Snyder and Jones, BFFs 4 Lyfe!

Dear Dan Snyder,

You really had me fooled.  I knew that you were a jerk and bad at being an owner, but I thought that all of your missteps and attempts to stuff cash into the holes of a sinking ship were done out of blind love of the Washington Redskins.  "Of course I hate him," I'd say in confidential tones to friends, family, and strangers on the Metro, "and of course I'd rather have anyone else as an owner, but at least he loves the team.  It's a lot like the love of a toddler for a pet that he will squeeze until its eyes bug out or it dies, but it's still love."

Love?  I scoff at the word.  An owner who loved his team would not pal around with the enemy.  That's right, we know that you and Dallas Cowboys' owner, Jerry Jones, are BFFs 4 lyfe.  I bet that you even have a photo of the two of you in a frame on your desk that says it.  I can excuse the Papa John's commercial, mostly because of my great love for Papa John's pizza (seriously, Papa John, if you read this I'll trade my first born child for a lifetime supply of your pizza...or even a months' supply), but you couldn't just keep it to friendly, tongue-in-cheek commercials with the Redskins' arch-nemesis, could you?  It's a rhetorical question, but I'll go ahead and answer it for you just in case you're a bit slow--NOPE, you couldn't just keep it there.

When I stopped by Redskins Parents' house this morning to eat Redskin Brother's stale popcorn and help rid Redskins Dad of a Corona Light (okay, it was more like 1:30pm, but that's still morning for me on the weekends), I felt figuratively warm all over because the family was watching football together already.  I had no warning of the upset that I would soon receive.  As everyone complained that I hadn't written any letters recently and they were surely going to start a hunger strike soon in hopes that I would bless them with something new*, I said that I was looking for inspiration.  I picked up the Washington Post in hopes of finding something that would inspire me, but all I saw was Donovan McNabb's advertisement for Capital One.  He was supposed to look confused because he's new in town, but I think that he was confused because he was in an ad without Campbell's Chunky Soup in his hands or his mommy by his side.  (Is she going to lace up your sneakers tonight, too, Donovan?).

Anyway, I lacked inspiration and Redskins Brother gave it to me when he told me about THIS interview:




That's right, Danny boy, you can't hide from the truth: your family vacations with Jerry Jones' family.  This is like Harry Potter and Voldemort hanging out and laughing about how they try to kill each other five months out of the year, but during the off-season they like to go to Boca and argue good-naturedly about whose turn it is to serve the mimosas.  Actually, that's probably an unfair comparison because Harry Potter has some good qualities and actually has some reasons to be an angsty teen whereas you are far too old to be a teenager.  And I'm waiting on the good qualities.

But seriously, Jerry Jones?!  It was bad enough watching you look up at him with that sickening puppy-dog look of adoration on your face during the interview, but hearing Jones blather on about how he's so surprised that the Redskins haven't won a Super Bowl under your reign of terror was like eating one insult after another.  Of all the owners in the entire league, you had to choose the only jerk as big as you as a mentor.  In fact, if I were faced with the choice of you or him as the owner of the Washington Redskins, I think that my mind would implode and I'd stand in place until someone rescued me.  Hopefully someone with ice cream...or Papa John's.

The jig is up.  You don't love the Redskins; in fact, I think that your friendship with Jerry Jones proves that you're probably working against the Redskins from within.  After all, who cares if you lose every season if the fans keep coming back game after game and paying $8 for a Bud Light?  You suck.

Go Redskins!  Beat Dallas!

Karen

*I'm lying.  They did not do this.

Redskin Letters Is YouTubing It

Dear Redskin Fans,

Today's a big day, folks.  Redskins Brother and I attempted the Redskins conditioning test that Albert Haynesworth finally passed today.  We had, uh...mixed results.  But the great news is that you all get to see for yourselves.  That's right--Redskin Letters has graduated to video.  Please excuse the major suckage in the video editing because this is my first try at making a movie since Anti-Redskins Best Friend and I created "Grammar in the City" back in college.  Also, please excuse the major suckage in the content of the video.  Um, spoiler alert?





So there you have it.  Albert Haynesworth is better at passing a conditioning test than Redskins Brother and I.  I'm appropriately ashamed of myself.

But does Haynesworth know how to write a letter?  Or make a YouTube video?  Yeah, I didn't think so.

