You Aren't Worth One to 2,000 Pennies More

Dear Chris Cooley,

 

I was disappointed when I heard that you were cut from the Redskins in the pre-season, but I got over it pretty quickly.  No one wants to see fan favorites go, but watching Sir Robert Griffin the Third and Fred Davis together made everyone forget who you were until poor Davis got hurt.  Instantly, Washington was like, "Where's old Whatshisface?  Cooley! Cooley!  COOOOOOOOOLEY!"  I started Googling you and found a quote about how you thought that the Redskins might re-sign you if something happened to Davis: “If Fred gets hurt or something like that, I think I’d be the guy they sign. I think that.”  I read on to see if you qualified that statement with a "Hopefully he stays fine!" or a "not that I want that to happen," but you didn't.  Kinda mean, Chris.  It makes me feel like you spent the first month of the season watching the games, clutching your little Fred Davis voodoo doll and waiting for the opportune moment to tear his Achilles' tendon and get your position back.  SHADY.

 

Redskins fans love making mascots out of favorite players, though, so everyone was happy to have you back, but you haven't really done anything.  I feel like I got excited for nothing and that's disappointing.  I felt a little better today when I read that you wanted a case of beer after every game to be added to your contract this time around.  That's incredibly stupid.  I'm not even going to roll my eyes at Danny Snyder for not letting it slide when someone could easily sue him and the Redskins organization when you inevitably realize that your career is over, drink all of one of those said cases, get in your much too expensive car and mow down a bunch of fans because why should they live when you can no longer be a gridiron hero?  Also, it's funny that the Redskins were desperate for a tight end but still didn't add, "And $20 for Mr. Cooley to buy a case of some shitty ass Miller Light," to your contract.  You are worth exactly what they are paying you and not one to 2,000 pennies more.

 

Now that Flying Dog is going to supply you with some of their beer, here's who you should share some of it with:

 

Sir Robert Griffin the Third: If I have to tell you why this guy deserves beer, love songs, and papal blessings, you must be comatose in a room that isn't within ten miles of a TV or a radio.  There is no excuse for anyone who doesn't sing this guy's accolades every day.

 

AMMO!  Alfred Morris, affectionately called "Ammo" in my house (Redskins Friend/Housemate coined it) reminds me of Clinton Portis on the field back when he was young and not accident-prone, but this guy doesn't have an ego!  It's amazing!  His car is even shittier than mine!  Give that guy a beer.

 

Santana Moss.  Did you SEE that catch on Sunday?  Just...wow.

 

Kai Forbath, the kicker.  I know, I know.  I hate kickers, but he hasn't screwed up yet.  Give him half a beer because he's not great at kick returns--maybe the incentive of some frothy goodness will give him the motivation that he needs.

 

Phristopher Polumbus--this guy has an awesome name.  Every time that I see the back of his jersey, I laugh at him.  And every time that he gets a false start penalty called on him because he's an idiot, I get to say, "PHRISTOPHER!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"  Say it aloud.  Once you do, you'll forget forever that his real first name is...um...ah...starts with a T?  Oh, forget it.  He should just get his name legally changed.  (Side note: the more that we call him "Phristopher" the more that it sounds like a real name to us.  Redskins Fiance is pulling for us to name a futue child Phristopher, but his last name isn't Polumbus or Pooley, so I will have to veto that.)

 

In the future, if I hear that you're actually on the field for a play, I want to hear that you do something spectacular and noteworthy--especially now that you're getting your beer.

 

Happy Thanksgiving and Good Luck on Thursday,

 

Karen

I Have So Many Emotions

Dear Mike Shanahan,

REMEMBER ME?  I'm sure that my nearly 18-month absence lulled you into a false sense of security.  Perhaps you believed that drafting an absolute stud like Mr. Griffin the Third was enough to silence me, but you were wrong.  As I told Redskins Fiance throughout today's game, I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS and now you get to hear alllllllll about them.  Strap yourself in; it's going to be a long and disturbing ride, just like my experience watching the Redskins lose to the Atlanta Falcons.

To be nice, I'll start with what I like: Alfred Morris.  Like all the previous Alfred's before him, he's a class act and super impressive at his job.  Just like Batman can't eat breakfast in the morning without his Alfred, Mr. Griffin the Third can't be as effective without his own wingman (I mean...we can't expect him to throw the ball to himself--though I'm certain that he'd be good at that if he set his mind to it).  Alfred Morris is amazing.  He reminds me of a young, effective Clinton Portis and everyone knows how much I adored Portis.  This guy is a MONSTER and it's hard to take him down.  One of my favorite things today was watching them play the exact same play over and over again and the Falcons looking surprised that Morris was able to get a first down despite their mediocre efforts.

