18 November 2008

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?"

Dear Jason Campbell,

We have a problem. I could say that the problem is you, but it's not. You're doing okay. Just okay, though; don't go getting cocky. Redskins Dad blames you, but he's a Hater. Here's what he has to (um, wrongly) say:

1. On third downs, you need to stop throwing the ball to people who are several yards away from the first down line. Even when they catch the ball, they're tackled before they can get there. Now I love an exciting fourth-and-one situation as much as the next Redskin SuperFan (except...I'm the only one! At least I'm the only one clever enough to get a gmail account advertising it), but I don't enjoy being in the position where we have to decide to go for it or punt.

2. You shouldn't be quarterback. This is why Redskins Dad is a hater and why I'm totally going to stop speaking to him after I get all my Christmas gifts...or maybe I'll wait until after my birthday (April 8th! Buy me a drink!). Jason, I think that you can be a terrific quarterback. Maybe you'll never be Brett Favre or John Elway, but you'll also never be Ryan Leaf or Matt Cassell (take THAT, Patriots Boyfriend!).

Anyway, I told Redskins Dad that it's not your fault if your coach calls lousy plays. You're welcome.

Until you get a few more wins, though, you're going to have to deal with Haters. I work with a guy who calls himself a Redskin fan...but he's really a Hater. Week after week he gets to go to the games for free (yes, I'm bitter!) and comes into work on Monday (or Tuesday) with more complaints! It's always, "I'm disappointed" or "They suck" or "I'm gay." Yep. One's sexuality is determined by how much he or she roots for the Redskins. This is what brought on the whole "Homo for Romo" phenomenon in Dallas.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?" you might ask. Well, I'm GLAD you asked.

1. A Hater claims to love the Redskins, but bashes them at every opportunity. If you say "Good morning!" a Hater replies, "I'm not rooting for the Redskins anymore."

2. When you stick up for your team because you actually know what true loyalty is, Haters will snarkily tell you to stop kidding yourself. They will also claim that "snark" isn't a word. If you offer to get a dictionary, they won't let you because they know that you are right (especially when you're a freaking editor)!

3. A Hater won't admit that the Redskins did anything well. When you point out that interception by DeAngelo Hall and how great it was, the Hater will refuse to give him any credit. A Hater will reply that if Hall caught more interceptions, maybe the Redskins wouldn't have lost (...sometimes it's difficult to argue with facts like that, but Haters still suck for their disloyalty).

4. A Hater will complain that they got "nothing" from sitting out for several hours in the cold while at the game (seriously...they will...Redskins Hater just came up and said it after reading over my shoulder). You know what, though? There are tons of LOYAL fans that would LOVE to get FREE tickets to Redskin games and would never complain about sitting in the cold, supporting the team that they adore.

There you have it, Jason Campbell. That's what a Hater is. How can you avoid a Hater? Well, don't come to my office and don't go to my parents' house. But you can come to my apartment in Ashburn after practice anytime you like. I'll give you beer and homemade party mix and I promise not to burn it. Invite any of the rest of the guys, too. There's room for you all if no more than thirteen of you want to sit down.



1 comment:

Mike Stanton said...

lol Homo for Romo, just so happens Dallas plays San Fransisco sunday. Also Redskins Dad is the same guy that thinks the Redskins should start Colt Brennan. But there are def haters out there on Campbell, but hopefully Redskins will turn it around against the 2-8 Seahawks on Sunday.