Love,

Karen

My Children Are Going to be Winners

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency.  Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict:  so far, not really.  But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year.  But cheer up!  I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies.  I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas.  NEVER THERE).  But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the blogging Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets."  Do you hear that, Redskins fans?  It's a contented sigh coming from all of you.  Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens.  This is like being demoted twice in a row.  In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back.  He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach.  I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach.  Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch.  This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day.  What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet.  We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM.  Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life.  Don't screw up, Bruce.  We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc.  Thank God that Randle El is gone.  I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams.  That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team.  Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that.  He didn't.  So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas.  I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts!  The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie!  And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!).  Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back.  It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps!  Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother.  He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver.  When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside.  Yeah, that's right, everyone!  Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself!  And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME!  ME!  Muahhahhahahah!  Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place!  Thanks, Redskins Brother!  And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world!  Sometimes I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it.  I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish.  It might teach me some responsibility.  If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins?  Well, it isn't.  Unless I name it after one of them.  Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn.  Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him.  Or Salmonta Moss?  Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?!  Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh.  We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say?  This is the end of a long, hard road for me.  For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings.  A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired.  I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this?  Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season.  I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song.  So here goes.  Ahem.

Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!

We'll see him suck no more!

Zorn finally did something right;

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!

Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but

Instead he made us sick

Instead he made us sick

Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season

We might have stood a chance!

And my blog would've been more kind!

We could have beat the Cowboys

We could have beat the Saints

And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome

Since Redskin Brother's text!

And all that's left to wonder is

Who'll be fired next?

Who'll be fired next?

I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham.  I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker.  Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,

Karen

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

I'm Back And Ready to Attack!

Dear Redskin Letters Fan(s),

I apologize for neglecting my correspondence to the Redskins in the past few months, but two of my bosses are Cowboys fans and they’ve had me working crazy overtime AND they blocked blogger functions so that I couldn’t update from work. It’s like they don’t even understand why I got a job with internet access.

Anyhoo, I’m back just in time for training camp! Before I start castigating Jim Zorn and squeeing over Chris Cooley, though, I think that we need to review what I think about everything happening in the NFL.

• Michael Vick’s been reinstated on a trial basis. I thought that he already had a trial and was convicted on charges of animal abuse, but what do I know? I don’t even like animals that much. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up with the Cowboys and the rest of their criminals.
• Speaking of the Cowboys, Tony “I Can’t Win a Playoff Game” Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson and then posted signs at his house saying that she’s not allowed in. That’s way harsh, Tony. I wonder if holding up pictures of Jessica will still cause him to lose games. I hope so. In fact, I think that Dan Snyder should invite her to Washington when Dallas comes to town, to celebrate that she no longer has to pretend to like the Cowboys. For funsies, she could also sing the National Anthem if she can remember the words and put on a half-time show with songs from her failed country album. Jessica, I liked that one song of yours that got on the radio. Not enough to buy it, though. Sorry.
• By the way, Tony? When people care more about who you’re dating than how you’re playing? Doesn’t bode well. Also, I hate you.
• Hey Steve McNair! Wanna know the best way to not get killed by your girlfriend? Don’t cheat on your wife. (Hmm. Maybe I should have mentioned that to him a couple months ago. Oh well. Too late now.)
• I had to change my text message alert ringtone away from “Hail to the Redskins” because sometimes I get annoyed by text messages and I cannot associate “annoyance” and “the Redskins” together. I still had it on when Redskins Brother texted me a picture of Saint Joe Gibbs and that was awesome. Also, Redskins Brother and I are no longer speaking because he didn’t help ME meet Coach Joe. Redskins Brother = big jerk who wore my leotard once when we were kids. Yeah, I said it on your Facebook wall and now I’m saying it for the rest of the world to read.
• Brett Favre retired again, guys. For real this time. Maybe. Pretty soon he’s not going to be hot enough for me to pretend to care about him.
• Tom Brady’s back with the Patriots. Perhaps playing football will be a nice change from knocking up chicks.
• Assorted comments from rejected applicants; may they feel some shame for their lame attempts to woo me:

