I Hope That Santa Leaves You A Lump Of Coal

Dear Jim Zorn,

I warned you.  I told you that Shaun Suisham was a spy for the Dallas Cowboys, but no one wanted to listen to me.  Do you think that it's a coincidence that Suisham missed not one, but two field goals against the Cowboys and then a measly twenty-nine days later is signed by them?  SERIOUSLY?!!?!?!?!  This is NO coincidence!  This was planned, it was intentional, and it is unacceptable!  When, for God's sake, when are we going to stop signing former Cowboys?  It is never ever a good decision.  And perhaps you didn't sign Suisham to begin with...but you kept him on the team for as long as you did.

I hope that Santa leaves you a lump of coal in your stocking.  If he leaves you nothing at all, you might think that he just forgot you, but if he leaves you coal, you'll know that you're on the Naughty List.

You're already dead to me, but you're going to be worse than dead--zombie food--if Shaun Suisham kicks a field goal to win the game against us when we play Dallas on Sunday.

Enjoy your coal,

Karen

I'm Going To Suggest Seclusion

Dear Vinny,

May I call you Vinny?  Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t really care.  I am ecstatic that you have resigned.  I mean, it’s kind of seriously making my day right now…and my Christmas!  What was the last thing that I put in my “Joy to the World: Shaun Suisham’s Fired” song?  Something like, “I hope that Cerrato is fired next!”  Yeah.  Well, you weren’t fired, but I’m fairly positive that you were given the “resign or I’m firing you” ultimatum from Danny Boy.

You might wonder where you go from here.  I’m going to suggest seclusion where you’ll have time to grow a beard, put in some colored contacts, maybe gain fifty pounds and reinvent yourself.  No one will have to know that you were one of the worst General Managers in Redskins history—nay, football history itself.  You should have been fired or resigned directly after you wasted a draft pick on a punter.  And a terrible punter at that.  Durant Brooks.  I still hate that guy (note:  I realize that I have a weird, but all-consuming contempt for kickers/punters.  I have no idea why this is because I’ve never dated or been supremely wronged by one in my life.  My brother was a high school kicker and even though I still make fun of him for it, I’m unable to identify exactly what makes me do it.  In twenty years I’ll probably end up in therapy uncovering a repressed memory of a professional kicker stealing a lollipop from my three-year old hands).

Because I love to wax poetic, here is an acrostic poem for you (one of the easiest kinds):

Very
Ineffective
Nerdy and
Never going to succeed
You suck

I’m pretty sure that I speak for all of Washington, DC:  hit the road, Vinny, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.

Wondering who to pick on next,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Karen

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say?  This is the end of a long, hard road for me.  For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings.  A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired.  I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this?  Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season.  I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song.  So here goes.  Ahem.

Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!

We'll see him suck no more!

Zorn finally did something right;

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!

Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but

Instead he made us sick

Instead he made us sick

Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season

We might have stood a chance!

And my blog would've been more kind!

We could have beat the Cowboys

We could have beat the Saints

And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome

Since Redskin Brother's text!

And all that's left to wonder is

Who'll be fired next?

Who'll be fired next?

I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham.  I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker.  Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,

Karen

Sucker!

Karen's Note:  This letter was inexplicably sent back to me.  Huh.  Guess Shaun Suisham isn't there anymore.  Muahahahha.  Stay tuned for more developments.

Dear Shaun Suisham,

The reason why I generally don't listen to post-game interviews is because I like to believe that players I dislike show no remorse for their transgressions.  I was disappointed that you took all the blame on yourself for your missed field goal against the Saints because now I'll feel slightly guilty for petitioning to have you fired.  It won't stop me, but it does make me act like a girl by considering your lousy feelings.  I hate when that happens.

I've tried to get you fired.  I've tried to give you pointers.  I've tried to shame you into performing better, but none of it seems to work.  What do you want from me, Shaun?  What can I possibly do for you that will help you to help the Redskins?

