05 March 2009

Not as Bad as Your Face!

Dear Jason Taylor,

I was shocked and saddened to hear that your wife and three children are all suffering from debilitating illnesses that make it impossible for you to attend 75% of the Redskins off-season workouts or whatever. Wait. Are you telling me that your wife and children are just fine? They simply live in Miami and that’s too far away from DC? Seriously? I Googled how long a flight from DC to Miami takes and came up with two hours and forty-four minutes, so I’m calling shenanigans on this. The time away from your family excuse is no good with me.

Also, your kids are all young. Why can’t you move your family up here for work? Most people do it all the time. Of course, they don’t have private jets at their disposal to help with commuting, if necessary.

What I really want to know is why you’re doing this to me. All last season, I disagreed with Redskins Hater when he’d put you down. “Hey, he’s not so bad!” I’d say. “Definitely not as bad as your face!” Redskins Hater loves it when I talk about his face. And his mom. Regardless, I defended you. I swore up and down that you would be great for the team, just as soon you got healed from your lame-o injury.

I regret spending about five minutes of my time watching a tour of your home in Northern Virginia on one of the local news programs…Fox Five, probs. That is five minutes that I’ll never get back that I could have spent on a true Redskin. I want those minutes back, Jason. I demand repayment!

At least I never watched you on Dancing with the Stars. Suck on that!

Anyway, in case it wasn’t clear, we are no longer pals.

Good riddance!


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