Redskin Letters

Are You a Businessman or a Crybaby?

2011-04-27T23:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Dan Snyder,

I have something for you here. Come closer. Do you see it? Yup, in the words of the meanest teacher that I had in high school, Sister Satan, "This is the smallest violin in the world playing 'My Heart Cries for You.'" She was being sarcastic because she was a horrid person who didn't deserve to be married to Jesus, but her words have stuck with me nevertheless and I hope that they stick to you as well as Vinny Cerrato's lips stuck to your butt all the while that he worked for you and helped to make my beloved team what it is today: a team of losers.

As everyone in the DC area is already aware, you've filed a lawsuit against Dave McKenna from the Washington City Paper and accused the paper of being a tabloid among other offenses because of his article that basically just reminded every Redskins fan of all the reasons why we dislike you. Really, guy, people talk trash about you all the time. For me, a conversation isn't complete until I've eviscerated you in some way (for example, when I spoke to a belligerent client on the phone about his dissatisfaction with my division and I quipped, "At least we're not Dan Snyder with the Redskins," and then he and I had a good laugh and became best friends). Unfortunately for me, I'm pretty sure that I'm unprotected from your retribution unlike Dave McKenna is as member of the media. I might have spent more time doing homework for other classes than actually doing...whatever it is that I was supposed to be doing during the year that I spent in Journalism (also the same year that I had Sister Satan as a teacher. Hmm), but I did learn that journalists are at least a little bit protected from lawsuits. Even though McKenna's article was super long (because you've screwed up that many times), did he really write anything libelous? Even though he went on...and on...and on, you only picked, like, three things to complain about and one of them was a cartoon where someone drew horns on your head.

Look, Dan, people aren't always going to agree with you; mostly it's because you make terrible decisions, but I feel like it's also a good, general life lesson to learn that maybe no one has ever taught you. You also never learned that the worst way to get your city on your side is to SUE ONE OF ITS NEWSPAPERS. Come on. It's no secret that Redskins fans despise you for...just about everything. Why are you even defending yourself? Are you a businessman or a crybaby?

It's bad enough that Albert Haynesworth is still on the team and getting indicted for assault because of the whole sticking-money-in-a-waitress's-cleavage thing. We don't need more bad publicity! McKenna's article only became famous because you decided to sue; he wasn't saying anything different than anyone else in this town. Your lawsuit has actually generated more bad publicity for you than his article ever could have. So congratulations. You win. At being the biggest loser in sports.

Please sell the team, you freaking asshat,

Karen

Please Get Your Collective Act Together

2011-03-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Redskins,

Yep. ALL OF YOU. I can't turn my back on you (and by "turn my back" I mean "drink my weight in wine and then some," not actually giving up on you clowns) for three months before you're causing trouble all over the place. Every time I hear a new piece of news, I tell people, "I'm so going to write a letter to that guy!" but then another one of you gets into the biggest pickle of the off-season. I am way too busy and important to keep track of all this, but I'm going to do my best to address what I can.

1. Albert Haynesworth. I'm mad at you. Seriously. Mostly I'm mad that I'm trying to write you this darn letter one-handed because I don't want to put down my wine glass (I'm over 21, don't judge me), but I'm also upset because of assault. You've assaulted my eyes and my senses because I had to read this and this. Come on, guy. We've all felt murderous rage towards other motorists, but at least some of us are smart enough not to get caught. As for the other thing, as a female and former waitress I can tell you in no uncertain terms that women don't want strange dudes putting fingers in their cleavage. I PROMISE YOU. Please stop. Also, I shouldn't even be writing to you because you shouldn't be on the team anymore. LEAVE. You'd be too expensive even if you were performing well, which you aren't. Suspension kind of leads to that.

2. Brandon Banks. What the eff, kid? I'm not really a fashionista (though I know better than to wear a Canadian tuxedo), but I'm pretty sure that Stacy and Clinton have said that wearing white after Labor Day is A-okay in their books. So, why, why, WHY would you start a fight with a be-knifed dude over his white-on-white outfit? You do realize that the real police come to altercations, right? The "fashion police" come to alterations. And their existence is just a joke that I wish was totally and completely real (let's face it: if the fashion police existed, we'd be able to avoid Ed Hardy, Uggs, and websites that show horrific things like this). I know how hurtful it is when people don't dress to impress--I GET IT. But you know who isn't ever in the news for stabbing or being stabbed? That's right, ME. Learn it, love it, live it.

3. Dan Snyder. I'm so tired of you. I understand that all you care about is money. I mean, I understand that that's a thing that some people care about. I care about it, too, when I'm hard on my luck and ~~midgets~~ little people appear in the King's castle and offer to spin a bunch of straw into gold so that I don't die or something. But you know what I care about more than money? WINNING. Duh. Guess what the Redskins have NOT been doing? And do you know what doesn't help your image as one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL? Suing journalists who call you one of the most inadequate owners in the NFL. The only time in your entire tenure as owner that your worth went up was unfortunately when Sean Taylor (RIP #21) died. Since I don't want any more star players to die, I have no idea how you're going to manage that feat again unless you start groveling to fans. Maybe start with lowering the cost of stadium beer from $8 a cup to anything below that. We're in a recession, after all, and I know how to sneak booze inside and drink for free. Just saying.

4. Clinton Portis. I love you too much to include you with these guys. When I drink enough again, you'll get your own letter.

Until then, Redskins, please get your collective act together.

Love,

Karen

Welcome to my Rex Grossman Nightmare

2010-12-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Mike Shanahan,

It may surprise you to learn that I actually enjoy watching good football. Every weekend during the greatest season next to Christmas, I spend about three hours watching a horrible, gut-wrenching game and then turn off the Redskins and watch a game (or two or three) where two better-than-mediocre teams come together and play their hardest. Players catch balls, run for first downs, and kickers even make field goals. It's beautiful and slightly enlarges my Grinch-sized black heart. Only slightly, though, because we can't get too carried away.

Anyway, I'm a little slow because I'm only just starting to expect a Redskins loss every week. Deep down in my aforementioned black heart, I truly thought that you wanted the team to win and that many of the players also wanted that. Sure, a lot of them suck hardcore, but we still have a few gems who I look forward to watching, like Ryan Torain, Brandon Banks, London Fletcher, and DeAngelo Hall. Do you know who is missing from that list? REX GROSSMAN.

I know that Donovan McNabb isn't that great. I wrote a lovely poem on Easter Sunday about how I didn't want him on our team, but everyone told me to give him a chance. "He's better than Jason Campbell!" I heard. Grudgingly, I decided to give McNabb a shot because he's our quarterback, though I'd like to point out that Campbell is ranked #20 for NFL quarterbacks and McNabb is at #25 (to be fair, though, Campbell would be much worse if he was still here. I think that the NFL has given him extra points to make up for all his years of suffering at the hands of Dan Snyder).

So maybe whether McNabb or Campbell is better this season is up for argument, but are Redskins fans seriously supposed to believe that anyone other than Rex Grossman himself believes he is the right direction for the 'Skins to take? I'd like to think that he's smart enough not to think that, either, but I'm probably wrong.

Ironically, since today is our game against the Cowboys, I feel like I'm watching an old episode of Dallas. Just like Season Eight's "dream season" where not a single episode mattered, not a single Rex Grossman-led game for Washington will matter, either. The hardest thing is knowing that Pam woke up from her horrible nightmare and I'm only starting mine.

Merry Christmas, Jerk,

Karen

P.S. Because of team loyalty, I will root for Rex Grossman to do well today. And if he surprises the entire universe and succeeds today and into next season, I'll get a Grossman jersey. I might have to scour my entire body after every time I wear it, but I'm willing to do it if it helps the Redskins win.

Still On The Team--For Now

2010-12-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Graham Gano,

I generally catch a lot of flack for how I treat Redskins kickers in my letters which I've never understood because LOOK AT YOU GUYS. I really thought that anyone was better than Shaun "Shortbus" Suisham as evidenced by my many poetic overtures saying that almost word for word, but you're forcing me to reconsider. I don't appreciate being forced to do anything (just ask Redskins Dad how long I stood next to his chair, refusing to swallow a mouthful of green beans ~~last week~~ when I was a toddler--I dare ya) and I especially don't like thinking about Shaun Suisham, even for purposes of comparison. It makes my tummy hurt.

But sometimes a girl has to get a hot cup of tea and some crackers and calm her stomach enough to make a few comparisons. It's called taking one for the team, which you might be unfamiliar with because of how many field goals you miss on a weekly basis. That's called not being a team player, jerk-who-I-hate. Prior to today's game, you had missed nine of twenty-nine field goals, ranking you 36th in the NFL. THIRTY-SIXTH! THE NFL ONLY HAS THIRTY-TWO TEAMS! Don't expect your ranking to get much better after today.

I'm also disappointed because your birthday is the day (and a few years) after mine and you were born in Scotland, which makes you seriously cooler than Shaun "I-hail-from-the-Great-White-North-eh?" Suisham. Yeah, yeah, he sucked pretty badly and you'll never get me to say otherwise, but you're still worse because you're still on the team. For now.

You've been (kind of) warned,

Karen

For Serious, Dude

2010-11-28T13:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Joey Galloway,

Guess who has two thumbs and isn't sad to see you released? THIS GIRL! What will I not miss the most about you? How you couldn't catch the effing football. For serious, dude. By the way, as established, you're super old, so don't you think that it's about time to shorten "Joey" to "Joe"? You're not Sonny Jurgensen, for God's sakes; besides, it's not like we can call him "Son Jurgensen." It just won't work.

Anyway, I'm gonna get back to watching this game, but I just wanted to tell you to retire like you should have done a few years ago--or go play for the Cowboys. Whichever.

Peace out, cub scout,

Karen

Let's All Vote NO Today

2010-11-02T18:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Mike Shanahan,

Question: Does Karen think that bringing JaMarcus Russell to Washington, DC to do anything more strenuous than lift a cup of Purple Drank a good idea? Answer: No! No, no, NO! A million times NO!

I'm confused because I'm pretty sure that April Fools' Day is on April 1st every year and it never ever falls on November 2nd, but is there any other explanation for this atrocity?! I know that Donovan McNabb hasn't been the best quarterback that the Redskins have ever seen, but he's kind of the best that we've seen in a long time (sorry, Jason Campbell, but I'm not going to lie). He had that 45-yard run which was pretty sweet, you gotta admit. Right? Right? So why are you having Russell practice with the team? WHY?!

Hamstring issues aside, you can't possibly think that JaMarcus Russell is better than McNabb. It just doesn't make sense. The Oakland Raiders cut him! They think that Jason Campbell is a better player than Russell (again, sorry, Jason)!!! Even allowing that the Raiders suck and don't really know how to build a team anymore, isn't it likely that they know to drop the deadest of the dead weights (if it's unclear, I'm saying that Russell is that weight). I'll even take Rex Grossman over Russell and we all saw what he did on Sunday--and it wasn't pretty.

Haven't you punished us enough with Joey "Wait-you-want-me-to-catch-the-ball?" Galloway and Stephon "I-got-your-penalties-right-here" Heyer? Why must you threaten us with Mr. Purple Drank himself?

Voting NO on Russell this Election Day,

Karen

What, What, What Are You Doing?

2010-10-24T13:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Mike Shanahan,

What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing? I've decided that you are the one to blame for what is now the Redskins' biggest problem because you're head coach. For years, the biggest problem has been not converting on third downs, but I hereby proclaim that this is no longer true because NO ONE CAN FREAKING CATCH A FOOTBALL.

First, Carlos Rogers couldn't catch, but no one really expected him to suddenly start doing his job, so this wasn't enough to elevate the issue to Threat Level Orange. But then it wasn't just him. Everyone started missing catches and dropping balls until I had to seriously consider the possibility that all the players' bodies have been inhabited by football-repelling aliens. I'm still deliberating.

At least the offense used to be able to catch, but Donovan McNabb insists on throwing a few balls towards Joey Galloway whose motto should be, "Don't throw the ball to me; I'm not even supposed to be here!" because he's not supposed to be there. He should be sitting at home, watching the game on TV beneath a crocheted blanket, muttering to anyone who walks through the room that he could play better than "those young whippersnappers." Because he's old. Did you all catch that?

Anyway, Mike Shanahan, please fix this. Immediately. Santana Moss isn't sucking completely, so maybe get McNabb to keep throwing his way. After this game, please work on catching drills--and I don't mean drills where the players practice catching the football. I want them to literally have to catch power drills and the like (chainsaws, hammers, wrenches, and ballistic missiles are also acceptable). They're never going to get better if you baby them.

Now I'm going to go back to watching the game. You may resume coaching. If you can call it that.

~~Love~~ Kinda like,

Karen

Their Own Personal Meat Market

2010-09-15T00:40:00.001-04:00

Dear Clinton Portis,

Sometimes, dear sir, you really need to keep your mouth shut. I've written to you about this before, but I didn't really care about your feelings regarding Jim Zorn. I do care about your insulting remarks about women reporters, though, because I'm a woman and, as such, I'm appalled that you didn't get it right. To refresh your sporadically concussed memory, a female sports reporter, Ines Sainz, is complaining that New York Jets players sexually harassed her. When apprised of the situation, you had some choice words that irritated me. Let's break it down together, shall we?

"You know man, I think you put women reporters in the locker room in positions to see guys walking around naked, and you sit in the locker room with 53 guys, and all of the sudden you see a nice woman in the locker room, I think men are gonna tend to turn and look and want to say something to that woman. For the woman, I think they make it so much that you can't interact and you can't be involved with athletes, you can't talk to these guys, you can't interact with these guys.

"And I mean, you put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebody got to be appealing to her. You know, somebody got to spark her interest, or she's gonna want somebody. I don't know what kind of woman won't, if you get to go and look at 53 men's packages. And you're just sitting here, saying 'Oh, none of this is attractive to me.' I know you're doing a job, but at the same time, the same way I'm gonna cut my eye if I see somebody worth talking to, I'm sure they do the same thing." (Transcript courtesy of D.C. Sports Blog's Dan Steinberg)

Problem 1: You didn't even mention how women shouldn't be allowed in the locker room in the first place because they have no right to take jobs that belong to men.

Problem 2: Um, hello? These women need to be reminded that it's really hard for them to cook your dinner if they're not at home in the kitchen. Where was that comment, Portis?

