An 80-Yard Baby Bomb

Dear Jason Campbell,

By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you:  I think that you’re super.  You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with.  I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.

But it might be time to face facts:  you’re kind of not great at your job.  Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching.  Probably both.  I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays.  Was that true?  If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?

Sorry.  You probably can’t answer that.  Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes.  Like holding onto the ball.  Here are some suggestions:

1.    The oldest trick in the book:  glue your hands/gloves to the ball.

2.    Nail/staple your hands to the ball.  It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.

3.    Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop.  Like a baby.  You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason?  This seems like the best plan ever.  It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities.  Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.

Jason, I’m telling you as a stalker friend, that your days are numbered.  Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you.  Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan.  Please start playing better.  I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.

Love,

Karen

I Think That You've Bleached Your Brain

Dear Jim Zorn,

If I could, I’d demote you.

To towel boy (Note: Do not Google image search "towel boy." Terrible idea).

On second thought, you’d probably screw that up, too.

So I change my mind: if I could, I’d fire you.

Know something else that sucks (besides your play-calling)? Redskins Parents gifted me with a Redskins “We <3 Our Coach” t-shirt back when Joe Gibbs was coach. I’ve been unable to wear it for over a year now. Thanks a lot.

No regards,

Karen

P.S. Stop spending so much time in the tanning beds. I think that you’ve bleached your brain.

P.P.S. Detroit? Seriously?

Neither Congratulations Nor Accolades Are in Order

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not falling for it. You’re trying to fool this town into thinking that you’re suddenly not the worst kicker in the NFL with your shiny new one-hundred percent field goal completion record and lofty status as being tied for number six in the league. Number six is probably pretty sweet after ending last season tied for the eighteenth spot. So I guess you think that congratulations or accolades are in order. If you think that, you haven’t been reading all my letters to you.

Because I look at more than field goals, Shaun Suisham. That’s right, you were hired for kickoffs, too, which must be a huge surprise because you mostly suck at those. This isn’t an eighteenth place sort of thing, this is a THIRTY-FOURTH place sort of thing. Dude, there are only thirty-two teams; there are punters that are better kickers than you are. That's not even their position (note to self: Ask Jim Zorn why the hell we can’t get even one of those guys). Have you no shame?

I really have no idea why you are still on the team; my guess is that you have compromising pictures of Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, or them together and if so, well, kudos. A guy’s gotta try to keep his job in an economy like this. Since it doesn’t look like Jim Zorn taking my advice about you, I’m just going to have to make you a better kicker. Here’s my Ten-Step Plan to Success:

Step One: Make a sandwich (What? I’m hungry!)
Step Two: Daydream about a winning season
Step Three: Still hungry; eat Anti-Redskins Best Friend’s ice cream and say her husband did it.
Step Four: Daydream some more (I do this a lot), this time about how I’d look in a Redskins cheerleading uniform. Decision? Smokin’.
Step Five: Get down to business and contact my buddy, Special Teams Coach Danny Smith and get him to sign onto my “Water is for Winners” plan. Shaun Suisham, you will receive no water until or unless you improve your 53.4 yard average per kickoff. I wouldn’t cry about it if I were you, either; you need to contain all the liquids that you can because I don’t see you earning water anytime soon.
Step Six: Wonder if I should feel bad for constantly calling you out as the worst player on the entire team. Decision? Nope.
Step Seven: Encourage you to visualize someone that you hate when kicking the ball. Like every single fan of the Redskins ever. I think that you’ve given sufficient evidence to prove that you hate us. Even if you haven’t tweeted about it yet.
Step Eight: Encourage you to kick the ball further. Sorry; too hard?
Step Nine: Dognap your dog. Maybe kicking for Fluffy’s life will be a bigger incentive than a $526,240 yearly salary.
Step Ten: Get you on steroids and lots of them. And a supply of urine to fool the drug testers. Don’t worry; no one will be weirded out by your face after taking all the ‘roids because you’re Canadian. No one expects much from you in that department (Note to self: don’t let Canadian grandparents read this letter).

And there you have it. Ten Steps to Success and Victory!  I'll get started right away.

You’re welcome,

Karen

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

I'm Back And Ready to Attack!

Dear Redskin Letters Fan(s),

I apologize for neglecting my correspondence to the Redskins in the past few months, but two of my bosses are Cowboys fans and they’ve had me working crazy overtime AND they blocked blogger functions so that I couldn’t update from work. It’s like they don’t even understand why I got a job with internet access.

