Welcome to my Rex Grossman Nightmare

Dear Mike Shanahan,

It may surprise you to learn that I actually enjoy watching good football.  Every weekend during the greatest season next to Christmas, I spend about three hours watching a horrible, gut-wrenching game and then turn off the Redskins and watch a game (or two or three) where two better-than-mediocre teams come together and play their hardest.  Players catch balls, run for first downs, and kickers even make field goals.  It's beautiful and slightly enlarges my Grinch-sized black heart.  Only slightly, though, because we can't get too carried away.

Anyway, I'm a little slow because I'm only just starting to expect a Redskins loss every week.  Deep down in my aforementioned black heart, I truly thought that you wanted the team to win and that many of the players also wanted that.  Sure, a lot of them suck hardcore, but we still have a few gems who I look forward to watching, like Ryan Torain, Brandon Banks, London Fletcher, and DeAngelo Hall.  Do you know who is missing from that list?  REX GROSSMAN.

I know that Donovan McNabb isn't that great.  I wrote a lovely poem on Easter Sunday about how I didn't want him on our team, but everyone told me to give him a chance.  "He's better than Jason Campbell!" I heard.  Grudgingly, I decided to give McNabb a shot because he's our quarterback, though I'd like to point out that Campbell is ranked #20 for NFL quarterbacks and McNabb is at #25 (to be fair, though, Campbell would be much worse if he was still here.  I think that the NFL has given him extra points to make up for all his years of suffering at the hands of Dan Snyder).

So maybe whether McNabb or Campbell is better this season is up for argument, but are Redskins fans seriously supposed to believe that anyone other than Rex Grossman himself believes he is the right direction for the 'Skins to take?  I'd like to think that he's smart enough not to think that, either, but I'm probably wrong.

Ironically, since today is our game against the Cowboys, I feel like I'm watching an old episode of Dallas.  Just like Season Eight's "dream season" where not a single episode mattered, not a single Rex Grossman-led game for Washington will matter, either.  The hardest thing is knowing that Pam woke up from her horrible nightmare and I'm only starting mine.

Merry Christmas, Jerk,

Karen

P.S. Because of team loyalty, I will root for Rex Grossman to do well today.  And if he surprises the entire universe and succeeds today and into next season, I'll get a Grossman jersey.  I might have to scour my entire body after every time I wear it, but I'm willing to do it if it helps the Redskins win.

Let's All Vote NO Today

Dear Mike Shanahan,

Question:  Does Karen think that bringing JaMarcus Russell to Washington, DC to do anything more strenuous than lift a cup of Purple Drank a good idea?  Answer:  No!  No, no, NO! A million times NO!

I'm confused because I'm pretty sure that April Fools' Day is on April 1st every year and it never ever falls on November 2nd, but is there any other explanation for this atrocity?!  I know that Donovan McNabb hasn't been the best quarterback that the Redskins have ever seen, but he's kind of the best that we've seen in a long time (sorry, Jason Campbell, but I'm not going to lie).  He had that 45-yard run which was pretty sweet, you gotta admit.  Right?  Right?  So why are you having Russell practice with the team?  WHY?!

Hamstring issues aside, you can't possibly think that JaMarcus Russell is better than McNabb.  It just doesn't make sense.  The Oakland Raiders cut him!  They think that Jason Campbell is a better player than Russell (again, sorry, Jason)!!!  Even allowing that the Raiders suck and don't really know how to build a team anymore, isn't it likely that they know to drop the deadest of the dead weights (if it's unclear, I'm saying that Russell is that weight).  I'll even take Rex Grossman over Russell and we all saw what he did on Sunday--and it wasn't pretty.

Haven't you punished us enough with Joey "Wait-you-want-me-to-catch-the-ball?" Galloway and Stephon "I-got-your-penalties-right-here" Heyer?  Why must you threaten us with Mr. Purple Drank himself?

Voting NO on Russell this Election Day,

Karen

What, What, What Are You Doing?

Dear Mike Shanahan,

What are you doing?  What, what, what are you doing?  I've decided that you are the one to blame for what is now the Redskins' biggest problem because you're head coach.  For years, the biggest problem has been not converting on third downs, but I hereby proclaim that this is no longer true because NO ONE CAN FREAKING CATCH A FOOTBALL.