DeAngelo Hall was surprising, too, since he generally misses tackles and has one good play a game--but today he had at least TWO good plays and I was super proud of him.

Who noticed Sav Rocca's punt within the 5-yard line?  I noticed, I liked, and I almost started regretting my notoriously sour feelings against punters just because they're almost like cousins to kickers..but don't get me STARTED on "Cousins."

He's an unsung hero, but London Fletcher is still a beast in my eyes.  Yes, he had a penalty against him, but how often does he get penalized?  The answer is "not often" because he's really just that great.  Did that one penalty cost us the game?  Of course not.  Kirk Cousins cost us the game, not any one penalty.  But we'll get to that douche canoe later.

Brandon Banks gets a bad rap. He's this little, tiny guy and he's not very effective. Most of the time when he runs with a kick or punt return, he gets stopped at the 20-yard line and EVERYONE is like, "DUDE!  I could do that!  Just take a knee in the End Zone!"  Honestly, I love that he still tries, unlike Antwaan Randle El back in the day.  And today, Brandon Banks had an awesome return that put us in Falcon territory.  He's not a perfect player, but I was proud of his attempts.  I think that he can do more than he has, but he keeps me interested in seeing what he'll do  every week.

Mr. Griffin the Third is...well, it's too soon to call him Saint RGIII unless he actually dies from his probable concussion (the "Saint" title is reserved for real saints and Joe Gibbs).  I love watching this man play football.  He makes me feel like I could be a better person and that poverty could be cured just because of the beauty I see everytime that he pitches the ball to Alfred Morris and we get a first down.  Please get better, Mr. Griffin the Third.  I love AND respect you.

Let's not forget Ryan Kerrigan.  Even Anti-Redskins Best Friend loves this guy and for good reason.  I love that when he caught that interception, he didn't hesitate.  He just got it and ran it in for the touchdown as if he does it all the time when we all know that he doesn't because he's a Redskin and he almost NEVER gets that opportunity. 

Josh Wilson was sometimes good and sometimes bad.  But he's #26, Clinton Portis' number, so I have a a soft spot in my heart for him.  And I expect more than what he did...but he had just enough good plays to keep my mouth shut for another week.

But you know what, Shanahan?  You have problems...two in particular.  The first is Billy Cundiff.  I wasn't willing to overlook last week's dismal 25% field goal completion rate AT ALL, but today was a new game and all I cared about was winning--if it had to be with him on our team, SO BE IT.  Then he missed another field goal.  FOR SERIOUS.  I don't even...I don't understand.    There are no words.  My brain shuts down whenever I try to determine why Cu**f*** (yeah, I made up a name for him) is still on the team.

The second problem is Kirk "Ken Doll" Cousins.  The name "Cousins" gives me a nice warm feeling because I LOVE my cousins and I was pleasantly surprised by his touchdown pass to Santana Moss.  "Oh my God!" I shouted at my TV.  "Kirk Cousins!  He doesn't suck!"  Smiles were seen, wine was poured, and wine was savored (by me--lots of it).  Even if the Redskins offensive line is still terrible, maybe we have a valuable backup in Kirk Cousins!  Though it was like a knife stabbed into my heart to see a dazed Mr. Griffin the Third walk to the locker room to get looked over, I was cautiously excited.  Maybe Cousins was more than just the stupidest fourth round pick than I'd ever seen.

Then he threw an interception.  Suddenly, the game was tied up.  Redskins Fiance tried to convince me that this kid was okay and he'd just had a little bad luck, but I was not quick to agree.  I've been a football fan longer and harder than this guy (I would never agree to marry someone who thought that he was a bigger fan--it would open him up to a world of physical pain every football season when I proved otherwise through cage-fighting) so I know a LITTLE (a lot) more about the game than he does.  I was proven right when Cousins threw yet ANOTHER interception.

Please pass on this message to Kirk Cousins:  I understand that you LOOK like a Ken doll...but are you playing like crap because you have no penis...LIKE A KEN DOLL?  That is my only explanation.  I hope that Barbie can assuage your feelings of impotence tonight, but I don't have high hopes--

Much like the rest of Washington.  Until Mr. Griffin the Third is fully healthy, no one has high hopes.  Please get him back.