Anyhoo, I’m back just in time for training camp! Before I start castigating Jim Zorn and squeeing over Chris Cooley, though, I think that we need to review what I think about everything happening in the NFL.

• Michael Vick’s been reinstated on a trial basis. I thought that he already had a trial and was convicted on charges of animal abuse, but what do I know? I don’t even like animals that much. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up with the Cowboys and the rest of their criminals.
• Speaking of the Cowboys, Tony “I Can’t Win a Playoff Game” Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson and then posted signs at his house saying that she’s not allowed in. That’s way harsh, Tony. I wonder if holding up pictures of Jessica will still cause him to lose games. I hope so. In fact, I think that Dan Snyder should invite her to Washington when Dallas comes to town, to celebrate that she no longer has to pretend to like the Cowboys. For funsies, she could also sing the National Anthem if she can remember the words and put on a half-time show with songs from her failed country album. Jessica, I liked that one song of yours that got on the radio. Not enough to buy it, though. Sorry.
• By the way, Tony? When people care more about who you’re dating than how you’re playing? Doesn’t bode well. Also, I hate you.
• Hey Steve McNair! Wanna know the best way to not get killed by your girlfriend? Don’t cheat on your wife. (Hmm. Maybe I should have mentioned that to him a couple months ago. Oh well. Too late now.)
• I had to change my text message alert ringtone away from “Hail to the Redskins” because sometimes I get annoyed by text messages and I cannot associate “annoyance” and “the Redskins” together. I still had it on when Redskins Brother texted me a picture of Saint Joe Gibbs and that was awesome. Also, Redskins Brother and I are no longer speaking because he didn’t help ME meet Coach Joe. Redskins Brother = big jerk who wore my leotard once when we were kids. Yeah, I said it on your Facebook wall and now I’m saying it for the rest of the world to read.
• Brett Favre retired again, guys. For real this time. Maybe. Pretty soon he’s not going to be hot enough for me to pretend to care about him.
• Tom Brady’s back with the Patriots. Perhaps playing football will be a nice change from knocking up chicks.
• Assorted comments from rejected applicants; may they feel some shame for their lame attempts to woo me:

1. “If you choose me, I will make you see God.” I gotta say that being told that you want to kill me is kind of a turn off. I have forwarded this to the authorities several times and will continue to do so until they take the death threat seriously. I don’t want to see God until I’m really old, like 45.
2. "Because I am better looking than Dan Snyder.” First, you gave no photographic evidence to support this claim; second, you did not use complete sentences. If you can’t follow such a simple direction, how do I know that you’re going to serve me a Bloody Mary exactly how I like it? I refuse to take such a risk.
3. “I love the Redskins as much as you do…or maybe even more.” LIAR! Screw you AND your dirty lies.
4. "Here’s why you should like the Cowboys….” Yeah. I didn’t even bother finishing this one. Clearly you ignored some of the big “Rejected!” pictures, so you must be an idiot or you think that you are above filling out the application correctly. Let me tell you something, Cowboys fan, NO ONE IS ABOVE FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION CORRECTLY. Also, you suck.

I’m considering getting Twitter just so that you all can know my feelings about the Redskins’ performance during real-time once the season starts. Is anyone interested in that?

Peace out homies (don’t worry, I’m getting tan enough this summer that I can say that),

Karen

The Post You've All Been Waiting For!

Dear Redskins and fans of Redskin Letters,

I have some bad news (or good news?) for you. Patriots Boyfriend has left the building...and by "building" I mean "my nefarious clutches." Some gals would get over it lightly and *not* set his car on fire, but I don't like to follow the crowd (if you are reading this, Patriots Ex, it wasn't me. Ahem).

Anyhoo, since I'm single again, I need to be kind of careful of who I take up with next. To do this in the easiest way possible, I've created an application to date me. Keep in mind, gentlemen, that I'm a girl who values football above nearly everything else in her life (including you!) and for that alone, I'm quite a catch. So do not delay, please send your applications today! Good ones will be taken into consideration; bad ones will be mocked here for everyone else to enjoy, from Jim Zorn to Clinton Portis (implying to me that the Redskins don't read their letters is grounds for immediate rejection). You may send all applications to me at redskinsuperfan [at] gmail.com.

You may begin:

1. Do you love football?

Yes, go to question 2.a.
No, please click here.

2.a. Is your favorite team the Redskins?

