You really had me fooled. I knew that you were a jerk and bad at being an owner, but I thought that all of your missteps and attempts to stuff cash into the holes of a sinking ship were done out of blind love of the Washington Redskins. "Of course I hate him," I'd say in confidential tones to friends, family, and strangers on the Metro, "and of course I'd rather have anyone else as an owner, but at least he loves the team. It's a lot like the love of a toddler for a pet that he will squeeze until its eyes bug out or it dies, but it's still love."
Love? I scoff at the word. An owner who loved his team would not pal around with the enemy. That's right, we know that you and Dallas Cowboys' owner, Jerry Jones, are BFFs 4 lyfe. I bet that you even have a photo of the two of you in a frame on your desk that says it. I can excuse the Papa John's commercial, mostly because of my great love for Papa John's pizza (seriously, Papa John, if you read this I'll trade my first born child for a lifetime supply of your pizza...or even a months' supply), but you couldn't just keep it to friendly, tongue-in-cheek commercials with the Redskins' arch-nemesis, could you? It's a rhetorical question, but I'll go ahead and answer it for you just in case you're a bit slow--NOPE, you couldn't just keep it there.
When I stopped by Redskins Parents' house this morning to eat Redskin Brother's stale popcorn and help rid Redskins Dad of a Corona Light (okay, it was more like 1:30pm, but that's still morning for me on the weekends), I felt figuratively warm all over because the family was watching football together already. I had no warning of the upset that I would soon receive. As everyone complained that I hadn't written any letters recently and they were surely going to start a hunger strike soon in hopes that I would bless them with something new*, I said that I was looking for inspiration. I picked up the Washington Post in hopes of finding something that would inspire me, but all I saw was Donovan McNabb's advertisement for Capital One. He was supposed to look confused because he's new in town, but I think that he was confused because he was in an ad without Campbell's Chunky Soup in his hands or his mommy by his side. (Is she going to lace up your sneakers tonight, too, Donovan?).
Anyway, I lacked inspiration and Redskins Brother gave it to me when he told me about THIS interview:
That's right, Danny boy, you can't hide from the truth: your family vacations with Jerry Jones' family. This is like Harry Potter and Voldemort hanging out and laughing about how they try to kill each other five months out of the year, but during the off-season they like to go to Boca and argue good-naturedly about whose turn it is to serve the mimosas. Actually, that's probably an unfair comparison because Harry Potter has some good qualities and actually has some reasons to be an angsty teen whereas you are far too old to be a teenager. And I'm waiting on the good qualities.
But seriously, Jerry Jones?! It was bad enough watching you look up at him with that sickening puppy-dog look of adoration on your face during the interview, but hearing Jones blather on about how he's so surprised that the Redskins haven't won a Super Bowl under your reign of terror was like eating one insult after another. Of all the owners in the entire league, you had to choose the only jerk as big as you as a mentor. In fact, if I were faced with the choice of you or him as the owner of the Washington Redskins, I think that my mind would implode and I'd stand in place until someone rescued me. Hopefully someone with ice cream...or Papa John's.
The jig is up. You don't love the Redskins; in fact, I think that your friendship with Jerry Jones proves that you're probably working against the Redskins from within. After all, who cares if you lose every season if the fans keep coming back game after game and paying $8 for a Bud Light? You suck.
Go Redskins! Beat Dallas!
Karen
*I'm lying. They did not do this.
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3 comments:
Now that my beloved Bears have won it in the last two minutes against Detroit, I can now share your sentiments.
I want to see all of these self-righteous out-of-state-and-never-in-state Dallas fans cry after a vicious suck-beating by Washington.
Beer's in the fridge.
Papa John's? Bears Drunk, you and Raiders Girlfriend must save Redskins Letter Goddess from that pizza abyss. Of course, my belly is full of bif & giardinare pizza. As for the Skins', maybe St Joe can get a group together and give that JJ wannabe a billion or so to go away. Then Joe's oldest son, who runs the racing teams can bring the Skins back. On the good side, at least Al Davis doesnt own the Skins.
@Bears Drunk,
You were right! Beer was in my fridge! Soon there won't be any, though, and I'll be sad. Unless the 'Skins win. Looking forward to the Dallas Crybabies...you know...crying.
@Beer's Beefologist,
"Redskins Letter Goddess?" I think I know what phrase is going in my obituary one day! Speaking of death, isn't Al Davis knocking on that door? This would make him far preferable to Snyder and Jones who have many years ahead of them. God willing. I don't want them to die just stop existing in my life.
Thanks for reading, guys!!
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