First, Carlos Rogers couldn't catch, but no one really expected him to suddenly start doing his job, so this wasn't enough to elevate the issue to Threat Level Orange.  But then it wasn't just him.  Everyone started missing catches and dropping balls until I had to seriously consider the possibility that all the players' bodies have been inhabited by football-repelling aliens.  I'm still deliberating.

At least the offense used to be able to catch, but Donovan McNabb insists on throwing a few balls towards Joey Galloway whose motto should be, "Don't throw the ball to me; I'm not even supposed to be here!" because he's not supposed to be there.  He should be sitting at home, watching the game on TV beneath a crocheted blanket, muttering to anyone who walks through the room that he could play better than "those young whippersnappers."  Because he's old.  Did you all catch that?

Anyway, Mike Shanahan, please fix this.  Immediately.  Santana Moss isn't sucking completely, so maybe get McNabb to keep throwing his way.  After this game, please work on catching drills--and I don't mean drills where the players practice catching the football.  I want them to literally have to catch power drills and the like (chainsaws, hammers, wrenches, and ballistic missiles are also acceptable).  They're never going to get better if you baby them.

Now I'm going to go back to watching the game.  You may resume coaching.  If you can call it that.

Love Kinda like,

Karen

Snyder and Jones, BFFs 4 Lyfe!

Dear Dan Snyder,

You really had me fooled.  I knew that you were a jerk and bad at being an owner, but I thought that all of your missteps and attempts to stuff cash into the holes of a sinking ship were done out of blind love of the Washington Redskins.  "Of course I hate him," I'd say in confidential tones to friends, family, and strangers on the Metro, "and of course I'd rather have anyone else as an owner, but at least he loves the team.  It's a lot like the love of a toddler for a pet that he will squeeze until its eyes bug out or it dies, but it's still love."

Love?  I scoff at the word.  An owner who loved his team would not pal around with the enemy.  That's right, we know that you and Dallas Cowboys' owner, Jerry Jones, are BFFs 4 lyfe.  I bet that you even have a photo of the two of you in a frame on your desk that says it.  I can excuse the Papa John's commercial, mostly because of my great love for Papa John's pizza (seriously, Papa John, if you read this I'll trade my first born child for a lifetime supply of your pizza...or even a months' supply), but you couldn't just keep it to friendly, tongue-in-cheek commercials with the Redskins' arch-nemesis, could you?  It's a rhetorical question, but I'll go ahead and answer it for you just in case you're a bit slow--NOPE, you couldn't just keep it there.

When I stopped by Redskins Parents' house this morning to eat Redskin Brother's stale popcorn and help rid Redskins Dad of a Corona Light (okay, it was more like 1:30pm, but that's still morning for me on the weekends), I felt figuratively warm all over because the family was watching football together already.  I had no warning of the upset that I would soon receive.  As everyone complained that I hadn't written any letters recently and they were surely going to start a hunger strike soon in hopes that I would bless them with something new*, I said that I was looking for inspiration.  I picked up the Washington Post in hopes of finding something that would inspire me, but all I saw was Donovan McNabb's advertisement for Capital One.  He was supposed to look confused because he's new in town, but I think that he was confused because he was in an ad without Campbell's Chunky Soup in his hands or his mommy by his side.  (Is she going to lace up your sneakers tonight, too, Donovan?).

Anyway, I lacked inspiration and Redskins Brother gave it to me when he told me about THIS interview:




That's right, Danny boy, you can't hide from the truth: your family vacations with Jerry Jones' family.  This is like Harry Potter and Voldemort hanging out and laughing about how they try to kill each other five months out of the year, but during the off-season they like to go to Boca and argue good-naturedly about whose turn it is to serve the mimosas.  Actually, that's probably an unfair comparison because Harry Potter has some good qualities and actually has some reasons to be an angsty teen whereas you are far too old to be a teenager.  And I'm waiting on the good qualities.

But seriously, Jerry Jones?!  It was bad enough watching you look up at him with that sickening puppy-dog look of adoration on your face during the interview, but hearing Jones blather on about how he's so surprised that the Redskins haven't won a Super Bowl under your reign of terror was like eating one insult after another.  Of all the owners in the entire league, you had to choose the only jerk as big as you as a mentor.  In fact, if I were faced with the choice of you or him as the owner of the Washington Redskins, I think that my mind would implode and I'd stand in place until someone rescued me.  Hopefully someone with ice cream...or Papa John's.