Your team's #1 fan,

Karen

Please Get Your Collective Act Together

Dear Redskins,

Yep.  ALL OF YOU.  I can't turn my back on you (and by "turn my back" I mean "drink my weight in wine and then some," not actually giving up on you clowns) for three months before you're causing trouble all over the place.  Every time I hear a new piece of news, I tell people, "I'm so going to write a letter to that guy!" but then another one of you gets into the biggest pickle of the off-season.  I am way too busy and important to keep track of all this, but I'm going to do my best to address what I can.

1.  Albert Haynesworth.  I'm mad at you.  Seriously.  Mostly I'm mad that I'm trying to write you this darn letter one-handed because I don't want to put down my wine glass (I'm over 21, don't judge me), but I'm also upset because of assault.  You've assaulted my eyes and my senses because I had to read this and this.  Come on, guy.  We've all felt murderous rage towards other motorists, but at least some of us are smart enough not to get caught.  As for the other thing, as a female and former waitress I can tell you in no uncertain terms that women don't want strange dudes putting fingers in their cleavage.  I PROMISE YOU.  Please stop.  Also, I shouldn't even be writing to you because you shouldn't be on the team anymore.  LEAVE.  You'd be too expensive even if you were performing well, which you aren't.  Suspension kind of leads to that.

2.  Brandon Banks.  What the eff, kid?  I'm not really a fashionista (though I know better than to wear a Canadian tuxedo), but I'm pretty sure that Stacy and Clinton have said that wearing white after Labor Day is A-okay in their books.  So, why, why, WHY would you start a fight with a be-knifed dude over his white-on-white outfit?  You do realize that the real police come to altercations, right?  The "fashion police" come to alterations.  And their existence is just a joke that I wish was totally and completely real (let's face it: if the fashion police existed, we'd be able to avoid Ed Hardy, Uggs, and websites that show horrific things like this).  I know how hurtful it is when people don't dress to impress--I GET IT.  But you know who isn't ever in the news for stabbing or being stabbed?  That's right, ME.  Learn it, love it, live it.

3.  Dan Snyder.  I'm so tired of you.  I understand that all you care about is money.  I mean, I understand that that's a thing that some people care about.  I care about it, too, when I'm hard on my luck and midgets little people appear in the King's castle and offer to spin a bunch of straw into gold so that I don't die or something.  But you know what I care about more than money?  WINNING.  Duh.  Guess what the Redskins have NOT been doing?  And do you know what doesn't help your image as one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL?  Suing journalists who call you one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL.  The only time in your entire tenure as owner that your worth went up was unfortunately when Sean Taylor (RIP #21) died.  Since I don't want any more star players to die, I have no idea how you're going to manage that feat again unless you start groveling to fans.  Maybe start with lowering the cost of stadium beer from $8 a cup to anything below that.  We're in a recession, after all, and I know how to sneak booze inside and drink for free.  Just saying.

4.  Clinton Portis.  I love you too much to include you with these guys.  When I drink enough again, you'll get your own letter.

Until then, Redskins, please get your collective act together.

Love,

Karen

Their Own Personal Meat Market

Dear Clinton Portis,

Sometimes, dear sir, you really need to keep your mouth shut.  I've written to you about this before, but I didn't really care about your feelings regarding Jim Zorn.  I do care about your insulting remarks about women reporters, though, because I'm a woman and, as such, I'm appalled that you didn't get it right.  To refresh your sporadically concussed memory, a female sports reporter, Ines Sainz, is complaining that New York Jets players sexually harassed her.  When apprised of the situation, you had some choice words that irritated me.  Let's break it down together, shall we?

"You know man, I think you put women reporters in the locker room in positions to see guys walking around naked, and you sit in the locker room with 53 guys, and all of the sudden you see a nice woman in the locker room, I think men are gonna tend to turn and look and want to say something to that woman. For the woman, I think they make it so much that you can't interact and you can't be involved with athletes, you can't talk to these guys, you can't interact with these guys.

"And I mean, you put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebody got to be appealing to her. You know, somebody got to spark her interest, or she's gonna want somebody. I don't know what kind of woman won't, if you get to go and look at 53 men's packages. And you're just sitting here, saying 'Oh, none of this is attractive to me.' I know you're doing a job, but at the same time, the same way I'm gonna cut my eye if I see somebody worth talking to, I'm sure they do the same thing." (Transcript courtesy of D.C. Sports Blog's Dan Steinberg)

Problem 1: You didn't even mention how women shouldn't be allowed in the locker room in the first place because they have no right to take jobs that belong to men.

