My Children Are Going to be Winners

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency.  Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict:  so far, not really.  But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year.  But cheer up!  I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies.  I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas.  NEVER THERE).  But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the blogging Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets."  Do you hear that, Redskins fans?  It's a contented sigh coming from all of you.  Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens.  This is like being demoted twice in a row.  In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back.  He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach.  I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach.  Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch.  This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day.  What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet.  We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM.  Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life.  Don't screw up, Bruce.  We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc.  Thank God that Randle El is gone.  I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams.  That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team.  Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that.  He didn't.  So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas.  I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts!  The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie!  And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!).  Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back.  It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps!  Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother.  He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver.  When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside.  Yeah, that's right, everyone!  Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself!  And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME!  ME!  Muahhahhahahah!  Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place!  Thanks, Redskins Brother!  And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world!  Sometimes I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it.  I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish.  It might teach me some responsibility.  If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins?  Well, it isn't.  Unless I name it after one of them.  Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn.  Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him.  Or Salmonta Moss?  Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?!  Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh.  We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's

Dear Jim Zorn,

Surprise!  I’m writing to you again.  Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing?  You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear.   Burgundy has never looked so average.

While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual.  In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins.  Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).

Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:

Punt Return Average (29th/32):  I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner.  I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches.  On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player.  While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us.  And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.

Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32):  Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball.  This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general.  If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey.  I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me.  Can’t throw, people will sack me.”  All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position.  After his tenure here, I don’t blame him.  I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.

Interception Rate (29th/32):  This one is on the defense, of course.  It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against.  Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league.  But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down?  Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).

Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings.  I want some pizza, dude.

Third Down Percentage (28th/32):  We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time.  This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week.  I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE.  Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that.  I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it.  He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line.  Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.

Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long.  I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.

Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,

Karen

Thanks for Listening!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm sorry. We came close to losing yesterday and it's my fault: I didn't wear my jersey or my lucky jeans.

Come to think of it, this is Patriots Boyfriend's fault. He ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I had to go with him, making me unable to wear my lucky jeans. Anyway, because he actually finished the race (03:48:53!!!!!) we knew that we couldn't get to Ashburn by game time, so we went to a bar in Rosslyn instead. Anyway, Patriots Boyfriend is apparently great at running marathons and I'd suggest that you hire him except that as a Patriots fan, he is clearly untrustworthy. This is why there is a combination lock on my fridge; if he wants milk, he has to buy the cow first.

Since we won, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. Also, Redskins Dad told me that I'm being too mean. I told him that he's worthless and a horrible father and doesn't know what he's talking about. (Me? Mean?! Bah!) Then I decided that if you listened to anything I say ever, I could tone down the snark.

And you did! In a letter to former (yay!) punter Durant Brooks, I said not to let Antwaan Randle-El do punt returns because he's bad at it. You MUST remember because you listened to me (even though you shouldn't be reading another person's mail--no matter how bad a player he was). Thanks for putting Moss in because Santana Claus brought us an awesome gift with that 80-yard punt return.

Anyhoo, please beat the Steelers on Monday night. Or you'll be hearing from me.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. Check out my awesome new header! My work buddy, JR, created it for me! Thanks, JR!

Why Haven't You Left Yet?

Dear Durant Brooks,

I'd hoped that this would be a farewell letter, but apparently you're still on the team. I think that all of Washington, D.C. is surprised by that! Yeah, yeah, I heard something about you needing an MRI and there is something wrong with your hamstring or your leg or something else that I don't care very much about.

Look, man: you kinda suck. I mean, you're the worst punter in the NFL. That's something, right? I mean, if there was an award for lousiest first-string punter in the NFL you'd win! Hands down! So one could argue that you are, in fact, a winner, not a loser.

Not me, though. Sure, there were tons of problems that the Redskins need to fix, but you are by far the biggest problem. We gave the Rams great field position nearly everytime and we need someone who can execute. The only thing that you executed was our chance at winning.

Here is my suggestion for who should replace you: Chris Horton. I know that he's a safety, but I feel sure that he'll be better than you. Second choice: Antwaan Randle El. The only thing he's not good at is punt returning; otherwise he can catch and throw the ball. Maybe Horton could take over for the punt returning...he can do it all!

So long,

Karen

P.S. What's with the name? I figured that you were Canadian and that would explain something like "Durant", but you were born in Georgia. What gives?