01 November 2009

What's Ailing The Redskins?

Dear Redskins Nation,

Hello to my fellow Redskins fans.  I’ve made an important discovery and feel that I MUST share it with you all.  I know that many of you are tired of supporting a team with so many management/owner/coaching/playing problems and I don’t blame you—I’m sad, too.  But I believe that I know why we are doing so poorly and likewise, I know the cure.

The problem goes back a long way to before I was even born, to 1982 to be exact.  Joe Bugel called the offensive linemen “hogs” and they all decided that this was a wonderful nickname to be called with pride.  Yeah, I don’t know why, either.  These guys became super awesome, though, and Joe Theismann and John Riggins begged to join (John was allowed in as an honorary member, but Joe was refused, showing that these guys didn’t just have brawn—they had brains, too).  They were unstoppable, leading to three Super Bowls in less than a decade.  I like to refer to that time as “the good ol’ days.”

Fans embraced the Hogs, leading people around the Washington area to don pig snouts when attending games.  This practice is still done today because, let’s be honest, football fans are absolutely nuts.  Bonkers.  Crazy.  There’s a reason why “fan” is short for “fanatic.”  Some of these super fans, known as the Hogettes, dress up like old women and then put on their pig noses.  They’ve been on Jay Leno, three have been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for their fanaticism, and, best of all, some of them made a VISA commercial.  I kind of wish that I could be as cool as them.

So it is only natural for our Hogs to have been infected with the dreaded H1N1 flu.  The SWINE flu.  Yes, Redskins fans, the swine flu is what is truly ailing our players...and probably the coaches, management, and Dan Snyder.  It’s not their fault, though!  No one asks to get sick (unless he or she is me in elementary school.  I really wanted my tonsils taken out so that I could eat nothing but ice cream, but Redskins Parents are terrible and wouldn’t let me have the unnecessary surgery.  Jerks).  Usually the swine flu hits a person and then they’re better within a few days...maybe a week or two...and I realize that the Redskins have been sick for much longer but OF COURSE they would be!  They’re the HOGS for crying out loud!

You might ask how I’ve come to this incredibly thought-provoking conclusion.  What’s my evidence?  Well, let’s look at Swine Flu symptoms:

Fever: Have you seen how much these guys sweat?  Definitely feverish.

Runny nose or stuffy nose:  Some people might say that the players are crying after their losses, but I know the truth.  It’s just their sinuses!

Sore throat:  They are always hoarse in post-game interviews and I refuse to believe that it’s a coincidence.

Body aches:  Clinton Portis’s body aches so much that he can’t even practice every day!

Headaches:  Sure, they could blame it on helmet-to-helmet contact, but I think that it’s the flu that causes their heads to hurt.  Poor babies.

Chills:  I got chillssssssss, they’re multiplyingggggg.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Got distracted there.  The chills could explain why they’re so slow to get past the first down line on third-and-long situations.  Their poor bodies just aren’t warmed up enough.  Um.  Despite their fevers.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Let’s just go with it.

Fatigue or tiredness:  Clearly these guys are fatigued!!  They even act like they’ve given up, they’re so exhausted!

I say that we all gather and bring our players some chicken noodle soup, lots of juice and ibuprofen and help them to get better.

Who's with me???



Bailey S. said...

haha karen :)
very true even though i dont watch football - it makes me dizzy and counfused :P

Karen said...

Your spelling makes me dizzy and "counfused," too. Don't those nuns teach you anything?

Just kidding. Thanks for reading, darlin'.