Dear Mike Shanahan,
It may surprise you to learn that I actually enjoy watching good football. Every weekend during the greatest season next to Christmas, I spend about three hours watching a horrible, gut-wrenching game and then turn off the Redskins and watch a game (or two or three) where two better-than-mediocre teams come together and play their hardest. Players catch balls, run for first downs, and kickers even make field goals. It's beautiful and slightly enlarges my Grinch-sized black heart. Only slightly, though, because we can't get too carried away.
Anyway, I'm a little slow because I'm only just starting to expect a Redskins loss every week. Deep down in my aforementioned black heart, I truly thought that you wanted the team to win and that many of the players also wanted that. Sure, a lot of them suck hardcore, but we still have a few gems who I look forward to watching, like Ryan Torain, Brandon Banks, London Fletcher, and DeAngelo Hall. Do you know who is missing from that list? REX GROSSMAN.
I know that Donovan McNabb isn't that great. I wrote a lovely poem on Easter Sunday about how I didn't want him on our team, but everyone told me to give him a chance. "He's better than Jason Campbell!" I heard. Grudgingly, I decided to give McNabb a shot because he's our quarterback, though I'd like to point out that Campbell is ranked #20 for NFL quarterbacks and McNabb is at #25 (to be fair, though, Campbell would be much worse if he was still here. I think that the NFL has given him extra points to make up for all his years of suffering at the hands of Dan Snyder).
So maybe whether McNabb or Campbell is better this season is up for argument, but are Redskins fans seriously supposed to believe that anyone other than Rex Grossman himself believes he is the right direction for the 'Skins to take? I'd like to think that he's smart enough not to think that, either, but I'm probably wrong.
Ironically, since today is our game against the Cowboys, I feel like I'm watching an old episode of Dallas. Just like Season Eight's "dream season" where not a single episode mattered, not a single Rex Grossman-led game for Washington will matter, either. The hardest thing is knowing that Pam woke up from her horrible nightmare and I'm only starting mine.
Merry Christmas, Jerk,
Karen
P.S. Because of team loyalty, I will root for Rex Grossman to do well today. And if he surprises the entire universe and succeeds today and into next season, I'll get a Grossman jersey. I might have to scour my entire body after every time I wear it, but I'm willing to do it if it helps the Redskins win.
Showing posts with label Jason Campbell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jason Campbell. Show all posts
19 December 2010
02 November 2010
Let's All Vote NO Today
Dear Mike Shanahan,
Question: Does Karen think that bringing JaMarcus Russell to Washington, DC to do anything more strenuous than lift a cup of Purple Drank a good idea? Answer: No! No, no, NO! A million times NO!
I'm confused because I'm pretty sure that April Fools' Day is on April 1st every year and it never ever falls on November 2nd, but is there any other explanation for this atrocity?! I know that Donovan McNabb hasn't been the best quarterback that the Redskins have ever seen, but he's kind of the best that we've seen in a long time (sorry, Jason Campbell, but I'm not going to lie). He had that 45-yard run which was pretty sweet, you gotta admit. Right? Right? So why are you having Russell practice with the team? WHY?!
Hamstring issues aside, you can't possibly think that JaMarcus Russell is better than McNabb. It just doesn't make sense. The Oakland Raiders cut him! They think that Jason Campbell is a better player than Russell (again, sorry, Jason)!!! Even allowing that the Raiders suck and don't really know how to build a team anymore, isn't it likely that they know to drop the deadest of the dead weights (if it's unclear, I'm saying that Russell is that weight). I'll even take Rex Grossman over Russell and we all saw what he did on Sunday--and it wasn't pretty.
Haven't you punished us enough with Joey "Wait-you-want-me-to-catch-the-ball?" Galloway and Stephon "I-got-your-penalties-right-here" Heyer? Why must you threaten us with Mr. Purple Drank himself?
Voting NO on Russell this Election Day,
Karen
Question: Does Karen think that bringing JaMarcus Russell to Washington, DC to do anything more strenuous than lift a cup of Purple Drank a good idea? Answer: No! No, no, NO! A million times NO!
I'm confused because I'm pretty sure that April Fools' Day is on April 1st every year and it never ever falls on November 2nd, but is there any other explanation for this atrocity?! I know that Donovan McNabb hasn't been the best quarterback that the Redskins have ever seen, but he's kind of the best that we've seen in a long time (sorry, Jason Campbell, but I'm not going to lie). He had that 45-yard run which was pretty sweet, you gotta admit. Right? Right? So why are you having Russell practice with the team? WHY?!