You're married, so I can't hook you up with girls with an attraction to sub-par professional kickers.  Your job doesn't require you to write anything more than your signature, so I can't edit your work (and, honestly, if you need an editor for your signature, you have more problems than even I can solve).  I already regale you with fine examples of snark all the time, so it's doubtful that you need more.  I am a delight to have at parties, but I understand that you don't invite me to anything for fear that I'll bring up your shoddy performance--as you should be concerned because I'll do exactly that...and after enough Red Bull-and-vodkas, "Holiday" egg nog, and spiked punch, I won't even feel guilty (I probably won't feel hungover, either, because of the tolerance that I've developed since Halloween).  I have some money saved, but you earn more than twenty times what I make and you should probably give most of that back.  How about a return of $10,000 for every kickoff where the ball doesn't land within the first five yards in the opposing team's territory, $15,000 for every missed extra point, and a return of $25,000 for every missed field goal?  By the end of the season, you'll probably be paying to play.  Thank goodness because the Washington Redskins franchise is going to start hemorrhaging money if we keep losing.

We still haven't answered what I can do for you, Shaun.  I propose a week with no nasty letters from me to you or about you.

Starting eight days ago.

Sucker!

Karen

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

It's Haiku Monday!

Dear Clinton Portis,

Guess what today is!!!!  It's Haiku Monday!  Don't confuse it with Drink Wine Monday, which today ALSO is.  Don't.  Seriously.  I'll get pissed.

Anyway, here are a bunch of haikus for you to pass along to your friends on the team.  You can even trade them for other haikus if you like.  It's like they're the gift that keeps on giving.

Portis is concussed

No more practices for him

His wish was granted

Ladell Betts got hurt

Just when he got kind of good

Out for the season

Samuels was so awesome

Why did he have to get hurt?

Please get well soon, Chris!

Cooley's pretty great

And if he wasn't married

I'd cure what ails him

Chris Horton's my fave

With his way awesome long hair

Wish he was healthy

Who remembers Colt?

Our CUT third-string quarterback

He's back in ten months!

I try to ignore

The irrelevant Jim Zorn

Just like other fans

There you go, Portis.  Also, you're killing me in fantasy football--I no longer consider it to be fantastic.

Love,

Karen

You Don't Deserve Poetry

Dear Shaun Suisham,

You're the worst.  You don't deserve poetry, but I'm in a rhyming mood.  Ahem.


Ode to Shaun Suisham

Although it pains me that you haven't been fired
I must write about the events that have transpired
The only way to ensure that I will not curse
Is to put all of my feelings into verse

For when it comes to kickers in this world
You are far worse than a five-year old girl
Of your performance today I am ashamed
Yet not surprised that you are so lame

Since kickers aren't people and their feelings don't count
I don't regret the campaign that I'm about to mount
If Zorn doesn't want to hear any more of my lip
All he must do is give you a pink slip

Or perhaps I shouldn't be approaching Jim
Since he's busy pretending that he can win
But if I had to choose between his job or yours
You can bet that you'd be kicked out the door

Of all the games you could lose for us
You had to wait until we finally played Dallas
Two missed field goals make me want to cry
I always knew that you were a Cowboy spy

Something to give thanks for during this week
Is that we have seven days before we'll be beat
But I still have hope in my heart that we can win
As long as your D.C. career is at it's necessary end.

I think that I've made myself clear.

Disgusted with you,

Karen

What's Ailing The Redskins?

Dear Redskins Nation,

Hello to my fellow Redskins fans.  I’ve made an important discovery and feel that I MUST share it with you all.  I know that many of you are tired of supporting a team with so many management/owner/coaching/playing problems and I don’t blame you—I’m sad, too.  But I believe that I know why we are doing so poorly and likewise, I know the cure.

The problem goes back a long way to before I was even born, to 1982 to be exact.  Joe Bugel called the offensive linemen “hogs” and they all decided that this was a wonderful nickname to be called with pride.  Yeah, I don’t know why, either.  These guys became super awesome, though, and Joe Theismann and John Riggins begged to join (John was allowed in as an honorary member, but Joe was refused, showing that these guys didn’t just have brawn—they had brains, too).  They were unstoppable, leading to three Super Bowls in less than a decade.  I like to refer to that time as “the good ol’ days.”

Fans embraced the Hogs, leading people around the Washington area to don pig snouts when attending games.  This practice is still done today because, let’s be honest, football fans are absolutely nuts.  Bonkers.  Crazy.  There’s a reason why “fan” is short for “fanatic.”  Some of these super fans, known as the Hogettes, dress up like old women and then put on their pig noses.  They’ve been on Jay Leno, three have been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for their fanaticism, and, best of all, some of them made a VISA commercial.  I kind of wish that I could be as cool as them.