Problem 3: Where's the fact that women who walk into a room full of naked men are clearly on the prowl? Don't be kind and give them the benefit of the doubt by saying "I know you're doing a job," because if they're actually good at their jobs, they can arrange for interviews outside the locker room with fully clothed players. These female reporters are treating you poor men like their own personal meat market and I don't think that you should stand for it any longer.

Problem 4: Why didn't you question who these women slept with to even get into the locker room in the first place? Affirmative action can get them into the stadium, but that's not enough to get past security. If you know what I am saying.

Problem 5: Maybe it's because you're a guy and guys don't pay attention to fashion, but you didn't even wonder what Sainz was wearing on the alleged day of harassment? Granny sweater and mom jeans = no harassment allowed, but anything-that-makes-it-evident-that-she's-a-woman? That's like giving someone a Freedom to Harass card (Ben Roethlisberger approved) and men and women everywhere should know this and respect it.

Problem 6: Too much implication and too few direct statements. I want you to say definitively for the record that any female (reporter or not) who walks into a room and gets to see fifty-three male "packages" is a damn liar if she denies finding at least one that's attractive. And not only is she a liar, but she's also being spiteful for dragging down the fragile egos of those poor men. Come on, women! Show some respect and let these men know that the only reason why you wanted to be a sports reporter was to ogle their goodies!

Problem 7: While you're at it, ask when it became a crime to give a woman a compliment? If she feels dirty afterward, that's her problem, not yours. And she probably has daddy issues. Or low self-esteem. Or too high self-esteem. OOH! Maybe she was on her period. Women are such witches during their time of the month (except for me--I'm still a delight and I'll cut anyone who suggests otherwise).

Problem 8: Other topics regarding female reporters that you didn't address but should have: their dumb questions, how they turn everything to some story starring themselves (this girl at my work is always doing that and it's so freaking annoying to everyone*), how none of them really know anything about sports, how they cry all the time, how they don't know when not to put a drunk on live television (I'm looking at you, Suzy Kolber); you really missed the boat, Portis, and I expect someone with a name like Clinton to have a little more knowledge of women than you showed the other day.

Severely disappointed in you,

Karen (Who is on Her Way Back to the Kitchen Immediately and Deserves to be Slapped if Dinner isn't Served at 5:00pm on the Dot)

P.S. For homework, please watch these prime examples of women failing at being sports reporters

*the girl is me

Snyder and Jones, BFFs 4 Lyfe!

2010-09-12T16:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Dan Snyder,

You really had me fooled. I knew that you were a jerk and bad at being an owner, but I thought that all of your missteps and attempts to stuff cash into the holes of a sinking ship were done out of blind love of the Washington Redskins. "Of course I hate him," I'd say in confidential tones to friends, family, and strangers on the Metro, "and of course I'd rather have anyone else as an owner, but at least he loves the team. It's a lot like the love of a toddler for a pet that he will squeeze until its eyes bug out or it dies, but it's still love."

Love? I scoff at the word. An owner who loved his team would not pal around with the enemy. That's right, we know that you and Dallas Cowboys' owner, Jerry Jones, are BFFs 4 lyfe. I bet that you even have a photo of the two of you in a frame on your desk that says it. I can excuse the Papa John's commercial, mostly because of my great love for Papa John's pizza (seriously, Papa John, if you read this I'll trade my first born child for a lifetime supply of your pizza...or even a months' supply), but you couldn't just keep it to friendly, tongue-in-cheek commercials with the Redskins' arch-nemesis, could you? It's a rhetorical question, but I'll go ahead and answer it for you just in case you're a bit slow--NOPE, you couldn't just keep it there.

When I stopped by Redskins Parents' house this morning to eat Redskin Brother's stale popcorn and help rid Redskins Dad of a Corona Light (okay, it was more like 1:30pm, but that's still morning for me on the weekends), I felt figuratively warm all over because the family was watching football together already. I had no warning of the upset that I would soon receive. As everyone complained that I hadn't written any letters recently and they were surely going to start a hunger strike soon in hopes that I would bless them with something new*, I said that I was looking for inspiration. I picked up the Washington Post in hopes of finding something that would inspire me, but all I saw was Donovan McNabb's advertisement for Capital One. He was supposed to look confused because he's new in town, but I think that he was confused because he was in an ad without Campbell's Chunky Soup in his hands or his mommy by his side. (Is she going to lace up your sneakers tonight, too, Donovan?).

Anyway, I lacked inspiration and Redskins Brother gave it to me when he told me about THIS interview:

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcwashington.com/video.

That's right, Danny boy, you can't hide from the truth: your family vacations with Jerry Jones' family. This is like Harry Potter and Voldemort hanging out and laughing about how they try to kill each other five months out of the year, but during the off-season they like to go to Boca and argue good-naturedly about whose turn it is to serve the mimosas. Actually, that's probably an unfair comparison because Harry Potter has some good qualities and actually has some reasons to be an angsty teen whereas you are far too old to be a teenager. And I'm waiting on the good qualities.

But seriously, Jerry Jones?! It was bad enough watching you look up at him with that sickening puppy-dog look of adoration on your face during the interview, but hearing Jones blather on about how he's so surprised that the Redskins haven't won a Super Bowl under your reign of terror was like eating one insult after another. Of all the owners in the entire league, you had to choose the only jerk as big as you as a mentor. In fact, if I were faced with the choice of you or him as the owner of the Washington Redskins, I think that my mind would implode and I'd stand in place until someone rescued me. Hopefully someone with ice cream...or Papa John's.

The jig is up. You don't love the Redskins; in fact, I think that your friendship with Jerry Jones proves that you're probably working against the Redskins from within. After all, who cares if you lose every season if the fans keep coming back game after game and paying $8 for a Bud Light? You suck.

Go Redskins! Beat Dallas!

Karen

*I'm lying. They did not do this.

Redskin Letters Is YouTubing It

2010-08-07T23:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Redskin Fans,

Today's a big day, folks. Redskins Brother and I attempted the Redskins conditioning test that Albert Haynesworth finally passed today. We had, uh...mixed results. But the great news is that you all get to see for yourselves. That's right--Redskin Letters has graduated to video. Please excuse the major suckage in the video editing because this is my first try at making a movie since Anti-Redskins Best Friend and I created "Grammar in the City" back in college. Also, please excuse the major suckage in the content of the video. Um, spoiler alert?

So there you have it. Albert Haynesworth is better at passing a conditioning test than Redskins Brother and I. I'm appropriately ashamed of myself.

But does Haynesworth know how to write a letter? Or make a YouTube video? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Love,

Karen

Don't Even Try To Sit On Me

2010-06-16T23:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Albert Haynesworth,

Washington, DC is all abuzz with the news that you want to be traded from the Redskins. Well, whoopty-doo. Guess what, Al? We want to get rid of you, too. In fact, many of us haven't been pleased with you since...oh, when you were signed for a $100 million contract. You wouldn't have been worth that insane amount of cash even if you had stayed healthy and hadn't had to sit out to regain your precious breath after every play where you actually did something worthwhile for once; you definitely weren't worth $55,000 per snap. You weren't worth one of my addicting butterscotch cookies per snap and I give those babies out like they're...well...cookies. Or babies.

Since you seem to be completely uninterested in anything awesome pertaining to the Redskins, you may be unaware that this is my slow time when it comes to writing letters, but here I am anyway, popping up to let you know that you're a tool and not even a very good one. You're like an electric drill that stops working when the batteries die, when all anyone really needs is a screwdriver. Or a broken escalator when people just need stairs. Or Jay Leno when everyone under the age of sixty-five just wants Conan O'Brien.

In conclusion, you suck. Don't let the stadium doors hit you on your fat behind on the way out--if you can walk out under your own power without stopping for a hit off an oxygen tank first.

Looking forward to getting money back for any other player ever (besides Tony Romo),

Karen

P.S. Don't even try to sit on me. I've been working out and I can outrun you!

I Can't Believe That Jesus Died For This

2010-04-04T21:17:00.003-04:00

Dear Donovan McNabb,

Thanks for ruining my Easter, jerkface. I wanted to find the best possible way to let you know my true feelings about you becoming a Redskin, but I simply don't have the time to drive up to Philadelphia and nail my version of Martin Luther's "95 Theses" to your door. Do you know what I do have time for, though? That's right, a poem. Because that's how I roll, sucker.

Once upon a time in the land of D.C.
Redskins fans everywhere had the same dream
That Shanahan and Allen wouldn't ruin our season
But what they've done seems more like treason

Sure, we might be lacking in the quarterback position
But it doesn't excuse this terrible decision
The only players who are worse than Donovan McNabb
Are probably just the ones that we already have

Signing Rex Grossman was a horrible call
But trading for McNabb is the worst one of all
The only thing that could make me sicker
Is getting Shaun Suisham back as our kicker

Who in Hell wants McNabb on their team?
(Obviously, I'm angered to the extreme)
His past performance is not that of legends
Why should we take Philly's sloppy seconds?

I wish that I had a hot tub time machine
To go back to Coach Gibbs and the 1980s
And forget this Easter and everything gone amiss
Because I can't believe that Jesus died for this.

Happy Stinkin' Easter,

Karen

My Children Are Going to be Winners

2010-03-10T01:24:00.002-05:00

Greetings Redskins Nation!

I'm sure that you've been wondering where I've been amidst the end of the season, the playoffs, the firing of Jim Zorn, the hiring of Mike Shanahan, and free agency. Let's just say that I've been biding my time, getting the lay of the land, and figuring out if being a fan of George Allen on Facebook will help me get free tickets from his brother, Bruce (verdict: so far, not really. But I have high hopes for when the season starts).

Anyway, I apologize for being away (well, on my couch watching the Disney Channel and TeenNick--shut up, don't act like you're too good for the wholesome hijinx on iCarly and Sonny with a Chance) just when you all need a guiding light to help you through yet another harrowing rebuilding year. But cheer up! I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere (unless someone has Girl Scout cookies. I'll go anywhere for Thin Mints--except Dallas. NEVER THERE). But I can't cover everything that I need to cover in long, thoughtful detail, so I'm just gonna go with what we in the ~~blogging~~ Redskins Letter Writing business call "snippets." Do you hear that, Redskins fans? It's a contented sigh coming from all of you. Well, you're welcome.

Let's get started:

Jim Zorn was fired and is now a Quarterbacks Coach again, this time for the Baltimore Ravens. This is like being demoted twice in a row. In fact, if I was him, I'd rather retire than take two steps back. He could then open up a camp for boys with mediocre dreams of one day being fired as a professional head football coach. I mean, I would never send MY children there (my children are going to be winners), but maybe he'll have better luck with Andy Reid's sons.

And Mike Shanahan is now our coach. Despite his very Irish name and appearance, this guy doesn't fit my vision of your friendly neighborhood drunk lying in a ditch. This disappoints me as I have very specific requirements out of my stereotypical Irishmen, especially this close to St. Patrick's Day. What he has going for him aside from an ability to "spot the blarney," is that he doesn't seem to be taking crap from Dan Snyder yet. We'll see how this continues, but I'm going to go out on a huge limb and speculate that his hiring might not be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

Bruce Allen as GM. Well, I really didn't realize that there were other Allens besides George the coach and George the former Governor and Senator, but I'm willing to accept one more Allen into my life. Don't screw up, Bruce. We wouldn't want the macaca to hit the fan.

Recent layoffs of Smoot, Cartwright, Randle El, etc. Thank God that Randle El is gone. I mean, he seemed like a friendly guy, but he was a little too friendly to other teams. That's the only explanation for all the fair catches that I can make up; he probably just wanted to be "fair" to the other team. Somewhere after our fifth loss I would have hoped that he'd get over that. He didn't. So long, Fair Catch.

Backtracking to Christmas. I was privileged to receive not one, but TWO awesome Redskins-centric gifts! The first was a Secret Santa gift from my friend, Mollie (Thanks, Mollie! And congrats to Doug on your acceptance of his proposal!). Please note that it has Clinton Portis' number and my nickname, Good Karen, on the back. It's kind of like I'm on the team, but without any of the broken ribs, Snyder butt-kissing, or uncomfortable jockstraps! Yay!

The second gift was from Redskins Brother. He told me that it was going to be my favorite gift and I shouldn't have been so doubtful because he is a surprisingly good gift-giver. When I neatly removed the wrapping paper (yeah, I'm one of THOSE people even though it's going directly into a trash bag) and saw Joe Gibbs' book, I was like, "...um...yay?" I mean, I adore Saint Joe, OF COURSE, but Santa Claus had already brought me a 100-pack of Slim Jims and I didn't see how this book could possibly be my favorite gift after that.

Then Redskins Brother told me to look inside. Yeah, that's right, everyone! Personalized autograph by Saint Joe himself! And he wrote in INK that he wants God to bless ME! ME! Muahhahhahahah! Obviously a "God bless" from Saint Joe pwns Slim Jims all over the place! Thanks, Redskins Brother! And sorry about that time that I complained that you were the worst brother in the world! ~~Sometimes~~ I'm mean!

I've lost my pink Redskins snow hat and I'm pretty bummed about it. I mean, it's probably in my house somewhere, but unless it's in my sofa cushions, I'm probably never going to find it.

I'm thinking of getting a fish. It might teach me some responsibility. If it doesn't, the toilet is just a flush away.

Yeah, not completely joking about that.

How is a fish related to the Redskins? Well, it isn't. Unless I name it after one of them. Maybe I could get two and one could be Shaun Suishfinn. Then I'd train the other one, Clinton Portfish, to attack and kill him. Or Salmonta Moss? Ha! (Clearly I'm a bit rusty because of my absence).

As far as Byron Westbrook and Chad Rinehart are concerned...well, what the heck, guys?! Do you think that you play for the Cowboys or something?

Sigh. We're in for a long off-season.

Love,

Karen

I Hope That Santa Leaves You A Lump Of Coal

2009-12-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

I warned you. I told you that Shaun Suisham was a spy for the Dallas Cowboys, but no one wanted to listen to me. Do you think that it's a coincidence that Suisham missed not one, but two field goals against the Cowboys and then a measly twenty-nine days later is signed by them? SERIOUSLY?!!?!?!?! This is NO coincidence! This was planned, it was intentional, and it is unacceptable! When, for God's sake, when are we going to stop signing former Cowboys? It is never ever a good decision. And perhaps you didn't sign Suisham to begin with...but you kept him on the team for as long as you did.

