We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's

Dear Jim Zorn,

Surprise!  I’m writing to you again.  Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing?  You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear.   Burgundy has never looked so average.

While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual.  In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins.  Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).

Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:

Punt Return Average (29th/32):  I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner.  I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches.  On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player.  While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us.  And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.

Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32):  Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball.  This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general.  If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey.  I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me.  Can’t throw, people will sack me.”  All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position.  After his tenure here, I don’t blame him.  I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.

Interception Rate (29th/32):  This one is on the defense, of course.  It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against.  Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league.  But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down?  Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).

Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings.  I want some pizza, dude.

Third Down Percentage (28th/32):  We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time.  This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week.  I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE.  Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that.  I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it.  He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line.  Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.

Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long.  I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.

Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,

Karen

You've Been Truthed!

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.

But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):

1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?

2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.

3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?

4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!

No Regards,

Karen

P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.