So it is only natural for our Hogs to have been infected with the dreaded H1N1 flu.  The SWINE flu.  Yes, Redskins fans, the swine flu is what is truly ailing our players...and probably the coaches, management, and Dan Snyder.  It’s not their fault, though!  No one asks to get sick (unless he or she is me in elementary school.  I really wanted my tonsils taken out so that I could eat nothing but ice cream, but Redskins Parents are terrible and wouldn’t let me have the unnecessary surgery.  Jerks).  Usually the swine flu hits a person and then they’re better within a few days...maybe a week or two...and I realize that the Redskins have been sick for much longer but OF COURSE they would be!  They’re the HOGS for crying out loud!

You might ask how I’ve come to this incredibly thought-provoking conclusion.  What’s my evidence?  Well, let’s look at Swine Flu symptoms:

Fever: Have you seen how much these guys sweat?  Definitely feverish.

Runny nose or stuffy nose:  Some people might say that the players are crying after their losses, but I know the truth.  It’s just their sinuses!

Sore throat:  They are always hoarse in post-game interviews and I refuse to believe that it’s a coincidence.

Body aches:  Clinton Portis’s body aches so much that he can’t even practice every day!

Headaches:  Sure, they could blame it on helmet-to-helmet contact, but I think that it’s the flu that causes their heads to hurt.  Poor babies.

Chills:  I got chillssssssss, they’re multiplyingggggg.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Got distracted there.  The chills could explain why they’re so slow to get past the first down line on third-and-long situations.  Their poor bodies just aren’t warmed up enough.  Um.  Despite their fevers.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Let’s just go with it.

Fatigue or tiredness:  Clearly these guys are fatigued!!  They even act like they’ve given up, they’re so exhausted!

I say that we all gather and bring our players some chicken noodle soup, lots of juice and ibuprofen and help them to get better.

Who's with me???

Karen

Cool Name. Plus Five.

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m back to comment on the Redskins current rankings!  I know that you’re just as thrilled as I am.  Mostly I’m glad that today is about pointing out what we as a team are doing well.  Too many of my letters recently have been negative and while there are valid reasons for that (like, we’re one of the worst teams in the NFL), it disappoints me when I have to criticize.  I don’t like doing that.  I much prefer the letters that I wrote at the beginning of the 2008-09 season when I was, perhaps, less witty but enthusiastic with my praise.

Anyway, let’s get started:

Field Goals Made (tied for 1^st/32):  Okay, before I get into the praising portion of this letter, let me say that this one statistic isn’t the only thing that we should be looking at in regards to Shaun Suisham.  We also have to look at the fact that he’s a Canadian (fail) and, slightly less importantly, he is SECOND-TO-LAST in the NFL for kickoff kickers.  Though our ability to score three points when our offense can’t make it into the red zone is pretty necessary to get any points on the board, having a kicker who can kick the ball right where we need it is way more important.  A good kicker gives the opposing team horrible starting field position and Suisham doesn’t cut it.  Which leads me into (finally) something we’re good at:

Kickoff Return Average (1^st/32):  I realize that the complaint above would lead some to think that the Redskins’ opponents must start on our side of the field, BUT luckily our Special Teams are around to prevent opposing teams to capitalize on Suisham’s failings.  Well…they don’t always prevent them, but being in first place is good enough for me.

Fourth Down Percentage / Red Zone Percentage (2^nd/32):  See, our defense does pretty well in general, but here are two categories where we’re exceptionally good; when the opposing team only needs a few yards to get the first down or the touchdown, we stop them more than almost every other team.  Can you imagine how many points would be scored on us if our red zone defense wasn’t so stellar?

Passing Yards Per Game (3^rd/32) and Yards Per Game (5^th/32):  Basically, our pass coverage is awesome thanks to players like Chris Horton, LaRon Landry, and Fred Smoot, but our ground coverage isn’t nearly so good—we’re 24^th in the league for Rushing Yards Per Game allowed.  Since we appear to have the pass coverage down, why not focus a little on the rest, Zorn?  Probably I should be writing to Greg Blache about that, but really, aren’t you his boss?  Can’t you pass along the word?  What is it that you do over there now???

Sacks (6^th/32): Thank Andre Carter for this one.  The way that he took down Donovan McNabb on Monday night made me want to bake him some cookies.  But then we lost the game and I lost the urge.  Still, it was pretty epic.

London Fletcher: Okay, he wasn’t on the list, but I should point out here that he leads the NFL in tackles for the season.  And he has a cool name.  Plus five for that.