I hope that Santa leaves you a lump of coal in your stocking. If he leaves you nothing at all, you might think that he just forgot you, but if he leaves you coal, you'll know that you're on the Naughty List.

You're already dead to me, but you're going to be worse than dead--zombie food--if Shaun Suisham kicks a field goal to win the game against us when we play Dallas on Sunday.

Enjoy your coal,

Karen

I'm Going To Suggest Seclusion

2009-12-18T02:02:00.001-05:00

Dear Vinny,

May I call you Vinny? Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t really care. I am ecstatic that you have resigned. I mean, it’s kind of seriously making my day right now…and my Christmas! What was the last thing that I put in my “Joy to the World: Shaun Suisham’s Fired” song? Something like, “I hope that Cerrato is fired next!” Yeah. Well, you weren’t fired, but I’m fairly positive that you were given the “resign or I’m firing you” ultimatum from Danny Boy.

You might wonder where you go from here. I’m going to suggest seclusion where you’ll have time to grow a beard, put in some colored contacts, maybe gain fifty pounds and reinvent yourself. No one will have to know that you were one of the worst General Managers in Redskins history—nay, football history itself. You should have been fired or resigned directly after you wasted a draft pick on a punter. And a terrible punter at that. Durant Brooks. I still hate that guy (note: I realize that I have a weird, but all-consuming contempt for kickers/punters. I have no idea why this is because I’ve never dated or been supremely wronged by one in my life. My brother was a high school kicker and even though I still make fun of him for it, I’m unable to identify exactly what makes me do it. In twenty years I’ll probably end up in therapy uncovering a repressed memory of a professional kicker stealing a lollipop from my three-year old hands).

Because I love to wax poetic, here is an acrostic poem for you (one of the easiest kinds):

Very
Ineffective
Nerdy and
Never going to succeed
You suck

I’m pretty sure that I speak for all of Washington, DC: hit the road, Vinny, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.

Wondering who to pick on next,

Karen

What I Really Want To Do Is Break Out Into Song

2009-12-09T08:00:00.006-05:00

Dear Shaun Suisham,

What can I say? This is the end of a long, hard road for me. For ages I have tirelessly worked to get you fired...letters...poems...dognappings. A small part of me is a little sad that I have to find a new punching bag, but mostly I'm elated that I got another sucktastic player fired. I need to celebrate with all of Washington, D.C., but what's the best way to accomplish this? Sure, drinking until I don't even remember your name is an option, but I really want to enjoy and savor this for the rest of my life--or at least until the end of football season. I could get another tattoo...change "Fire Suisham" to "I Fired Suisham"....the choices are kind of endless.

But what I really want to do is break out into song. So here goes. Ahem.

Please sing this to the tune of "Joy to the World"...but not the "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" version.

Joy to the World! Suisham is gone!

We'll see him suck no more!

Zorn finally did something right;

And Suisham won't miss a goal

And Suisham won't miss anymore field goals!

Joy to the Earth! Suisham was fired!

Listen as D.C. cheers!
They told us that he could kick, but

Instead he made us sick

Instead of kicking well, he made us sick!

If Zorn had listened to me last season

We might have stood a chance!

And my blog would've been more kind!

We could have beat the Cowboys

We could have beat the Saints

And had a better record than three-and-nine!

Today has been super awesome

Since Redskin Brother's text!

And all that's left to wonder is

Who'll be fired next?

I hope that Cerrato is fired next!

And so farewell, Shaun Suisham. I'm sure that underneath your lousy kicker exterior, there lives a good guy just waiting to show the world that he's more than a horrible, awful kicker. Now's your opportunity.

Peace out cub scout,

Karen

Sucker!

2009-12-08T18:30:00.001-05:00

Karen's Note: This letter was inexplicably sent back to me. Huh. Guess Shaun Suisham isn't there anymore. Muahahahha. Stay tuned for more developments.

Dear Shaun Suisham,

The reason why I generally don't listen to post-game interviews is because I like to believe that players I dislike show no remorse for their transgressions. I was disappointed that you took all the blame on yourself for your missed field goal against the Saints because now I'll feel slightly guilty for petitioning to have you fired. It won't stop me, but it does make me act like a girl by considering your lousy feelings. I hate when that happens.

I've tried to get you fired. I've tried to give you pointers. I've tried to shame you into performing better, but none of it seems to work. What do you want from me, Shaun? What can I possibly do for you that will help you to help the Redskins?

You're married, so I can't hook you up with girls with an attraction to sub-par professional kickers. Your job doesn't require you to write anything more than your signature, so I can't edit your work (and, honestly, if you need an editor for your signature, you have more problems than even I can solve). I already regale you with fine examples of snark all the time, so it's doubtful that you need more. I am a delight to have at parties, but I understand that you don't invite me to anything for fear that I'll bring up your shoddy performance--as you should be concerned because I'll do exactly that...and after enough Red Bull-and-vodkas, "Holiday" egg nog, and spiked punch, I won't even feel guilty (I probably won't feel hungover, either, because of the tolerance that I've developed since Halloween). I have some money saved, but you earn more than twenty times what I make and you should probably give most of that back. How about a return of $10,000 for every kickoff where the ball doesn't land within the first five yards in the opposing team's territory, $15,000 for every missed extra point, and a return of $25,000 for every missed field goal? By the end of the season, you'll probably be paying to play. Thank goodness because the Washington Redskins franchise is going to start hemorrhaging money if we keep losing.

We still haven't answered what I can do for you, Shaun. I propose a week with no nasty letters from me to you or about you.

Starting eight days ago.

Sucker!

Karen

Vacuums and Shaun Suisham Suck

2009-12-07T18:42:00.001-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Since you only have four games left before you’re out of a job, it’s about time that you should evaluate what your next move will be. Might I suggest going back to college and getting a degree in something useful? Well, I’m going to suggest it whether you like it or not because I’m the one writing this letter. Anyway, going back to college reminds me of the application process around this time of year when I was seventeen (nine years ago, which makes me twenty-six. Yes, I’ll admit to my age because I want you to know that a twenty-six year old girl clearly knows more about football than you do). Along with the application process was the dreaded SATs and even though you won’t have to take the test to be accepted somewhere at your age (they give senior citizen discounts for Continuing Education courses, right?), it can’t hurt for you to hone some of your reading skills. Please complete the quiz below and send your answers back to me!

Fill in the blank with the most appropriate analogy.

1. Vacuum is to dirt as Shaun Suisham is to ______.

                A. Field Goal Kicking
                B. Kickoff Kicking
                C. Being a human
                D. All of the above

2. Dan Snyder is to Owner as Vinny Cerrato is to ______.

                A. Head Butt-kisser
                B. Worst General Manager ever
                C. Doesn’t deserve to have a job picking up my dry cleaning, but I’ll try him out anyway
                D. All of the above

3. Marcus Mason is to Young Clinton Portis as Clinton Portis is to ______.

                A. Old
                B. Worn-out
                C. Waste of the salary cap
                D. All of the above

4. Karen is to Redskin Letters as Jim Zorn is to ________ during the games.

                A. Crossword puzzles
                B. Sudoku puzzles
                C. Stick figure drawings of himself in any other job but Head Coach
                D. All of the above

5. Broken is to Karen’s heart after each loss as injured is to _______.

                A. Clinton Portis
                B. Chris Cooley
                C. Chris Horton
                D. Jeremy Jarmon
                E. Chris Samuels
                F. Randy Thomas
                G. Ladell Betts
                H. DeAngelo Hall
                I. Chad Reinhart
                J. Eddie Williams
                K. Colt Brennan
                L. Albert Haynesworth
                M. All of the above.

Before you complain that it’s too hard, I could have requested that you diagram a sentence, so you should thank your lucky stars that I’m being so nice.

Anyway, I still am optimistic that we can win the rest of our games, though I’m starting to get a little weary of my friends smirking at me and asking, “So do you think that the Redskins will win on Sunday?” Come on! ETERNALLY OPTIMISTIC. The answer will always be that I think we can. Always.

So you go ahead and think about applying to colleges far away from D.C. and I’ll get back to thinking about how I can further demoralize Shaun Suisham and shame him into quitting.

Bye!!!

Karen

It's Haiku Monday!

2009-11-23T22:53:00.001-05:00

Dear Clinton Portis,

Guess what today is!!!! It's Haiku Monday! Don't confuse it with Drink Wine Monday, which today ALSO is. Don't. Seriously. I'll get pissed.

Anyway, here are a bunch of haikus for you to pass along to your friends on the team. You can even trade them for other haikus if you like. It's like they're the gift that keeps on giving.

Portis is concussed

No more practices for him

His wish was granted

Ladell Betts got hurt

Just when he got kind of good

Out for the season

Samuels was so awesome

Why did he have to get hurt?

Please get well soon, Chris!

Cooley's pretty great

And if he wasn't married

I'd cure what ails him

Chris Horton's my fave

With his way awesome long hair

Wish he was healthy

Who remembers Colt?

Our CUT third-string quarterback

He's back in ten months!

I try to ignore

The irrelevant Jim Zorn

Just like other fans

There you go, Portis. Also, you're killing me in fantasy football--I no longer consider it to be fantastic.

Love,

Karen

You Don't Deserve Poetry

2009-11-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Shaun Suisham,

You're the worst. You don't deserve poetry, but I'm in a rhyming mood. Ahem.

Ode to Shaun Suisham

Although it pains me that you haven't been fired
I must write about the events that have transpired
The only way to ensure that I will not curse
Is to put all of my feelings into verse

For when it comes to kickers in this world
You are far worse than a five-year old girl
Of your performance today I am ashamed
Yet not surprised that you are so lame

Since kickers aren't people and their feelings don't count
I don't regret the campaign that I'm about to mount
If Zorn doesn't want to hear any more of my lip
All he must do is give you a pink slip

Or perhaps I shouldn't be approaching Jim
Since he's busy pretending that he can win
But if I had to choose between his job or yours
You can bet that you'd be kicked out the door

Of all the games you could lose for us
You had to wait until we finally played Dallas
Two missed field goals make me want to cry
I always knew that you were a Cowboy spy

Something to give thanks for during this week
Is that we have seven days before we'll be beat
But I still have hope in my heart that we can win
As long as your D.C. career is at it's necessary end.

I think that I've made myself clear.

Disgusted with you,

Karen

What's Ailing The Redskins?

2009-11-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Redskins Nation,

Hello to my fellow Redskins fans. I’ve made an important discovery and feel that I MUST share it with you all. I know that many of you are tired of supporting a team with so many management/owner/coaching/playing problems and I don’t blame you—I’m sad, too. But I believe that I know why we are doing so poorly and likewise, I know the cure.

The problem goes back a long way to before I was even born, to 1982 to be exact. Joe Bugel called the offensive linemen “hogs” and they all decided that this was a wonderful nickname to be called with pride. Yeah, I don’t know why, either. These guys became super awesome, though, and Joe Theismann and John Riggins begged to join (John was allowed in as an honorary member, but Joe was refused, showing that these guys didn’t just have brawn—they had brains, too). They were unstoppable, leading to three Super Bowls in less than a decade. I like to refer to that time as “the good ol’ days.”

Fans embraced the Hogs, leading people around the Washington area to don pig snouts when attending games. This practice is still done today because, let’s be honest, football fans are absolutely nuts. Bonkers. Crazy. There’s a reason why “fan” is short for “fanatic.” Some of these super fans, known as the Hogettes, dress up like old women and then put on their pig noses. They’ve been on Jay Leno, three have been inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for their fanaticism, and, best of all, some of them made a VISA commercial. I kind of wish that I could be as cool as them.

So it is only natural for our Hogs to have been infected with the dreaded H1N1 flu. The SWINE flu. Yes, Redskins fans, the swine flu is what is truly ailing our players...and probably the coaches, management, and Dan Snyder. It’s not their fault, though! No one asks to get sick (unless he or she is me in elementary school. I really wanted my tonsils taken out so that I could eat nothing but ice cream, but Redskins Parents are terrible and wouldn’t let me have the unnecessary surgery. Jerks). Usually the swine flu hits a person and then they’re better within a few days...maybe a week or two...and I realize that the Redskins have been sick for much longer but OF COURSE they would be! They’re the HOGS for crying out loud!

You might ask how I’ve come to this incredibly thought-provoking conclusion. What’s my evidence? Well, let’s look at Swine Flu symptoms:

Fever: Have you seen how much these guys sweat? Definitely feverish.

Runny nose or stuffy nose: Some people might say that the players are crying after their losses, but I know the truth. It’s just their sinuses!

Sore throat: They are always hoarse in post-game interviews and I refuse to believe that it’s a coincidence.

Body aches: Clinton Portis’s body aches so much that he can’t even practice every day!

Headaches: Sure, they could blame it on helmet-to-helmet contact, but I think that it’s the flu that causes their heads to hurt. Poor babies.

Chills: I got chillssssssss, they’re multiplyingggggg. Ahem. Sorry. Got distracted there. The chills could explain why they’re so slow to get past the first down line on third-and-long situations. Their poor bodies just aren’t warmed up enough. Um. Despite their fevers. Yeah, I don’t know. Let’s just go with it.

Fatigue or tiredness: Clearly these guys are fatigued!! They even act like they’ve given up, they’re so exhausted!

I say that we all gather and bring our players some chicken noodle soup, lots of juice and ibuprofen and help them to get better.

Who's with me???

Karen

Cool Name. Plus Five.

2009-10-31T19:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m back to comment on the Redskins current rankings! I know that you’re just as thrilled as I am. Mostly I’m glad that today is about pointing out what we as a team are doing well. Too many of my letters recently have been negative and while there are valid reasons for that (like, we’re one of the worst teams in the NFL), it disappoints me when I have to criticize. I don’t like doing that. I much prefer the letters that I wrote at the beginning of the 2008-09 season when I was, perhaps, less witty but enthusiastic with my praise.

Anyway, let’s get started:

Field Goals Made (tied for 1^st/32): Okay, before I get into the praising portion of this letter, let me say that this one statistic isn’t the only thing that we should be looking at in regards to Shaun Suisham. We also have to look at the fact that he’s a Canadian (fail) and, slightly less importantly, he is SECOND-TO-LAST in the NFL for kickoff kickers. Though our ability to score three points when our offense can’t make it into the red zone is pretty necessary to get any points on the board, having a kicker who can kick the ball right where we need it is way more important. A good kicker gives the opposing team horrible starting field position and Suisham doesn’t cut it. Which leads me into (finally) something we’re good at:

Kickoff Return Average (1^st/32): I realize that the complaint above would lead some to think that the Redskins’ opponents must start on our side of the field, BUT luckily our Special Teams are around to prevent opposing teams to capitalize on Suisham’s failings. Well…they don’t always prevent them, but being in first place is good enough for me.

