I'm Going To Suggest Seclusion

Dear Vinny,

May I call you Vinny?  Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t really care.  I am ecstatic that you have resigned.  I mean, it’s kind of seriously making my day right now…and my Christmas!  What was the last thing that I put in my “Joy to the World: Shaun Suisham’s Fired” song?  Something like, “I hope that Cerrato is fired next!”  Yeah.  Well, you weren’t fired, but I’m fairly positive that you were given the “resign or I’m firing you” ultimatum from Danny Boy.

You might wonder where you go from here.  I’m going to suggest seclusion where you’ll have time to grow a beard, put in some colored contacts, maybe gain fifty pounds and reinvent yourself.  No one will have to know that you were one of the worst General Managers in Redskins history—nay, football history itself.  You should have been fired or resigned directly after you wasted a draft pick on a punter.  And a terrible punter at that.  Durant Brooks.  I still hate that guy (note:  I realize that I have a weird, but all-consuming contempt for kickers/punters.  I have no idea why this is because I’ve never dated or been supremely wronged by one in my life.  My brother was a high school kicker and even though I still make fun of him for it, I’m unable to identify exactly what makes me do it.  In twenty years I’ll probably end up in therapy uncovering a repressed memory of a professional kicker stealing a lollipop from my three-year old hands).

Because I love to wax poetic, here is an acrostic poem for you (one of the easiest kinds):

Very
Ineffective
Nerdy and
Never going to succeed
You suck

I’m pretty sure that I speak for all of Washington, DC:  hit the road, Vinny, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.

Wondering who to pick on next,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Karen

Blah Blah Blah

Dear Vinny Cerrato,

I don't have much to say to you, really. I heard on Redskins Nation the other day from Larry Michael that this was your first year choosing players or blah blah blah why we should give you a break about sucking.

I will not give you a break. Wanna know why? Two words: Durant Brooks.

Where is Joe Gibbs when we need him?

Have a great weekend!

Karen

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen

Your Glory Days Are Behind You

Dear Shaun Alexander,

So I'm not too sure why Jim Zorn wanted you on his team. I heard somewhere that you used to be good, but I've seen nothing to indicate that since you arrived. Dan Snyder has a habit of signing guys to the Redskins whose glory days are behind them and I think that's the case here, too. You will follow in the ranks of Deion Sanders (ugh...everytime a Cowboy wears a Redskins jersey a litter of kittens drown) and all the rest. Redskins Hater wants me to include Jason Taylor in this list, but that's too early to be seen--I mean, he's been injured for so much of the season. But that doesn't keep him from dancing. Does it?

Anyhoo, please start playing better. Keep in mind what happened to Durant Brooks and Leigh Torrence....

Ominously yours,

Karen

By "Job" I Mean "Paid for Sunbathing"

Dear Jim Zorn,

Are you playing Clinton Portis or not? Enquiring minds (just mine) want to know! Can you just tell ME? I promise that I won't tell anyone else. See, the thing is, I'm freaking out a little here. It could be all the Red Bull-and-vodkas I've had or it could be my insecurity over the Redskins' skills. It's a toss up. Anti-Redskins Best Friend would say it's the vodka, but she's wrong about anything that's sports-related, so there you go. Always wrong.

I recently (like ten minutes ago) read something from some Dallas newspaper saying that the Cowboys are assuming that CP is playing. Now, I want him to play more than you do (I do!!!), but I also don't like any Cowboys being right. So I don't even know what to pray for (I also hate ending sentences with prepositions, but what am I going to do? Besides, I doubt that most people who read this know what prepositions are). Anyway, I want Portis to play. I also want to screw with the Cowboys. I'm sure that there is a way that both of these things can happen. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have Clinton Portis dress up in a Durant Brooks jersey. The Cowboys are too stupid to know that he's not our punter anymore; Portis can kick and even catch the ball all by himself, even though that's not really his job. That's how good he is.

2. Instead of instant replays, show local Clinton Portis commercials on the Jumbotron. The Cowboys will be confused. How can he be on that screen and be at the game at the same time? That doesn't seem possible. Clearly, he can't be playing. Foolish Cowboys.