Hamstring issues aside, you can't possibly think that JaMarcus Russell is better than McNabb. It just doesn't make sense. The Oakland Raiders cut him! They think that Jason Campbell is a better player than Russell (again, sorry, Jason)!!! Even allowing that the Raiders suck and don't really know how to build a team anymore, isn't it likely that they know to drop the deadest of the dead weights (if it's unclear, I'm saying that Russell is that weight). I'll even take Rex Grossman over Russell and we all saw what he did on Sunday--and it wasn't pretty.
Haven't you punished us enough with Joey "Wait-you-want-me-to-catch-the-ball?" Galloway and Stephon "I-got-your-penalties-right-here" Heyer? Why must you threaten us with Mr. Purple Drank himself?
Voting NO on Russell this Election Day,
Karen
29 October 2009
We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's
Dear Jim Zorn,
Surprise! I’m writing to you again. Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing? You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear. Burgundy has never looked so average.
While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual. In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins. Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).
Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:
Punt Return Average (29th/32): I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner. I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches. On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player. While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us. And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.
Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32): Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball. This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general. If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey. I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me. Can’t throw, people will sack me.” All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position. After his tenure here, I don’t blame him. I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.
Interception Rate (29th/32): This one is on the defense, of course. It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against. Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league. But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down? Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).
Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game. Do you know how that makes me feel? Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings. I want some pizza, dude.
Third Down Percentage (28th/32): We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time. This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week. I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE. Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that. I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it. He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line. Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.
Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long. I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.
Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,
Karen
Surprise! I’m writing to you again. Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing? You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear. Burgundy has never looked so average.
While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual. In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins. Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).
Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:
Punt Return Average (29th/32): I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner. I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches. On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player. While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us. And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.
Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32): Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball. This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general. If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey. I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me. Can’t throw, people will sack me.” All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position. After his tenure here, I don’t blame him. I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.
Interception Rate (29th/32): This one is on the defense, of course. It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against. Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league. But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down? Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).
Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game. Do you know how that makes me feel? Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings. I want some pizza, dude.
Third Down Percentage (28th/32): We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time. This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week. I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE. Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that. I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it. He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line. Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.
Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long. I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.
Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,
Karen
19 October 2009
Done. Kaput. Over.
Dear Jim Zorn,
Wow, tough break, guy. I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other. It's time to say good bye to the good old days. You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.
Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list. Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.
Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out. You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree. But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?
Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach. It just isn’t done. Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired. To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things. That had to hurt. But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done. Kaput. Over. The fat lady is singing.
Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach. Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move. The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding? You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.
Let me repeat that: they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally). If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.
Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt. I mean, seriously?! A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort! You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball. And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed. He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.
Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn. Maybe you should try it some time.
Not surprised that you’re in this position,
Karen
P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!
P.P.S. So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too. As a person, not as my quarterback. He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday. A negative two. NEGATIVE TWO.
Wow, tough break, guy. I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other. It's time to say good bye to the good old days. You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.
Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list. Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.
Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out. You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree. But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?
Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach. It just isn’t done. Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired. To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things. That had to hurt. But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done. Kaput. Over. The fat lady is singing.
Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach. Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move. The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding? You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.
Let me repeat that: they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally). If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.
Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt. I mean, seriously?! A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort! You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball. And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed. He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.
Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn. Maybe you should try it some time.
Not surprised that you’re in this position,
Karen
P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!
P.P.S. So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too. As a person, not as my quarterback. He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday. A negative two. NEGATIVE TWO.
29 September 2009
An 80-Yard Baby Bomb
Dear Jason Campbell,
By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you: I think that you’re super. You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with. I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.
But it might be time to face facts: you’re kind of not great at your job. Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching. Probably both. I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays. Was that true? If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?
Sorry. You probably can’t answer that. Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes. Like holding onto the ball. Here are some suggestions:
1. The oldest trick in the book: glue your hands/gloves to the ball.
2. Nail/staple your hands to the ball. It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.
3. Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop. Like a baby. You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason? This seems like the best plan ever. It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities. Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.
Jason, I’m telling you as astalker friend, that your days are numbered. Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you. Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan. Please start playing better. I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.
Love,
Karen
By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you: I think that you’re super. You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with. I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.
But it might be time to face facts: you’re kind of not great at your job. Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching. Probably both. I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays. Was that true? If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?
Sorry. You probably can’t answer that. Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes. Like holding onto the ball. Here are some suggestions:
1. The oldest trick in the book: glue your hands/gloves to the ball.
2. Nail/staple your hands to the ball. It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.
3. Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop. Like a baby. You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason? This seems like the best plan ever. It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities. Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.