Fourth Down Percentage / Red Zone Percentage (2^nd/32): See, our defense does pretty well in general, but here are two categories where we’re exceptionally good; when the opposing team only needs a few yards to get the first down or the touchdown, we stop them more than almost every other team. Can you imagine how many points would be scored on us if our red zone defense wasn’t so stellar?

Passing Yards Per Game (3^rd/32) and Yards Per Game (5^th/32): Basically, our pass coverage is awesome thanks to players like Chris Horton, LaRon Landry, and Fred Smoot, but our ground coverage isn’t nearly so good—we’re 24^th in the league for Rushing Yards Per Game allowed. Since we appear to have the pass coverage down, why not focus a little on the rest, Zorn? Probably I should be writing to Greg Blache about that, but really, aren’t you his boss? Can’t you pass along the word? What is it that you do over there now???

Sacks (6^th/32): Thank Andre Carter for this one. The way that he took down Donovan McNabb on Monday night made me want to bake him some cookies. But then we lost the game and I lost the urge. Still, it was pretty epic.

London Fletcher: Okay, he wasn’t on the list, but I should point out here that he leads the NFL in tackles for the season. And he has a cool name. Plus five for that.

There you go, Jim Zorn. A (mostly) positive letter. Enjoy it, because it’ll probably be the last one that you see until your good bye letter at the end of the season.

Happy reading over the bye week,

Karen

We Need More Points So I Can Order From Papa John's

2009-10-29T19:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Surprise! I’m writing to you again. Really, I’m just curious as to what you were doing during our loss to the Eagles on Monday night—I saw you holding papers and things and trying to look busy, but what were you actually doing? You weren’t calling plays, so I’m guessing that you were simply there to model the latest in Redskins game gear. Burgundy has never looked so average.

While you were busy auditioning for America’s Next Top Tanned Coach, our offense began playing even worse than usual. In his weblog, Rich Campbell posted the Redskins’ rankings for each major category this morning and I’m going to address the highlights because every once in a while I like to show that I care about stats and not just which Redskin is the hottest (answer: John Riggins. Come on, don't deny that you want a piece).

Anyway, let’s look at where we suck first:

Punt Return Average (29th/32): I’ve said it before and I’m going to keep saying that Randle El is a TERRIBLE punt returner. I’d like to see Santana Moss get in there because we might actually get some returns instead of fair catches. On Monday night I realized that the reason why Randle El signals for the fair catch so often is because he’s afraid that the ball will hit him in the facemask, bounce onto the field, and be returned for a touchdown by an opposing player. While it’s noble of him to not want that to happen, I’d much rather someone else return for us. And average more than 4.5 lousy yards.

Sacks/Pass Attempt (28th/32): Jason Campbell gets sacked more than once for every ten times that he tries to throw that darn ball. This is because of a combination of things: a mediocre quarterback who can’t make snap decisions, poor play-calling, and an offensive line that, at this point, is mostly just offensive in general. If things don’t get better, Jason Campbell is going to be another Patrick Ramsey. I hear that until her was released October 3rd, he just sat on the bench in Tennessee, hugging himself and rocking back and forth, whimpering, “Can’t throw, people will sack me. Can’t throw, people will sack me.” All these years later, if anyone makes any sudden moves by him, Ramsey falls to the ground in the fetal position. After his tenure here, I don’t blame him. I’m actually impressed that he’s still alive after all the beatings that he took.

Interception Rate (29th/32): This one is on the defense, of course. It’s hard to blame them for being in 29th place, though, when our offense is getting intercepted on so often, thereby padding the rankings for every team that we play against. Still, if we had actually intercepted every ball that our players almost intercepted, we would probably lead the league. But “almost” only counts in horseshoes and drowning kittens (so what if I didn’t weight the bag down? Judging by the flow in that river, they were definitely going to die sooner or later).

Points per Game (tied for 28th/32): We can’t score more than 17 points per game. Do you know how that makes me feel? Papa John’s has that awesome deal for one free topping per touchdown (it doubles the topping if we win, but I know better than to expect that) and so far it hasn’t been cost-effective to order for only two free toppings. I want some pizza, dude.

Third Down Percentage (28th/32): We convert on third downs less than 30% of the time. This is a MAJOR PROBLEM and I see it happening every week. I don’t know if it’s Jason Campbell’s fault for who he throws/gives the ball to, the play-caller’s fault for telling him who to give the ball to, or the players’ faults for waiting for the ball ANYWHERE IN FRONT OF THE FIRST DOWN LINE. Maybe on other teams it’s okay to expect a player to run anywhere between two and fifteen yards to make the first down, but OUR team can’t do that. I’ve seen Jason throw to someone practically standing on the first down line and still not getting it. He MUST throw the ball on third-and-long situations and he MUST throw the ball to someone outside the first down line. Even if he misses (and hey, it’s likely), he has a much higher chance of getting the first down this way.

Okay, this letter has gotten away from me a little and become too long. I know, Jim Zorn, that you have trouble reading anything that doesn’t have pictures, so I’ll save my thoughts on what we’re doing well for another day.

Just as surprised as you are that you're still getting letters,

Karen

Go Back to Calling Bingo

2009-10-27T06:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Sherman Lewis,

I don't know a whole lot about you except that you know the West Coast Offense and that you were calling bingo in your retirement.

Maybe you should go back to that. Because I didn't see much of a difference between your play-calling and Zorn's last night. We were still terrible.

And I had such high hopes, too. :(

Also, what's so great about the West Coast Offense? Seriously. I want to go back to the good ol' days, back before Dan Snyder decided that he wanted West Coast and he'd hire someone as inexperienced as Zorn to get it.

Apologies for the short, boring letter, but I have not had even a sip of my gallon jug of Red Bull yet this morning and I'm tired.

Tell Cooley and Samuels that I hope they feel better,

Karen

My Pre-Game Playlist

2009-10-26T19:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Redskins,

Yes, I'm talking to all of you from the players to the coaches; even Shaun Suisham! Here's the thing: I feel great about tonight. I really think that you're going to walk into FedEx Field and teach the Eagles a lesson and so I am totally pumped. Pretty soon I'll be changing into my jeans and Clinton Portis jersey to drink with my friends and watch this game. And it's going to be an awesome game. I feel it. I FEEL IT!

But I want you guys to feel it, too. This is why I'm including a pre-game playlist to get you all as excited as I am. Start here and proceed:

Enjoy it!

Love,

Karen

Done. Kaput. Over.

2009-10-19T20:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow, tough break, guy. I know that you’re catching a lot of guff from Dan Snyder and his henchmen on one side and irate fans on the other. It's time to say good bye to the good old days. You know by now where I stand, but I’m also here to give it to you straight.

Don’t trust Vinny Cerrato; I believe that this guy suffers from “I-wish-I-coulda-been-a-Head-Coachitis”, but knows that it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than to be the next one crossed off his list. Cerrato knows that he has to blame our losses on you instead of on his terrible General Managing skills…although, to be fair, the losses are also your fault.

Cerrato has probably given you the impression that he’s on your side and that relieving you of play-calling duties was done to help you out. You have way too much on your plate being Head Coach, Quarterbacks Coach, and Offensive Coordinator, he says and you agree. But don’t you wonder at all why they’re stripping you of play-calling in particular?

Okay, sure, they’re not going to demote you from head coach. It just isn’t done.   Once you’re a Head Coach, your only moves are to resign or get fired. To keep yourself from getting fired, you agreed to let Sherman Lewis come in and oversee things. That had to hurt. But what should hurt more is the knowledge that you’re done. Kaput. Over. The fat lady is singing.

Here’s why: You were originally hired to be the Offensive Coordinator, a bump up from your previous position as Quarterbacks Coach. Then a couple weeks later when Snyder couldn’t find whoever he wanted, he just promoted you to Head Coach in a super obvious, “He’s-not-the-best-but-he’s-the-best-that-I-can-do” move.   The main job of the Offensive Coordinator is to call plays (I feel the necessity to explain this to you because, really, who are we kidding? You very well might not know any of this); basically, the thing that you were supposed to be great at and the reason why you were hired is the very thing that they took from you.

Let me repeat that: they just took away the one thing that they hired you to do (originally). If that isn’t enough to get you to start looking for a new job, I don’t know what will.

Then again, I’m writing to the guy who thought that a Hail Mary play was a better call than a field goal attempt. I mean, seriously?! A Hail Mary play, by its definition, is a last chance resort! You had another option and yes, I know that the other option was Shaun Suisham and, yes, I’m glad that you were finally listening to me about not relying on him, but even I would have made him kick that darn ball. And I wouldn’t have let him have any water at halftime if he’d missed. He would have either made it or learned his lesson when he got dehydrated.

Learning lessons is important, Jim Zorn. Maybe you should try it some time.

Not surprised that you’re in this position,

Karen

P.S. So excited to see Todd Collins back in the game!

P.P.S. So sad that Jason Campbell isn’t a good enough quarterback to stay in because I like him, too.   As a person, not as my quarterback. He killed me in Fantasy Football points yesterday. A negative two. NEGATIVE TWO.

There Are Plenty of Other Coaches Who Can Get a Tan!

2009-10-14T19:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

I’m aware that I haven’t written to you in about two weeks; I’ve been busy with work and you’ve apparently been busy coming up with ways to hurt me. Congratulations! You were successful at something, finally. After Sunday’s loss to the Carolina Panthers (seriously? The Panthers?!), I laid in bed, prostrate with grief—okay, I didn’t. But who could blame me if I did? That game was brutal. Everyone felt it.

It started out well enough. As I tweeted during the game, Shaun Suisham’s opening kickoff got to the 2-yard line, which is pretty stellar in all honesty. And you know how I hate praising him. Everyone knows it; I’m not terribly subtle*. Then on the very next play, Albert Haynesworth recovered that fumble and then Clinton Portis got a touchdown. All in less than two minutes.

Aha! I thought. The Panthers are even worse than us! I was certain of victory.

Well, I was certainly wrong.

I could pin this on several mistakes made by our players, but I’m tired and don’t feel like it. Except for mentioning that Shaun Suisham missed a tackle. Yeah, he’s a kicker and a kick returner shouldn’t be able to get past all the rest of our guys and leave it to the guy wearing only one shoe, but I just wanted to give you another reason to fire him. We have to cut our losses somewhere and I think that we should start with him.

So I’m going to pin this loss elsewhere: on you, Jim Zorn. That’s right, your charming witticisms and fake bake tan have only gotten you so far with me and now it’s done. You’re not special! There are plenty of other coaches in the league who can get a tan! And I want Dan Snyder to go ahead and get me one of them.

Actually, strike that. I don’t even care if our next coach can get a tan. I’d rather that he just KNOW HOW TO COACH A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM.

And so farewell, Jim Zorn. Sure, you’ll get more letters from me; I’m nothing if not persistent, after all. But I’m not counting on Dan Snyder sticking by your side at the end of the season. So even if you keep your job through the next eleven games…well…perhaps you won’t be done in the league. Maybe Seattle will take you back as a Quarterback Coach.

Probably not, though.

Bitterly disappointed once again,

Karen

P.S. I take back everything if we finish out the regular season at 13-3. Kthxbai.

*This picture may or may not depict real life.**
**It doesn't.

Tweet, Tweet

2009-10-11T13:13:00.001-04:00

Dear Redskins,

I'll be tweeting during the entire game. Lots and lots of tweets. Be ready.

http://twitter.com/redskinletters

Favorite place that. You'll thank me later.

Love,

Karen

An 80-Yard Baby Bomb

2009-09-29T19:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Jason Campbell,

By now I’m pretty sure that you know how I feel about you: I think that you’re super. You seem like a really great guy and someone that I’d love to hang out with. I’ve always wished really great things for you and truly hoped that you’d improve and be an awesome quarterback.

But it might be time to face facts: you’re kind of not great at your job. Or perhaps Jim Zorn isn’t great at coaching. Probably both. I do recall the first half of last season when we went 6-2 and the word around town was that you were calling a lot of plays. Was that true? If so, why did Zorn want to go and mess with a good thing?

Sorry. You probably can’t answer that. Regardless, if you want to keep your starting position, you’ll have to make some changes. Like holding onto the ball. Here are some suggestions:

1.    The oldest trick in the book: glue your hands/gloves to the ball.

2.    Nail/staple your hands to the ball. It may hurt a little now, but not as much as unemployment.

3.    Practice with things other than a football, things that you’d never ever want to drop. Like a baby. You wouldn’t drop a baby, would you, Jason? This seems like the best plan ever. It’ll also improve your receivers’ catching abilities. Throwing an 80-yard baby bomb to Santana Moss will ensure a catch and a touchdown because neither he nor anyone else wants to be the guy that let the baby smash on the grass.

Jason, I’m telling you as a ~~stalker~~ friend, that your days are numbered. Even now, Dan Snyder is wheeling and dealing behind closed doors looking to replace you. Your only saving grace is that no one in their right mind would want to be owned by Daniel Snyder so you have a little time before he signs a free agent away from Satan. Please start playing better. I still have a little faith in you—and that’s more than anyone else that I know.

Love,

Karen

I Think That You've Bleached Your Brain

2009-09-28T20:43:00.004-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

If I could, I’d demote you.

To towel boy (Note: Do not Google image search "towel boy." Terrible idea).

On second thought, you’d probably screw that up, too.

So I change my mind: if I could, I’d fire you.

Know something else that sucks (besides your play-calling)? Redskins Parents gifted me with a Redskins “We <3 Our Coach” t-shirt back when Joe Gibbs was coach. I’ve been unable to wear it for over a year now. Thanks a lot.

No regards,

Karen

P.S. Stop spending so much time in the tanning beds. I think that you’ve bleached your brain.

P.P.S. Detroit? Seriously?

Neither Congratulations Nor Accolades Are in Order

2009-09-24T21:32:00.004-04:00

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not falling for it. You’re trying to fool this town into thinking that you’re suddenly not the worst kicker in the NFL with your shiny new one-hundred percent field goal completion record and lofty status as being tied for number six in the league. Number six is probably pretty sweet after ending last season tied for the eighteenth spot. So I guess you think that congratulations or accolades are in order. If you think that, you haven’t been reading all my letters to you.

