What's Ailing The Redskins?

Dear Redskins Nation,

Hello to my fellow Redskins fans.  I’ve made an important discovery and feel that I MUST share it with you all.  I know that many of you are tired of supporting a team with so many management/owner/coaching/playing problems and I don’t blame you—I’m sad, too.  But I believe that I know why we are doing so poorly and likewise, I know the cure.

The problem goes back a long way to before I was even born, to 1982 to be exact.  Joe Bugel called the offensive linemen “hogs” and they all decided that this was a wonderful nickname to be called with pride.  Yeah, I don’t know why, either.  These guys became super awesome, though, and Joe Theismann and John Riggins begged to join (John was allowed in as an honorary member, but Joe was refused, showing that these guys didn’t just have brawn—they had brains, too).  They were unstoppable, leading to three Super Bowls in less than a decade.  I like to refer to that time as “the good ol’ days.”

Fans embraced the Hogs, leading people around the Washington area to don pig snouts when attending games.  This practice is still done today because, let’s be honest, football fans are absolutely nuts.  Bonkers.  Crazy.  There’s a reason why “fan” is short for “fanatic.”  Some of these super fans, known as the Hogettes, dress up like old women and then put on their pig noses.  They’ve been on Jay Leno, three have been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for their fanaticism, and, best of all, some of them made a VISA commercial.  I kind of wish that I could be as cool as them.

So it is only natural for our Hogs to have been infected with the dreaded H1N1 flu.  The SWINE flu.  Yes, Redskins fans, the swine flu is what is truly ailing our players...and probably the coaches, management, and Dan Snyder.  It’s not their fault, though!  No one asks to get sick (unless he or she is me in elementary school.  I really wanted my tonsils taken out so that I could eat nothing but ice cream, but Redskins Parents are terrible and wouldn’t let me have the unnecessary surgery.  Jerks).  Usually the swine flu hits a person and then they’re better within a few days...maybe a week or two...and I realize that the Redskins have been sick for much longer but OF COURSE they would be!  They’re the HOGS for crying out loud!

You might ask how I’ve come to this incredibly thought-provoking conclusion.  What’s my evidence?  Well, let’s look at Swine Flu symptoms:

Fever: Have you seen how much these guys sweat?  Definitely feverish.

Runny nose or stuffy nose:  Some people might say that the players are crying after their losses, but I know the truth.  It’s just their sinuses!

Sore throat:  They are always hoarse in post-game interviews and I refuse to believe that it’s a coincidence.

Body aches:  Clinton Portis’s body aches so much that he can’t even practice every day!

Headaches:  Sure, they could blame it on helmet-to-helmet contact, but I think that it’s the flu that causes their heads to hurt.  Poor babies.

Chills:  I got chillssssssss, they’re multiplyingggggg.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Got distracted there.  The chills could explain why they’re so slow to get past the first down line on third-and-long situations.  Their poor bodies just aren’t warmed up enough.  Um.  Despite their fevers.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Let’s just go with it.

Fatigue or tiredness:  Clearly these guys are fatigued!!  They even act like they’ve given up, they’re so exhausted!

I say that we all gather and bring our players some chicken noodle soup, lots of juice and ibuprofen and help them to get better.

Who's with me???

Karen

We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's

Dear Jim Zorn,

Surprise!  I’m writing to you again.  Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing?  You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear.   Burgundy has never looked so average.

While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual.  In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins.  Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).

Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:

Punt Return Average (29th/32):  I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner.  I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches.  On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player.  While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us.  And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.

Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32):  Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball.  This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general.  If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey.  I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me.  Can’t throw, people will sack me.”  All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position.  After his tenure here, I don’t blame him.  I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.

Interception Rate (29th/32):  This one is on the defense, of course.  It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against.  Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league.  But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down?  Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).

Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings.  I want some pizza, dude.

Third Down Percentage (28th/32):  We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time.  This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week.  I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE.  Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that.  I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it.  He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line.  Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.

Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long.  I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.

Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,

Karen