I Guess That I Should Thank You

Dear Billy Cundiff,

Hi.  We haven't met yet, but I'm certain that you've heard of me because my letters strike fear into the hearts of many a player.  Especially kickers.  I think that you've heard of kickers, right?  I feel like I have to ask because today's game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers leads me to believe that you don't know what that position entails.  Let me spell it out for you:

KICKERS ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE FIELD GOALS.  You might be confused because you were signed by the Washington Redskins and we all know their history of kickers. I still can't hear the name Shaun Suisham without immediately needing to take a scalding hot shower where I might sometimes sit and cry until the water grows cold.  Or I might not.  Whatever.

Last week, against the Cincinnati Bengals, I understood when you missed the 62-yard field goal.  Sure, some kickers would have tried extra hard to win the game for their team, but 62 yards is kind of a lot to ask.  So I was disappointed, but didn't hate you.  Yet.  Don't worry, you made it happen today.  I almost wrote a song about how I detest you, but no one wants to hear me sing just the two words, "F**k you" over and over again in different pitches.

"But, Karen, I won the game," you'd probably say if I deigned to speak to you ever.  WHATEVER.  A 25% field goal completion record is pretty dismal.  I could let go of the 57-yarder, but there's really no excuse for missing 41-yard and 31-yard kicks that aren't blocked or touched.  So I asked myself what could have happened in your past to make you so terrible and I found the answer.

You used to be a Cowboy.  Apparently, the powers that be in the Washington Redskins organization did not learn from previous mistakes (Jim Zorn, Deion Sanders, Shaun Suisham, etc.) and ignored the biggest rule in D.C.: never sign former Cowboys to the Redskins.  What kills me a little inside is that you replaced Shuan Suisham in Dallas and then (after he screwed us over in a game against the Cowboys) he replaced YOU.  Someone thought that the scourge of D.C. was better than YOU.  I don't think that Shaun Suisham ever even missed three field goals in one game and he was awful.

In a way, I guess that I should thank you.  Thank you, Billy Cundiff, for proving to me once again that kickers are never to be trusted.  Thank you for outraging me sufficiently enough to write to you and thank you for the nightmares that I'm sure to have about being forced to watch you and Shaun Suisham miss field goals and then jump in the air and high five about it because you're the worst men in the NFL, despite players like an ex-convict, Adam "Pacman" Jones, and Ray Lewis who DID NOT kill a guy.  Allegedly. Ahem.

Oh, and thanks for finally doing your effing job and making a field goal at the end,

Karen

Your Glory Days Are Behind You

Dear Shaun Alexander,

So I'm not too sure why Jim Zorn wanted you on his team. I heard somewhere that you used to be good, but I've seen nothing to indicate that since you arrived. Dan Snyder has a habit of signing guys to the Redskins whose glory days are behind them and I think that's the case here, too. You will follow in the ranks of Deion Sanders (ugh...everytime a Cowboy wears a Redskins jersey a litter of kittens drown) and all the rest. Redskins Hater wants me to include Jason Taylor in this list, but that's too early to be seen--I mean, he's been injured for so much of the season. But that doesn't keep him from dancing. Does it?

Anyhoo, please start playing better. Keep in mind what happened to Durant Brooks and Leigh Torrence....

Ominously yours,

Karen