Because I look at more than field goals, Shaun Suisham. That’s right, you were hired for kickoffs, too, which must be a huge surprise because you mostly suck at those. This isn’t an eighteenth place sort of thing, this is a THIRTY-FOURTH place sort of thing. Dude, there are only thirty-two teams; there are punters that are better kickers than you are. That's not even their position (note to self: Ask Jim Zorn why the hell we can’t get even one of those guys). Have you no shame?

I really have no idea why you are still on the team; my guess is that you have compromising pictures of Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, or them together and if so, well, kudos. A guy’s gotta try to keep his job in an economy like this. Since it doesn’t look like Jim Zorn taking my advice about you, I’m just going to have to make you a better kicker. Here’s my Ten-Step Plan to Success:

Step One: Make a sandwich (What? I’m hungry!)
Step Two: Daydream about a winning season
Step Three: Still hungry; eat Anti-Redskins Best Friend’s ice cream and say her husband did it.
Step Four: Daydream some more (I do this a lot), this time about how I’d look in a Redskins cheerleading uniform. Decision? Smokin’.
Step Five: Get down to business and contact my buddy, Special Teams Coach Danny Smith and get him to sign onto my “Water is for Winners” plan. Shaun Suisham, you will receive no water until or unless you improve your 53.4 yard average per kickoff. I wouldn’t cry about it if I were you, either; you need to contain all the liquids that you can because I don’t see you earning water anytime soon.
Step Six: Wonder if I should feel bad for constantly calling you out as the worst player on the entire team. Decision? Nope.
Step Seven: Encourage you to visualize someone that you hate when kicking the ball. Like every single fan of the Redskins ever. I think that you’ve given sufficient evidence to prove that you hate us. Even if you haven’t tweeted about it yet.
Step Eight: Encourage you to kick the ball further. Sorry; too hard?
Step Nine: Dognap your dog. Maybe kicking for Fluffy’s life will be a bigger incentive than a $526,240 yearly salary.
Step Ten: Get you on steroids and lots of them. And a supply of urine to fool the drug testers. Don’t worry; no one will be weirded out by your face after taking all the ‘roids because you’re Canadian. No one expects much from you in that department (Note to self: don’t let Canadian grandparents read this letter).

And there you have it. Ten Steps to Success and Victory! I'll get started right away.

You’re welcome,

Karen

I'd Buy Tickets to That Gun Show

2009-09-05T01:51:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Congratulations! It’s another season and that means that you weren’t replaced by Bill Cowher yet (he’s smart enough to not want the job) and you have another opportunity to woo me to your side of things. Don’t blow it…you know, like Shaun Suisham did in almost every game last season. Why is he still on our team, dude? I know tons of people who are better kickers than him (the best part is that you don’t have to pay them much—just keep them up to their noses in Barbies and bubblegum.

You may stop leaving me voicemails asking why you haven’t heard from me recently. Relax; I know that you value my advice as to who to keep and who to fire, but Dan Snyder does not share your wisdom and gave me an ultimatum. He said that Ashburn wasn’t big enough for the both of us and told me to move at least 25 miles away or he would ban me from games. (Sucker. I only moved 24.4 miles away. You can’t even round that up to 25! Your move, Danny.) So I have been moving crap for the last month and haven’t been able to respond to you in a timely manner. I’m still moving crap, but I told myself that you needed me before you cut the roster down from 75 to 53 players and so you’re welcome—here I am.

My Suggestions*:

--Get rid of Shaun Suisham. I think that I’ve said all there is to say on this subject.

--Keep Marcus Mason. I think that he has a lot of potential and will only get better learning from Clinton Portis.

--I’m sick of all this third-string quarterback talk. Colt Brennan is your guy and he should be second-string, or are you the one willing to push Todd Collins out onto the field in his wheelchair if something happens to Jason Campbell? Isn’t he older than you? No? I’m surprised. Anyway, a Colt 45 is a gun that shoots and is pretty awesome. Colt Brennan isn’t a gun, but he has them; let’s give him an opportunity to use them to throw long balls. You know…after this hamstring pull gets better.

--Speaking of Jason Campbell, I got him and Clinton Portis in my fantasy football draft! I’ll admit that I was thrilled about Portis, but wondered why the auto-pick function didn’t give me a real quarterback (just kidding, Jason…I think that you could be super one day). So, please try to keep Portis healthy and for the love of all that is holy and right in this world, please make Jason Campbell a better quarterback. This season might determine whether he’s on a team next year or starting a restaurant or opening a dealership…and you know that this isn’t the best time to be selling cars. Please don’t do that to good ol’ Jason.

--And speaking of Todd Collins, I miss "his" blog. Please come back, TC!!!

--I realize that I never really mentioned Colt’s rival, Chase Daniel. It’s because I don’t care about him. Next!

--During the first preseason game, Redskins Brother complained that Jason Campbell was taking too long to throw the ball. I countered that our offensive line wasn’t blocking well enough to give him enough time. We were both right (but I was a little more right) so you really need to fix both of these things.

--I actually approve of you not playing our starters very much in last night’s game versus the Jaguars; of course our second- and third-string players kind of looked like crap from the bottom of someone’s shoe that’s getting scraped off with a stick or something when they played against Jacksonville’s starters. So I'm not really looking forward to any of our starters getting hurt and replaced this season...not that I ever want that to happen, except to Shaun Suisham.

Random Thoughts:

--Would it be foolish to break my contract with Verizon so that I can get an iPhone in time to listen to the game live as I drive home from NYC next weekend with girls who probably aren’t going to let me listen to it on the radio? Or would it show dedication?

--Even though I said that the Cowboys should pick up Michael Vick, I’m glad that the Eagles got him instead. Now I’ll actually look forward to hearing "Who Let the Dogs Out" played at a game. To be fair, Michael Vick didn’t let the dogs out…the police had to do that when they shut down Bad Newz Kennels.

--Now I’m afraid that Michael Vick is going to come kill me.

--Nah, it’s not like he’s Ray Lewis.

--Now I’m afraid that Ray Lewis is going to come kill me.

--Yep. Still afraid.

--I decided to make a Twitter account, but I haven’t done squat on there yet. But if you’d like to follow me, please go here and follow RedskinLetters.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, good luck. I’ll be here. Waiting.

Karen

*Demands

I'm Back And Ready to Attack!

2009-08-01T03:08:00.008-04:00

Dear Redskin Letters Fan(s),

I apologize for neglecting my correspondence to the Redskins in the past few months, but two of my bosses are Cowboys fans and they’ve had me working crazy overtime AND they blocked blogger functions so that I couldn’t update from work. It’s like they don’t even understand why I got a job with internet access.

Anyhoo, I’m back just in time for training camp! Before I start castigating Jim Zorn and squeeing over Chris Cooley, though, I think that we need to review what I think about everything happening in the NFL.

Michael Vick’s been reinstated on a trial basis. I thought that he already had a trial and was convicted on charges of animal abuse, but what do I know? I don’t even like animals that much. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up with the Cowboys and the rest of their criminals.
Speaking of the Cowboys, Tony “I Can’t Win a Playoff Game” Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson and then posted signs at his house saying that she’s not allowed in. That’s way harsh, Tony. I wonder if holding up pictures of Jessica will still cause him to lose games. I hope so. In fact, I think that Dan Snyder should invite her to Washington when Dallas comes to town, to celebrate that she no longer has to pretend to like the Cowboys. For funsies, she could also sing the National Anthem if she can remember the words and put on a half-time show with songs from her failed country album. Jessica, I liked that one song of yours that got on the radio. Not enough to buy it, though. Sorry.
By the way, Tony? When people care more about who you’re dating than how you’re playing? Doesn’t bode well. Also, I hate you.
Hey Steve McNair! Wanna know the best way to not get killed by your girlfriend? Don’t cheat on your wife. (Hmm. Maybe I should have mentioned that to him a couple months ago. Oh well. Too late now.)
I had to change my text message alert ringtone away from “Hail to the Redskins” because sometimes I get annoyed by text messages and I cannot associate “annoyance” and “the Redskins” together. I still had it on when Redskins Brother texted me a picture of Saint Joe Gibbs and that was awesome. Also, Redskins Brother and I are no longer speaking because he didn’t help ME meet Coach Joe. Redskins Brother = big jerk who wore my leotard once when we were kids. Yeah, I said it on your Facebook wall and now I’m saying it for the rest of the world to read.
Brett Favre retired again, guys. For real this time. Maybe. Pretty soon he’s not going to be hot enough for me to pretend to care about him.
Tom Brady’s back with the Patriots. Perhaps playing football will be a nice change from knocking up chicks.
Assorted comments from rejected applicants; may they feel some shame for their lame attempts to woo me:

“If you choose me, I will make you see God.” I gotta say that being told that you want to kill me is kind of a turn off. I have forwarded this to the authorities several times and will continue to do so until they take the death threat seriously. I don’t want to see God until I’m really old, like 45.
"Because I am better looking than Dan Snyder.” First, you gave no photographic evidence to support this claim; second, you did not use complete sentences. If you can’t follow such a simple direction, how do I know that you’re going to serve me a Bloody Mary exactly how I like it? I refuse to take such a risk.
“I love the Redskins as much as you do…or maybe even more.” LIAR! Screw you AND your dirty lies.
"Here’s why you should like the Cowboys….” Yeah. I didn’t even bother finishing this one. Clearly you ignored some of the big “Rejected!” pictures, so you must be an idiot or you think that you are above filling out the application correctly. Let me tell you something, Cowboys fan, NO ONE IS ABOVE FILLING OUT THE APPLICATION CORRECTLY. Also, you suck.

I’m considering getting Twitter just so that you all can know my feelings about the Redskins’ performance during real-time once the season starts. Is anyone interested in that?

Peace out homies (don’t worry, I’m getting tan enough this summer that I can say that),

Karen

The Post You've All Been Waiting For!

2009-03-23T21:40:00.005-04:00

Dear Redskins and fans of Redskin Letters,

I have some bad news (or good news?) for you. Patriots Boyfriend has left the building...and by "building" I mean "my nefarious clutches." Some gals would get over it lightly and *not* set his car on fire, but I don't like to follow the crowd (if you are reading this, Patriots Ex, it wasn't me. Ahem).

Anyhoo, since I'm single again, I need to be kind of careful of who I take up with next. To do this in the easiest way possible, I've created an application to date me. Keep in mind, gentlemen, that I'm a girl who values football above nearly everything else in her life (including you!) and for that alone, I'm quite a catch. So do not delay, please send your applications today! Good ones will be taken into consideration; bad ones will be mocked here for everyone else to enjoy, from Jim Zorn to Clinton Portis (implying to me that the Redskins don't read their letters is grounds for immediate rejection). You may send all applications to me at redskinsuperfan [at] gmail.com.

You may begin:

1. Do you love football?

Yes, go to question 2.a.
No, please click here.

2.a. Is your favorite team the Redskins?

Yes, go to question 3.
No, go to question 2.b.

2.b. What is your favorite team? ________________

(If your answer is the Cowboys or the Eagles, click here. Any other choice may proceed to question 3).

(Multiple Choice)

3. Who is your favorite Redskin?

A. Sonny Jurgensen
B. Sammy Baugh
C. Sam Huff
D. Darrell Green
E. Art Monk
F. John Riggins
G. Clinton Portis
H. Sean Taylor
I. I can't decide, they're all awesome! (Click here)
J. I can't decide, you pick for me, Karen! (Click here)

4. Who is your least favorite Redskin?

A. Deion Sanders
B. Jeff George
C. Gus Frerotte
D. Joe Theisman
E. Rep. Heath Schuler (D-N.C.)
F. Michael Westbrook (Whatever happened to him anyway?)
G. Brandon Lloyd (Teach you to fall asleep and skip a team meeting!)
H. Andre Reed
I. Durant Brooks
J. Shaun Suisham (Let's get him kicked off the team together! Also, get it? KICKed off? Laugh, darn it!)

5. What is your idea of a perfect date?

A. Watching a Redskins game at a bar
B. Watching a Redskins game at home on your HD flatscreen TV
C. Watching a Redskins game at FedEx Field
D. Something unrelated to football / Redskins (click here)

6. Who was the best Redskins coach?

A. Vince Lombardi
B. George Allen
C. Saint Joe Gibbs
D. Tom Landry (click here)

7. How many Redskin players (past or present) call you a friend?

A. 0 (Out of the goodness of my heart, I'll still consider your application)
B. 1 (Yay! One more than me!)
C. 2-10 (Cool!)
D. 11+ (Marry me??)

8. Why do you hate the Cowboys?

A. All the law-breakers / ex-cons
B. I have no desire to be "Homo for Romo"
C. "America's Team?" Shouldn't America's team be from the CAPITOL of the USA?
D. I was (molested / held at gunpoint / mugged / shot at) by (name a Cowboy) and it still haunts me
E. Because the Redskins are better than them
F. I don't hate them (click here)

9. Scenario: We're at home watching the game and I finish my beer (before you because I'm awesome...and an alcoholic). I ask you for a new one. You:

A. Go get one for me mid-play
B. Wait until the play is over
C. Tell me to get it myself and make you a sandwich while I'm up (click here)
D. Wait for a commercial break
E. Tell me to slow down (click here)

10. Personal Essay: In 250 words or less (or more...I'm not going to count), tell me why you suck less than Dan Snyder and how that qualifies you to date me. Use complete sentences, proper grammar, and God help you if you misspell anything...because I sure won't.

If I do not respond to your application, it's either because it was rejected, I don't check my e-mail ever, or I just didn't give a crap. Good luck!

Love,

Karen

There Are Plenty of Lousy Kickers for You to Choose From

2009-03-19T00:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Rant. That is the answer to your question, "Am I going to get a rant or a rave today?" You are definitely getting a rant, but you should have expected this.

What the heck were you thinking? I was irritated to learn that the Redskins re-signed Shaun Suisham because it shows me that you want to lose by a field goal or two in each game this season. Awesome.

Here are things that we can look forward to with Shaun Suisham as our kicker:

1. Another reason to blame Canada for something. Go home, Suisham!!

2. You, Zorn, deciding, "Hey...this guy can't kick worth a damn, but why not let him try this 56-yarder? I know that he's in 35th place for field goals made (and that means that three teams have TWO kickers better than him), but I think we can do better. Last place or die trying! LOL!" Yes. I imagine that you use textspeak in casual conversation, tool.

