What Are the Rules for That Up There?

Dear Sean Taylor,

I hope that you can read this up there in Heaven. I'm assuming that's where you are because that's where all Redskins go when they die (Cowboys and Eagles go to purgatory for one more chance to root for the 'Skins). A year and three days after your death, I think that Redskins fans all over have learned and seen a lot that they never expected.

We saw the team become more than a team as they mourned together and turned what was shaping up to be a losing season into a mad run to the playoffs...where we lost anyway...seriously, you couldn't help them out even a little? What are the rules for that up there?

We saw Saint Joe Gibbs retire from coaching for what is surely the last time.

We saw Clinton Portis clam up...and you know the world isn't right when he's not talking in a crazy costume.

We saw that Dan Snyder actually maybe has a heart as he stayed with your family through everything and took on all the expenses surrounding flying the team and their wives down to your funeral. I don't know if he was one of the people behind plexi-glassing your locker, but that was a cool move.

Most of all, Dan Snyder is doing the right thing by inducting you into the Ring of Fame this afternoon. It's a huge honor (I'm sure that you're aware) and you deserve it. So I guess that I can agree with Mr. Snyder on a few things...but he better not get too used to it.

Finally, Sean, I hope that you'll be our twelfth man for the rest of the season (we can't get in trouble for it if the refs can't see you!) starting this afternoon against the Giants. In the past we've had the "Five-and-oh, or we don't go!" chants and we've done it (and, of course, screwed up against Seattle in the first playoff game...but they can't go this year!), so please help out your team.

Love,

Karen

P.S. We'll always miss you.

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen

Your Future Plane Rides Depend Upon It

Dear Ladell Betts,

Hey, do you remember that time when we were playing the Seattle Seahawks and you fumbled the ball, we almost lost the game, but we didn't, and then we all had a good laugh about it?

Well, not me. I did not have a good laugh. I didn't even have a bad laugh--there was no laughing! Fumbles upset me, Ladell. Bunches. They also make me wonder why you hate the Redskins.

Is it because Clinton Portis is better than you and gets the ball more often? It's not really fair to hate someone because they're awesome, Ladell. Please keep that in mind. You should be glad that you're our number two guy...because clearly, we need someone who doesn't fumble the freaking ball and give the Seahawks plenty of time to come back and win the game. I will say that you're better than Shaun Alexander, but so is my 8-year old cousin. Hope.

I hope that after the game you bought Shawn Springs a nice steak dinner for saving your butt by intercepting on Matt "I Wish I Was as Cool as My Sister-in-Law Elisabeth" Hasslebeck. Without that interception, we might have lost and you would have gone home on a different plane from the rest of your team. It's been known to happen.

Anyway, I'm sure that we're not going to get rid of you (thanks to Shawn Springs), so please shape up. Your future plane rides with the team depend upon it.

No More Fumbles!

Karen

Your Glory Days Are Behind You

Dear Shaun Alexander,

So I'm not too sure why Jim Zorn wanted you on his team. I heard somewhere that you used to be good, but I've seen nothing to indicate that since you arrived. Dan Snyder has a habit of signing guys to the Redskins whose glory days are behind them and I think that's the case here, too. You will follow in the ranks of Deion Sanders (ugh...everytime a Cowboy wears a Redskins jersey a litter of kittens drown) and all the rest. Redskins Hater wants me to include Jason Taylor in this list, but that's too early to be seen--I mean, he's been injured for so much of the season. But that doesn't keep him from dancing. Does it?

Anyhoo, please start playing better. Keep in mind what happened to Durant Brooks and Leigh Torrence....

Ominously yours,

Karen

Paint My SUV!

Dear Jim Zorn,

What the hell, man? We lost to Dallas because you didn't hate them enough. It's like you just stood back there on the sidelines going, "Well, boys, we beat them last time so it's their turn to beat us. Now stop intercepting Romo's passes!" I don't mind telling you, Coach, that that is not a great gameplan. In fact, it's a terrible one.

It's bad enough that Redskin fans have to deal with seeing Cowboys fans everywhere we go. We shouldn't have to lose to them, too! I mean, sure we beat them in some areas; like you are a much better looking coach than Wade Phillips. Jason Campbell generally doesn't look as foolish as Tony Romo, Terrell Owens is a much bigger jerk than any of the Redskins, blah blah blah.

