Redskin Letters Is YouTubing It

Dear Redskin Fans,

Today's a big day, folks.  Redskins Brother and I attempted the Redskins conditioning test that Albert Haynesworth finally passed today.  We had, uh...mixed results.  But the great news is that you all get to see for yourselves.  That's right--Redskin Letters has graduated to video.  Please excuse the major suckage in the video editing because this is my first try at making a movie since Anti-Redskins Best Friend and I created "Grammar in the City" back in college.  Also, please excuse the major suckage in the content of the video.  Um, spoiler alert?





So there you have it.  Albert Haynesworth is better at passing a conditioning test than Redskins Brother and I.  I'm appropriately ashamed of myself.

But does Haynesworth know how to write a letter?  Or make a YouTube video?  Yeah, I didn't think so.

Love,

Karen

My Children Are Going to be Winners

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency.  Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict:  so far, not really.  But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year.  But cheer up!  I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies.  I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas.  NEVER THERE).  But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the blogging Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets."  Do you hear that, Redskins fans?  It's a contented sigh coming from all of you.  Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens.  This is like being demoted twice in a row.  In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back.  He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach.  I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach.  Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch.  This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day.  What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet.  We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM.  Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life.  Don't screw up, Bruce.  We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc.  Thank God that Randle El is gone.  I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams.  That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team.  Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that.  He didn't.  So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas.  I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts!  The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie!  And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!).  Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back.  It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps!  Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother.  He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver.  When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside.  Yeah, that's right, everyone!  Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself!  And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME!  ME!  Muahhahhahahah!  Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place!  Thanks, Redskins Brother!  And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world!  Sometimes I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it.  I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish.  It might teach me some responsibility.  If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins?  Well, it isn't.  Unless I name it after one of them.  Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn.  Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him.  Or Salmonta Moss?  Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?!  Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh.  We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

What's Ailing The Redskins?

Dear Redskins Nation,

Hello to my fellow Redskins fans.  I’ve made an important discovery and feel that I MUST share it with you all.  I know that many of you are tired of supporting a team with so many management/owner/coaching/playing problems and I don’t blame you—I’m sad, too.  But I believe that I know why we are doing so poorly and likewise, I know the cure.

The problem goes back a long way to before I was even born, to 1982 to be exact.  Joe Bugel called the offensive linemen “hogs” and they all decided that this was a wonderful nickname to be called with pride.  Yeah, I don’t know why, either.  These guys became super awesome, though, and Joe Theismann and John Riggins begged to join (John was allowed in as an honorary member, but Joe was refused, showing that these guys didn’t just have brawn—they had brains, too).  They were unstoppable, leading to three Super Bowls in less than a decade.  I like to refer to that time as “the good ol’ days.”

Fans embraced the Hogs, leading people around the Washington area to don pig snouts when attending games.  This practice is still done today because, let’s be honest, football fans are absolutely nuts.  Bonkers.  Crazy.  There’s a reason why “fan” is short for “fanatic.”  Some of these super fans, known as the Hogettes, dress up like old women and then put on their pig noses.  They’ve been on Jay Leno, three have been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for their fanaticism, and, best of all, some of them made a VISA commercial.  I kind of wish that I could be as cool as them.

So it is only natural for our Hogs to have been infected with the dreaded H1N1 flu.  The SWINE flu.  Yes, Redskins fans, the swine flu is what is truly ailing our players...and probably the coaches, management, and Dan Snyder.  It’s not their fault, though!  No one asks to get sick (unless he or she is me in elementary school.  I really wanted my tonsils taken out so that I could eat nothing but ice cream, but Redskins Parents are terrible and wouldn’t let me have the unnecessary surgery.  Jerks).  Usually the swine flu hits a person and then they’re better within a few days...maybe a week or two...and I realize that the Redskins have been sick for much longer but OF COURSE they would be!  They’re the HOGS for crying out loud!

You might ask how I’ve come to this incredibly thought-provoking conclusion.  What’s my evidence?  Well, let’s look at Swine Flu symptoms:

Fever: Have you seen how much these guys sweat?  Definitely feverish.

Runny nose or stuffy nose:  Some people might say that the players are crying after their losses, but I know the truth.  It’s just their sinuses!

Sore throat:  They are always hoarse in post-game interviews and I refuse to believe that it’s a coincidence.

Body aches:  Clinton Portis’s body aches so much that he can’t even practice every day!

Headaches:  Sure, they could blame it on helmet-to-helmet contact, but I think that it’s the flu that causes their heads to hurt.  Poor babies.

Chills:  I got chillssssssss, they’re multiplyingggggg.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Got distracted there.  The chills could explain why they’re so slow to get past the first down line on third-and-long situations.  Their poor bodies just aren’t warmed up enough.  Um.  Despite their fevers.  Yeah, I don’t know.  Let’s just go with it.

Fatigue or tiredness:  Clearly these guys are fatigued!!  They even act like they’ve given up, they’re so exhausted!

I say that we all gather and bring our players some chicken noodle soup, lots of juice and ibuprofen and help them to get better.

Who's with me???

Karen