3. Me throwing things at the TV every time we miss a field goal...I will bankrupt myself buying new TVs and then stalk you at Redskins Park until you reimburse me...because clearly it will be all your fault.

4. More rants from me. So. Maybe there IS a silver lining. Who doesn't love a good Karen!Rant? (I should probably copyright that before everyone wants to do their own Karen!Rants).

5. Me encouraging Redskins Brother to get a Suisham jersey like he threatened last season, thereby ensuring that Suisham will get injured or traded. Go ahead, Redskins Brother. Do your worst!

Seriously, Jim Zorn, there are PLENTY of lousy kickers out there for you to choose from. Can't you just get someone who doesn't suck quite as hard?

Starting the alliterative "Sign-up to Stop Shaun Suisham" petition,

Karen

Not as Bad as Your Face!

2009-03-05T18:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Jason Taylor,

I was shocked and saddened to hear that your wife and three children are all suffering from debilitating illnesses that make it impossible for you to attend 75% of the Redskins off-season workouts or whatever. Wait. Are you telling me that your wife and children are just fine? They simply live in Miami and that’s too far away from DC? Seriously? I Googled how long a flight from DC to Miami takes and came up with two hours and forty-four minutes, so I’m calling shenanigans on this. The time away from your family excuse is no good with me.

Also, your kids are all young. Why can’t you move your family up here for work? Most people do it all the time. Of course, they don’t have private jets at their disposal to help with commuting, if necessary.

What I really want to know is why you’re doing this to me. All last season, I disagreed with Redskins Hater when he’d put you down. “Hey, he’s not so bad!” I’d say. “Definitely not as bad as your face!” Redskins Hater loves it when I talk about his face. And his mom. Regardless, I defended you. I swore up and down that you would be great for the team, just as soon you got healed from your lame-o injury.

I regret spending about five minutes of my time watching a tour of your home in Northern Virginia on one of the local news programs…Fox Five, probs. That is five minutes that I’ll never get back that I could have spent on a true Redskin. I want those minutes back, Jason. I demand repayment!

At least I never watched you on Dancing with the Stars. Suck on that!

Anyway, in case it wasn’t clear, we are no longer pals.

Good riddance!

Karen

Blah Blah Blah

2009-01-30T14:51:00.003-05:00

Dear Vinny Cerrato,

I don't have much to say to you, really. I heard on Redskins Nation the other day from Larry Michael that this was your first year choosing players or blah blah blah why we should give you a break about sucking.

I will not give you a break. Wanna know why? Two words: Durant Brooks.

Where is Joe Gibbs when we need him?

Have a great weekend!

Karen

Clearly a Slow News Week

2009-01-23T13:54:00.005-05:00

Dear Redskins,

Yes, all of you. I wanted to let you know that at approximately 4:35pm on Tuesday, January 6th, I was driving right behind a Mercedes or a Jaguar (I forget because it's been over two weeks now) that belonged to one of you! You had a Washington Redskins license plate holder (thrown on for free at the dealership, no doubt), and a Redskins window decal on the bottom center of your rear window. The windows were tinted very dark, so I couldn't identify which one of you it was. We were on southbound I-495, right at the Route 123 merge. You came over and got in the merge lane to get ahead of traffic (kind of a jerkish move, by the way) and I had to wait behind you so that I could actually use the off-ramp (you know, because I was in the lane because I HAD TO USE IT). When you finally moved back into the right-hand lane I was able to get next to you and try to peek into your car, but, like I said, I couldn't identify which player you were. You also had a near miss of a fender-bender because I considered bumping your car just so that I could meet you. Alas, I didn't do it because that would be a little crazy, but mostly because I had to get to Panera at 4:40.

Ever since I drove right next to Mark Brunnell on I-95 North on the day of the Redskins-Bears game in 2007, I keep a lookout for expensive cars with Redskins merchandise attached to it. I was happy to drive so close to you, even if you were sort of blocking me from taking my exit, asshat.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that I'm always looking out for you guys. It's why I moved to Ashburn, obviously. Redskins Park is MINE after dark. Am I kidding??

Love,

Karen

The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (The Jim Zorn Story)

2009-01-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Isn't it funny that the two teams heading for the NFC Championship were both beaten by the Redskins? I think it's funny. I laugh myself to sleep every night thinking about how great we were at the beginning of the season and how things ended up.

And that's what I'd like to get into now: what changed, Zorn? The best explanation that I've heard, and repeated to anyone who'll stand and talk to me for more than two minutes at a time, is that after our first loss to the Giants, you let Jason Campbell call more audibles on the field and have more control. Then when the guys started winning those games (and getting JINXED by the media who was finally recognizing the 'Skins' awesomeness), you decided that if Jason Campbell can call a play, anyone can do it! Including you! So then you started calling all the plays from the sidelines and the Redskins started losing. I'm going to write a song about it one day, entitled, "The Day the Redskins' Super Bowl Hopes and Dreams Died (Because of Jim Zorn's Plays);" this won't be a funny song, Coach...nor rhymeable (assuming that's a word).

I don't know if this is the true story, but I like it. It paints Jason Campbell in a nice light and it puts all the blame where it belongs: on you. Aw, don't cry; I do like you, Jim Zorn. I think that you might even be a much better coach next season. You'll have to be; Dan Snyder doesn't keep losers on his team.

Have a great weekend!

Karen

"We're Gonna Let Them Totally St. Louis Ram Us"

2009-01-05T18:23:00.006-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

So I was watching the NFC Wildcard playoff games and was shocked (shocked!) to find out that the Redskins didn't make it in. NOT! I wasn't shocked at all because I didn't stop following you guys halfway into the season when you were 6-2 and actually looking like professional football players. I stayed with you this whole time as you decided to go 2-6 to finish out the year. Why did you do that? Did you call a big team meeting and write "2-6" on a dry erase board, underline it, and announce to the room, "Here's what we're aiming for, guys. This right here. No more, no less. Some will tell you that you can't lose against the Bengals or the 49ers, but they're wrong. We're gonna let them totally St. Louis Ram us." Yeah, I just made "St. Louis Ram" a verb; don't be jealous.

I'm betting that your biggest concern in this off-season so far is whether or not you'll continue to get letters from me. Be not concerned. You're gonna get them all right. I don't know that I've ever seen a coach who needs so much instruction from a gal like me.

You're Welcome!

Karen

What's Funny about a Redskins Gift?

2008-12-25T22:20:00.003-05:00

Dear Dan Snyder,

We don't see eye-to-eye on many things, but I thought that I'd drop you a line to let you know that you're making money off of me being a Super Fan in these harsh economic times. Here's a list of all the Redskins items that I received for Christmas:

-Redskins Calendar. This way I can see my favorite players everyday of the year!

-Redskins Helmet window decal. This way everyone on the Dulles Toll Road can see who my favorite team is...everyday of the year!

-Redskins burgundy-and-white snow hat. For when I'm feeling cold and sporty.

-Redskins pink snow hat. For when I'm feeling cold and girly.

-Redskins "wine set". When I open a non-Redskins bottle of wine (I know, blasphemy) with the Redskins corkscrew and don't finish it off, I can put a Redskins bottle stopper or whatever they're called in there. Keep all my wine fresh. Maybe I'll buy some real bottles instead of relying only on boxed wine. NOT. I'll never give up my Boxed Wine Wednesdays.

-Redskins holiday greeting cards. I'm going to use these next year and send them to all my friends who don't support the 'Skins.

I should be honest and say that one of the snow hats (the pink one) and the holiday cards were part of a gag gift that my grandfather received and then handed over to me. I don't get the joke, though. What's funny about a Redskins gift?

Anyway, Dan Snyder, I'm going to keep advertising your team around here, and even when I drive up to New England tomorrow (I know--Patriots' country. I'm scared, too). Perhaps you can repay me with cash or Redskin wins. Just thowing that out there.

Merry Christmas!

Karen

Patriots Boyfriend's Gonna Lose Another Finger

2008-12-23T14:15:00.005-05:00

Dear LaRon Landry,

Hi, pal! I hope that you're still basking in the glow from your awesome play-of-the-day from Sunday afternoon. I know that I am, vicariously (to Patriots Boyfriend: I know it's a big word; look it up). It's hard to say what I liked most about your hit on Reggie Brown; was it your effort? That it prevented the Eagles from scoring? That it prevented the Eagles from winning? That it (probably) prevented the Eagles from going to the playoffs? I just can't choose.

Not everything is sunshine and princess unicorns, though. I asked Patriots Boyfriend to count how many times our defensive players ALMOST caught interceptions, but he can't count very high on account of a series of tragic accidents that took away a thumb, pinky, and index finger, so I don't know for sure, but I'm betting that it was more than his seven fingers. What? Would I lie to you, LaRon?

Please catch all the inteceptions next time, or, in my ire, Patriots Boyfriend's gonna lose another finger.

Merry Christmas!

Karen

Please Stay Dead This Time

2008-12-19T14:31:00.004-05:00

Dear Sammy Baugh,

I have a bone to pick with you. See, I kinda maybe sorta thought that you were kinda maybe sorta already dead before I heard your death announcement yesterday. This is so unfair to me because I'd already mourned you and now I have to all over again? Come on, you were over 90 years old; how was I supposed to know that you were still alive? Your jersey is also the ONLY Redskins jersey to ever be retired, so I must have figured that the organization would only honor someone with that if they had passed on.

Please stay dead this time, as I do not have the energy to keep mourning everytime I hear that you've died.

Thanks!

Karen

Thanks a Bunch, London Fletcher

2008-12-18T06:27:00.002-05:00

Dear London Fletcher,

Thanks for reading my last letter to you and using my Susan Lucci reference in your rant about not making it to the Pro Bowl. Just one small problem, buddy; you're a guy complaining about not getting recognition (rightly), but then you didn't even give me the credit for coming up with the idea!

Thanks a bunch, London Fletcher,

Karen

P.S. See if I give you any ideas again ever.

You're the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl

2008-12-17T13:22:00.005-05:00

Dear London Fletcher,

Despite your awesome name and the fact that you're one of the best linebackers in the NFL, you once again are the Susan Lucci of the Pro Bowl--only she eventually DID win an award for being an evil tramp on a soap opera that I've never watched. You have no such luck. I mean, it's not like you don't have 118 tackles so far this season or a whole host of other reasons why you should be in the Pro Bowl, so I'm pretty bummed on your behalf.

But who wants to go to Hawaii anyway, London Fletcher? Certainly not you! Here is a list to remind you that YOU are better than Hawaii any day of the week and you don't need them:

1. Huge insects. Here on the mainland, we call them "Cowboys," but in Hawaii they're almost as bad. How'd you like to check into the swanky hotel the NFL puts you up in, only to find a centipede the size of a cat in your bed?

2. Volcanos. You never know when one is going to spew hot lava and kill you! Maybe you're meant to be the best (living) player of the 2009-10 season.

3. Hawaii is surrounded by water. When the volcanos erupt, you'll be forced to swim or steal a boat to get away. Since you're an honorable guy and wouldn't steal, you're looking at a long, unpleasant backstroke.

4. Muu-muus. This is what Hawaiians think is high fashion. Do you want to walk around seeing that? Didn't think so.

5. Surfers. The Hawaiian surfers won't talk to you because you're not Hawaiian, and all the other surfers talk like that "Dude! You're getting a Dell!" kid that got arrested for attempting to buy pot. ("Dude! Don't get caught next time!"). Either way, you want to avoid them and their surfboards. People can die from surfing, you know. I'm sure that more people have died from that than from playing linebacker in the NFL. I need a human encyclopedia to look that up for me, though, because I'm far too important to do it myself.

Anyway, London Fletcher, don't feel down that you're not going to Hawaii--CELEBRATE that you're not going there and being hit by surfers wearing muu-muus, taking their boards over waves of hot lava as they try to escape from the gigantic bugs. I know that I will celebrate not going to Hawaii every night before I go to bed by downing another bottle of Jack Daniels in an attempt to keep warm in this horrible weather. Stupid Hawaii.

Love,

Karen

At Least JMU Made it to the Playoffs

2008-12-16T08:29:00.004-05:00

Dear Chris Cooley,

Dude. I can't believe that you fumbled so early in that game. Why do you want to hurt me? Is it because I said that Clinton Portis is my favorite player? You're almost definitely number two, so I don't believe that I should be punished this way.

I started off my weekend by driving down to Harrisonburg and wound up watching the JMU Dukes lose to the Montana Stupid Grizzlies in the Division 1AA Semi-Finals; I thought that all those turnovers from the Dukes would be the worst football I'd see all weekend. Then I watched you guys on Sunday afternoon and discovered how wrong I was. I mean, at least JMU made it to the playoffs and one of their players (Scotty McGee) has a drink named after him. Do you have a drink named after you, Cooooooley? Answer: nope. I googled it and came up with squat ("McGee" ingredients: 1 shot vodka, 1 shot cranberry juice, 8 oz. ginger ale; "McGee" streetname: "JMU Ginger").

Anyway, Cooooooley, before you wonder whether this letter is really just to brag about my college team being better than you guys, let me just say that it is. Wonder no more.

Your fumble, though, gave momentum to the Bengals and they held on for the rest of the game. So, thanks for that fumble. And thanks for taking away our playoff chances. I mean, even Shaun Suisham made his field goals! Ryan Plackemeier had some awesome punts, too! Everything else mostly sucked, though. All because you gave our momentum away. I suppose that it was a nice early Christmas present to Cincinatti, but what are they giving us this year? Probably not a win. You screwed us in this gift exchange. Since you can't make it up to me by getting us into the playoffs, you can make it up another way: Christmas cheer and lots of it (also known as egg nog and buckets of rum) delivered to my apartment.

Waiting on my "Cheer,"

Karen

P.S. I'm glad that I gave up on Fantasy Football because I'm betting that you would have gotten me negative points this week.

I Really Wanted You on My Now Defunct Fantasy Team

2008-12-11T12:21:00.003-05:00

Dear Clinton Portis,

By now I think that you know that you're my favorite player; I wear your jersey every gameday and I really wanted you on my now defunct fantasy football team (never play in a league with 18 freaking teams...no one has good players. Thanks a lot, stupid Redskins Brother). Sometimes I cringe, though, when I read your comments, like just the other day when you trashed Jim Zorn on the radio.