Problem 2: Um, hello?  These women need to be reminded that it's really hard for them to cook your dinner if they're not at home in the kitchen.  Where was that comment, Portis?

Problem 3: Where's the fact that women who walk into a room full of naked men are clearly on the prowl?  Don't be kind and give them the benefit of the doubt by saying "I know you're doing a job," because if they're actually good at their jobs, they can arrange for interviews outside the locker room with fully clothed players.  These female reporters are treating you poor men like their own personal meat market and I don't think that you should stand for it any longer.

Problem 4: Why didn't you question who these women slept with to even get into the locker room in the first place?  Affirmative action can get them into the stadium, but that's not enough to get past security.  If you know what I am saying.

Problem 5: Maybe it's because you're a guy and guys don't pay attention to fashion, but you didn't even wonder what Sainz was wearing on the alleged day of harassment?  Granny sweater and mom jeans = no harassment allowed, but anything-that-makes-it-evident-that-she's-a-woman?  That's like giving someone a Freedom to Harass card (Ben Roethlisberger approved) and men and women everywhere should know this and respect it.

Problem 6: Too much implication and too few direct statements.  I want you to say definitively for the record that any female (reporter or not) who walks into a room and gets to see fifty-three male "packages" is a damn liar if she denies finding at least one that's attractive.  And not only is she a liar, but she's also being spiteful for dragging down the fragile egos of those poor men.  Come on, women!  Show some respect and let these men know that the only reason why you wanted to be a sports reporter was to ogle their goodies!

Problem 7: While you're at it, ask when it became a crime to give a woman a compliment?  If she feels dirty afterward, that's her problem, not yours.  And she probably has daddy issues.  Or low self-esteem.  Or too high self-esteem.  OOH!  Maybe she was on her period.  Women are such witches during their time of the month (except for me--I'm still a delight and I'll cut anyone who suggests otherwise).

Problem 8:  Other topics regarding female reporters that you didn't address but should have: their dumb questions, how they turn everything to some story starring themselves (this girl at my work is always doing that and it's so freaking annoying to everyone*), how none of them really know anything about sports, how they cry all the time, how they don't know when not to put a drunk on live television (I'm looking at you, Suzy Kolber); you really missed the boat, Portis, and I expect someone with a name like Clinton to have a little more knowledge of women than you showed the other day.

Severely disappointed in you,

Karen (Who is on Her Way Back to the Kitchen Immediately and Deserves to be Slapped if Dinner isn't Served at 5:00pm on the Dot)

P.S.  For homework, please watch these prime examples of women failing at being sports reporters

*the girl is me

My Children Are Going to be Winners

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency.  Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict:  so far, not really.  But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year.  But cheer up!  I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies.  I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas.  NEVER THERE).  But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the blogging Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets."  Do you hear that, Redskins fans?  It's a contented sigh coming from all of you.  Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens.  This is like being demoted twice in a row.  In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back.  He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach.  I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach.  Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch.  This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day.  What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet.  We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM.  Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life.  Don't screw up, Bruce.  We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc.  Thank God that Randle El is gone.  I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams.  That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team.  Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that.  He didn't.  So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas.  I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts!  The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie!  And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!).  Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back.  It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps!  Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother.  He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver.  When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside.  Yeah, that's right, everyone!  Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself!  And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME!  ME!  Muahhahhahahah!  Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place!  Thanks, Redskins Brother!  And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world!  Sometimes I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it.  I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish.  It might teach me some responsibility.  If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins?  Well, it isn't.  Unless I name it after one of them.  Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn.  Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him.  Or Salmonta Moss?  Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?!  Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh.  We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

It's Haiku Monday!

Dear Clinton Portis,

Guess what today is!!!!  It's Haiku Monday!  Don't confuse it with Drink Wine Monday, which today ALSO is.  Don't.  Seriously.  I'll get pissed.

Anyway, here are a bunch of haikus for you to pass along to your friends on the team.  You can even trade them for other haikus if you like.  It's like they're the gift that keeps on giving.

Portis is concussed

No more practices for him

His wish was granted

Ladell Betts got hurt

Just when he got kind of good

Out for the season

Samuels was so awesome

Why did he have to get hurt?

Please get well soon, Chris!

