Play Like You're Actually Good at Your Job

Dear Carlos Rogers,

I'm not going to blame our loss to the Giants on you (that's what we have kickers and coaches for), but I feel that I must reprimand you for something. Do you remember Eli Manning throwing the football right to Shawn Springs? You might have missed that as you dove right in front of Shawn and made sure that neither of you got the ball. So, um, why'd you go and do that? First, isn't it kind of a jerk move to steal a play from your teammate? Second, if you're going to steal an interception from your teammate, shouldn't you at least GET THE FREAKING INTERCEPTION?

Also, there was another play where you missed a tackle. Way to go. You know who else missed a tackle once? Leigh Torrence. Think about it.

As you get ready to play the Ravens on Sunday night, please remember to play like you're actually good at your job. Obviously I always want / need the Redskins to win, but this game is especially important because Patriots Boyfriend has been complaining constantly that he needs the Ravens to lose to help out the Gaytriots and says that he'll stop rooting for the Redskins if they don't win. It's cute that he believes that I care about his team's playoff chances or, you know, what he thinks because I don't, but I DO care if he's complaining all the time. It's annoying!

Please Win!

Karen

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen

Your Glory Days Are Behind You

Dear Shaun Alexander,

So I'm not too sure why Jim Zorn wanted you on his team. I heard somewhere that you used to be good, but I've seen nothing to indicate that since you arrived. Dan Snyder has a habit of signing guys to the Redskins whose glory days are behind them and I think that's the case here, too. You will follow in the ranks of Deion Sanders (ugh...everytime a Cowboy wears a Redskins jersey a litter of kittens drown) and all the rest. Redskins Hater wants me to include Jason Taylor in this list, but that's too early to be seen--I mean, he's been injured for so much of the season. But that doesn't keep him from dancing. Does it?

Anyhoo, please start playing better. Keep in mind what happened to Durant Brooks and Leigh Torrence....

Ominously yours,

Karen

We All Do Things to Shame Ourselves

Dear Leigh Torrence,

Wow. You were let go. I definitely saw that coming as addressed in my last letter to you, but I had no idea how much attention Coach Zorn pays attention to my blog. Apparently he reads it often and respects my irrefutable advice.

We all make mistakes, Leigh; you didn't cover your guy in the game versus the Rams, and last night I drunkenly swore up and down to Patriots Boyfriend that he was wrong in thinking that the Arizona Cardinals are in the NFC. "They're AFC West!" I shouted. "You don't even need to look it up!" I proceeded to do a happy "I'm right!" dance before he showed me that I was wrong. Then he spent the next half an hour trying to coax me out of my room because I refused to come out and face that I was wrong about something.

See? We all do things to shame ourselves. Luckily for you, you'll never shame the Redskins again! Good news! The bad news is that you don't get to play for the best team ever (The Redskins) again, either. Sorry.

Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors. Maybe next time you won't allow the Rams to score on us.

Bye!!!

Karen

Want to Live off of Ramen?

Dear Leigh Torrence,

On Sunday, you were pretty much given one responsibility during the entire game. That was to make sure that your guy didn't get yardage or score. Since you're paid millions of dollars to do ONE thing, I think that you should have done it. And with a smile on your face, since you don't have to do too much to get all that cash. How would you like to do my 40-hour a week job for my middle-class salary? You wouldn't like it very much at all, I bet. Unless you want to live off of Ramen noodles (luckily, I think that Ramen is fabulous).

Your playing on Sunday, though, was not fabulous. Clearly you need instruction from an editor with too much time on her hands, so here it is: cover your guy next time! If I write to you in the future it better be because you did something great on the field...or else I'll start making fun of you much like I did Durant Brooks (little known "fact": Durant Brooks was glad to be cut to avoid being cut further from my words).

Stop Sucking!

Karen