26 November 2008

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!



Mike Stanton said...

Kickers are the heart and soul of the team well for like 5 plays a game, but them not the quarterbacks can make the outcome a win or loss for their spescified team. Sean Suisham is a good player who by the way is on his seconds holder on the season after Durant(I can't punt 40 yards) Brooks was let go and replaced by Ryan Pleckamier. Also have you ever kicked a football in cold. When it is cold like anything out and other various weather conditions if feels like kicking a bowling ball, and that added with the air pressure in winter time makes it tougher to get, and if its windy you need to judge the air and wind valocity just right. Sean Suisham is a good man, and think the Cowboys cut him, so as a Redskin he is able to show them week in and week out that they made a mistake in cutting him, and now as the Redskins kicker he can take care of buisness starting with the Giants on Sunday.

Karen said...

Sounds like someone was a third-string kicker in high school football, but believed the coach who told him that he was a valuable member of the team.