01 August 2009

I'm Back And Ready to Attack!

Dear Redskin Letters Fan(s),

I apologize for neglecting my correspondence to the Redskins in the past few months, but two of my bosses are Cowboys fans and they’ve had me working crazy overtime AND they blocked blogger functions so that I couldn’t update from work. It’s like they don’t even understand why I got a job with internet access.

Anyhoo, I’m back just in time for training camp! Before I start castigating Jim Zorn and squeeing over Chris Cooley, though, I think that we need to review what I think about everything happening in the NFL.

  • Michael Vick’s been reinstated on a trial basis. I thought that he already had a trial and was convicted on charges of animal abuse, but what do I know? I don’t even like animals that much. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up with the Cowboys and the rest of their criminals.
  • Speaking of the Cowboys, Tony “I Can’t Win a Playoff Game” Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson and then posted signs at his house saying that she’s not allowed in. That’s way harsh, Tony. I wonder if holding up pictures of Jessica will still cause him to lose games. I hope so. In fact, I think that Dan Snyder should invite her to Washington when Dallas comes to town, to celebrate that she no longer has to pretend to like the Cowboys. For funsies, she could also sing the National Anthem if she can remember the words and put on a half-time show with songs from her failed country album. Jessica, I liked that one song of yours that got on the radio. Not enough to buy it, though. Sorry.
  • By the way, Tony? When people care more about who you’re dating than how you’re playing? Doesn’t bode well. Also, I hate you.
  • Hey Steve McNair! Wanna know the best way to not get killed by your girlfriend? Don’t cheat on your wife. (Hmm. Maybe I should have mentioned that to him a couple months ago. Oh well. Too late now.)
  • I had to change my text message alert ringtone away from “Hail to the Redskins” because sometimes I get annoyed by text messages and I cannot associate “annoyance” and “the Redskins” together. I still had it on when Redskins Brother texted me a picture of Saint Joe Gibbs and that was awesome. Also, Redskins Brother and I are no longer speaking because he didn’t help ME meet Coach Joe. Redskins Brother = big jerk who wore my leotard once when we were kids. Yeah, I said it on your Facebook wall and now I’m saying it for the rest of the world to read.
  • Brett Favre retired again, guys. For real this time. Maybe. Pretty soon he’s not going to be hot enough for me to pretend to care about him.
  • Tom Brady’s back with the Patriots. Perhaps playing football will be a nice change from knocking up chicks.
  • Assorted comments from rejected applicants; may they feel some shame for their lame attempts to woo me:
  1. “If you choose me, I will make you see God.” I gotta say that being told that you want to kill me is kind of a turn off. I have forwarded this to the authorities several times and will continue to do so until they take the death threat seriously. I don’t want to see God until I’m really old, like 45.
  2. "Because I am better looking than Dan Snyder.” First, you gave no photographic evidence to support this claim; second, you did not use complete sentences. If you can’t follow such a simple direction, how do I know that you’re going to serve me a Bloody Mary exactly how I like it? I refuse to take such a risk.
  3. “I love the Redskins as much as you do…or maybe even more.” LIAR! Screw you AND your dirty lies.
  4. "Here’s why you should like the Cowboys….” Yeah. I didn’t even bother finishing this one. Clearly you ignored some of the big “Rejected!” pictures, so you must be an idiot or you think that you are above filling out the application correctly. Let me tell you something, Cowboys fan, NO ONE IS ABOVE FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION CORRECTLY. Also, you suck.

I’m considering getting Twitter just so that you all can know my feelings about the Redskins’ performance during real-time once the season starts. Is anyone interested in that?

Peace out homies (don’t worry, I’m getting tan enough this summer that I can say that),