Don't Even Try To Sit On Me

Dear Albert Haynesworth,

Washington, DC is all abuzz with the news that you want to be traded from the Redskins.  Well, whoopty-doo.  Guess what, Al?  We want to get rid of you, too.  In fact, many of us haven't been pleased with you since...oh, when you were signed for a $100 million contract.  You wouldn't have been worth that insane amount of cash even if you had stayed healthy and hadn't had to sit out to regain your precious breath after every play where you actually did something worthwhile for once; you definitely weren't worth $55,000 per snap.  You weren't worth one of my addicting butterscotch cookies per snap and I give those babies out like they're...well...cookies.  Or babies.

Since you seem to be completely uninterested in anything awesome pertaining to the Redskins, you may be unaware that this is my slow time when it comes to writing letters, but here I am anyway, popping up to let you know that you're a tool and not even a very good one.  You're like an electric drill that stops working when the batteries die, when all anyone really needs is a screwdriver.  Or a broken escalator when people just need stairs.  Or Jay Leno when everyone under the age of sixty-five just wants Conan O'Brien.

In conclusion, you suck.  Don't let the stadium doors hit you on your fat behind on the way out--if you can walk out under your own power without stopping for a hit off an oxygen tank first.

Looking forward to getting money back for any other player ever (besides Tony Romo),

Karen

P.S.  Don't even try to sit on me.  I've been working out and I can outrun you!

I'm Back And Ready to Attack!

Dear Redskin Letters Fan(s),

I apologize for neglecting my correspondence to the Redskins in the past few months, but two of my bosses are Cowboys fans and they’ve had me working crazy overtime AND they blocked blogger functions so that I couldn’t update from work. It’s like they don’t even understand why I got a job with internet access.

Anyhoo, I’m back just in time for training camp! Before I start castigating Jim Zorn and squeeing over Chris Cooley, though, I think that we need to review what I think about everything happening in the NFL.

• Michael Vick’s been reinstated on a trial basis. I thought that he already had a trial and was convicted on charges of animal abuse, but what do I know? I don’t even like animals that much. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up with the Cowboys and the rest of their criminals.
• Speaking of the Cowboys, Tony “I Can’t Win a Playoff Game” Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson and then posted signs at his house saying that she’s not allowed in. That’s way harsh, Tony. I wonder if holding up pictures of Jessica will still cause him to lose games. I hope so. In fact, I think that Dan Snyder should invite her to Washington when Dallas comes to town, to celebrate that she no longer has to pretend to like the Cowboys. For funsies, she could also sing the National Anthem if she can remember the words and put on a half-time show with songs from her failed country album. Jessica, I liked that one song of yours that got on the radio. Not enough to buy it, though. Sorry.
• By the way, Tony? When people care more about who you’re dating than how you’re playing? Doesn’t bode well. Also, I hate you.
• Hey Steve McNair! Wanna know the best way to not get killed by your girlfriend? Don’t cheat on your wife. (Hmm. Maybe I should have mentioned that to him a couple months ago. Oh well. Too late now.)
• I had to change my text message alert ringtone away from “Hail to the Redskins” because sometimes I get annoyed by text messages and I cannot associate “annoyance” and “the Redskins” together. I still had it on when Redskins Brother texted me a picture of Saint Joe Gibbs and that was awesome. Also, Redskins Brother and I are no longer speaking because he didn’t help ME meet Coach Joe. Redskins Brother = big jerk who wore my leotard once when we were kids. Yeah, I said it on your Facebook wall and now I’m saying it for the rest of the world to read.
• Brett Favre retired again, guys. For real this time. Maybe. Pretty soon he’s not going to be hot enough for me to pretend to care about him.
• Tom Brady’s back with the Patriots. Perhaps playing football will be a nice change from knocking up chicks.
• Assorted comments from rejected applicants; may they feel some shame for their lame attempts to woo me:

1. “If you choose me, I will make you see God.” I gotta say that being told that you want to kill me is kind of a turn off. I have forwarded this to the authorities several times and will continue to do so until they take the death threat seriously. I don’t want to see God until I’m really old, like 45.
2. "Because I am better looking than Dan Snyder.” First, you gave no photographic evidence to support this claim; second, you did not use complete sentences. If you can’t follow such a simple direction, how do I know that you’re going to serve me a Bloody Mary exactly how I like it? I refuse to take such a risk.
3. “I love the Redskins as much as you do…or maybe even more.” LIAR! Screw you AND your dirty lies.
4. "Here’s why you should like the Cowboys….” Yeah. I didn’t even bother finishing this one. Clearly you ignored some of the big “Rejected!” pictures, so you must be an idiot or you think that you are above filling out the application correctly. Let me tell you something, Cowboys fan, NO ONE IS ABOVE FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION CORRECTLY. Also, you suck.

I’m considering getting Twitter just so that you all can know my feelings about the Redskins’ performance during real-time once the season starts. Is anyone interested in that?

Peace out homies (don’t worry, I’m getting tan enough this summer that I can say that),

Karen

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen

Paint My SUV!

Dear Jim Zorn,

What the hell, man? We lost to Dallas because you didn't hate them enough. It's like you just stood back there on the sidelines going, "Well, boys, we beat them last time so it's their turn to beat us. Now stop intercepting Romo's passes!" I don't mind telling you, Coach, that that is not a great gameplan. In fact, it's a terrible one.

It's bad enough that Redskin fans have to deal with seeing Cowboys fans everywhere we go. We shouldn't have to lose to them, too! I mean, sure we beat them in some areas; like you are a much better looking coach than Wade Phillips. Jason Campbell generally doesn't look as foolish as Tony Romo, Terrell Owens is a much bigger jerk than any of the Redskins, blah blah blah.

But that doesn't change the fact that we scored fewer points and lost the game. I'm pretty displeased and I think that you know it. Here are some things that you can do to get in my good graces again:

1. Win. It sounds complex, I know, but isn't that hard. I mean, the Tennessee Titans are doing it every week and we all know that THEY can't be better than us.

2. Paint my car burgundy with gold trim and require each starting Redskin to paint their own original picture on the hood and doors. Don't worry; I have an SUV so there's plenty of room.

3. Have the team clean my apartment. I win by not having to do it myself (or beg Patriots Boyfriend to do it for me) and you win by finding a unique punishment for the team members who screwed up on Sunday night.

4. Give referree Jeff Triplett a noogie for me. Not only will I enjoy it, but fans everywhere will. He kinds sucks as a ref, doesn't he? I bet that if you get fined, Tom Cruise's best gal pal will pay you back. He loves it when people are jerks...especially him!

You may choose any of my suggestions. I don't have a preference.

Get Better at Coaching Soon!

Karen

P.S. The Seahawks suck. If we lose to them, you're dead to me. If we beat them, though, it means nothing because we SHOULD beat them. Beat the Giants and maybe people will like you again.