Done. Kaput. Over.

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow, tough break, guy.  I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other.  It's time to say good bye to the good old days.  You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.

Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list.  Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.

Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out.  You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree.  But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?

Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach.  It just isn’t done.   Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired.  To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things.  That had to hurt.  But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done.  Kaput.  Over.  The fat lady is singing.

Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach.  Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move.   The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding?  You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.

Let me repeat that:  they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally).  If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.

Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt.  I mean, seriously?!  A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort!  You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball.  And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed.  He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.

Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn.  Maybe you should try it some time.

Not surprised that you’re in this position,

Karen

P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!

P.P.S.  So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too.   As a person, not as my quarterback.  He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday.  A negative two.  NEGATIVE TWO.

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

Leave it to the Gecko

Dear Jason Campbell,

Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.

Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.

NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:

1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.

2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.

3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!

Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.

Love,

Karen

P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.