Jason, I’m telling you as a
Love,
Karen
05 September 2009
I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show
Dear Jim Zorn,
Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.
You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.
My Suggestions*:
--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.
--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.
--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.
--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.
--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!
--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!
--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.
--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.
Random Thoughts:
--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?
--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.
--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.
--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.
--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.
--Yep. Still afraid.
--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.
In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.
Karen
*Demands
Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.
You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.
My Suggestions*:
--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.
--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.
--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.
--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.
--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!
--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!
--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.
--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.
Random Thoughts:
--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?
--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.
--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.
--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.
--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.
--Yep. Still afraid.
--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.
In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.
Karen
*Demands
16 January 2009
The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (The Jim Zorn Story)
Dear Jim Zorn,
Isn't it funny that the two teams heading for the NFC Championship were both beaten by the Redskins? I think it's funny. I laugh myself to sleep every night thinking about how great we were at the beginning of the season and how things ended up.
And that's what I'd like to get into now: what changed, Zorn? The best explanation that I've heard, and repeated to anyone who'll stand and talk to me for more than two minutes at a time, is that after our first loss to the Giants, you let Jason Campbell call more audibles on the field and have more control. Then when the guys started winning those games (and getting JINXED by the media who was finally recognizing the 'Skins' awesomeness), you decided that if Jason Campbell can call a play, anyone can do it! Including you! So then you started calling all the plays from the sidelines and the Redskins started losing. I'm going to write a song about it one day, entitled, "The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (Because of Jim Zorn's Plays);" this won't be a funny song, Coach...nor rhymeable (assuming that's a word).
I don't know if this is the true story, but I like it. It paints Jason Campbell in a nice light and it puts all the blame where it belongs: on you. Aw, don't cry; I do like you, Jim Zorn. I think that you might even be a much better coach next season. You'll have to be; Dan Snyder doesn't keep losers on his team.
Have a great weekend!
Karen
Isn't it funny that the two teams heading for the NFC Championship were both beaten by the Redskins? I think it's funny. I laugh myself to sleep every night thinking about how great we were at the beginning of the season and how things ended up.
And that's what I'd like to get into now: what changed, Zorn? The best explanation that I've heard, and repeated to anyone who'll stand and talk to me for more than two minutes at a time, is that after our first loss to the Giants, you let Jason Campbell call more audibles on the field and have more control. Then when the guys started winning those games (and getting JINXED by the media who was finally recognizing the 'Skins' awesomeness), you decided that if Jason Campbell can call a play, anyone can do it! Including you! So then you started calling all the plays from the sidelines and the Redskins started losing. I'm going to write a song about it one day, entitled, "The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (Because of Jim Zorn's Plays);" this won't be a funny song, Coach...nor rhymeable (assuming that's a word).
I don't know if this is the true story, but I like it. It paints Jason Campbell in a nice light and it puts all the blame where it belongs: on you. Aw, don't cry; I do like you, Jim Zorn. I think that you might even be a much better coach next season. You'll have to be; Dan Snyder doesn't keep losers on his team.
Have a great weekend!
Karen
09 December 2008
You've Been Truthed!
Dear Jim Zorn,
You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.
But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):
1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?
2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.
3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?
4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!
No Regards,
Karen
P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.
You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.
But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):
1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?
2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.
3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?
4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!
No Regards,
Karen
P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.
01 December 2008
Bet You Want to Know What We Call Mangini and Reid!
Dear Jim Zorn,
I made a list of all the crappy things that your guys did yesterday, but I don't have it on me right now so I guess that I'll have to wing it. Kinda like what you did yesterday with your playbook.
We are never going to make the playoffs if we can't convert on third downs!!!! I simply do not understand why Jason Campbell throws to players inside the first down line when we're on third down. It makes absolutely no sense. Even if one of our guys catches the ball, he's usually brought down immediately, making sure that we have to punt the ball away.
Here's another problem: Shaun Suisham. I know that it's easy to blame things on the kicker (remember: kickers aren't people like us), but it's especially easy when he misses a field goal in almost every game. I've defended him for too long and you know what I've gotten out of it? Not field goals. He's missed eight field goals this season, and missed one in each of the last three games. That's a 72.4% success rate which translates to a D+ in Fairfax County Public Schools. That's the best that you guys can do? A D+? Awesome.
And how about those penalties? There's nothing better when you're losing than to shoot yourself in the foot, too. Kind of like when the Redskins are losing and I try to pick a fight with Patriots Boyfriend even though he won't fight with me when I have the craaaazy eyes (It's fun...I say things like Eric Mangini is a great guy and Bill Belichick is a terrible person and a cheater...which reminds me that Patriots Boyfriend wants the world to know that he hates Mangini with a fiery passion, but I can't repeat here what he calls him because it's wildly inappropriate. I said it about Andy Reid yesterday, though, and I don't think that Patriots Boyfriend had ever been so proud of me).
