You Aren't Worth One to 2,000 Pennies More

Dear Chris Cooley,

 

I was disappointed when I heard that you were cut from the Redskins in the pre-season, but I got over it pretty quickly.  No one wants to see fan favorites go, but watching Sir Robert Griffin the Third and Fred Davis together made everyone forget who you were until poor Davis got hurt.  Instantly, Washington was like, "Where's old Whatshisface?  Cooley! Cooley!  COOOOOOOOOLEY!"  I started Googling you and found a quote about how you thought that the Redskins might re-sign you if something happened to Davis: “If Fred gets hurt or something like that, I think I’d be the guy they sign. I think that.”  I read on to see if you qualified that statement with a "Hopefully he stays fine!" or a "not that I want that to happen," but you didn't.  Kinda mean, Chris.  It makes me feel like you spent the first month of the season watching the games, clutching your little Fred Davis voodoo doll and waiting for the opportune moment to tear his Achilles' tendon and get your position back.  SHADY.

 

Redskins fans love making mascots out of favorite players, though, so everyone was happy to have you back, but you haven't really done anything.  I feel like I got excited for nothing and that's disappointing.  I felt a little better today when I read that you wanted a case of beer after every game to be added to your contract this time around.  That's incredibly stupid.  I'm not even going to roll my eyes at Danny Snyder for not letting it slide when someone could easily sue him and the Redskins organization when you inevitably realize that your career is over, drink all of one of those said cases, get in your much too expensive car and mow down a bunch of fans because why should they live when you can no longer be a gridiron hero?  Also, it's funny that the Redskins were desperate for a tight end but still didn't add, "And $20 for Mr. Cooley to buy a case of some shitty ass Miller Light," to your contract.  You are worth exactly what they are paying you and not one to 2,000 pennies more.

 

Now that Flying Dog is going to supply you with some of their beer, here's who you should share some of it with:

 

Sir Robert Griffin the Third: If I have to tell you why this guy deserves beer, love songs, and papal blessings, you must be comatose in a room that isn't within ten miles of a TV or a radio.  There is no excuse for anyone who doesn't sing this guy's accolades every day.

 

AMMO!  Alfred Morris, affectionately called "Ammo" in my house (Redskins Friend/Housemate coined it) reminds me of Clinton Portis on the field back when he was young and not accident-prone, but this guy doesn't have an ego!  It's amazing!  His car is even shittier than mine!  Give that guy a beer.

 

Santana Moss.  Did you SEE that catch on Sunday?  Just...wow.

 

Kai Forbath, the kicker.  I know, I know.  I hate kickers, but he hasn't screwed up yet.  Give him half a beer because he's not great at kick returns--maybe the incentive of some frothy goodness will give him the motivation that he needs.

 

Phristopher Polumbus--this guy has an awesome name.  Every time that I see the back of his jersey, I laugh at him.  And every time that he gets a false start penalty called on him because he's an idiot, I get to say, "PHRISTOPHER!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"  Say it aloud.  Once you do, you'll forget forever that his real first name is...um...ah...starts with a T?  Oh, forget it.  He should just get his name legally changed.  (Side note: the more that we call him "Phristopher" the more that it sounds like a real name to us.  Redskins Fiance is pulling for us to name a futue child Phristopher, but his last name isn't Polumbus or Pooley, so I will have to veto that.)

 

In the future, if I hear that you're actually on the field for a play, I want to hear that you do something spectacular and noteworthy--especially now that you're getting your beer.

 

Happy Thanksgiving and Good Luck on Thursday,

 

Karen

What, What, What Are You Doing?

Dear Mike Shanahan,

What are you doing?  What, what, what are you doing?  I've decided that you are the one to blame for what is now the Redskins' biggest problem because you're head coach.  For years, the biggest problem has been not converting on third downs, but I hereby proclaim that this is no longer true because NO ONE CAN FREAKING CATCH A FOOTBALL.

First, Carlos Rogers couldn't catch, but no one really expected him to suddenly start doing his job, so this wasn't enough to elevate the issue to Threat Level Orange.  But then it wasn't just him.  Everyone started missing catches and dropping balls until I had to seriously consider the possibility that all the players' bodies have been inhabited by football-repelling aliens.  I'm still deliberating.