But that doesn't change the fact that we scored fewer points and lost the game. I'm pretty displeased and I think that you know it. Here are some things that you can do to get in my good graces again:

1. Win. It sounds complex, I know, but isn't that hard. I mean, the Tennessee Titans are doing it every week and we all know that THEY can't be better than us.

2. Paint my car burgundy with gold trim and require each starting Redskin to paint their own original picture on the hood and doors. Don't worry; I have an SUV so there's plenty of room.

3. Have the team clean my apartment. I win by not having to do it myself (or beg Patriots Boyfriend to do it for me) and you win by finding a unique punishment for the team members who screwed up on Sunday night.

4. Give referree Jeff Triplett a noogie for me. Not only will I enjoy it, but fans everywhere will. He kinds sucks as a ref, doesn't he? I bet that if you get fined, Tom Cruise's best gal pal will pay you back. He loves it when people are jerks...especially him!

You may choose any of my suggestions. I don't have a preference.

Get Better at Coaching Soon!

Karen

P.S. The Seahawks suck. If we lose to them, you're dead to me. If we beat them, though, it means nothing because we SHOULD beat them. Beat the Giants and maybe people will like you again.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?"

Dear Jason Campbell,

We have a problem. I could say that the problem is you, but it's not. You're doing okay. Just okay, though; don't go getting cocky. Redskins Dad blames you, but he's a Hater. Here's what he has to (um, wrongly) say:

1. On third downs, you need to stop throwing the ball to people who are several yards away from the first down line. Even when they catch the ball, they're tackled before they can get there. Now I love an exciting fourth-and-one situation as much as the next Redskin SuperFan (except...I'm the only one! At least I'm the only one clever enough to get a gmail account advertising it), but I don't enjoy being in the position where we have to decide to go for it or punt.

2. You shouldn't be quarterback. This is why Redskins Dad is a hater and why I'm totally going to stop speaking to him after I get all my Christmas gifts...or maybe I'll wait until after my birthday (April 8th! Buy me a drink!). Jason, I think that you can be a terrific quarterback. Maybe you'll never be Brett Favre or John Elway, but you'll also never be Ryan Leaf or Matt Cassell (take THAT, Patriots Boyfriend!).

Anyway, I told Redskins Dad that it's not your fault if your coach calls lousy plays. You're welcome.

Until you get a few more wins, though, you're going to have to deal with Haters. I work with a guy who calls himself a Redskin fan...but he's really a Hater. Week after week he gets to go to the games for free (yes, I'm bitter!) and comes into work on Monday (or Tuesday) with more complaints! It's always, "I'm disappointed" or "They suck" or "I'm gay." Yep. One's sexuality is determined by how much he or she roots for the Redskins. This is what brought on the whole "Homo for Romo" phenomenon in Dallas.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?" you might ask. Well, I'm GLAD you asked.

1. A Hater claims to love the Redskins, but bashes them at every opportunity. If you say "Good morning!" a Hater replies, "I'm not rooting for the Redskins anymore."

2. When you stick up for your team because you actually know what true loyalty is, Haters will snarkily tell you to stop kidding yourself. They will also claim that "snark" isn't a word. If you offer to get a dictionary, they won't let you because they know that you are right (especially when you're a freaking editor)!

3. A Hater won't admit that the Redskins did anything well. When you point out that interception by DeAngelo Hall and how great it was, the Hater will refuse to give him any credit. A Hater will reply that if Hall caught more interceptions, maybe the Redskins wouldn't have lost (...sometimes it's difficult to argue with facts like that, but Haters still suck for their disloyalty).

4. A Hater will complain that they got "nothing" from sitting out for several hours in the cold while at the game (seriously...they will...Redskins Hater just came up and said it after reading over my shoulder). You know what, though? There are tons of LOYAL fans that would LOVE to get FREE tickets to Redskin games and would never complain about sitting in the cold, supporting the team that they adore.

There you have it, Jason Campbell. That's what a Hater is. How can you avoid a Hater? Well, don't come to my office and don't go to my parents' house. But you can come to my apartment in Ashburn after practice anytime you like. I'll give you beer and homemade party mix and I promise not to burn it. Invite any of the rest of the guys, too. There's room for you all if no more than thirteen of you want to sit down.

