What, What, What Are You Doing?

Dear Mike Shanahan,

What are you doing?  What, what, what are you doing?  I've decided that you are the one to blame for what is now the Redskins' biggest problem because you're head coach.  For years, the biggest problem has been not converting on third downs, but I hereby proclaim that this is no longer true because NO ONE CAN FREAKING CATCH A FOOTBALL.

First, Carlos Rogers couldn't catch, but no one really expected him to suddenly start doing his job, so this wasn't enough to elevate the issue to Threat Level Orange.  But then it wasn't just him.  Everyone started missing catches and dropping balls until I had to seriously consider the possibility that all the players' bodies have been inhabited by football-repelling aliens.  I'm still deliberating.

At least the offense used to be able to catch, but Donovan McNabb insists on throwing a few balls towards Joey Galloway whose motto should be, "Don't throw the ball to me; I'm not even supposed to be here!" because he's not supposed to be there.  He should be sitting at home, watching the game on TV beneath a crocheted blanket, muttering to anyone who walks through the room that he could play better than "those young whippersnappers."  Because he's old.  Did you all catch that?

Anyway, Mike Shanahan, please fix this.  Immediately.  Santana Moss isn't sucking completely, so maybe get McNabb to keep throwing his way.  After this game, please work on catching drills--and I don't mean drills where the players practice catching the football.  I want them to literally have to catch power drills and the like (chainsaws, hammers, wrenches, and ballistic missiles are also acceptable).  They're never going to get better if you baby them.

Now I'm going to go back to watching the game.  You may resume coaching.  If you can call it that.

Love Kinda like,

Karen

Play Like You're Actually Good at Your Job

Dear Carlos Rogers,

I'm not going to blame our loss to the Giants on you (that's what we have kickers and coaches for), but I feel that I must reprimand you for something. Do you remember Eli Manning throwing the football right to Shawn Springs? You might have missed that as you dove right in front of Shawn and made sure that neither of you got the ball. So, um, why'd you go and do that? First, isn't it kind of a jerk move to steal a play from your teammate? Second, if you're going to steal an interception from your teammate, shouldn't you at least GET THE FREAKING INTERCEPTION?

Also, there was another play where you missed a tackle. Way to go. You know who else missed a tackle once? Leigh Torrence. Think about it.

As you get ready to play the Ravens on Sunday night, please remember to play like you're actually good at your job. Obviously I always want / need the Redskins to win, but this game is especially important because Patriots Boyfriend has been complaining constantly that he needs the Ravens to lose to help out the Gaytriots and says that he'll stop rooting for the Redskins if they don't win. It's cute that he believes that I care about his team's playoff chances or, you know, what he thinks because I don't, but I DO care if he's complaining all the time. It's annoying!

Please Win!

Karen