Sigh. You disappoint me very much, Zorn.
Keeping from Weeping,
Karen
P.S. Heard on WMZQ this morning from DJ Brian Egan (regarding Malcolm Kelly and how he and the "young guys" can't catch any balls: "He can't even catch a cold!" I laughed.
I made a list of all the crappy things that your guys did yesterday, but I don't have it on me right now so I guess that I'll have to wing it. Kinda like what you did yesterday with your playbook.
We are never going to make the playoffs if we can't convert on third downs!!!! I simply do not understand why Jason Campbell throws to players inside the first down line when we're on third down. It makes absolutely no sense. Even if one of our guys catches the ball, he's usually brought down immediately, making sure that we have to punt the ball away.
Here's another problem: Shaun Suisham. I know that it's easy to blame things on the kicker (remember: kickers aren't people like us), but it's especially easy when he misses a field goal in almost every game. I've defended him for too long and you know what I've gotten out of it? Not field goals. He's missed eight field goals this season, and missed one in each of the last three games. That's a 72.4% success rate which translates to a D+ in Fairfax County Public Schools. That's the best that you guys can do? A D+? Awesome.
And how about those penalties? There's nothing better when you're losing than to shoot yourself in the foot, too. Kind of like when the Redskins are losing and I try to pick a fight with Patriots Boyfriend even though he won't fight with me when I have the craaaazy eyes (It's fun...I say things like Eric Mangini is a great guy and Bill Belichick is a terrible person and a cheater...which reminds me that Patriots Boyfriend wants the world to know that he hates Mangini with a fiery passion, but I can't repeat here what he calls him because it's wildly inappropriate. I said it about Andy Reid yesterday, though, and I don't think that Patriots Boyfriend had ever been so proud of me).
Sigh. You disappoint me very much, Zorn.
Keeping from Weeping,
Karen
P.S. Heard on WMZQ this morning from DJ Brian Egan (regarding Malcolm Kelly and how he and the "young guys" can't catch any balls: "He can't even catch a cold!" I laughed.
19 November 2008
Paint My SUV!
Dear Jim Zorn,
What the hell, man? We lost to Dallas because you didn't hate them enough. It's like you just stood back there on the sidelines going, "Well, boys, we beat them last time so it's their turn to beat us. Now stop intercepting Romo's passes!" I don't mind telling you, Coach, that that is not a great gameplan. In fact, it's a terrible one.
It's bad enough that Redskin fans have to deal with seeing Cowboys fans everywhere we go. We shouldn't have to lose to them, too! I mean, sure we beat them in some areas; like you are a much better looking coach than Wade Phillips. Jason Campbell generally doesn't look as foolish as Tony Romo, Terrell Owens is a much bigger jerk than any of the Redskins, blah blah blah.
But that doesn't change the fact that we scored fewer points and lost the game. I'm pretty displeased and I think that you know it. Here are some things that you can do to get in my good graces again:
1. Win. It sounds complex, I know, but isn't that hard. I mean, the Tennessee Titans are doing it every week and we all know that THEY can't be better than us.
2. Paint my car burgundy with gold trim and require each starting Redskin to paint their own original picture on the hood and doors. Don't worry; I have an SUV so there's plenty of room.
3. Have the team clean my apartment. I win by not having to do it myself (or beg Patriots Boyfriend to do it for me) and you win by finding a unique punishment for the team members who screwed up on Sunday night.
4. Give referree Jeff Triplett a noogie for me. Not only will I enjoy it, but fans everywhere will. He kinds sucks as a ref, doesn't he? I bet that if you get fined, Tom Cruise's best gal pal will pay you back. He loves it when people are jerks...especially him!
You may choose any of my suggestions. I don't have a preference.
Get Better at Coaching Soon!
Karen
P.S. The Seahawks suck. If we lose to them, you're dead to me. If we beat them, though, it means nothing because we SHOULD beat them. Beat the Giants and maybe people will like you again.
What the hell, man? We lost to Dallas because you didn't hate them enough. It's like you just stood back there on the sidelines going, "Well, boys, we beat them last time so it's their turn to beat us. Now stop intercepting Romo's passes!" I don't mind telling you, Coach, that that is not a great gameplan. In fact, it's a terrible one.
