Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be.  Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful?  Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter.  Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six.  Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do).  Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills.  Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1.    Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A.  Field Goal Kicking
                B.  Kickoff Kicking
                C.  Being a human
                D.  All of the above

2.  Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A.  Head Butt-kisser
                B.  Worst General Manager ever
                C.  Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D.  All of the above

3.  Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A.  Old
                B.  Worn-out
                C.  Waste of the salary cap
                D.  All of the above

4.  Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A.  Crossword puzzles
                B.  Sudoku puzzles
                C.  Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D.  All of the above

5.  Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A.  Clinton Portis
                B.  Chris Cooley
                C.  Chris Horton
                D.  Jeremy Jarmon
                E.  Chris Samuels
                F.  Randy Thomas
                G.  Ladell Betts
                H.  DeAngelo Hall
                I.  Chad Reinhart
                J.  Eddie Williams
                K.  Colt Brennan
                L.  Albert Haynesworth
                M.  All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?”  Come on!  ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC.  The answer will always be that I think we can.  Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

It's Haiku Monday!

Dear Clinton Portis,

Guess what today is!!!!  It's Haiku Monday!  Don't confuse it with Drink Wine Monday, which today ALSO is.  Don't.  Seriously.  I'll get pissed.

Anyway, here are a bunch of haikus for you to pass along to your friends on the team.  You can even trade them for other haikus if you like.  It's like they're the gift that keeps on giving.

Portis is concussed

No more practices for him

His wish was granted

Ladell Betts got hurt

Just when he got kind of good

Out for the season

Samuels was so awesome

Why did he have to get hurt?

Please get well soon, Chris!

Cooley's pretty great

And if he wasn't married

I'd cure what ails him

Chris Horton's my fave

With his way awesome long hair

Wish he was healthy

Who remembers Colt?

Our CUT third-string quarterback

He's back in ten months!

I try to ignore

The irrelevant Jim Zorn

Just like other fans

There you go, Portis.  Also, you're killing me in fantasy football--I no longer consider it to be fantastic.

Love,

Karen

Go Back to Calling Bingo

Dear Sherman Lewis,

I don't know a whole lot about you except that you know the West Coast Offense and that you were calling bingo in your retirement.

Maybe you should go back to that.  Because I didn't see much of a difference between your play-calling and Zorn's last night.  We were still terrible.

And I had such high hopes, too.  :(

Also, what's so great about the West Coast Offense?  Seriously.  I want to go back to the good ol' days, back before Dan Snyder decided that he wanted West Coast and he'd hire someone as inexperienced as Zorn to get it.

Apologies for the short, boring letter, but I have not had even a sip of my gallon jug of Red Bull yet this morning and I'm tired.

Tell Cooley and Samuels that I hope they feel better,

Karen

You've Been Truthed!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.

But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):

1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?

2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.

3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?

4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!

No Regards,

Karen

P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.