Cooley's pretty great

And if he wasn't married

I'd cure what ails him

Chris Horton's my fave

With his way awesome long hair

Wish he was healthy

Who remembers Colt?

Our CUT third-string quarterback

He's back in ten months!

I try to ignore

The irrelevant Jim Zorn

Just like other fans

There you go, Portis.  Also, you're killing me in fantasy football--I no longer consider it to be fantastic.

Love,

Karen

What's Ailing The Redskins?

Dear Redskins Nation,

Hello to my fellow Redskins fans.  I’ve made an important discovery and feel that I MUST share it with you all.  I know that many of you are tired of supporting a team with so many management/owner/coaching/playing problems and I don’t blame you—I’m sad, too.  But I believe that I know why we are doing so poorly and likewise, I know the cure.

The problem goes back a long way to before I was even born, to 1982 to be exact.  Joe Bugel called the offensive linemen “hogs” and they all decided that this was a wonderful nickname to be called with pride.  Yeah, I don’t know why, either.  These guys became super awesome, though, and Joe Theismann and John Riggins begged to join (John was allowed in as an honorary member, but Joe was refused, showing that these guys didn’t just have brawn—they had brains, too).  They were unstoppable, leading to three Super Bowls in less than a decade.  I like to refer to that time as “the good ol’ days.”

Fans embraced the Hogs, leading people around the Washington area to don pig snouts when attending games.  This practice is still done today because, let’s be honest, football fans are absolutely nuts.  Bonkers.  Crazy.  There’s a reason why “fan” is short for “fanatic.”  Some of these super fans, known as the Hogettes, dress up like old women and then put on their pig noses.  They’ve been on Jay Leno, three have been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for their fanaticism, and, best of all, some of them made a VISA commercial.  I kind of wish that I could be as cool as them.

So it is only natural for our Hogs to have been infected with the dreaded H1N1 flu.  The SWINE flu.  Yes, Redskins fans, the swine flu is what is truly ailing our players...and probably the coaches, management, and Dan Snyder.  It’s not their fault, though!  No one asks to get sick (unless he or she is me in elementary school.  I really wanted my tonsils taken out so that I could eat nothing but ice cream, but Redskins Parents are terrible and wouldn’t let me have the unnecessary surgery.  Jerks).  Usually the swine flu hits a person and then they’re better within a few days...maybe a week or two...and I realize that the Redskins have been sick for much longer but OF COURSE they would be!  They’re the HOGS for crying out loud!

You might ask how I’ve come to this incredibly thought-provoking conclusion.  What’s my evidence?  Well, let’s look at Swine Flu symptoms:

Fever: Have you seen how much these guys sweat?  Definitely feverish.

Runny nose or stuffy nose:  Some people might say that the players are crying after their losses, but I know the truth.  It’s just their sinuses!

Sore throat:  They are always hoarse in post-game interviews and I refuse to believe that it’s a coincidence.

Body aches:  Clinton Portis’s body aches so much that he can’t even practice every day!

Headaches:  Sure, they could blame it on helmet-to-helmet contact, but I think that it’s the flu that causes their heads to hurt.  Poor babies.

Chills:  I got chillssssssss, they’re multiplyingggggg.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Got distracted there.  The chills could explain why they’re so slow to get past the first down line on third-and-long situations.  Their poor bodies just aren’t warmed up enough.  Um.  Despite their fevers.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Let’s just go with it.

Fatigue or tiredness:  Clearly these guys are fatigued!!  They even act like they’ve given up, they’re so exhausted!

I say that we all gather and bring our players some chicken noodle soup, lots of juice and ibuprofen and help them to get better.

Who's with me???

Karen

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

At Least JMU Made it to the Playoffs

Dear Chris Cooley,

Dude. I can't believe that you fumbled so early in that game. Why do you want to hurt me? Is it because I said that Clinton Portis is my favorite player? You're almost definitely number two, so I don't believe that I should be punished this way.

I started off my weekend by driving down to Harrisonburg and wound up watching the JMU Dukes lose to the Montana Stupid Grizzlies in the Division 1AA Semi-Finals; I thought that all those turnovers from the Dukes would be the worst football I'd see all weekend. Then I watched you guys on Sunday afternoon and discovered how wrong I was. I mean, at least JMU made it to the playoffs and one of their players (Scotty McGee) has a drink named after him. Do you have a drink named after you, Cooooooley? Answer: nope. I googled it and came up with squat ("McGee" ingredients: 1 shot vodka, 1 shot cranberry juice, 8 oz. ginger ale; "McGee" streetname: "JMU Ginger").