At least the offense used to be able to catch, but Donovan McNabb insists on throwing a few balls towards Joey Galloway whose motto should be, "Don't throw the ball to me; I'm not even supposed to be here!" because he's not supposed to be there.  He should be sitting at home, watching the game on TV beneath a crocheted blanket, muttering to anyone who walks through the room that he could play better than "those young whippersnappers."  Because he's old.  Did you all catch that?

Anyway, Mike Shanahan, please fix this.  Immediately.  Santana Moss isn't sucking completely, so maybe get McNabb to keep throwing his way.  After this game, please work on catching drills--and I don't mean drills where the players practice catching the football.  I want them to literally have to catch power drills and the like (chainsaws, hammers, wrenches, and ballistic missiles are also acceptable).  They're never going to get better if you baby them.

Now I'm going to go back to watching the game.  You may resume coaching.  If you can call it that.

Love Kinda like,

Karen

My Children Are Going to be Winners

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency.  Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict:  so far, not really.  But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year.  But cheer up!  I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies.  I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas.  NEVER THERE).  But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the blogging Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets."  Do you hear that, Redskins fans?  It's a contented sigh coming from all of you.  Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens.  This is like being demoted twice in a row.  In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back.  He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach.  I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach.  Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch.  This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day.  What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet.  We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM.  Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life.  Don't screw up, Bruce.  We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc.  Thank God that Randle El is gone.  I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams.  That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team.  Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that.  He didn't.  So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas.  I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts!  The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie!  And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!).  Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back.  It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps!  Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother.  He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver.  When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside.  Yeah, that's right, everyone!  Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself!  And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME!  ME!  Muahhahhahahah!  Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place!  Thanks, Redskins Brother!  And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world!  Sometimes I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it.  I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish.  It might teach me some responsibility.  If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins?  Well, it isn't.  Unless I name it after one of them.  Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn.  Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him.  Or Salmonta Moss?  Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?!  Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh.  We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's

Dear Jim Zorn,

Surprise!  I’m writing to you again.  Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing?  You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear.   Burgundy has never looked so average.

While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual.  In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins.  Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).

Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:

Punt Return Average (29th/32):  I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner.  I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches.  On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player.  While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us.  And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.

Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32):  Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball.  This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general.  If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey.  I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me.  Can’t throw, people will sack me.”  All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position.  After his tenure here, I don’t blame him.  I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.

Interception Rate (29th/32):  This one is on the defense, of course.  It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against.  Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league.  But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down?  Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).

Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings.  I want some pizza, dude.

Third Down Percentage (28th/32):  We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time.  This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week.  I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE.  Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that.  I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it.  He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line.  Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.

Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long.  I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.

Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,

Karen

An 80-Yard Baby Bomb

Dear Jason Campbell,

By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you:  I think that you’re super.  You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with.  I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.

But it might be time to face facts:  you’re kind of not great at your job.  Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching.  Probably both.  I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays.  Was that true?  If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?

Sorry.  You probably can’t answer that.  Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes.  Like holding onto the ball.  Here are some suggestions:

1.    The oldest trick in the book:  glue your hands/gloves to the ball.

2.    Nail/staple your hands to the ball.  It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.

3.    Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop.  Like a baby.  You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason?  This seems like the best plan ever.  It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities.  Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.

Jason, I’m telling you as a stalker friend, that your days are numbered.  Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you.  Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan.  Please start playing better.  I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.

Love,

Karen

"They're Big, Bad, and They're Mean!"

Dear Santana Moss,

Please come out and play tonight! We need you! I hear that you're "questionable" and my question is how can you do this to us?! I know that you got hurt last Sunday and I understand the importance of getting better, blah blah blah, but you have thirteen whole days to get better after this game! That's tons of time! So what if you get a tiny bit banged up tonight? Won't it be worth it to beat the Steelers?

Come on. I know that you have it in you to be awesome tonight. Don't you want to do another 80-yard punt return for a touchdown? Of course you do! So get out there and get it done. I won't take no for an answer.

Oh, and if you DON'T play and we LOSE? You're in trouble. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

P.S. Check out this page and click on the Redskins version of the song to get you in game mode: http://www.thelosttrailers.net/football/?account_id=220380 The band is from Alexandria, so no matter how many versions there are, the Redskins one is the REAL one. I'm almost 100% sure. And I will fight anyone who says differently...or get Patriots Boyfriend to do it. He likes to hit. :-(

Thanks for Listening!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm sorry. We came close to losing yesterday and it's my fault: I didn't wear my jersey or my lucky jeans.