3. Clinton Portis should play poorly for the first half and lull the Cowboys into a false sense of security (just like Anti-Redskins Best Friend's bunny rabbit does before she scratches the hell out of me) and then when the third quarter starts--BAM!! He goes crazy and gets mad yardage and schools the Cowboys. I will buy the DVD of that game. I will even start the bidding at $1 billion dollars. Anyone want to beat that? I doubt it. I win.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, you should tell the world that Portis isn't playing, and then at the last minute, tell the world that they are idiots for believing you because Clinton Portis is the man and he'll be there. At the game. Winning it for Washington. All Redskin fans will bow down before you and even worship you in a creepy way if you beat Dallas TWICE in your first season of coaching. Also, two wins against Dallas = five free years of coaching. You'll have' a job for years!!! I wish I had a job for years. And by "job" I mean, "paid for sunbathing".

You know about sunbathing, right? At least you're familiar with tanning beds. Patriots Boyfriend still asks me about that. And I still hit him. Until he hits back. Sigh.

Beat Dallas!!

Karen

Thanks for Listening!

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm sorry. We came close to losing yesterday and it's my fault: I didn't wear my jersey or my lucky jeans.

Come to think of it, this is Patriots Boyfriend's fault. He ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I had to go with him, making me unable to wear my lucky jeans. Anyway, because he actually finished the race (03:48:53!!!!!) we knew that we couldn't get to Ashburn by game time, so we went to a bar in Rosslyn instead. Anyway, Patriots Boyfriend is apparently great at running marathons and I'd suggest that you hire him except that as a Patriots fan, he is clearly untrustworthy. This is why there is a combination lock on my fridge; if he wants milk, he has to buy the cow first.

Since we won, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. Also, Redskins Dad told me that I'm being too mean. I told him that he's worthless and a horrible father and doesn't know what he's talking about. (Me? Mean?! Bah!) Then I decided that if you listened to anything I say ever, I could tone down the snark.

And you did! In a letter to former (yay!) punter Durant Brooks, I said not to let Antwaan Randle-El do punt returns because he's bad at it. You MUST remember because you listened to me (even though you shouldn't be reading another person's mail--no matter how bad a player he was). Thanks for putting Moss in because Santana Claus brought us an awesome gift with that 80-yard punt return.

Anyhoo, please beat the Steelers on Monday night. Or you'll be hearing from me.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. Check out my awesome new header! My work buddy, JR, created it for me! Thanks, JR!

For Shame, Jim Zorn

Dear Jim Zorn,

What's the deal with getting all these (well, two) former Seattle Seahawks on our team? I mean, Ryan Plackemeier is much better than Durant Brooks, but so is everybody else. I bet that Sonny Jurgenson could suit up and beat the crap out of Durant Brooks, blindfolded. Sonny is sort of my hero (reports of drunk driving nonwithstanding). A commenter on this esteemed blog (it's esteemed by me!) questioned why we picked up that hack Shaun Alexander instead of young, fresh, awesome Marcus Mason. I wonder, too.

Mason is absolutely great. Maybe he's not a Chris Horton and maybe he was only absolutely great against second- and third-string opposing players during preseason, but shouldn't that have have been enough to secure a position with us? I mean, really, when you were looking at all the rookies that you drafted, you decided that Durant Brooks was a winner and Marcus Mason, with his crazy breakaways and awesome yardage, just didn't have what it takes?

I don't care if Shaun Alexander knows your offense already; if you'd kept Mason on from the beginning, he would not only know the offense, but he'd also have been practicing with Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts and learning from them. Now Mason is on the Baltimore Ravens' practice squad and if that's not a horrible place to be, I don't know what is (besides Dallas and Philadelphia).

For shame, Jim Zorn. For shame.

Disappointed in You,

Karen

P.S. You should know that some important people might be reading this blog. The CBS announcers on Sunday said some of the very things during their in-game commentary that I've said in my letters! Like the thing about not reading Chris Horton's name because his hair covers the top of his jersey! That's classic Redskin Letters material! Gosh. All someone has to do is mention being slapped around by Patriots Boyfriend and I'll know that they're reading for sure!

Want to Live off of Ramen?

Dear Leigh Torrence,

On Sunday, you were pretty much given one responsibility during the entire game. That was to make sure that your guy didn't get yardage or score. Since you're paid millions of dollars to do ONE thing, I think that you should have done it. And with a smile on your face, since you don't have to do too much to get all that cash. How would you like to do my 40-hour a week job for my middle-class salary? You wouldn't like it very much at all, I bet. Unless you want to live off of Ramen noodles (luckily, I think that Ramen is fabulous).

