07 October 2012

I Have So Many Emotions

Dear Mike Shanahan,

REMEMBER ME?  I'm sure that my nearly 18-month absence lulled you into a false sense of security.  Perhaps you believed that drafting an absolute stud like Mr. Griffin the Third was enough to silence me, but you were wrong.  As I told Redskins Fiance throughout today's game, I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS and now you get to hear alllllllll about them.  Strap yourself in; it's going to be a long and disturbing ride, just like my experience watching the Redskins lose to the Atlanta Falcons.

To be nice, I'll start with what I like: Alfred Morris.  Like all the previous Alfred's before him, he's a class act and super impressive at his job.  Just like Batman can't eat breakfast in the morning without his Alfred, Mr. Griffin the Third can't be as effective without his own wingman (I mean...we can't expect him to throw the ball to himself--though I'm certain that he'd be good at that if he set his mind to it).  Alfred Morris is amazing.  He reminds me of a young, effective Clinton Portis and everyone knows how much I adored Portis.  This guy is a MONSTER and it's hard to take him down.  One of my favorite things today was watching them play the exact same play over and over again and the Falcons looking surprised that Morris was able to get a first down despite their mediocre efforts.

DeAngelo Hall was surprising, too, since he generally misses tackles and has one good play a game--but today he had at least TWO good plays and I was super proud of him.

Who noticed Sav Rocca's punt within the 5-yard line?  I noticed, I liked, and I almost started regretting my notoriously sour feelings against punters just because they're almost like cousins to kickers..but don't get me STARTED on "Cousins."

He's an unsung hero, but London Fletcher is still a beast in my eyes.  Yes, he had a penalty against him, but how often does he get penalized?  The answer is "not often" because he's really just that great.  Did that one penalty cost us the game?  Of course not.  Kirk Cousins cost us the game, not any one penalty.  But we'll get to that douche canoe later.

Brandon Banks gets a bad rap. He's this little, tiny guy and he's not very effective. Most of the time when he runs with a kick or punt return, he gets stopped at the 20-yard line and EVERYONE is like, "DUDE!  I could do that!  Just take a knee in the End Zone!"  Honestly, I love that he still tries, unlike Antwaan Randle El back in the day.  And today, Brandon Banks had an awesome return that put us in Falcon territory.  He's not a perfect player, but I was proud of his attempts.  I think that he can do more than he has, but he keeps me interested in seeing what he'll do  every week.

Mr. Griffin the Third is...well, it's too soon to call him Saint RGIII unless he actually dies from his probable concussion (the "Saint" title is reserved for real saints and Joe Gibbs).  I love watching this man play football.  He makes me feel like I could be a better person and that poverty could be cured just because of the beauty I see everytime that he pitches the ball to Alfred Morris and we get a first down.  Please get better, Mr. Griffin the Third.  I love AND respect you.

Let's not forget Ryan Kerrigan.  Even Anti-Redskins Best Friend loves this guy and for good reason.  I love that when he caught that interception, he didn't hesitate.  He just got it and ran it in for the touchdown as if he does it all the time when we all know that he doesn't because he's a Redskin and he almost NEVER gets that opportunity. 

Josh Wilson was sometimes good and sometimes bad.  But he's #26, Clinton Portis' number, so I have a a soft spot in my heart for him.  And I expect more than what he did...but he had just enough good plays to keep my mouth shut for another week.

But you know what, Shanahan?  You have problems...two in particular.  The first is Billy Cundiff.  I wasn't willing to overlook last week's dismal 25% field goal completion rate AT ALL, but today was a new game and all I cared about was winning--if it had to be with him on our team, SO BE IT.  Then he missed another field goal.  FOR SERIOUS.  I don't even...I don't understand.    There are no words.  My brain shuts down whenever I try to determine why Cu**f*** (yeah, I made up a name for him) is still on the team.

The second problem is Kirk "Ken Doll" Cousins.  The name "Cousins" gives me a nice warm feeling because I LOVE my cousins and I was pleasantly surprised by his touchdown pass to Santana Moss.  "Oh my God!" I shouted at my TV.  "Kirk Cousins!  He doesn't suck!"  Smiles were seen, wine was poured, and wine was savored (by me--lots of it).  Even if the Redskins offensive line is still terrible, maybe we have a valuable backup in Kirk Cousins!  Though it was like a knife stabbed into my heart to see a dazed Mr. Griffin the Third walk to the locker room to get looked over, I was cautiously excited.  Maybe Cousins was more than just the stupidest fourth round pick than I'd ever seen.

Then he threw an interception.  Suddenly, the game was tied up.  Redskins Fiance tried to convince me that this kid was okay and he'd just had a little bad luck, but I was not quick to agree.  I've been a football fan longer and harder than this guy (I would never agree to marry someone who thought that he was a bigger fan--it would open him up to a world of physical pain every football season when I proved otherwise through cage-fighting) so I know a LITTLE (a lot) more about the game than he does.  I was proven right when Cousins threw yet ANOTHER interception.

Please pass on this message to Kirk Cousins:  I understand that you LOOK like a Ken doll...but are you playing like crap because you have no penis...LIKE A KEN DOLL?  That is my only explanation.  I hope that Barbie can assuage your feelings of impotence tonight, but I don't have high hopes--

Much like the rest of Washington.  Until Mr. Griffin the Third is fully healthy, no one has high hopes.  Please get him back.

Your team's #1 fan,



Bears Drunk said...

I think Jim Lehrer has better control of a situation than Cundiff.

In your next post, please explain the almost animal-worship of Griffin III?

Karen said...

@Bears Drunk,

Animal worship of Mr. Griffin the Third is easy to explain: we haven't had better than mediocre quarterbacks in so long that a guy who is better than mediocre looks like a god (and I defy you to prove that he isn't despite today's unfortunate incident). GOOD LUCK!

Ty said...

Meh, Kirk Cousins is a great QB... especially for a backup QB and we drafted him for his ability. All QBs toss INTs during their careers and I'm sure the all-holy RGIII will throw a few this season.
Dear biggest fan, don't shit on the backup QB who comes into the game vs one of the highest ranked defenses and undefeated teams in the league. (posted on Melissa's FB page as well, thought I'd post here)

Michael Rodriguez said...

wow nice letter, im impressed and completely agree with everything you mentioned.

when u brought up Kerrigan it reminded me of this play, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX4WZeFqRJM

by the way the crowd went wild yesterday when he got that INT for a TD. I was 7 rows from the field and gave me goosebumps.


by the way I came across your letter because I know your brother Mike Stanton.

Michael Rodriguez said...

i made a Ryan Kerrigan video: