29 September 2008

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys/Losers

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow. I'm so happy. Yesterday afternoon I put on my Clinton Portis jersey and my lucky jeans and was ready for the game. Patriots Boyfriend was over to watch because the Pats didn't play this week (Patriots Boyfriend was glad because this meant that they couldn't lose!). I burned some party mix and sat down to enjoy the game.

Here are the things that I liked:

1. That you put Chris Horton in (I accidentally typed "Christ" instead of "Chris" at first...Freudian slip??) and he got that interception. Thanks for not relying solely on Reed Doughty (weird...I just googled him to check the spelling of his name, and the search term "reed doughty jersey" came up. Who on earth would want one of those? Maybe his mom).

2. Santana Moss got the ball a lot. I told my buddy at work to look for Moss to be awesome during this game and I was right, so thanks for that.

3. Jason Campbell isn't turning the ball over! Hasn't this whole season! Yay!

4. That you show emotion on the field. It gives me something more to look at than just your tan. Your AWESOME tan. (Patriots Boyfriend: "How does Jim Zorn get so tan?" Me: "Um. He's outside a lot." Patriots Boyfriend: "It's not THAT sunny out." Me: Yes, it is! Go back to Connecticut and freeze to death!")

Here are the things that I didn't like:

1. Casey freaking Rabach. Penalties on TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! This wasn't YOUR fault, but I'm still mad.

2. What the hell was with trying not to lose in the fourth quarter rather than trying to WIN? Always go for the touchdown rather than the field goal.

3. Your dumb "Hip, hip, hooray" cheer in the locker room after winning. You couldn't do better than that?

4. You still don't seem to have the requisite hatred toward the Cowboys yet. Get on that!

Anyway, I'm going to start being a little kinder to you now that we're #2 in the NFC East and we beat the Cowboys in Texas. Please keep up the good work.



26 September 2008

Beating the Cowboys Periodically Since October 9, 1960!

Dear Jim Zorn,

Sunday is a super big game for you, and you don't even know it, man. Seriously, Dan Snyder might even keep a coach on when he's 2-14 for the season, so long as those two wins are against Dallas. Washington is full of squabbling politicians and lobbyists, but the one thing that brings everyone together is a great defeat of the Dallas Cowboys.

I'm quite disappointed that you do not hold the fiery rage in your heart that all true Redskins fans must when it comes to the Cowboys. You don't understand how big this is: it's more than you and your team...it's for every Washington fan in any town they happen to be in. A Redskins win over any team guarantees a cheerful Washington on Monday, but a Redskins win over the Cowboys ensures cheer everywhere a fan goes. When the 'Skins beat the Cowboys 14-13 on a certain Monday night game three years ago, my entire college campus (2 1/2 hours from D.C.) was in a great mood for days. There were rainbows, sunshine, ninjas, and unicorns for the rest of the week (the roving band of ninjas might have been unrelated, but I choose to believe otherwise).

You seem to not even CARE about this rivalry. I lament that it may take a loss at the hands of the Cowboys before you ever truly realize how important this is. At the very least, please PRETEND to hate those jerks. Also, Joe Gibbs is better than you because he hated the Cowboys more.

Ready for you to step up the hate,


P.S. Maybe you should listen to WMZQ sometimes. Like this morning, they played "Hail to the Redskins" and "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys" back-to-back and now I'm totally pumped for Sunday and my Cowboys hate is renewed like it should be.

21 September 2008

Please Sign My Jersey!

Dear Clinton Portis,

You're kind of flashy and I dig it. I love it when you dress up as Southeast Jerome and your other characters because I think that it gets fans super excited. Recently, you've been in the news for less than favorable things, but I'm on your side. When I heard that you'd totally bitched out future Hall-of-Famer Brian Mitchell, I was shocked and disappointed...until I heard what Mitchell had been saying. You were completely right to blast him and the media.

I always liked B-Mitch until this happened; this AND what I just heard him say on the Comcast Pre-game show! He said that it was obvious that Joe Gibbs wished that he was doing his NASCAR thing the last four years! WTF?! I'll force myself to admit that Saint Joe wasn't as passionate as he was in the '80s, but he was completely focused on the Redskins during his second tenure. So Brian Mitchell is dead to me, except during those times when Patriots Boyfriend says something like, "Who is Brian Mitchell, anyway?" and I flip out and start naming all of Mitchell's records and how he's going into the Hall and how I hate the Patriots and I hope they all tear their ACLs!