Your playing on Sunday, though, was not fabulous. Clearly you need instruction from an editor with too much time on her hands, so here it is: cover your guy next time! If I write to you in the future it better be because you did something great on the field...or else I'll start making fun of you much like I did Durant Brooks (little known "fact": Durant Brooks was glad to be cut to avoid being cut further from my words).

Stop Sucking!

Karen

Please Continue to be Awesome

Dear Chris Horton,

I'm going to take a break from my mean letters to write a nice one for you. You are awesome. Watching you intercept a pass would bring tears to my eyes if my heart wasn't ice cold (the only thing that makes me cry is beatings from Patriots Boyfriend--just kidding. I still don't cry then. I get what I deserve). Anyhoo, here are some things that I like about you:

1. How you intercept the ball.

2. How you tackle enemy players.

3. How you act sort of humble even though you know that you're one of the best players on the team.

4. How you were our final pick in the draft--saving best for last! Clearly picking Durant Brooks ahead of you was a mistake...coughVinnyCerratocough. Besides, who drafts a freaking punter ever? (Eh...I actually don't know too much about that, but one of the guys at work told me that it was a loser move).

5. Um...your hair? Although I must say that I had no idea what your name was for a while because I couldn't read the back of your jersey and because I rarely trust what Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Tony Siragusa say when they announce our games. One time they were talking about how Coach Zorn was yelling at the kicker for missing a field goal when it said "Brooks" right across the player's jersey. That's right. He was yelling at Durant Brooks for messing up the holding for the kick. Man, I'm glad that we got rid of him! Still, though, if your hair was shorter, I'd have known your name sooner and you wouldn't have inconvenienced me. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, please continue to be awesome and maybe you could teach your buddies on the team a thing or two.

So Glad We Have You,

Karen

Don't be a Hero, Pete

Dear Pete Kendall,

Okay, I feel bad for you. I know that you weren't trying to give away the game to the Rams, but guess what? You did. You and Durant Brooks, our former (yay!) punter.

Here's the thing: I know that your position is rough. You're a guard. You never get the glory, the money, the swag, or the panties thrown at you from adoring fans. I get it! You want to be a rockstar on the field. I wanted to be a rockstar on the field during PowderPuff football back in high school, but instead I got to stand around gossiping while the football players/our coaches put their girlfriends in the game instead. I'm not bitter or anything, though. Anyway, you and I will never be rockstars, but at least you get to go out there and hang out with the rockstars on offense! You lucky thing, you! I know that you said that you had no "delusions of grandeur", but let's face it: you tried to move the ball knowing nothing about how to hold onto it.

Shoot. I think that I could've hung onto the ball at least...you know, until I was snapped like a twig.

All right. I'm going to let you go so that you can get back to practice, as you need a lot of it. From now on, don't be a hero, Pete.

Sincerely?

Karen

Why Haven't You Left Yet?

Dear Durant Brooks,

I'd hoped that this would be a farewell letter, but apparently you're still on the team. I think that all of Washington, D.C. is surprised by that! Yeah, yeah, I heard something about you needing an MRI and there is something wrong with your hamstring or your leg or something else that I don't care very much about.

Look, man: you kinda suck. I mean, you're the worst punter in the NFL. That's something, right? I mean, if there was an award for lousiest first-string punter in the NFL you'd win! Hands down! So one could argue that you are, in fact, a winner, not a loser.

Not me, though. Sure, there were tons of problems that the Redskins need to fix, but you are by far the biggest problem. We gave the Rams great field position nearly everytime and we need someone who can execute. The only thing that you executed was our chance at winning.

Here is my suggestion for who should replace you: Chris Horton. I know that he's a safety, but I feel sure that he'll be better than you. Second choice: Antwaan Randle El. The only thing he's not good at is punt returning; otherwise he can catch and throw the ball. Maybe Horton could take over for the punt returning...he can do it all!

So long,

Karen

P.S. What's with the name? I figured that you were Canadian and that would explain something like "Durant", but you were born in Georgia. What gives?

The Only Turnovers I Like Have Apples in Them!

Dear Jim Zorn,

The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:

Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".

Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.

Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!

Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.

Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).

Still Angry with You,

Karen

P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.