09 December 2009

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say?  This is the end of a long, hard road for me.  For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings.  A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired.  I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this?  Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season.  I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song.  So here goes.  Ahem.
Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!
We'll see him suck no more!
Zorn finally did something right;
And Suisham won't miss a goal
And Suisham won't miss a goal
And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!
Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but
Instead he made us sick
Instead he made us sick
Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season
We might have stood a chance!
And my blog would've been more kind!
We could have beat the Cowboys
We could have beat the Saints
And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome
Since Redskin Brother's text!
And all that's left to wonder is
Who'll be fired next?
Who'll be fired next?
I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham.  I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker.  Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,



Larry Horse said...

Could you please make a form letter too, like:
Mr/Ms (fill name here...Blache, Zorn, etc), I'm sorry to tell you that the (name of organization, Skins...Bears...Norte Dame, etc) no longer require your services, but dont fret, this(name of organzation) is interested in you.* Thank you and Good Luck, please hand in your playbook(if it has some good plays)and any per diem you may still have.

*Attention players, there may not be a job available to you. Kickers and Punters, I would hold on to those Frequent Flyer Miles, inevitably some team will call no matter what your age may be.

Brian Melchers said...

Perhaps you are being too tough on Suisham? He didn't miss a field goal for the first ten weeks. I think that at the time that was better than any other NFL kicker. It wasn't just his missed kick that lost the Saints game. Should we fire the player who fumbled the ball and set up the last scoring drive for the Saints? We have a fickle owner who fires players and coaches when they make mistakes. It does nothing to build a team.

Karen said...

No, I admit that he's not a terrible field goal kicker, though he does seem to choke under pressure. No, my problem with him is that he's the second-to-last ranked kickoff kicker in the league. Field goals were not the only thing that he was hired to do.