17 December 2008

You're the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl

Dear London Fletcher,

Despite your awesome name and the fact that you're one of the best linebackers in the NFL, you once again are the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl--only she eventually DID win an award for being an evil tramp on a soap opera that I've never watched. You have no such luck. I mean, it's not like you don't have 118 tackles so far this season or a whole host of other reasons why you should be in the Pro Bowl, so I'm pretty bummed on your behalf.

But who wants to go to Hawaii anyway, London Fletcher? Certainly not you! Here is a list to remind you that YOU are better than Hawaii any day of the week and you don't need them:

1. Huge insects. Here on the mainland, we call them "Cowboys," but in Hawaii they're almost as bad. How'd you like to check into the swanky hotel the NFL puts you up in, only to find a centipede the size of a cat in your bed?

2. Volcanos. You never know when one is going to spew hot lava and kill you! Maybe you're meant to be the best (living) player of the 2009-10 season.

3. Hawaii is surrounded by water. When the volcanos erupt, you'll be forced to swim or steal a boat to get away. Since you're an honorable guy and wouldn't steal, you're looking at a long, unpleasant backstroke.

4. Muu-muus. This is what Hawaiians think is high fashion. Do you want to walk around seeing that? Didn't think so.

5. Surfers. The Hawaiian surfers won't talk to you because you're not Hawaiian, and all the other surfers talk like that "Dude! You're getting a Dell!" kid that got arrested for attempting to buy pot. ("Dude! Don't get caught next time!"). Either way, you want to avoid them and their surfboards. People can die from surfing, you know. I'm sure that more people have died from that than from playing linebacker in the NFL. I need a human encyclopedia to look that up for me, though, because I'm far too important to do it myself.

Anyway, London Fletcher, don't feel down that you're not going to Hawaii--CELEBRATE that you're not going there and being hit by surfers wearing muu-muus, taking their boards over waves of hot lava as they try to escape from the gigantic bugs. I know that I will celebrate not going to Hawaii every night before I go to bed by downing another bottle of Jack Daniels in an attempt to keep warm in this horrible weather. Stupid Hawaii.



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