1. “If you choose me, I will make you see God.” I gotta say that being told that you want to kill me is kind of a turn off. I have forwarded this to the authorities several times and will continue to do so until they take the death threat seriously. I don’t want to see God until I’m really old, like 45.
2. "Because I am better looking than Dan Snyder.” First, you gave no photographic evidence to support this claim; second, you did not use complete sentences. If you can’t follow such a simple direction, how do I know that you’re going to serve me a Bloody Mary exactly how I like it? I refuse to take such a risk.
3. “I love the Redskins as much as you do…or maybe even more.” LIAR! Screw you AND your dirty lies.
4. "Here’s why you should like the Cowboys….” Yeah. I didn’t even bother finishing this one. Clearly you ignored some of the big “Rejected!” pictures, so you must be an idiot or you think that you are above filling out the application correctly. Let me tell you something, Cowboys fan, NO ONE IS ABOVE FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION CORRECTLY. Also, you suck.

I’m considering getting Twitter just so that you all can know my feelings about the Redskins’ performance during real-time once the season starts. Is anyone interested in that?

Peace out homies (don’t worry, I’m getting tan enough this summer that I can say that),

Karen

There Are Plenty of Lousy Kickers for You to Choose From

Dear Jim Zorn,

Rant. That is the answer to your question, "Am I going to get a rant or a rave today?" You are definitely getting a rant, but you should have expected this.

What the heck were you thinking? I was irritated to learn that the Redskins re-signed Shaun Suisham because it shows me that you want to lose by a field goal or two in each game this season. Awesome.

Here are things that we can look forward to with Shaun Suisham as our kicker:

1. Another reason to blame Canada for something. Go home, Suisham!!

2. You, Zorn, deciding, "Hey...this guy can't kick worth a damn, but why not let him try this 56-yarder? I know that he's in 35th place for field goals made (and that means that three teams have TWO kickers better than him), but I think we can do better. Last place or die trying! LOL!" Yes. I imagine that you use textspeak in casual conversation, tool.

3. Me throwing things at the TV every time we miss a field goal...I will bankrupt myself buying new TVs and then stalk you at Redskins Park until you reimburse me...because clearly it will be all your fault.

4. More rants from me. So. Maybe there IS a silver lining. Who doesn't love a good Karen!Rant? (I should probably copyright that before everyone wants to do their own Karen!Rants).

5. Me encouraging Redskins Brother to get a Suisham jersey like he threatened last season, thereby ensuring that Suisham will get injured or traded. Go ahead, Redskins Brother. Do your worst!

Seriously, Jim Zorn, there are PLENTY of lousy kickers out there for you to choose from. Can't you just get someone who doesn't suck quite as hard?

Starting the alliterative "Sign-up to Stop Shaun Suisham" petition,

Karen

I Really Wanted You on My Now Defunct Fantasy Team

Dear Clinton Portis,

By now I think that you know that you're my favorite player; I wear your jersey every gameday and I really wanted you on my now defunct fantasy football team (never play in a league with 18 freaking teams...no one has good players. Thanks a lot, stupid Redskins Brother). Sometimes I cringe, though, when I read your comments, like just the other day when you trashed Jim Zorn on the radio.

I think you're also aware that Jim Zorn isn't my favorite Redskins coach ever (this coveted title goes to Saint Joe Gibbs), BUT he's still your coach and your boss. Okay, maybe not your boss. Dan Snyder will keep you around longer than he'll keep Zornyboy, after all (I still say that he's waiting to snatch Bill Cowher from CBS). Regardless, you can't sarcastically tell Washington, D.C. that Zorn is a "genius". That's kind of a jerk move no matter how stupid his plays are to you (and the rest of us). I'm glad that you guys kissed and made up yesterday, but I want you to be on your best behavior for the rest of the season so that I don't see you on the bench again. Do you know how it felt, seeing you sitting there, wondering if you were perhaps injured and the coaches just weren't telling us? It felt horrible. I even thought of crying...though that was mostly after we lost and I was mad because I'd rooted for the dumb old Lame-triots for Patriots Boyfriend earlier that day and they'd won, but when Patriots Boyfriend rooted for the Redskins, we still lost. Clearly, my rooting is better than his...for other teams...crap, that's not helpful.

Anway, please play nice with the coach and please beat the Bengals on Sunday. Redskins Hater says that you guys are going to lose; I hope that Redskins Hater isn't in another car accident like he was after the last time he talked trash. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen