27 April 2011

Are You a Businessman or a Crybaby?

Dear Dan Snyder,

I have something for you here.  Come closer.  Do you see it?  Yup, in the words of the meanest teacher that I had in high school, Sister Satan, "This is the smallest violin in the world playing 'My Heart Cries for You.'"  She was being sarcastic because she was a horrid person who didn't deserve to be married to Jesus, but her words have stuck with me nevertheless and I hope that they stick to you as well as Vinny Cerrato's lips stuck to your butt all the while that he worked for you and helped to make my beloved team what it is today: a team of  losers.

As everyone in the DC area is already aware, you've filed a lawsuit against Dave McKenna from the Washington City Paper and accused the paper of being a tabloid among other offenses because of his article that basically just reminded every Redskins fan of all the reasons why we dislike you.  Really, guy, people talk trash about you all the time.  For me, a conversation isn't complete until I've eviscerated you in some way (for example, when I spoke to a belligerent client on the phone about his dissatisfaction with my division and I quipped, "At least we're not Dan Snyder with the Redskins," and then he and I had a good laugh and became best friends).  Unfortunately for me, I'm pretty sure that I'm unprotected from your retribution unlike Dave McKenna is as member of the media.  I might have spent more time doing homework for other classes than actually doing...whatever it is that I was supposed to be doing during the year that I spent in Journalism (also the same year that I had Sister Satan as a teacher.  Hmm), but I did learn that journalists are at least a little bit protected from lawsuits.  Even though McKenna's article was super long (because you've screwed up that many times), did he really write anything libelous?  Even though he went on...and on...and on, you only picked, like, three things to complain about and one of them was a cartoon where someone drew horns on your head.

Look, Dan, people aren't always going to agree with you; mostly it's because you make terrible decisions, but I feel like it's also a good, general life lesson to learn that maybe no one has ever taught you.  You also never learned that the worst way to get your city on your side is to SUE ONE OF ITS NEWSPAPERS.  Come on.  It's no secret that Redskins fans despise you for...just about everything.  Why are you even defending yourself?  Are you a businessman or a crybaby?

It's bad enough that Albert Haynesworth is still on the team and getting indicted for assault because of the whole sticking-money-in-a-waitress's-cleavage thing.  We don't need more bad publicity!  McKenna's article only became famous because you decided to sue; he wasn't saying anything different than anyone else in this town.  Your lawsuit has actually generated more bad publicity for you than his article ever could have.  So congratulations.  You win.  At being the biggest loser in sports.

Please sell the team, you freaking asshat,



Bears Drunk said...

I like how he sued Washington City Paper. As if they had any real money to pay out in legal fees.

Anonymous said...

So how do you feel about this season? Your rants are usually amusing.