The jig is up.  You don't love the Redskins; in fact, I think that your friendship with Jerry Jones proves that you're probably working against the Redskins from within.  After all, who cares if you lose every season if the fans keep coming back game after game and paying $8 for a Bud Light?  You suck.

Go Redskins!  Beat Dallas!

Karen

*I'm lying.  They did not do this.

I Can't Believe That Jesus Died For This

Dear Donovan McNabb,

Thanks for ruining my Easter, jerkface.  I wanted to find the best possible way to let you know my true feelings about you becoming a Redskin, but I simply don't have the time to drive up to Philadelphia and nail my version of Martin Luther's "95 Theses" to your door.  Do you know what I do have time for, though?  That's right, a poem.  Because that's how I roll, sucker.

Once upon a time in the land of D.C.
Redskins fans everywhere had the same dream
That Shanahan and Allen wouldn't ruin our season
But what they've done seems more like treason

Sure, we might be lacking in the quarterback position
But it doesn't excuse this terrible decision
The only players who are worse than Donovan McNabb
Are probably just the ones that we already have

Signing Rex Grossman was a horrible call
But trading for McNabb is the worst one of all
The only thing that could make me sicker
Is getting Shaun Suisham back as our kicker

Who in Hell wants McNabb on their team?
(Obviously, I'm angered to the extreme)
His past performance is not that of legends
Why should we take Philly's sloppy seconds?

I wish that I had a hot tub time machine
To go back to Coach Gibbs and the 1980s
And forget this Easter and everything gone amiss
Because I can't believe that Jesus died for this.

Happy Stinkin' Easter,

Karen

Cool Name. Plus Five.

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m back to comment on the Redskins current rankings!  I know that you’re just as thrilled as I am.  Mostly I’m glad that today is about pointing out what we as a team are doing well.  Too many of my letters recently have been negative and while there are valid reasons for that (like, we’re one of the worst teams in the NFL), it disappoints me when I have to criticize.  I don’t like doing that.  I much prefer the letters that I wrote at the beginning of the 2008-09 season when I was, perhaps, less witty but enthusiastic with my praise.

Anyway, let’s get started:

Field Goals Made (tied for 1^st/32):  Okay, before I get into the praising portion of this letter, let me say that this one statistic isn’t the only thing that we should be looking at in regards to Shaun Suisham.  We also have to look at the fact that he’s a Canadian (fail) and, slightly less importantly, he is SECOND-TO-LAST in the NFL for kickoff kickers.  Though our ability to score three points when our offense can’t make it into the red zone is pretty necessary to get any points on the board, having a kicker who can kick the ball right where we need it is way more important.  A good kicker gives the opposing team horrible starting field position and Suisham doesn’t cut it.  Which leads me into (finally) something we’re good at:

Kickoff Return Average (1^st/32):  I realize that the complaint above would lead some to think that the Redskins’ opponents must start on our side of the field, BUT luckily our Special Teams are around to prevent opposing teams to capitalize on Suisham’s failings.  Well…they don’t always prevent them, but being in first place is good enough for me.

Fourth Down Percentage / Red Zone Percentage (2^nd/32):  See, our defense does pretty well in general, but here are two categories where we’re exceptionally good; when the opposing team only needs a few yards to get the first down or the touchdown, we stop them more than almost every other team.  Can you imagine how many points would be scored on us if our red zone defense wasn’t so stellar?

Passing Yards Per Game (3^rd/32) and Yards Per Game (5^th/32):  Basically, our pass coverage is awesome thanks to players like Chris Horton, LaRon Landry, and Fred Smoot, but our ground coverage isn’t nearly so good—we’re 24^th in the league for Rushing Yards Per Game allowed.  Since we appear to have the pass coverage down, why not focus a little on the rest, Zorn?  Probably I should be writing to Greg Blache about that, but really, aren’t you his boss?  Can’t you pass along the word?  What is it that you do over there now???

Sacks (6^th/32): Thank Andre Carter for this one.  The way that he took down Donovan McNabb on Monday night made me want to bake him some cookies.  But then we lost the game and I lost the urge.  Still, it was pretty epic.

London Fletcher: Okay, he wasn’t on the list, but I should point out here that he leads the NFL in tackles for the season.  And he has a cool name.  Plus five for that.

There you go, Jim Zorn.  A (mostly) positive letter.  Enjoy it, because it’ll probably be the last one that you see until your good bye letter at the end of the season.

Happy reading over the bye week,

Karen