In conclusion, Clinton, you are awesome and the Dirty Thirty is not. Please play today like you did last week because you were on FIRE!!


P.S. Will you sign my #26 jersey? I wear it every single game day with my lucky, holey jeans, and I think that it definitely helps as long as I don't watch the game at my best friend's house. She's very anti-Redskins and very powerful...her negative vibes totally overpower the positive, pro-Redskins vibes from myself and her husband.

17 September 2008

Please Don't Post Your Junk Online

Dear Chris Cooley,

This morning I visited the Drudge Report as I do every morning and saw a link titled, "NFL Player Posts Photo of His Genitals on Website". Hovering over the link, I saw that it said something about "local 6 news" so I assumed that it couldn't be a Redskin because we don't have a channel 6 in the DC area. I almost didn't click on the link because I don't care about NFL players' genitalia and I figured that it was some no-name player from another team.

I was so very wrong. The first thing I read when I clicked on the link was "Redskins tight end" and I KNEW IT WAS YOU.

I'm appalled. Not that you accidentally posted your junk on the world wide web, but that it happened because you were studying materials, given to you by Coach Zorn, in the nude. Who studies in the nude? I went to college for five years and I never once did that. Also, if I HAD studied nude, I never would have gotten a camera out to take pictures of study materials on my lap where people might get a better view than I'd like. I'm assuming the materials were on your lap, but please don't correct me if I'm wrong. I don't want to think about this ever again.

In the future, Chris Cooley, please refrain from studying nude and taking pictures and then posting them for the entire world to see. Also, you're on my fantasy team, so can you get Campbell to get you the ball more?



15 September 2008

You Need a New Kicker

Dear Jim Zorn,

You need a new kicker. I have a very good reason for this and it's not because Shaun Suisham is Canadian. It's not even because he missed TWO field goals yesterday. No, it's for a much more sinister reason than that, but you won't believe me until something bad happens.

My brother thinks that he's a Super Fan, too, but he's not. Whenever he gets a jersey of a Redskin, that player starts sucking big time, and leaves the 'Skins due to trading or injury. He does not have a single current jersey because of this, even though he owns over ten. You'd think he'd learn his lesson and accept that he's jinxed, but he's not terribly bright so he keeps it up. Case in point, this weekend he asks me, "Karen, do you mind if I get a Shaun Suisham jersey?"

I flipped out on him and let him know in no uncertain terms that I mind a lot. He never listens to me, though, so he'll probably get one soon. I'll let you know as soon as that happens so that you can bench Suisham, but for now be on the lookout for a new guy.



P.S. I loved Jason Campbell's 67-yard bomb to Santana Moss. It made me squeal. Maybe you don't suck after all.

13 September 2008

You Have a Great Tan

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm (sort of) sorry if I hurt your feelings on Friday, but you upset me. Do you know how embarrassing it is to date a Patriots fan? His team is always better! I mean...now Tom Brady is out, but still. Anyway, I have to watch the Redskins screw up play after play and THEN listen to my boyfriend say sarcastically, "Well, at least Jim Zorn has a great tan!" Do you know how that made me feel? Joe Gibbs didn't waste time in tanning beds; he spent his time coaching. Maybe you should take a lesson from his playbook.

Annoyed, but still envious of your tan,


05 September 2008

You Coach Poorly On Purpose, Right?

Dear Jim Zorn,

Some have joked about how Zorn sounds like a villian in a comic book and now you're proving them right. The kind of incompetance I witnessed while we gave away the game to the New York Giants shows me that you had to be doing it on purpose. No one can play THAT poorly, right?

Washington can't take fifteen more games of that crap. Step it up, or I'll write you more letters.



04 September 2008

Don't Blow it, Jim

Dear Jim Zorn,

Everyone in Washington is wondering what you're going to do tonight and you better not disappoint. I'd like to officially welcome you to the family, but around here a coach isn't a coach until he's beaten Dallas. This is why Norv Turner didn't join the family until his second year of coaching.

You have a lot to live up to; even though Joe Gibbs wasn't as effective in his second time in Washington, we still worship him in a way that's creepy to outsiders. And, honestly, no one really wanted you for this job. You're just a placeholder until Dan Snyder can buy Bill Cowher from CBS.

If you start winning games for us, though, everyone will soon forget that they never wanted you and will, in fact, defend you to the death. You can't beat the Washington Redskins for their loyalty, even in times of struggle. So good luck. You'll be hearing from me again soon.


P.S. I only sign my letters "love" when they're to Joe Gibbs. You are not there yet.