Don't be a Hero, Pete

Dear Pete Kendall,

Okay, I feel bad for you. I know that you weren't trying to give away the game to the Rams, but guess what? You did. You and Durant Brooks, our former (yay!) punter.

Here's the thing: I know that your position is rough. You're a guard. You never get the glory, the money, the swag, or the panties thrown at you from adoring fans. I get it! You want to be a rockstar on the field. I wanted to be a rockstar on the field during PowderPuff football back in high school, but instead I got to stand around gossiping while the football players/our coaches put their girlfriends in the game instead. I'm not bitter or anything, though. Anyway, you and I will never be rockstars, but at least you get to go out there and hang out with the rockstars on offense! You lucky thing, you! I know that you said that you had no "delusions of grandeur", but let's face it: you tried to move the ball knowing nothing about how to hold onto it.

Shoot. I think that I could've hung onto the ball at least...you know, until I was snapped like a twig.

All right. I'm going to let you go so that you can get back to practice, as you need a lot of it. From now on, don't be a hero, Pete.

Sincerely?

Karen

The Only Turnovers I Like Have Apples in Them!

Dear Jim Zorn,

The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:

Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".

Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.

Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!

Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.

Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).

Still Angry with You,

Karen

P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.