It's bad enough that Redskin fans have to deal with seeing Cowboys fans everywhere we go. We shouldn't have to lose to them, too! I mean, sure we beat them in some areas; like you are a much better looking coach than Wade Phillips. Jason Campbell generally doesn't look as foolish as Tony Romo, Terrell Owens is a much bigger jerk than any of the Redskins, blah blah blah.
But that doesn't change the fact that we scored fewer points and lost the game. I'm pretty displeased and I think that you know it. Here are some things that you can do to get in my good graces again:
1. Win. It sounds complex, I know, but isn't that hard. I mean, the Tennessee Titans are doing it every week and we all know that THEY can't be better than us.
2. Paint my car burgundy with gold trim and require each starting Redskin to paint their own original picture on the hood and doors. Don't worry; I have an SUV so there's plenty of room.
3. Have the team clean my apartment. I win by not having to do it myself (or beg Patriots Boyfriend to do it for me) and you win by finding a unique punishment for the team members who screwed up on Sunday night.
4. Give referree Jeff Triplett a noogie for me. Not only will I enjoy it, but fans everywhere will. He kinds sucks as a ref, doesn't he? I bet that if you get fined, Tom Cruise's best gal pal will pay you back. He loves it when people are jerks...especially him!
You may choose any of my suggestions. I don't have a preference.
Get Better at Coaching Soon!
Karen
P.S. The Seahawks suck. If we lose to them, you're dead to me. If we beat them, though, it means nothing because we SHOULD beat them. Beat the Giants and maybe people will like you again.
18 November 2008
"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?"
Dear Jason Campbell,
We have a problem. I could say that the problem is you, but it's not. You're doing okay. Just okay, though; don't go getting cocky. Redskins Dad blames you, but he's a Hater. Here's what he has to (um, wrongly) say:
1. On third downs, you need to stop throwing the ball to people who are several yards away from the first down line. Even when they catch the ball, they're tackled before they can get there. Now I love an exciting fourth-and-one situation as much as the next Redskin SuperFan (except...I'm the only one! At least I'm the only one clever enough to get a gmail account advertising it), but I don't enjoy being in the position where we have to decide to go for it or punt.
2. You shouldn't be quarterback. This is why Redskins Dad is a hater and why I'm totally going to stop speaking to him after I get all my Christmas gifts...or maybe I'll wait until after my birthday (April 8th! Buy me a drink!). Jason, I think that you can be a terrific quarterback. Maybe you'll never be Brett Favre or John Elway, but you'll also never be Ryan Leaf or Matt Cassell (take THAT, Patriots Boyfriend!).
Anyway, I told Redskins Dad that it's not your fault if your coach calls lousy plays. You're welcome.
Until you get a few more wins, though, you're going to have to deal with Haters. I work with a guy who calls himself a Redskin fan...but he's really a Hater. Week after week he gets to go to the games for free (yes, I'm bitter!) and comes into work on Monday (or Tuesday) with more complaints! It's always, "I'm disappointed" or "They suck" or "I'm gay." Yep. One's sexuality is determined by how much he or she roots for the Redskins. This is what brought on the whole "Homo for Romo" phenomenon in Dallas.
"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?" you might ask. Well, I'm GLAD you asked.
1. A Hater claims to love the Redskins, but bashes them at every opportunity. If you say "Good morning!" a Hater replies, "I'm not rooting for the Redskins anymore."
2. When you stick up for your team because you actually know what true loyalty is, Haters will snarkily tell you to stop kidding yourself. They will also claim that "snark" isn't a word. If you offer to get a dictionary, they won't let you because they know that you are right (especially when you're a freaking editor)!
3. A Hater won't admit that the Redskins did anything well. When you point out that interception by DeAngelo Hall and how great it was, the Hater will refuse to give him any credit. A Hater will reply that if Hall caught more interceptions, maybe the Redskins wouldn't have lost (...sometimes it's difficult to argue with facts like that, but Haters still suck for their disloyalty).
4. A Hater will complain that they got "nothing" from sitting out for several hours in the cold while at the game (seriously...they will...Redskins Hater just came up and said it after reading over my shoulder). You know what, though? There are tons of LOYAL fans that would LOVE to get FREE tickets to Redskin games and would never complain about sitting in the cold, supporting the team that they adore.
There you have it, Jason Campbell. That's what a Hater is. How can you avoid a Hater? Well, don't come to my office and don't go to my parents' house. But you can come to my apartment in Ashburn after practice anytime you like. I'll give you beer and homemade party mix and I promise not to burn it. Invite any of the rest of the guys, too. There's room for you all if no more than thirteen of you want to sit down.