Love,

Karen

By "Job" I Mean "Paid for Sunbathing"

Dear Jim Zorn,

Are you playing Clinton Portis or not? Enquiring minds (just mine) want to know! Can you just tell ME? I promise that I won't tell anyone else. See, the thing is, I'm freaking out a little here. It could be all the Red Bull-and-vodkas I've had or it could be my insecurity over the Redskins' skills. It's a toss up. Anti-Redskins Best Friend would say it's the vodka, but she's wrong about anything that's sports-related, so there you go. Always wrong.

I recently (like ten minutes ago) read something from some Dallas newspaper saying that the Cowboys are assuming that CP is playing. Now, I want him to play more than you do (I do!!!), but I also don't like any Cowboys being right. So I don't even know what to pray for (I also hate ending sentences with prepositions, but what am I going to do? Besides, I doubt that most people who read this know what prepositions are). Anyway, I want Portis to play. I also want to screw with the Cowboys. I'm sure that there is a way that both of these things can happen. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have Clinton Portis dress up in a Durant Brooks jersey. The Cowboys are too stupid to know that he's not our punter anymore; Portis can kick and even catch the ball all by himself, even though that's not really his job. That's how good he is.

2. Instead of instant replays, show local Clinton Portis commercials on the Jumbotron. The Cowboys will be confused. How can he be on that screen and be at the game at the same time? That doesn't seem possible. Clearly, he can't be playing. Foolish Cowboys.

3. Clinton Portis should play poorly for the first half and lull the Cowboys into a false sense of security (just like Anti-Redskins Best Friend's bunny rabbit does before she scratches the hell out of me) and then when the third quarter starts--BAM!! He goes crazy and gets mad yardage and schools the Cowboys. I will buy the DVD of that game. I will even start the bidding at $1 billion dollars. Anyone want to beat that? I doubt it. I win.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, you should tell the world that Portis isn't playing, and then at the last minute, tell the world that they are idiots for believing you because Clinton Portis is the man and he'll be there. At the game. Winning it for Washington. All Redskin fans will bow down before you and even worship you in a creepy way if you beat Dallas TWICE in your first season of coaching. Also, two wins against Dallas = five free years of coaching. You'll have' a job for years!!! I wish I had a job for years. And by "job" I mean, "paid for sunbathing".

You know about sunbathing, right? At least you're familiar with tanning beds. Patriots Boyfriend still asks me about that. And I still hit him. Until he hits back. Sigh.

Beat Dallas!!

Karen

Please Look at Your Backups!

Dear Clinton Portis,

Are you better yet? We need you to play on Sunday night for many different reasons. Here they are:

1. For the love of God, please look at your backups! Your backups aren't as good as you. Also, I've never heard of ONE player having FOUR backups! That's pretty sweet. You should see if you can get them to cover for you outside of games, too. If you can't show up for an Eastern Motors commerical shoot, just ask Mike Sellers to take your place, for example. I'm sure that he can sing that annoying jingle just as well as you can.

2. Your yards-per-season record. Come on, you almost have 1000 yards! How are you ever going to beat Eric Dickerson's record if you don't play in every game? To beat his record you currently need to get 159 yards per game, including this one. If you don't play in this game, that jumps up to about 185 yards. That doesn't seem quite as doable.

3. This. Is. Dallas. Come on, please play? We HAVE to beat the Cowboys! Are you willing to sit on the sidelines and watch us potentially lose? We're honoring Darrell Green and Art Monk at this game. If we lose because you didn't play, I have it on good authority (or do I?) that they might sprain your other MCL. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, you should play, but the team should continue to tell the media (and the dirty Cowboys) that you aren't playing so that you'll surprise everyone...especially Dallas.

Get Well Soon!

Karen

We All Do Things to Shame Ourselves

Dear Leigh Torrence,

Wow. You were let go. I definitely saw that coming as addressed in my last letter to you, but I had no idea how much attention Coach Zorn pays attention to my blog. Apparently he reads it often and respects my irrefutable advice.