I think you're also aware that Jim Zorn isn't my favorite Redskins coach ever (this coveted title goes to Saint Joe Gibbs), BUT he's still your coach and your boss. Okay, maybe not your boss. Dan Snyder will keep you around longer than he'll keep Zornyboy, after all (I still say that he's waiting to snatch Bill Cowher from CBS). Regardless, you can't sarcastically tell Washington, D.C. that Zorn is a "genius". That's kind of a jerk move no matter how stupid his plays are to you (and the rest of us). I'm glad that you guys kissed and made up yesterday, but I want you to be on your best behavior for the rest of the season so that I don't see you on the bench again. Do you know how it felt, seeing you sitting there, wondering if you were perhaps injured and the coaches just weren't telling us? It felt horrible. I even thought of crying...though that was mostly after we lost and I was mad because I'd rooted for the dumb old Lame-triots for Patriots Boyfriend earlier that day and they'd won, but when Patriots Boyfriend rooted for the Redskins, we still lost. Clearly, my rooting is better than his...for other teams...crap, that's not helpful.

Anway, please play nice with the coach and please beat the Bengals on Sunday. Redskins Hater says that you guys are going to lose; I hope that Redskins Hater isn't in another car accident like he was after the last time he talked trash. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

You've Been Truthed!

2008-12-09T12:31:00.005-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may have noticed that I don't often post on the day directly after a loss. This is usually because I'm too depressed to blog and/or angry. I learned a valuable lesson from Bambi once: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Okay. Maybe I didn't learn that. I also didn't learn that it's bad to shoot animals. Redskins Dad has killed tons of Bambi's family members and all I ever want to know is when I can get more dead deer meat (the live deer meat is far less appetizing). To sum up, venison is great and maybe I do say things that aren't nice sometimes.

But sometimes, Jim Zorn, the truth isn't nice. Here are some truths that you are sure to dislike, but are equally sure to thank me for pointing out to you later (you may thank me with cash):

1. Shaun Suisham is at a 71% for successful field goals. This percentage ranks him as 35th in the NFL, meaning that three teams have TWO field goal kickers that are better than him. This would be comical if it were another team...like Dallas. Suisham has missed 9 field goals, which equals up to 27 points. We also are at 218-246 for our points versus how our opponents did against us. If my math is correct, we have a deficit of 28 points. Pretty close to what Suisham's missed for us, huh?

2. Without Chris Samuels, we're probably out of luck. You need some guys on the offensive line. When you get to a point in the game where you have to send out your ONLY remaining lineman to play as a guard and he's a CENTER, you might as well have a stretcher ready because Jason Campbell's gonna get sacked, Patrick Ramsey-style.

3. I say that you're losing your tan, but Patriots Boyfriend insists that you go to tanning beds still. Regardless of who's right, neither answer makes you look any better as a coach. I wish that he wasn't so obesessed with your tan, though. It concerns me a little; more than when he calls certain men "studs," but less than when he actually makes out with them. Is it true that it's not cheating if the person is of the same sex?

4. I think that those were enough harsh truths for one day. I may have more for you tomorrow, so please visit this site, or swing by my house after practice. I have Christmas candy (well...green and red wrapped normal candy)!

No Regards,

Karen

P.S. If you're shopping for a Christmas gift for me, I just want the Redskins to win the Super Bowl. You don't have to get me anything else.

Play Like You're Actually Good at Your Job

2008-12-04T10:22:00.003-05:00

Dear Carlos Rogers,

I'm not going to blame our loss to the Giants on you (that's what we have kickers and coaches for), but I feel that I must reprimand you for something. Do you remember Eli Manning throwing the football right to Shawn Springs? You might have missed that as you dove right in front of Shawn and made sure that neither of you got the ball. So, um, why'd you go and do that? First, isn't it kind of a jerk move to steal a play from your teammate? Second, if you're going to steal an interception from your teammate, shouldn't you at least GET THE FREAKING INTERCEPTION?

Also, there was another play where you missed a tackle. Way to go. You know who else missed a tackle once? Leigh Torrence. Think about it.

As you get ready to play the Ravens on Sunday night, please remember to play like you're actually good at your job. Obviously I always want / need the Redskins to win, but this game is especially important because Patriots Boyfriend has been complaining constantly that he needs the Ravens to lose to help out the Gaytriots and says that he'll stop rooting for the Redskins if they don't win. It's cute that he believes that I care about his team's playoff chances or, you know, what he thinks because I don't, but I DO care if he's complaining all the time. It's annoying!

Please Win!

Karen

Bet You Want to Know What We Call Mangini and Reid!

2008-12-01T09:07:00.007-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

I made a list of all the crappy things that your guys did yesterday, but I don't have it on me right now so I guess that I'll have to wing it. Kinda like what you did yesterday with your playbook.

We are never going to make the playoffs if we can't convert on third downs!!!! I simply do not understand why Jason Campbell throws to players inside the first down line when we're on third down. It makes absolutely no sense. Even if one of our guys catches the ball, he's usually brought down immediately, making sure that we have to punt the ball away.

Here's another problem: Shaun Suisham. I know that it's easy to blame things on the kicker (remember: kickers aren't people like us), but it's especially easy when he misses a field goal in almost every game. I've defended him for too long and you know what I've gotten out of it? Not field goals. He's missed eight field goals this season, and missed one in each of the last three games. That's a 72.4% success rate which translates to a D+ in Fairfax County Public Schools. That's the best that you guys can do? A D+? Awesome.

And how about those penalties? There's nothing better when you're losing than to shoot yourself in the foot, too. Kind of like when the Redskins are losing and I try to pick a fight with Patriots Boyfriend even though he won't fight with me when I have the craaaazy eyes (It's fun...I say things like Eric Mangini is a great guy and Bill Belichick is a terrible person and a cheater...which reminds me that Patriots Boyfriend wants the world to know that he hates Mangini with a fiery passion, but I can't repeat here what he calls him because it's wildly inappropriate. I said it about Andy Reid yesterday, though, and I don't think that Patriots Boyfriend had ever been so proud of me).

Sigh. You disappoint me very much, Zorn.

Keeping from Weeping,

Karen

P.S. Heard on WMZQ this morning from DJ Brian Egan (regarding Malcolm Kelly and how he and the "young guys" can't catch any balls: "He can't even catch a cold!" I laughed.

What Are the Rules for That Up There?

2008-11-30T09:24:00.003-05:00

Dear Sean Taylor,

I hope that you can read this up there in Heaven. I'm assuming that's where you are because that's where all Redskins go when they die (Cowboys and Eagles go to purgatory for one more chance to root for the 'Skins). A year and three days after your death, I think that Redskins fans all over have learned and seen a lot that they never expected.

We saw the team become more than a team as they mourned together and turned what was shaping up to be a losing season into a mad run to the playoffs...where we lost anyway...seriously, you couldn't help them out even a little? What are the rules for that up there?

We saw Saint Joe Gibbs retire from coaching for what is surely the last time.

We saw Clinton Portis clam up...and you know the world isn't right when he's not talking in a crazy costume.

We saw that Dan Snyder actually maybe has a heart as he stayed with your family through everything and took on all the expenses surrounding flying the team and their wives down to your funeral. I don't know if he was one of the people behind plexi-glassing your locker, but that was a cool move.

Most of all, Dan Snyder is doing the right thing by inducting you into the Ring of Fame this afternoon. It's a huge honor (I'm sure that you're aware) and you deserve it. So I guess that I can agree with Mr. Snyder on a few things...but he better not get too used to it.

Finally, Sean, I hope that you'll be our twelfth man for the rest of the season (we can't get in trouble for it if the refs can't see you!) starting this afternoon against the Giants. In the past we've had the "Five-and-oh, or we don't go!" chants and we've done it (and, of course, screwed up against Seattle in the first playoff game...but they can't go this year!), so please help out your team.

Love,

Karen

P.S. We'll always miss you.

Are You a Secret Weapon for Dallas?

2008-11-26T12:19:00.005-05:00

Dear Shaun Suisham,

I'm writing to you even though you're a kicker and, therefore, not a real football player. Currently, you're at a 75% for successful field goals this season and I want to know why. I remember a cold, snowy/icy Thursday night last year when I sat in the stands with my feet resting on a slab of ice, watching you practice kicking field goals before we beat the Chicago Bears. I saw you make a 65-yard field goal that cleared the goal post with yards to spare. So how is it that you suddenly can't make a 43-yarder?

I decided to do some research. I already knew that you were Canadian and I'm willing to overlook that because my grandparents were born in Canada. You can't help where you were born anymore than I can help dreaming that Patriots Boyfriend cheated on me and then (upon waking) treating him like crap for a week as punishment--just so he'll know not to do it in real life. I found out something pretty sinister about you, though, Shaun, and I'm going to reveal it now! YOU WERE ONCE A DALLAS COWBOY!

There. I've outed you. So did you really get cut for sucking, or are you here as a secret weapon to ruin our Super Bowl dreams? That's why Brad Johnson screwed up so much when he filled in for Tony Romo; as the Redskins' secret agent player, he stopped at nothing to make sure Dallas would have to play catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup) after Romo's boo-boo (thanks again, Brad!!).

Even though you were a Cowboy once upon a dreadful time, I'm not clamoring for your dismissal. Firstly, we have no one to take your place. Secondly, you're more than just a kicker. You've made seven tackles in this season and last combined. Most kickers can only kick the ball and cry when they wake up on the homebound plane with permanent marker on their faces. Also, kickers are usually so weak (because they can't practice with the big boys) that when they try to tackle a kick returner, the kick returner usually just shakes them off...or darts in a different direction confounding the kicker--kickers only go in one direction.

So please shape up. As you know, everytime I tell a player to stop sucking, they get cut (Durant Brooks, Leigh Torrence, Shaun Alexander--he's getting a farewell letter soon!). So I will not say that you suck...but...get better so that you we don't have to discuss this again.

So, Score on Sunday!

Karen

Your Future Plane Rides Depend Upon It

2008-11-24T08:28:00.005-05:00

Dear Ladell Betts,

Hey, do you remember that time when we were playing the Seattle Seahawks and you fumbled the ball, we almost lost the game, but we didn't, and then we all had a good laugh about it?

Well, not me. I did not have a good laugh. I didn't even have a bad laugh--there was no laughing! Fumbles upset me, Ladell. Bunches. They also make me wonder why you hate the Redskins.

Is it because Clinton Portis is better than you and gets the ball more often? It's not really fair to hate someone because they're awesome, Ladell. Please keep that in mind. You should be glad that you're our number two guy...because clearly, we need someone who doesn't fumble the freaking ball and give the Seahawks plenty of time to come back and win the game. I will say that you're better than Shaun Alexander, but so is my 8-year old cousin. Hope.

I hope that after the game you bought Shawn Springs a nice steak dinner for saving your butt by intercepting on Matt "I Wish I Was as Cool as My Sister-in-Law Elisabeth" Hasslebeck. Without that interception, we might have lost and you would have gone home on a different plane from the rest of your team. It's been known to happen.

Anyway, I'm sure that we're not going to get rid of you (thanks to Shawn Springs), so please shape up. Your future plane rides with the team depend upon it.

No More Fumbles!

Karen

Your Glory Days Are Behind You

2008-11-21T12:22:00.005-05:00

Dear Shaun Alexander,

So I'm not too sure why Jim Zorn wanted you on his team. I heard somewhere that you used to be good, but I've seen nothing to indicate that since you arrived. Dan Snyder has a habit of signing guys to the Redskins whose glory days are behind them and I think that's the case here, too. You will follow in the ranks of Deion Sanders (ugh...everytime a Cowboy wears a Redskins jersey a litter of kittens drown) and all the rest. Redskins Hater wants me to include Jason Taylor in this list, but that's too early to be seen--I mean, he's been injured for so much of the season. But that doesn't keep him from dancing. Does it?

Anyhoo, please start playing better. Keep in mind what happened to Durant Brooks and Leigh Torrence....

Ominously yours,

Karen

Paint My SUV!

2008-11-19T12:50:00.005-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

What the hell, man? We lost to Dallas because you didn't hate them enough. It's like you just stood back there on the sidelines going, "Well, boys, we beat them last time so it's their turn to beat us. Now stop intercepting Romo's passes!" I don't mind telling you, Coach, that that is not a great gameplan. In fact, it's a terrible one.

It's bad enough that Redskin fans have to deal with seeing Cowboys fans everywhere we go. We shouldn't have to lose to them, too! I mean, sure we beat them in some areas; like you are a much better looking coach than Wade Phillips. Jason Campbell generally doesn't look as foolish as Tony Romo, Terrell Owens is a much bigger jerk than any of the Redskins, blah blah blah.

But that doesn't change the fact that we scored fewer points and lost the game. I'm pretty displeased and I think that you know it. Here are some things that you can do to get in my good graces again:

1. Win. It sounds complex, I know, but isn't that hard. I mean, the Tennessee Titans are doing it every week and we all know that THEY can't be better than us.

2. Paint my car burgundy with gold trim and require each starting Redskin to paint their own original picture on the hood and doors. Don't worry; I have an SUV so there's plenty of room.

3. Have the team clean my apartment. I win by not having to do it myself (or beg Patriots Boyfriend to do it for me) and you win by finding a unique punishment for the team members who screwed up on Sunday night.

4. Give referree Jeff Triplett a noogie for me. Not only will I enjoy it, but fans everywhere will. He kinds sucks as a ref, doesn't he? I bet that if you get fined, Tom Cruise's best gal pal will pay you back. He loves it when people are jerks...especially him!

You may choose any of my suggestions. I don't have a preference.

Get Better at Coaching Soon!

Karen

P.S. The Seahawks suck. If we lose to them, you're dead to me. If we beat them, though, it means nothing because we SHOULD beat them. Beat the Giants and maybe people will like you again.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?"

2008-11-18T12:11:00.005-05:00

Dear Jason Campbell,

We have a problem. I could say that the problem is you, but it's not. You're doing okay. Just okay, though; don't go getting cocky. Redskins Dad blames you, but he's a Hater. Here's what he has to (um, wrongly) say:

1. On third downs, you need to stop throwing the ball to people who are several yards away from the first down line. Even when they catch the ball, they're tackled before they can get there. Now I love an exciting fourth-and-one situation as much as the next Redskin SuperFan (except...I'm the only one! At least I'm the only one clever enough to get a gmail account advertising it), but I don't enjoy being in the position where we have to decide to go for it or punt.

