Are You a Businessman or a Crybaby?

Dear Dan Snyder,

I have something for you here.  Come closer.  Do you see it?  Yup, in the words of the meanest teacher that I had in high school, Sister Satan, "This is the smallest violin in the world playing 'My Heart Cries for You.'"  She was being sarcastic because she was a horrid person who didn't deserve to be married to Jesus, but her words have stuck with me nevertheless and I hope that they stick to you as well as Vinny Cerrato's lips stuck to your butt all the while that he worked for you and helped to make my beloved team what it is today: a team of  losers.

As everyone in the DC area is already aware, you've filed a lawsuit against Dave McKenna from the Washington City Paper and accused the paper of being a tabloid among other offenses because of his article that basically just reminded every Redskins fan of all the reasons why we dislike you.  Really, guy, people talk trash about you all the time.  For me, a conversation isn't complete until I've eviscerated you in some way (for example, when I spoke to a belligerent client on the phone about his dissatisfaction with my division and I quipped, "At least we're not Dan Snyder with the Redskins," and then he and I had a good laugh and became best friends).  Unfortunately for me, I'm pretty sure that I'm unprotected from your retribution unlike Dave McKenna is as member of the media.  I might have spent more time doing homework for other classes than actually doing...whatever it is that I was supposed to be doing during the year that I spent in Journalism (also the same year that I had Sister Satan as a teacher.  Hmm), but I did learn that journalists are at least a little bit protected from lawsuits.  Even though McKenna's article was super long (because you've screwed up that many times), did he really write anything libelous?  Even though he went on...and on...and on, you only picked, like, three things to complain about and one of them was a cartoon where someone drew horns on your head.

Look, Dan, people aren't always going to agree with you; mostly it's because you make terrible decisions, but I feel like it's also a good, general life lesson to learn that maybe no one has ever taught you.  You also never learned that the worst way to get your city on your side is to SUE ONE OF ITS NEWSPAPERS.  Come on.  It's no secret that Redskins fans despise you for...just about everything.  Why are you even defending yourself?  Are you a businessman or a crybaby?

It's bad enough that Albert Haynesworth is still on the team and getting indicted for assault because of the whole sticking-money-in-a-waitress's-cleavage thing.  We don't need more bad publicity!  McKenna's article only became famous because you decided to sue; he wasn't saying anything different than anyone else in this town.  Your lawsuit has actually generated more bad publicity for you than his article ever could have.  So congratulations.  You win.  At being the biggest loser in sports.

Please sell the team, you freaking asshat,

Karen

I'm Going To Suggest Seclusion

Dear Vinny,

May I call you Vinny?  Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t really care.  I am ecstatic that you have resigned.  I mean, it’s kind of seriously making my day right now…and my Christmas!  What was the last thing that I put in my “Joy to the World: Shaun Suisham’s Fired” song?  Something like, “I hope that Cerrato is fired next!”  Yeah.  Well, you weren’t fired, but I’m fairly positive that you were given the “resign or I’m firing you” ultimatum from Danny Boy.

You might wonder where you go from here.  I’m going to suggest seclusion where you’ll have time to grow a beard, put in some colored contacts, maybe gain fifty pounds and reinvent yourself.  No one will have to know that you were one of the worst General Managers in Redskins history—nay, football history itself.  You should have been fired or resigned directly after you wasted a draft pick on a punter.  And a terrible punter at that.  Durant Brooks.  I still hate that guy (note:  I realize that I have a weird, but all-consuming contempt for kickers/punters.  I have no idea why this is because I’ve never dated or been supremely wronged by one in my life.  My brother was a high school kicker and even though I still make fun of him for it, I’m unable to identify exactly what makes me do it.  In twenty years I’ll probably end up in therapy uncovering a repressed memory of a professional kicker stealing a lollipop from my three-year old hands).

Because I love to wax poetic, here is an acrostic poem for you (one of the easiest kinds):

Very
Ineffective
Nerdy and
Never going to succeed
You suck

I’m pretty sure that I speak for all of Washington, DC:  hit the road, Vinny, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.

Wondering who to pick on next,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Karen

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say?  This is the end of a long, hard road for me.  For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings.  A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired.  I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this?  Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season.  I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song.  So here goes.  Ahem.

Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!

We'll see him suck no more!

Zorn finally did something right;

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!

Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but

Instead he made us sick

Instead he made us sick

Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season

We might have stood a chance!

And my blog would've been more kind!

We could have beat the Cowboys

We could have beat the Saints

And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome

Since Redskin Brother's text!

And all that's left to wonder is

Who'll be fired next?

Who'll be fired next?

I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham.  I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker.  Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,

Karen

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

Done. Kaput. Over.

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow, tough break, guy.  I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other.  It's time to say good bye to the good old days.  You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.

Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list.  Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.

Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out.  You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree.  But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?

Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach.  It just isn’t done.   Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired.  To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things.  That had to hurt.  But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done.  Kaput.  Over.  The fat lady is singing.

Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach.  Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move.   The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding?  You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.

Let me repeat that:  they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally).  If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.

Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt.  I mean, seriously?!  A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort!  You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball.  And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed.  He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.

Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn.  Maybe you should try it some time.

Not surprised that you’re in this position,

Karen

P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!

P.P.S.  So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too.   As a person, not as my quarterback.  He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday.  A negative two.  NEGATIVE TWO.

Blah Blah Blah

Dear Vinny Cerrato,

I don't have much to say to you, really. I heard on Redskins Nation the other day from Larry Michael that this was your first year choosing players or blah blah blah why we should give you a break about sucking.

I will not give you a break. Wanna know why? Two words: Durant Brooks.

Where is Joe Gibbs when we need him?

Have a great weekend!

Karen

The Media is Jinxing Us!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may be wondering why I'm writing to you today; after all, I already congratulated you on Monday and you haven't screwed up anything in the past four days...that I know about. So why am I writing?

Because you need to look out. The media is jinxing the Redskins like crazy. All I'm seeing are headlines like, "Redskins ride turnover-free football to 3-1 record," "Redskins May Be Around For the Long Haul," and "Masters of disguise: Redskins defense confounds quarterbacks." I don't know what is worse: this blatant jinxing or the headlines that call us the "surprising" Redskins. Which are we? Masters of disguise or just plain lucky?

I'm not sure how you can plan against the bad luck that may befall you, but that's not my job...you're the one paid millions of dollars to figure this out. I will be happy to take a percentage from you for my problem-solving abilities, though. If you're hiring. (I live just a few miles from Redskins Park, so I'll never be late!)

Also, don't let your players start thinking that just because they beat the Cowboys they can just show up and beat everyone else. I know that Vinny Cerrato told Larry Michael on Reskins Nation that the players aren't thinking like that, but I don't trust him. He's too buddy-buddy with Dan Snyder, someone else that I don't trust. (Hmm...maybe Mom was right when she said that people judge you by who you hang out with. That's not good news for me: my friends are drunks and fascists!). That actually reminds me of something else I disapprove of! You let Dan Snyder HUG you! Don't even try to deny it because I saw it live on TV! I'm afraid this means that you've made a deal with the devil and I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, on one hand, it means that we should have an awesome season, but on the other hand, Satan's deals are never good for anyone but him.

In conclusion, do not be friends with Snyder because you'll be sad when he fires you. Also, make sure the 'Skins play well on Sunday. I'd personally appreciate Chris Cooley getting the ball a lot to help my Fantasy Football score. Right now I'm 2-2. Boo hoo.

Sincerely,

Karen