Love,
Karen
We have a problem. I could say that the problem is you, but it's not. You're doing okay. Just okay, though; don't go getting cocky. Redskins Dad blames you, but he's a Hater. Here's what he has to (um, wrongly) say:
1. On third downs, you need to stop throwing the ball to people who are several yards away from the first down line. Even when they catch the ball, they're tackled before they can get there. Now I love an exciting fourth-and-one situation as much as the next Redskin SuperFan (except...I'm the only one! At least I'm the only one clever enough to get a gmail account advertising it), but I don't enjoy being in the position where we have to decide to go for it or punt.
2. You shouldn't be quarterback. This is why Redskins Dad is a hater and why I'm totally going to stop speaking to him after I get all my Christmas gifts...or maybe I'll wait until after my birthday (April 8th! Buy me a drink!). Jason, I think that you can be a terrific quarterback. Maybe you'll never be Brett Favre or John Elway, but you'll also never be Ryan Leaf or Matt Cassell (take THAT, Patriots Boyfriend!).
Anyway, I told Redskins Dad that it's not your fault if your coach calls lousy plays. You're welcome.
Until you get a few more wins, though, you're going to have to deal with Haters. I work with a guy who calls himself a Redskin fan...but he's really a Hater. Week after week he gets to go to the games for free (yes, I'm bitter!) and comes into work on Monday (or Tuesday) with more complaints! It's always, "I'm disappointed" or "They suck" or "I'm gay." Yep. One's sexuality is determined by how much he or she roots for the Redskins. This is what brought on the whole "Homo for Romo" phenomenon in Dallas.
"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?" you might ask. Well, I'm GLAD you asked.
1. A Hater claims to love the Redskins, but bashes them at every opportunity. If you say "Good morning!" a Hater replies, "I'm not rooting for the Redskins anymore."
2. When you stick up for your team because you actually know what true loyalty is, Haters will snarkily tell you to stop kidding yourself. They will also claim that "snark" isn't a word. If you offer to get a dictionary, they won't let you because they know that you are right (especially when you're a freaking editor)!
3. A Hater won't admit that the Redskins did anything well. When you point out that interception by DeAngelo Hall and how great it was, the Hater will refuse to give him any credit. A Hater will reply that if Hall caught more interceptions, maybe the Redskins wouldn't have lost (...sometimes it's difficult to argue with facts like that, but Haters still suck for their disloyalty).
4. A Hater will complain that they got "nothing" from sitting out for several hours in the cold while at the game (seriously...they will...Redskins Hater just came up and said it after reading over my shoulder). You know what, though? There are tons of LOYAL fans that would LOVE to get FREE tickets to Redskin games and would never complain about sitting in the cold, supporting the team that they adore.
There you have it, Jason Campbell. That's what a Hater is. How can you avoid a Hater? Well, don't come to my office and don't go to my parents' house. But you can come to my apartment in Ashburn after practice anytime you like. I'll give you beer and homemade party mix and I promise not to burn it. Invite any of the rest of the guys, too. There's room for you all if no more than thirteen of you want to sit down.
Love,
Karen
30 October 2008
Italian Beef Everywhere!!!
Dear Jason Campbell,
What's with the fumbles, Jason? I have to know. You were doing so well for so many games and now look at you.
It's hard for me to make fun of you, though, because you just seem so nice and you always look like you KNOW that you messed up. Other guys would laugh it off and I'd scream at them through the TV, but not you. You show a great balance of taking the blame while still soldiering on.
Monday night is a big game. Perhaps you didn't know, but the Redskins have accurately predicted the winner of the popular vote for the last seventeen elections. Actually, in my not-so-humble opinion, they've predicted the winner flat out. You see, Jason, the last Redskins home game prior to the election determines the election results: if the Redskins win, so does the incumbent party. Likewise, if the Redskins lose, the incumbent party loses. Only one time was the winner not accurately predicted; let's review:
It was October 31, 2004, and we were playing the Green Bay Packers on a Sunday afternoon. I'd already insisted to my Packers Friend that she needed to root for the Redskins if she wanted President George W. Bush to win again, though to this day I'm not sure if I convinced her. Maybe it was the George W. Bush thing. Anyway, I watched in horror as the Redskins were falsely penalized right and left for a total of 82 yards...okay, maybe not every single penalty was a mistake, but I still remember my outrage from that game, so I'm pretty sure that some of them were bad calls. Anyway, when the game was done I swore up and down the the president would be re-elected (don't judge me--he didn't suck as much then) because the Redskins SHOULD HAVE won.
And I was right. He did win. And the Redskins should have won.