There you go, Jim Zorn.  A (mostly) positive letter.  Enjoy it, because it’ll probably be the last one that you see until your good bye letter at the end of the season.

Happy reading over the bye week,

Karen

We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's

Dear Jim Zorn,

Surprise!  I’m writing to you again.  Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing?  You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear.   Burgundy has never looked so average.

While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual.  In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins.  Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).

Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:

Punt Return Average (29th/32):  I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner.  I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches.  On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player.  While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us.  And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.

Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32):  Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball.  This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general.  If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey.  I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me.  Can’t throw, people will sack me.”  All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position.  After his tenure here, I don’t blame him.  I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.

Interception Rate (29th/32):  This one is on the defense, of course.  It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against.  Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league.  But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down?  Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).

Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings.  I want some pizza, dude.

Third Down Percentage (28th/32):  We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time.  This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week.  I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE.  Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that.  I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it.  He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line.  Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.

Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long.  I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.

Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,

Karen

Go Back to Calling Bingo

Dear Sherman Lewis,

I don't know a whole lot about you except that you know the West Coast Offense and that you were calling bingo in your retirement.

Maybe you should go back to that.  Because I didn't see much of a difference between your play-calling and Zorn's last night.  We were still terrible.

And I had such high hopes, too.  :(

Also, what's so great about the West Coast Offense?  Seriously.  I want to go back to the good ol' days, back before Dan Snyder decided that he wanted West Coast and he'd hire someone as inexperienced as Zorn to get it.

Apologies for the short, boring letter, but I have not had even a sip of my gallon jug of Red Bull yet this morning and I'm tired.

Tell Cooley and Samuels that I hope they feel better,

Karen

My Pre-Game Playlist

Dear Redskins,

Yes, I'm talking to all of you from the players to the coaches; even Shaun Suisham!  Here's the thing:  I feel great about tonight.  I really think that you're going to walk into FedEx Field and teach the Eagles a lesson and so I am totally pumped.  Pretty soon I'll be changing into my jeans and Clinton Portis jersey to drink with my friends and watch this game.  And it's going to be an awesome game.  I feel it.  I FEEL IT!

But I want you guys to feel it, too.  This is why I'm including a pre-game playlist to get you all as excited as I am.  Start here and proceed:

 

 

Enjoy it!

Love,

Karen

Done. Kaput. Over.

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow, tough break, guy.  I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other.  It's time to say good bye to the good old days.  You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.

Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list.  Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.

Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out.  You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree.  But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?

Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach.  It just isn’t done.   Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired.  To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things.  That had to hurt.  But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done.  Kaput.  Over.  The fat lady is singing.

Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach.  Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move.   The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding?  You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.

Let me repeat that:  they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally).  If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.

Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt.  I mean, seriously?!  A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort!  You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball.  And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed.  He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.

Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn.  Maybe you should try it some time.

Not surprised that you’re in this position,

Karen

P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!

P.P.S.  So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too.   As a person, not as my quarterback.  He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday.  A negative two.  NEGATIVE TWO.

There Are Plenty of Other Coaches Who Can Get a Tan!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m aware that I haven’t written to you in about two weeks; I’ve been busy with work and you’ve apparently been busy coming up with ways to hurt me.  Congratulations!  You were successful at something, finally.  After Sunday’s loss to the Carolina Panthers (seriously?  The Panthers?!), I laid in bed, prostrate with grief—okay, I didn’t.  But who could blame me if I did?  That game was brutal.  Everyone felt it.

It started out well enough.  As I tweeted during the game, Shaun Suisham’s opening kickoff got to the 2-yard line, which is pretty stellar in all honesty.  And you know how I hate praising him.  Everyone knows it; I’m not terribly subtle*.  Then on the very next play, Albert Haynesworth recovered that fumble and then Clinton Portis got a touchdown.  All in less than two minutes.

Aha! I thought.  The Panthers are even worse than us!  I was certain of victory.

Well, I was certainly wrong.

I could pin this on several mistakes made by our players, but I’m tired and don’t feel like it.  Except for mentioning that Shaun Suisham missed a tackle.  Yeah, he’s a kicker and a kick returner shouldn’t be able to get past all the rest of our guys and leave it to the guy wearing only one shoe, but I just wanted to give you another reason to fire him.  We have to cut our losses somewhere and I think that we should start with him.