Anyway, Cooooooley, before you wonder whether this letter is really just to brag about my college team being better than you guys, let me just say that it is. Wonder no more.

Your fumble, though, gave momentum to the Bengals and they held on for the rest of the game. So, thanks for that fumble. And thanks for taking away our playoff chances. I mean, even Shaun Suisham made his field goals! Ryan Plackemeier had some awesome punts, too! Everything else mostly sucked, though. All because you gave our momentum away. I suppose that it was a nice early Christmas present to Cincinatti, but what are they giving us this year? Probably not a win. You screwed us in this gift exchange. Since you can't make it up to me by getting us into the playoffs, you can make it up another way: Christmas cheer and lots of it (also known as egg nog and buckets of rum) delivered to my apartment.

Waiting on my "Cheer,"

Karen

P.S. I'm glad that I gave up on Fantasy Football because I'm betting that you would have gotten me negative points this week.

I Really Wanted You on My Now Defunct Fantasy Team

Dear Clinton Portis,

By now I think that you know that you're my favorite player; I wear your jersey every gameday and I really wanted you on my now defunct fantasy football team (never play in a league with 18 freaking teams...no one has good players. Thanks a lot, stupid Redskins Brother). Sometimes I cringe, though, when I read your comments, like just the other day when you trashed Jim Zorn on the radio.

I think you're also aware that Jim Zorn isn't my favorite Redskins coach ever (this coveted title goes to Saint Joe Gibbs), BUT he's still your coach and your boss. Okay, maybe not your boss. Dan Snyder will keep you around longer than he'll keep Zornyboy, after all (I still say that he's waiting to snatch Bill Cowher from CBS). Regardless, you can't sarcastically tell Washington, D.C. that Zorn is a "genius". That's kind of a jerk move no matter how stupid his plays are to you (and the rest of us). I'm glad that you guys kissed and made up yesterday, but I want you to be on your best behavior for the rest of the season so that I don't see you on the bench again. Do you know how it felt, seeing you sitting there, wondering if you were perhaps injured and the coaches just weren't telling us? It felt horrible. I even thought of crying...though that was mostly after we lost and I was mad because I'd rooted for the dumb old Lame-triots for Patriots Boyfriend earlier that day and they'd won, but when Patriots Boyfriend rooted for the Redskins, we still lost. Clearly, my rooting is better than his...for other teams...crap, that's not helpful.

Anway, please play nice with the coach and please beat the Bengals on Sunday. Redskins Hater says that you guys are going to lose; I hope that Redskins Hater isn't in another car accident like he was after the last time he talked trash. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

What Are the Rules for That Up There?

Dear Sean Taylor,

I hope that you can read this up there in Heaven. I'm assuming that's where you are because that's where all Redskins go when they die (Cowboys and Eagles go to purgatory for one more chance to root for the 'Skins). A year and three days after your death, I think that Redskins fans all over have learned and seen a lot that they never expected.

We saw the team become more than a team as they mourned together and turned what was shaping up to be a losing season into a mad run to the playoffs...where we lost anyway...seriously, you couldn't help them out even a little? What are the rules for that up there?

We saw Saint Joe Gibbs retire from coaching for what is surely the last time.

We saw Clinton Portis clam up...and you know the world isn't right when he's not talking in a crazy costume.

We saw that Dan Snyder actually maybe has a heart as he stayed with your family through everything and took on all the expenses surrounding flying the team and their wives down to your funeral. I don't know if he was one of the people behind plexi-glassing your locker, but that was a cool move.

Most of all, Dan Snyder is doing the right thing by inducting you into the Ring of Fame this afternoon. It's a huge honor (I'm sure that you're aware) and you deserve it. So I guess that I can agree with Mr. Snyder on a few things...but he better not get too used to it.

Finally, Sean, I hope that you'll be our twelfth man for the rest of the season (we can't get in trouble for it if the refs can't see you!) starting this afternoon against the Giants. In the past we've had the "Five-and-oh, or we don't go!" chants and we've done it (and, of course, screwed up against Seattle in the first playoff game...but they can't go this year!), so please help out your team.

Love,

Karen

P.S. We'll always miss you.

Your Future Plane Rides Depend Upon It

Dear Ladell Betts,

Hey, do you remember that time when we were playing the Seattle Seahawks and you fumbled the ball, we almost lost the game, but we didn't, and then we all had a good laugh about it?