We all make mistakes, Leigh; you didn't cover your guy in the game versus the Rams, and last night I drunkenly swore up and down to Patriots Boyfriend that he was wrong in thinking that the Arizona Cardinals are in the NFC. "They're AFC West!" I shouted. "You don't even need to look it up!" I proceeded to do a happy "I'm right!" dance before he showed me that I was wrong. Then he spent the next half an hour trying to coax me out of my room because I refused to come out and face that I was wrong about something.

See? We all do things to shame ourselves. Luckily for you, you'll never shame the Redskins again! Good news! The bad news is that you don't get to play for the best team ever (The Redskins) again, either. Sorry.

Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors. Maybe next time you won't allow the Rams to score on us.

Bye!!!

Karen

I Made Up a Song

Dear Jim Zorn,

Did you miss me during your bye week? I'm sure that you did. You don't even have to say anything because I already know.

We have a very big game on Sunday night and I want to make sure that you're prepared. Previously, I've castigated you on your lack of burning hatred for the Dallas Cowboys. Have you fixed this yet? It's kind of important. If we lose because you didn't hate enough, well, you'll be getting more letters, mister!

I was sad that we didn't have a game yesterday, but I made myself feel better by drinking lots of wine and hard cider at a party. When I got home I made up a song regarding Sunday Night Football. Here it is in it's entirety:

I love football
I love football
I love football
And I can't wait to watch!

I love football
I love football
I love football
And I can't wait to watch!

It's rather repetitive, I know, but this makes it easier to remember. I debated on whether to post it because I don't know how many Cowboys fans read this (um, none?) and the Cowboys are known for stealing Redskin songs (like "Hail to the Redskins". They copyrighted it out from under us--before I was born!!). You may share it with the rest of the Redskins team if you like (but it's more of a fan song).

Anyhoo, please instruct your team to play like they did the last time we played (and beat!) the Cowboys. If you don't, I will.

Sincerely,

Karen

If You Didn't Lose, I Wouldn't Whine

Dear Jim Zorn,

Know what I'm voting for today? Never seeing the burgundy-on-burgundy uniforms again. This is something that everyone in Washington will clamor for, regardless of political affiliation. Republicans and Democrats will reach across the aisle, join hands, sing "Hail to the Redskins" and be happy for about five seconds that they've finally agreed on something!

Also, I haven't voted the Redskins ticket for the Pro Bowl yet and I refuse to until you stop making me cry. I'm sitting here, hopped up on caffeine with the jitters all because of you. Coffee kept me up until 1:30 am because I wanted to stay awake for the entire game (thanks so much for losing!) and then when I got up at 5:00 am I had to have more to stay awake for the rest of today because Patriots Boyfriend thinks that Red Bulls are free game at my apartment and drinks them like they're water so I'm completely out and you know what else? I hate coffee! I hate the jitters! And I hate waiting in line for an hour and half to vote and being late to work and can't you do something about that since I vote in Ashburn and that's where the Redskins are?

*Takes deep breath* So. I'm caffeinated, nauseated, and sad all at once. And hungry. And I've sneezed like twice.

All because you lost to the Steelers in the burgundy-on-burgundy uniforms. Thanks, Zorn.

Don't Care if I'm Whiny,

Karen

You Wound My Soul

Dear Redskin Team,

You wound my soul and break my heart.

Crying myself to sleep,

Karen

P.S. Why? For the love of God, why? :'(

"They're Big, Bad, and They're Mean!"

Dear Santana Moss,

Please come out and play tonight! We need you! I hear that you're "questionable" and my question is how can you do this to us?! I know that you got hurt last Sunday and I understand the importance of getting better, blah blah blah, but you have thirteen whole days to get better after this game! That's tons of time! So what if you get a tiny bit banged up tonight? Won't it be worth it to beat the Steelers?

Come on. I know that you have it in you to be awesome tonight. Don't you want to do another 80-yard punt return for a touchdown? Of course you do! So get out there and get it done. I won't take no for an answer.

Oh, and if you DON'T play and we LOSE? You're in trouble. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

P.S. Check out this page and click on the Redskins version of the song to get you in game mode: http://www.thelosttrailers.net/football/?account_id=220380 The band is from Alexandria, so no matter how many versions there are, the Redskins one is the REAL one. I'm almost 100% sure. And I will fight anyone who says differently...or get Patriots Boyfriend to do it. He likes to hit. :-(