Come to think of it, this is Patriots Boyfriend's fault. He ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I had to go with him, making me unable to wear my lucky jeans. Anyway, because he actually finished the race (03:48:53!!!!!) we knew that we couldn't get to Ashburn by game time, so we went to a bar in Rosslyn instead. Anyway, Patriots Boyfriend is apparently great at running marathons and I'd suggest that you hire him except that as a Patriots fan, he is clearly untrustworthy. This is why there is a combination lock on my fridge; if he wants milk, he has to buy the cow first.

Since we won, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. Also, Redskins Dad told me that I'm being too mean. I told him that he's worthless and a horrible father and doesn't know what he's talking about. (Me? Mean?! Bah!) Then I decided that if you listened to anything I say ever, I could tone down the snark.

And you did! In a letter to former (yay!) punter Durant Brooks, I said not to let Antwaan Randle-El do punt returns because he's bad at it. You MUST remember because you listened to me (even though you shouldn't be reading another person's mail--no matter how bad a player he was). Thanks for putting Moss in because Santana Claus brought us an awesome gift with that 80-yard punt return.

Anyhoo, please beat the Steelers on Monday night. Or you'll be hearing from me.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. Check out my awesome new header! My work buddy, JR, created it for me! Thanks, JR!

Leave it to the Gecko

Dear Jason Campbell,

Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.

Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.

NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:

1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.

2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.

3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!

Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.

Love,

Karen

P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys/Losers

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow. I'm so happy. Yesterday afternoon I put on my Clinton Portis jersey and my lucky jeans and was ready for the game. Patriots Boyfriend was over to watch because the Pats didn't play this week (Patriots Boyfriend was glad because this meant that they couldn't lose!). I burned some party mix and sat down to enjoy the game.

Here are the things that I liked:

1. That you put Chris Horton in (I accidentally typed "Christ" instead of "Chris" at first...Freudian slip??) and he got that interception. Thanks for not relying solely on Reed Doughty (weird...I just googled him to check the spelling of his name, and the search term "reed doughty jersey" came up. Who on earth would want one of those? Maybe his mom).

2. Santana Moss got the ball a lot. I told my buddy at work to look for Moss to be awesome during this game and I was right, so thanks for that.

3. Jason Campbell isn't turning the ball over! Hasn't this whole season! Yay!

4. That you show emotion on the field. It gives me something more to look at than just your tan. Your AWESOME tan. (Patriots Boyfriend: "How does Jim Zorn get so tan?" Me: "Um. He's outside a lot." Patriots Boyfriend: "It's not THAT sunny out." Me: Yes, it is! Go back to Connecticut and freeze to death!")

Here are the things that I didn't like:

1. Casey freaking Rabach. Penalties on TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! This wasn't YOUR fault, but I'm still mad.

2. What the hell was with trying not to lose in the fourth quarter rather than trying to WIN? Always go for the touchdown rather than the field goal.

3. Your dumb "Hip, hip, hooray" cheer in the locker room after winning. You couldn't do better than that?

4. You still don't seem to have the requisite hatred toward the Cowboys yet. Get on that!

Anyway, I'm going to start being a little kinder to you now that we're #2 in the NFC East and we beat the Cowboys in Texas. Please keep up the good work.

Thanks!

Karen

You Need a New Kicker

Dear Jim Zorn,

You need a new kicker. I have a very good reason for this and it's not because Shaun Suisham is Canadian. It's not even because he missed TWO field goals yesterday. No, it's for a much more sinister reason than that, but you won't believe me until something bad happens.

My brother thinks that he's a Super Fan, too, but he's not. Whenever he gets a jersey of a Redskin, that player starts sucking big time, and leaves the 'Skins due to trading or injury. He does not have a single current jersey because of this, even though he owns over ten. You'd think he'd learn his lesson and accept that he's jinxed, but he's not terribly bright so he keeps it up. Case in point, this weekend he asks me, "Karen, do you mind if I get a Shaun Suisham jersey?"

I flipped out on him and let him know in no uncertain terms that I mind a lot. He never listens to me, though, so he'll probably get one soon. I'll let you know as soon as that happens so that you can bench Suisham, but for now be on the lookout for a new guy.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. I loved Jason Campbell's 67-yard bomb to Santana Moss. It made me squeal. Maybe you don't suck after all.