under your own power without stopping for a hit off an oxygen tank first.

Looking forward to getting money back for any other player ever (besides Tony Romo),


P.S.  Don't even try to sit on me.  I've been working out and I can outrun you!


Jamie said...

This is possibly the greatest written thing that I have ever read. I have now bookmarked this website, and will religiously read it. North Springfield represent!

Karen said...

Dear Jamie,

This is definitely the greatest written thing that you have ever read.

Thanks for reading!


Larry Horse said...

Now I seem selfish, I wanted a letter and now I want one of those cookies. Albert is a player that Chairman Dan deserves, but not Redksins' nation.

Anonymous said...

Karen-- I just came across your Blog, thanks for Facebook that is, and I LOVE it! You are fantastic. I am bookmarking you right now! ….Done. I knew there was a reason we have been friends since elementary school, we love the Redskins and wine! Yippee for us! Perhaps I can make a "guest appearance" on your blog this season? I will begin polishing my letter writing skills and send you my work. With a bottle of wine, of course :)


P.S. I second Jamie's quote, " North Springfield represent!"

Karen said...

Larry Horse--Next time that you come to DC, we'll make sure that you get some of my cookies. Just don't tell anyone else or everyone will want some.

Cindy! I would love to post some guest letters! I'm thinking that Shanahan and the guys are going to need an awful lot of guidance this season and--really--who better to give it than myself and my friends?