Well, not me. I did not have a good laugh. I didn't even have a bad laugh--there was no laughing! Fumbles upset me, Ladell. Bunches. They also make me wonder why you hate the Redskins.

Is it because Clinton Portis is better than you and gets the ball more often? It's not really fair to hate someone because they're awesome, Ladell. Please keep that in mind. You should be glad that you're our number two guy...because clearly, we need someone who doesn't fumble the freaking ball and give the Seahawks plenty of time to come back and win the game. I will say that you're better than Shaun Alexander, but so is my 8-year old cousin. Hope.

I hope that after the game you bought Shawn Springs a nice steak dinner for saving your butt by intercepting on Matt "I Wish I Was as Cool as My Sister-in-Law Elisabeth" Hasslebeck. Without that interception, we might have lost and you would have gone home on a different plane from the rest of your team. It's been known to happen.

Anyway, I'm sure that we're not going to get rid of you (thanks to Shawn Springs), so please shape up. Your future plane rides with the team depend upon it.

No More Fumbles!

Karen

By "Job" I Mean "Paid for Sunbathing"

Dear Jim Zorn,

Are you playing Clinton Portis or not? Enquiring minds (just mine) want to know! Can you just tell ME? I promise that I won't tell anyone else. See, the thing is, I'm freaking out a little here. It could be all the Red Bull-and-vodkas I've had or it could be my insecurity over the Redskins' skills. It's a toss up. Anti-Redskins Best Friend would say it's the vodka, but she's wrong about anything that's sports-related, so there you go. Always wrong.

I recently (like ten minutes ago) read something from some Dallas newspaper saying that the Cowboys are assuming that CP is playing. Now, I want him to play more than you do (I do!!!), but I also don't like any Cowboys being right. So I don't even know what to pray for (I also hate ending sentences with prepositions, but what am I going to do? Besides, I doubt that most people who read this know what prepositions are). Anyway, I want Portis to play. I also want to screw with the Cowboys. I'm sure that there is a way that both of these things can happen. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have Clinton Portis dress up in a Durant Brooks jersey. The Cowboys are too stupid to know that he's not our punter anymore; Portis can kick and even catch the ball all by himself, even though that's not really his job. That's how good he is.

2. Instead of instant replays, show local Clinton Portis commercials on the Jumbotron. The Cowboys will be confused. How can he be on that screen and be at the game at the same time? That doesn't seem possible. Clearly, he can't be playing. Foolish Cowboys.

3. Clinton Portis should play poorly for the first half and lull the Cowboys into a false sense of security (just like Anti-Redskins Best Friend's bunny rabbit does before she scratches the hell out of me) and then when the third quarter starts--BAM!! He goes crazy and gets mad yardage and schools the Cowboys. I will buy the DVD of that game. I will even start the bidding at $1 billion dollars. Anyone want to beat that? I doubt it. I win.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, you should tell the world that Portis isn't playing, and then at the last minute, tell the world that they are idiots for believing you because Clinton Portis is the man and he'll be there. At the game. Winning it for Washington. All Redskin fans will bow down before you and even worship you in a creepy way if you beat Dallas TWICE in your first season of coaching. Also, two wins against Dallas = five free years of coaching. You'll have' a job for years!!! I wish I had a job for years. And by "job" I mean, "paid for sunbathing".

You know about sunbathing, right? At least you're familiar with tanning beds. Patriots Boyfriend still asks me about that. And I still hit him. Until he hits back. Sigh.

Beat Dallas!!

Karen

Please Look at Your Backups!

Dear Clinton Portis,

Are you better yet? We need you to play on Sunday night for many different reasons. Here they are:

1. For the love of God, please look at your backups! Your backups aren't as good as you. Also, I've never heard of ONE player having FOUR backups! That's pretty sweet. You should see if you can get them to cover for you outside of games, too. If you can't show up for an Eastern Motors commerical shoot, just ask Mike Sellers to take your place, for example. I'm sure that he can sing that annoying jingle just as well as you can.

2. Your yards-per-season record. Come on, you almost have 1000 yards! How are you ever going to beat Eric Dickerson's record if you don't play in every game? To beat his record you currently need to get 159 yards per game, including this one. If you don't play in this game, that jumps up to about 185 yards. That doesn't seem quite as doable.