So what does this mean for Monday night? Well, here it is: I don't know your political affiliations, but you can't lose this game on purpose just because you don't want a President McCain. I don't care if Barack Obama (haha...I typed O'Bama accidentally...he could be our first black Irish president!) is your brother or cousin (well...you're both black, so there's a chance, right? Bill Gates and I are both white and I keep writing to him, asking for money for me, his cousin, but he ignores me: www.letterstobillgates.com), you still can't throw a game. Also, Obama is a Chicago Bears fan and do we really want someone like that in the White House? There'll be Italian beef everywhere!!! Hmm...maybe that wouldn't be so bad.
Anyhoo, don't throw the game! And congrats on half a season without an interception! You're doing great, so work on not fumbling.
Thanks!
Karen
What's with the fumbles, Jason? I have to know. You were doing so well for so many games and now look at you.
It's hard for me to make fun of you, though, because you just seem so nice and you always look like you KNOW that you messed up. Other guys would laugh it off and I'd scream at them through the TV, but not you. You show a great balance of taking the blame while still soldiering on.
Monday night is a big game. Perhaps you didn't know, but the Redskins have accurately predicted the winner of the popular vote for the last seventeen elections. Actually, in my not-so-humble opinion, they've predicted the winner flat out. You see, Jason, the last Redskins home game prior to the election determines the election results: if the Redskins win, so does the incumbent party. Likewise, if the Redskins lose, the incumbent party loses. Only one time was the winner not accurately predicted; let's review:
It was October 31, 2004, and we were playing the Green Bay Packers on a Sunday afternoon. I'd already insisted to my Packers Friend that she needed to root for the Redskins if she wanted President George W. Bush to win again, though to this day I'm not sure if I convinced her. Maybe it was the George W. Bush thing. Anyway, I watched in horror as the Redskins were falsely penalized right and left for a total of 82 yards...okay, maybe not every single penalty was a mistake, but I still remember my outrage from that game, so I'm pretty sure that some of them were bad calls. Anyway, when the game was done I swore up and down the the president would be re-elected (don't judge me--he didn't suck as much then) because the Redskins SHOULD HAVE won.
And I was right. He did win. And the Redskins should have won.
So what does this mean for Monday night? Well, here it is: I don't know your political affiliations, but you can't lose this game on purpose just because you don't want a President McCain. I don't care if Barack Obama (haha...I typed O'Bama accidentally...he could be our first black Irish president!) is your brother or cousin (well...you're both black, so there's a chance, right? Bill Gates and I are both white and I keep writing to him, asking for money for me, his cousin, but he ignores me: www.letterstobillgates.com), you still can't throw a game. Also, Obama is a Chicago Bears fan and do we really want someone like that in the White House? There'll be Italian beef everywhere!!! Hmm...maybe that wouldn't be so bad.
Anyhoo, don't throw the game! And congrats on half a season without an interception! You're doing great, so work on not fumbling.
Thanks!
Karen
13 October 2008
The Only Turnovers I Like Have Apples in Them!
Dear Jim Zorn,
The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:
Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".
Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.
Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!
Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.
Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).
Still Angry with You,
Karen
P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.
The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:
Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".
Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.
Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!
Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.
Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).
Still Angry with You,
Karen
P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.
06 October 2008
Leave it to the Gecko
Dear Jason Campbell,
Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.
Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.
NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:
1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.
2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.
3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!
Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.
Love,
Karen
P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.
Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.
Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.
NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:
1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.
2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.
3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!
Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.
Love,
Karen
P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.
29 September 2008
Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys/Losers
Dear Jim Zorn,
Wow. I'm so happy. Yesterday afternoon I put on my Clinton Portis jersey and my lucky jeans and was ready for the game. Patriots Boyfriend was over to watch because the Pats didn't play this week (Patriots Boyfriend was glad because this meant that they couldn't lose!). I burned some party mix and sat down to enjoy the game.
Here are the things that I liked:
1. That you put Chris Horton in (I accidentally typed "Christ" instead of "Chris" at first...Freudian slip??) and he got that interception. Thanks for not relying solely on Reed Doughty (weird...I just googled him to check the spelling of his name, and the search term "reed doughty jersey" came up. Who on earth would want one of those? Maybe his mom).
2. Santana Moss got the ball a lot. I told my buddy at work to look for Moss to be awesome during this game and I was right, so thanks for that.
3. Jason Campbell isn't turning the ball over! Hasn't this whole season! Yay!
4. That you show emotion on the field. It gives me something more to look at than just your tan. Your AWESOME tan. (Patriots Boyfriend: "How does Jim Zorn get so tan?" Me: "Um. He's outside a lot." Patriots Boyfriend: "It's not THAT sunny out." Me: Yes, it is! Go back to Connecticut and freeze to death!")