So I’m going to pin this loss elsewhere: on you, Jim Zorn.  That’s right, your charming witticisms and fake bake tan have only gotten you so far with me and now it’s done.  You’re not special!  There are plenty of other coaches in the league who can get a tan!  And I want Dan Snyder to go ahead and get me one of them.

Actually, strike that.  I don’t even care if our next coach can get a tan.  I’d rather that he just KNOW HOW TO COACH A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM.

And so farewell, Jim Zorn.  Sure, you’ll get more letters from me; I’m nothing if not persistent, after all.  But I’m not counting on Dan Snyder sticking by your side at the end of the season.  So even if you keep your job through the next eleven games…well…perhaps you won’t be done in the league.  Maybe Seattle will take you back as a Quarterback Coach.

Probably not, though.

Bitterly disappointed once again,

Karen

P.S.  I take back everything if we finish out the regular season at 13-3.  Kthxbai.

*This picture may or may not depict real life.**
**It doesn't.

Tweet, Tweet

Dear Redskins,

I'll be tweeting during the entire game.  Lots and lots of tweets.  Be ready.

http://twitter.com/redskinletters

Favorite place that.  You'll thank me later.

Love,

Karen

An 80-Yard Baby Bomb

Dear Jason Campbell,

By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you:  I think that you’re super.  You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with.  I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.

But it might be time to face facts:  you’re kind of not great at your job.  Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching.  Probably both.  I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays.  Was that true?  If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?

Sorry.  You probably can’t answer that.  Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes.  Like holding onto the ball.  Here are some suggestions:

1.    The oldest trick in the book:  glue your hands/gloves to the ball.

2.    Nail/staple your hands to the ball.  It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.

3.    Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop.  Like a baby.  You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason?  This seems like the best plan ever.  It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities.  Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.

Jason, I’m telling you as a stalker friend, that your days are numbered.  Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you.  Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan.  Please start playing better.  I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.

Love,

Karen

I Think That You've Bleached Your Brain

Dear Jim Zorn,

If I could, I’d demote you.

To towel boy (Note: Do not Google image search "towel boy." Terrible idea).

On second thought, you’d probably screw that up, too.

So I change my mind: if I could, I’d fire you.

Know something else that sucks (besides your play-calling)? Redskins Parents gifted me with a Redskins “We <3 Our Coach” t-shirt back when Joe Gibbs was coach. I’ve been unable to wear it for over a year now. Thanks a lot.

No regards,

Karen

P.S. Stop spending so much time in the tanning beds. I think that you’ve bleached your brain.

P.P.S. Detroit? Seriously?

Neither Congratulations Nor Accolades Are in Order

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not falling for it. You’re trying to fool this town into thinking that you’re suddenly not the worst kicker in the NFL with your shiny new one-hundred percent field goal completion record and lofty status as being tied for number six in the league. Number six is probably pretty sweet after ending last season tied for the eighteenth spot. So I guess you think that congratulations or accolades are in order. If you think that, you haven’t been reading all my letters to you.

Because I look at more than field goals, Shaun Suisham. That’s right, you were hired for kickoffs, too, which must be a huge surprise because you mostly suck at those. This isn’t an eighteenth place sort of thing, this is a THIRTY-FOURTH place sort of thing. Dude, there are only thirty-two teams; there are punters that are better kickers than you are. That's not even their position (note to self: Ask Jim Zorn why the hell we can’t get even one of those guys). Have you no shame?

I really have no idea why you are still on the team; my guess is that you have compromising pictures of Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, or them together and if so, well, kudos. A guy’s gotta try to keep his job in an economy like this. Since it doesn’t look like Jim Zorn taking my advice about you, I’m just going to have to make you a better kicker. Here’s my Ten-Step Plan to Success:

Step One: Make a sandwich (What? I’m hungry!)
Step Two: Daydream about a winning season
Step Three: Still hungry; eat Anti-Redskins Best Friend’s ice cream and say her husband did it.
Step Four: Daydream some more (I do this a lot), this time about how I’d look in a Redskins cheerleading uniform. Decision? Smokin’.
Step Five: Get down to business and contact my buddy, Special Teams Coach Danny Smith and get him to sign onto my “Water is for Winners” plan. Shaun Suisham, you will receive no water until or unless you improve your 53.4 yard average per kickoff. I wouldn’t cry about it if I were you, either; you need to contain all the liquids that you can because I don’t see you earning water anytime soon.
Step Six: Wonder if I should feel bad for constantly calling you out as the worst player on the entire team. Decision? Nope.
Step Seven: Encourage you to visualize someone that you hate when kicking the ball. Like every single fan of the Redskins ever. I think that you’ve given sufficient evidence to prove that you hate us. Even if you haven’t tweeted about it yet.
Step Eight: Encourage you to kick the ball further. Sorry; too hard?
Step Nine: Dognap your dog. Maybe kicking for Fluffy’s life will be a bigger incentive than a $526,240 yearly salary.
Step Ten: Get you on steroids and lots of them. And a supply of urine to fool the drug testers. Don’t worry; no one will be weirded out by your face after taking all the ‘roids because you’re Canadian. No one expects much from you in that department (Note to self: don’t let Canadian grandparents read this letter).