3. This. Is. Dallas. Come on, please play? We HAVE to beat the Cowboys! Are you willing to sit on the sidelines and watch us potentially lose? We're honoring Darrell Green and Art Monk at this game. If we lose because you didn't play, I have it on good authority (or do I?) that they might sprain your other MCL. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, you should play, but the team should continue to tell the media (and the dirty Cowboys) that you aren't playing so that you'll surprise everyone...especially Dallas.

Get Well Soon!

Karen

For Shame, Jim Zorn

Dear Jim Zorn,

What's the deal with getting all these (well, two) former Seattle Seahawks on our team? I mean, Ryan Plackemeier is much better than Durant Brooks, but so is everybody else. I bet that Sonny Jurgenson could suit up and beat the crap out of Durant Brooks, blindfolded. Sonny is sort of my hero (reports of drunk driving nonwithstanding). A commenter on this esteemed blog (it's esteemed by me!) questioned why we picked up that hack Shaun Alexander instead of young, fresh, awesome Marcus Mason. I wonder, too.

Mason is absolutely great. Maybe he's not a Chris Horton and maybe he was only absolutely great against second- and third-string opposing players during preseason, but shouldn't that have have been enough to secure a position with us? I mean, really, when you were looking at all the rookies that you drafted, you decided that Durant Brooks was a winner and Marcus Mason, with his crazy breakaways and awesome yardage, just didn't have what it takes?

I don't care if Shaun Alexander knows your offense already; if you'd kept Mason on from the beginning, he would not only know the offense, but he'd also have been practicing with Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts and learning from them. Now Mason is on the Baltimore Ravens' practice squad and if that's not a horrible place to be, I don't know what is (besides Dallas and Philadelphia).

For shame, Jim Zorn. For shame.

Disappointed in You,

Karen

P.S. You should know that some important people might be reading this blog. The CBS announcers on Sunday said some of the very things during their in-game commentary that I've said in my letters! Like the thing about not reading Chris Horton's name because his hair covers the top of his jersey! That's classic Redskin Letters material! Gosh. All someone has to do is mention being slapped around by Patriots Boyfriend and I'll know that they're reading for sure!

Please Take My Threats Seriously

Dear Clinton Portis,

Congratulations on having 818 yards in seven games...that's pretty cool!

You know what's not cool, though, CP? FUMBLING. Yeah, I said it. You don't get a free pass from me just because Phil Dawson missed that field goal and no points were scored off of your horrendous error. If that field goal was made, we probably would have ended the game in overtime and perhaps LOST the game.

You're lucky that our defense is so great (shout out to London Fletcher!). I hope that in the future you'll remember that you're not God, you CAN drop the ball, and you should always keep two arms around the ball. Preferably your arms.

Now get out there, do your thing and don't screw up again or I won't vote for you for the Pro Bowl. Yes, I'm threatening you. Do your worst!

Love,

Karen

P.S. Can you try to beat the record for most rushing yards in a season? The record was made in 1984 by Eric Dickerson with 2105. To get 2106 yards, you'll need to average 143.1 yards a game for the rest of the season. I believe in you. One of my buddies at work doesn't, though, so let's prove him wrong!

Please Sign My Jersey!

Dear Clinton Portis,

You're kind of flashy and I dig it. I love it when you dress up as Southeast Jerome and your other characters because I think that it gets fans super excited. Recently, you've been in the news for less than favorable things, but I'm on your side. When I heard that you'd totally bitched out future Hall-of-Famer Brian Mitchell, I was shocked and disappointed...until I heard what Mitchell had been saying. You were completely right to blast him and the media.

I always liked B-Mitch until this happened; this AND what I just heard him say on the Comcast Pre-game show! He said that it was obvious that Joe Gibbs wished that he was doing his NASCAR thing the last four years! WTF?! I'll force myself to admit that Saint Joe wasn't as passionate as he was in the '80s, but he was completely focused on the Redskins during his second tenure. So Brian Mitchell is dead to me, except during those times when Patriots Boyfriend says something like, "Who is Brian Mitchell, anyway?" and I flip out and start naming all of Mitchell's records and how he's going into the Hall and how I hate the Patriots and I hope they all tear their ACLs!

In conclusion, Clinton, you are awesome and the Dirty Thirty is not. Please play today like you did last week because you were on FIRE!!

Love,
Karen

P.S. Will you sign my #26 jersey? I wear it every single game day with my lucky, holey jeans, and I think that it definitely helps as long as I don't watch the game at my best friend's house. She's very anti-Redskins and very powerful...her negative vibes totally overpower the positive, pro-Redskins vibes from myself and her husband.