Here are the things that I didn't like:
1. Casey freaking Rabach. Penalties on TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! This wasn't YOUR fault, but I'm still mad.
2. What the hell was with trying not to lose in the fourth quarter rather than trying to WIN? Always go for the touchdown rather than the field goal.
3. Your dumb "Hip, hip, hooray" cheer in the locker room after winning. You couldn't do better than that?
4. You still don't seem to have the requisite hatred toward the Cowboys yet. Get on that!
Anyway, I'm going to start being a little kinder to you now that we're #2 in the NFC East and we beat the Cowboys in Texas. Please keep up the good work.
Thanks!
Karen
Wow. I'm so happy. Yesterday afternoon I put on my Clinton Portis jersey and my lucky jeans and was ready for the game. Patriots Boyfriend was over to watch because the Pats didn't play this week (Patriots Boyfriend was glad because this meant that they couldn't lose!). I burned some party mix and sat down to enjoy the game.
Here are the things that I liked:
1. That you put Chris Horton in (I accidentally typed "Christ" instead of "Chris" at first...Freudian slip??) and he got that interception. Thanks for not relying solely on Reed Doughty (weird...I just googled him to check the spelling of his name, and the search term "reed doughty jersey" came up. Who on earth would want one of those? Maybe his mom).
2. Santana Moss got the ball a lot. I told my buddy at work to look for Moss to be awesome during this game and I was right, so thanks for that.
3. Jason Campbell isn't turning the ball over! Hasn't this whole season! Yay!
4. That you show emotion on the field. It gives me something more to look at than just your tan. Your AWESOME tan. (Patriots Boyfriend: "How does Jim Zorn get so tan?" Me: "Um. He's outside a lot." Patriots Boyfriend: "It's not THAT sunny out." Me: Yes, it is! Go back to Connecticut and freeze to death!")
Here are the things that I didn't like:
1. Casey freaking Rabach. Penalties on TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! This wasn't YOUR fault, but I'm still mad.
2. What the hell was with trying not to lose in the fourth quarter rather than trying to WIN? Always go for the touchdown rather than the field goal.
3. Your dumb "Hip, hip, hooray" cheer in the locker room after winning. You couldn't do better than that?
4. You still don't seem to have the requisite hatred toward the Cowboys yet. Get on that!
Anyway, I'm going to start being a little kinder to you now that we're #2 in the NFC East and we beat the Cowboys in Texas. Please keep up the good work.
Thanks!
Karen
15 September 2008
You Need a New Kicker
Dear Jim Zorn,
You need a new kicker. I have a very good reason for this and it's not because Shaun Suisham is Canadian. It's not even because he missed TWO field goals yesterday. No, it's for a much more sinister reason than that, but you won't believe me until something bad happens.
My brother thinks that he's a Super Fan, too, but he's not. Whenever he gets a jersey of a Redskin, that player starts sucking big time, and leaves the 'Skins due to trading or injury. He does not have a single current jersey because of this, even though he owns over ten. You'd think he'd learn his lesson and accept that he's jinxed, but he's not terribly bright so he keeps it up. Case in point, this weekend he asks me, "Karen, do you mind if I get a Shaun Suisham jersey?"
I flipped out on him and let him know in no uncertain terms that I mind a lot. He never listens to me, though, so he'll probably get one soon. I'll let you know as soon as that happens so that you can bench Suisham, but for now be on the lookout for a new guy.
Sincerely,
Karen
P.S. I loved Jason Campbell's 67-yard bomb to Santana Moss. It made me squeal. Maybe you don't suck after all.
You need a new kicker. I have a very good reason for this and it's not because Shaun Suisham is Canadian. It's not even because he missed TWO field goals yesterday. No, it's for a much more sinister reason than that, but you won't believe me until something bad happens.
My brother thinks that he's a Super Fan, too, but he's not. Whenever he gets a jersey of a Redskin, that player starts sucking big time, and leaves the 'Skins due to trading or injury. He does not have a single current jersey because of this, even though he owns over ten. You'd think he'd learn his lesson and accept that he's jinxed, but he's not terribly bright so he keeps it up. Case in point, this weekend he asks me, "Karen, do you mind if I get a Shaun Suisham jersey?"
I flipped out on him and let him know in no uncertain terms that I mind a lot. He never listens to me, though, so he'll probably get one soon. I'll let you know as soon as that happens so that you can bench Suisham, but for now be on the lookout for a new guy.
Sincerely,
Karen
P.S. I loved Jason Campbell's 67-yard bomb to Santana Moss. It made me squeal. Maybe you don't suck after all.
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