And there you have it. Ten Steps to Success and Victory!  I'll get started right away.

You’re welcome,

Karen

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

I'm Back And Ready to Attack!

Dear Redskin Letters Fan(s),

I apologize for neglecting my correspondence to the Redskins in the past few months, but two of my bosses are Cowboys fans and they’ve had me working crazy overtime AND they blocked blogger functions so that I couldn’t update from work. It’s like they don’t even understand why I got a job with internet access.

Anyhoo, I’m back just in time for training camp! Before I start castigating Jim Zorn and squeeing over Chris Cooley, though, I think that we need to review what I think about everything happening in the NFL.

• Michael Vick’s been reinstated on a trial basis. I thought that he already had a trial and was convicted on charges of animal abuse, but what do I know? I don’t even like animals that much. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up with the Cowboys and the rest of their criminals.
• Speaking of the Cowboys, Tony “I Can’t Win a Playoff Game” Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson and then posted signs at his house saying that she’s not allowed in. That’s way harsh, Tony. I wonder if holding up pictures of Jessica will still cause him to lose games. I hope so. In fact, I think that Dan Snyder should invite her to Washington when Dallas comes to town, to celebrate that she no longer has to pretend to like the Cowboys. For funsies, she could also sing the National Anthem if she can remember the words and put on a half-time show with songs from her failed country album. Jessica, I liked that one song of yours that got on the radio. Not enough to buy it, though. Sorry.
• By the way, Tony? When people care more about who you’re dating than how you’re playing? Doesn’t bode well. Also, I hate you.
• Hey Steve McNair! Wanna know the best way to not get killed by your girlfriend? Don’t cheat on your wife. (Hmm. Maybe I should have mentioned that to him a couple months ago. Oh well. Too late now.)
• I had to change my text message alert ringtone away from “Hail to the Redskins” because sometimes I get annoyed by text messages and I cannot associate “annoyance” and “the Redskins” together. I still had it on when Redskins Brother texted me a picture of Saint Joe Gibbs and that was awesome. Also, Redskins Brother and I are no longer speaking because he didn’t help ME meet Coach Joe. Redskins Brother = big jerk who wore my leotard once when we were kids. Yeah, I said it on your Facebook wall and now I’m saying it for the rest of the world to read.
• Brett Favre retired again, guys. For real this time. Maybe. Pretty soon he’s not going to be hot enough for me to pretend to care about him.
• Tom Brady’s back with the Patriots. Perhaps playing football will be a nice change from knocking up chicks.
• Assorted comments from rejected applicants; may they feel some shame for their lame attempts to woo me:

1. “If you choose me, I will make you see God.” I gotta say that being told that you want to kill me is kind of a turn off. I have forwarded this to the authorities several times and will continue to do so until they take the death threat seriously. I don’t want to see God until I’m really old, like 45.
2. "Because I am better looking than Dan Snyder.” First, you gave no photographic evidence to support this claim; second, you did not use complete sentences. If you can’t follow such a simple direction, how do I know that you’re going to serve me a Bloody Mary exactly how I like it? I refuse to take such a risk.
3. “I love the Redskins as much as you do…or maybe even more.” LIAR! Screw you AND your dirty lies.
4. "Here’s why you should like the Cowboys….” Yeah. I didn’t even bother finishing this one. Clearly you ignored some of the big “Rejected!” pictures, so you must be an idiot or you think that you are above filling out the application correctly. Let me tell you something, Cowboys fan, NO ONE IS ABOVE FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION CORRECTLY. Also, you suck.

I’m considering getting Twitter just so that you all can know my feelings about the Redskins’ performance during real-time once the season starts. Is anyone interested in that?

Peace out homies (don’t worry, I’m getting tan enough this summer that I can say that),

Karen