Yes, go to question 3.
No, go to question 2.b.

2.b. What is your favorite team? ________________

(If your answer is the Cowboys or the Eagles, click here. Any other choice may proceed to question 3).

(Multiple Choice)

3. Who is your favorite Redskin?

A. Sonny Jurgensen
B. Sammy Baugh
C. Sam Huff
D. Darrell Green
E. Art Monk
F. John Riggins
G. Clinton Portis
H. Sean Taylor
I. I can't decide, they're all awesome! (Click here)
J. I can't decide, you pick for me, Karen! (Click here)

4. Who is your least favorite Redskin?

A. Deion Sanders
B. Jeff George
C. Gus Frerotte
D. Joe Theisman
E. Rep. Heath Schuler (D-N.C.)
F. Michael Westbrook (Whatever happened to him anyway?)
G. Brandon Lloyd (Teach you to fall asleep and skip a team meeting!)
H. Andre Reed
I. Durant Brooks
J. Shaun Suisham (Let's get him kicked off the team together! Also, get it? KICKed off? Laugh, darn it!)

5. What is your idea of a perfect date?

A. Watching a Redskins game at a bar
B. Watching a Redskins game at home on your HD flatscreen TV
C. Watching a Redskins game at FedEx Field
D. Something unrelated to football / Redskins (click here)

6. Who was the best Redskins coach?

A. Vince Lombardi
B. George Allen
C. Saint Joe Gibbs
D. Tom Landry (click here)

7. How many Redskin players (past or present) call you a friend?

A. 0 (Out of the goodness of my heart, I'll still consider your application)
B. 1 (Yay! One more than me!)
C. 2-10 (Cool!)
D. 11+ (Marry me??)

8. Why do you hate the Cowboys?

A. All the law-breakers / ex-cons
B. I have no desire to be "Homo for Romo"
C. "America's Team?" Shouldn't America's team be from the CAPITOL of the USA?
D. I was (molested / held at gunpoint / mugged / shot at) by (name a Cowboy) and it still haunts me
E. Because the Redskins are better than them
F. I don't hate them (click here)

9. Scenario: We're at home watching the game and I finish my beer (before you because I'm awesome...and an alcoholic). I ask you for a new one. You:

A. Go get one for me mid-play
B. Wait until the play is over
C. Tell me to get it myself and make you a sandwich while I'm up (click here)
D. Wait for a commercial break
E. Tell me to slow down (click here)

10. Personal Essay: In 250 words or less (or more...I'm not going to count), tell me why you suck less than Dan Snyder and how that qualifies you to date me. Use complete sentences, proper grammar, and God help you if you misspell anything...because I sure won't.



If I do not respond to your application, it's either because it was rejected, I don't check my e-mail ever, or I just didn't give a crap. Good luck!

Love,

Karen

There Are Plenty of Lousy Kickers for You to Choose From

Dear Jim Zorn,

Rant. That is the answer to your question, "Am I going to get a rant or a rave today?" You are definitely getting a rant, but you should have expected this.

What the heck were you thinking? I was irritated to learn that the Redskins re-signed Shaun Suisham because it shows me that you want to lose by a field goal or two in each game this season. Awesome.

Here are things that we can look forward to with Shaun Suisham as our kicker:

1. Another reason to blame Canada for something. Go home, Suisham!!

2. You, Zorn, deciding, "Hey...this guy can't kick worth a damn, but why not let him try this 56-yarder? I know that he's in 35th place for field goals made (and that means that three teams have TWO kickers better than him), but I think we can do better. Last place or die trying! LOL!" Yes. I imagine that you use textspeak in casual conversation, tool.

3. Me throwing things at the TV every time we miss a field goal...I will bankrupt myself buying new TVs and then stalk you at Redskins Park until you reimburse me...because clearly it will be all your fault.

4. More rants from me. So. Maybe there IS a silver lining. Who doesn't love a good Karen!Rant? (I should probably copyright that before everyone wants to do their own Karen!Rants).

5. Me encouraging Redskins Brother to get a Suisham jersey like he threatened last season, thereby ensuring that Suisham will get injured or traded. Go ahead, Redskins Brother. Do your worst!

Seriously, Jim Zorn, there are PLENTY of lousy kickers out there for you to choose from. Can't you just get someone who doesn't suck quite as hard?

Starting the alliterative "Sign-up to Stop Shaun Suisham" petition,

Karen