2. You shouldn't be quarterback. This is why Redskins Dad is a hater and why I'm totally going to stop speaking to him after I get all my Christmas gifts...or maybe I'll wait until after my birthday (April 8th! Buy me a drink!). Jason, I think that you can be a terrific quarterback. Maybe you'll never be Brett Favre or John Elway, but you'll also never be Ryan Leaf or Matt Cassell (take THAT, Patriots Boyfriend!).

Anyway, I told Redskins Dad that it's not your fault if your coach calls lousy plays. You're welcome.

Until you get a few more wins, though, you're going to have to deal with Haters. I work with a guy who calls himself a Redskin fan...but he's really a Hater. Week after week he gets to go to the games for free (yes, I'm bitter!) and comes into work on Monday (or Tuesday) with more complaints! It's always, "I'm disappointed" or "They suck" or "I'm gay." Yep. One's sexuality is determined by how much he or she roots for the Redskins. This is what brought on the whole "Homo for Romo" phenomenon in Dallas.

"Karen, how can I spot a Hater?" you might ask. Well, I'm GLAD you asked.

1. A Hater claims to love the Redskins, but bashes them at every opportunity. If you say "Good morning!" a Hater replies, "I'm not rooting for the Redskins anymore."

2. When you stick up for your team because you actually know what true loyalty is, Haters will snarkily tell you to stop kidding yourself. They will also claim that "snark" isn't a word. If you offer to get a dictionary, they won't let you because they know that you are right (especially when you're a freaking editor)!

3. A Hater won't admit that the Redskins did anything well. When you point out that interception by DeAngelo Hall and how great it was, the Hater will refuse to give him any credit. A Hater will reply that if Hall caught more interceptions, maybe the Redskins wouldn't have lost (...sometimes it's difficult to argue with facts like that, but Haters still suck for their disloyalty).

4. A Hater will complain that they got "nothing" from sitting out for several hours in the cold while at the game (seriously...they will...Redskins Hater just came up and said it after reading over my shoulder). You know what, though? There are tons of LOYAL fans that would LOVE to get FREE tickets to Redskin games and would never complain about sitting in the cold, supporting the team that they adore.

There you have it, Jason Campbell. That's what a Hater is. How can you avoid a Hater? Well, don't come to my office and don't go to my parents' house. But you can come to my apartment in Ashburn after practice anytime you like. I'll give you beer and homemade party mix and I promise not to burn it. Invite any of the rest of the guys, too. There's room for you all if no more than thirteen of you want to sit down.

Love,

Karen

By "Job" I Mean "Paid for Sunbathing"

2008-11-16T00:51:00.008-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Are you playing Clinton Portis or not? Enquiring minds (just mine) want to know! Can you just tell ME? I promise that I won't tell anyone else. See, the thing is, I'm freaking out a little here. It could be all the Red Bull-and-vodkas I've had or it could be my insecurity over the Redskins' skills. It's a toss up. Anti-Redskins Best Friend would say it's the vodka, but she's wrong about anything that's sports-related, so there you go. Always wrong.

I recently (like ten minutes ago) read something from some Dallas newspaper saying that the Cowboys are assuming that CP is playing. Now, I want him to play more than you do (I do!!!), but I also don't like any Cowboys being right. So I don't even know what to pray for (I also hate ending sentences with prepositions, but what am I going to do? Besides, I doubt that most people who read this know what prepositions are). Anyway, I want Portis to play. I also want to screw with the Cowboys. I'm sure that there is a way that both of these things can happen. Here are some suggestions:

1. Have Clinton Portis dress up in a Durant Brooks jersey. The Cowboys are too stupid to know that he's not our punter anymore; Portis can kick and even catch the ball all by himself, even though that's not really his job. That's how good he is.

2. Instead of instant replays, show local Clinton Portis commercials on the Jumbotron. The Cowboys will be confused. How can he be on that screen and be at the game at the same time? That doesn't seem possible. Clearly, he can't be playing. Foolish Cowboys.

3. Clinton Portis should play poorly for the first half and lull the Cowboys into a false sense of security (just like Anti-Redskins Best Friend's bunny rabbit does before she scratches the hell out of me) and then when the third quarter starts--BAM!! He goes crazy and gets mad yardage and schools the Cowboys. I will buy the DVD of that game. I will even start the bidding at $1 billion dollars. Anyone want to beat that? I doubt it. I win.

In conclusion, Jim Zorn, you should tell the world that Portis isn't playing, and then at the last minute, tell the world that they are idiots for believing you because Clinton Portis is the man and he'll be there. At the game. Winning it for Washington. All Redskin fans will bow down before you and even worship you in a creepy way if you beat Dallas TWICE in your first season of coaching. Also, two wins against Dallas = five free years of coaching. You'll have' a job for years!!! I wish I had a job for years. And by "job" I mean, "paid for sunbathing".

You know about sunbathing, right? At least you're familiar with tanning beds. Patriots Boyfriend still asks me about that. And I still hit him. Until he hits back. Sigh.

Beat Dallas!!

Karen

Please Look at Your Backups!

2008-11-13T12:38:00.004-05:00

Dear Clinton Portis,

Are you better yet? We need you to play on Sunday night for many different reasons. Here they are:

1. For the love of God, please look at your backups! Your backups aren't as good as you. Also, I've never heard of ONE player having FOUR backups! That's pretty sweet. You should see if you can get them to cover for you outside of games, too. If you can't show up for an Eastern Motors commerical shoot, just ask Mike Sellers to take your place, for example. I'm sure that he can sing that annoying jingle just as well as you can.

2. Your yards-per-season record. Come on, you almost have 1000 yards! How are you ever going to beat Eric Dickerson's record if you don't play in every game? To beat his record you currently need to get 159 yards per game, including this one. If you don't play in this game, that jumps up to about 185 yards. That doesn't seem quite as doable.

3. This. Is. Dallas. Come on, please play? We HAVE to beat the Cowboys! Are you willing to sit on the sidelines and watch us potentially lose? We're honoring Darrell Green and Art Monk at this game. If we lose because you didn't play, I have it on good authority (or do I?) that they might sprain your other MCL. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, you should play, but the team should continue to tell the media (and the dirty Cowboys) that you aren't playing so that you'll surprise everyone...especially Dallas.

Get Well Soon!

Karen

We All Do Things to Shame Ourselves

2008-11-11T13:13:00.004-05:00

Dear Leigh Torrence,

Wow. You were let go. I definitely saw that coming as addressed in my last letter to you, but I had no idea how much attention Coach Zorn pays attention to my blog. Apparently he reads it often and respects my irrefutable advice.

We all make mistakes, Leigh; you didn't cover your guy in the game versus the Rams, and last night I drunkenly swore up and down to Patriots Boyfriend that he was wrong in thinking that the Arizona Cardinals are in the NFC. "They're AFC West!" I shouted. "You don't even need to look it up!" I proceeded to do a happy "I'm right!" dance before he showed me that I was wrong. Then he spent the next half an hour trying to coax me out of my room because I refused to come out and face that I was wrong about something.

See? We all do things to shame ourselves. Luckily for you, you'll never shame the Redskins again! Good news! The bad news is that you don't get to play for the best team ever (The Redskins) again, either. Sorry.

Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors. Maybe next time you won't allow the Rams to score on us.

Bye!!!

Karen

I Made Up a Song

2008-11-10T11:52:00.002-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Did you miss me during your bye week? I'm sure that you did. You don't even have to say anything because I already know.

We have a very big game on Sunday night and I want to make sure that you're prepared. Previously, I've castigated you on your lack of burning hatred for the Dallas Cowboys. Have you fixed this yet? It's kind of important. If we lose because you didn't hate enough, well, you'll be getting more letters, mister!

I was sad that we didn't have a game yesterday, but I made myself feel better by drinking lots of wine and hard cider at a party. When I got home I made up a song regarding Sunday Night Football. Here it is in it's entirety:

I love football
I love football
I love football
And I can't wait to watch!

I love football
I love football
I love football
And I can't wait to watch!

It's rather repetitive, I know, but this makes it easier to remember. I debated on whether to post it because I don't know how many Cowboys fans read this (um, none?) and the Cowboys are known for stealing Redskin songs (like "Hail to the Redskins". They copyrighted it out from under us--before I was born!!). You may share it with the rest of the Redskins team if you like (but it's more of a fan song).

Anyhoo, please instruct your team to play like they did the last time we played (and beat!) the Cowboys. If you don't, I will.

Sincerely,

Karen

If You Didn't Lose, I Wouldn't Whine

2008-11-04T10:38:00.004-05:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Know what I'm voting for today? Never seeing the burgundy-on-burgundy uniforms again. This is something that everyone in Washington will clamor for, regardless of political affiliation. Republicans and Democrats will reach across the aisle, join hands, sing "Hail to the Redskins" and be happy for about five seconds that they've finally agreed on something!

Also, I haven't voted the Redskins ticket for the Pro Bowl yet and I refuse to until you stop making me cry. I'm sitting here, hopped up on caffeine with the jitters all because of you. Coffee kept me up until 1:30 am because I wanted to stay awake for the entire game (thanks so much for losing!) and then when I got up at 5:00 am I had to have more to stay awake for the rest of today because Patriots Boyfriend thinks that Red Bulls are free game at my apartment and drinks them like they're water so I'm completely out and you know what else? I hate coffee! I hate the jitters! And I hate waiting in line for an hour and half to vote and being late to work and can't you do something about that since I vote in Ashburn and that's where the Redskins are?

*Takes deep breath* So. I'm caffeinated, nauseated, and sad all at once. And hungry. And I've sneezed like twice.

All because you lost to the Steelers in the burgundy-on-burgundy uniforms. Thanks, Zorn.

Don't Care if I'm Whiny,

Karen

You Wound My Soul

2008-11-04T00:15:00.002-05:00

Dear Redskin Team,

You wound my soul and break my heart.

Crying myself to sleep,

Karen

P.S. Why? For the love of God, why? :'(

"They're Big, Bad, and They're Mean!"

2008-11-03T12:52:00.004-05:00

Dear Santana Moss,

Please come out and play tonight! We need you! I hear that you're "questionable" and my question is how can you do this to us?! I know that you got hurt last Sunday and I understand the importance of getting better, blah blah blah, but you have thirteen whole days to get better after this game! That's tons of time! So what if you get a tiny bit banged up tonight? Won't it be worth it to beat the Steelers?

Come on. I know that you have it in you to be awesome tonight. Don't you want to do another 80-yard punt return for a touchdown? Of course you do! So get out there and get it done. I won't take no for an answer.

Oh, and if you DON'T play and we LOSE? You're in trouble. Just sayin'.

Love,

Karen

P.S. Check out this page and click on the Redskins version of the song to get you in game mode: http://www.thelosttrailers.net/football/?account_id=220380 The band is from Alexandria, so no matter how many versions there are, the Redskins one is the REAL one. I'm almost 100% sure. And I will fight anyone who says differently...or get Patriots Boyfriend to do it. He likes to hit. :-(

Italian Beef Everywhere!!!

2008-10-30T14:46:00.003-04:00

Dear Jason Campbell,

What's with the fumbles, Jason? I have to know. You were doing so well for so many games and now look at you.

It's hard for me to make fun of you, though, because you just seem so nice and you always look like you KNOW that you messed up. Other guys would laugh it off and I'd scream at them through the TV, but not you. You show a great balance of taking the blame while still soldiering on.

Monday night is a big game. Perhaps you didn't know, but the Redskins have accurately predicted the winner of the popular vote for the last seventeen elections. Actually, in my not-so-humble opinion, they've predicted the winner flat out. You see, Jason, the last Redskins home game prior to the election determines the election results: if the Redskins win, so does the incumbent party. Likewise, if the Redskins lose, the incumbent party loses. Only one time was the winner not accurately predicted; let's review:

It was October 31, 2004, and we were playing the Green Bay Packers on a Sunday afternoon. I'd already insisted to my Packers Friend that she needed to root for the Redskins if she wanted President George W. Bush to win again, though to this day I'm not sure if I convinced her. Maybe it was the George W. Bush thing. Anyway, I watched in horror as the Redskins were falsely penalized right and left for a total of 82 yards...okay, maybe not every single penalty was a mistake, but I still remember my outrage from that game, so I'm pretty sure that some of them were bad calls. Anyway, when the game was done I swore up and down the the president would be re-elected (don't judge me--he didn't suck as much then) because the Redskins SHOULD HAVE won.

And I was right. He did win. And the Redskins should have won.

So what does this mean for Monday night? Well, here it is: I don't know your political affiliations, but you can't lose this game on purpose just because you don't want a President McCain. I don't care if Barack Obama (haha...I typed O'Bama accidentally...he could be our first black Irish president!) is your brother or cousin (well...you're both black, so there's a chance, right? Bill Gates and I are both white and I keep writing to him, asking for money for me, his cousin, but he ignores me: www.letterstobillgates.com), you still can't throw a game. Also, Obama is a Chicago Bears fan and do we really want someone like that in the White House? There'll be Italian beef everywhere!!! Hmm...maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

Anyhoo, don't throw the game! And congrats on half a season without an interception! You're doing great, so work on not fumbling.

Thanks!

Karen

Thanks for Listening!

2008-10-27T11:13:00.008-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm sorry. We came close to losing yesterday and it's my fault: I didn't wear my jersey or my lucky jeans.

Come to think of it, this is Patriots Boyfriend's fault. He ran in the Marine Corps Marathon yesterday and I had to go with him, making me unable to wear my lucky jeans. Anyway, because he actually finished the race (03:48:53!!!!!) we knew that we couldn't get to Ashburn by game time, so we went to a bar in Rosslyn instead. Anyway, Patriots Boyfriend is apparently great at running marathons and I'd suggest that you hire him except that as a Patriots fan, he is clearly untrustworthy. This is why there is a combination lock on my fridge; if he wants milk, he has to buy the cow first.

Since we won, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. Also, Redskins Dad told me that I'm being too mean. I told him that he's worthless and a horrible father and doesn't know what he's talking about. (Me? Mean?! Bah!) Then I decided that if you listened to anything I say ever, I could tone down the snark.

And you did! In a letter to former (yay!) punter Durant Brooks, I said not to let Antwaan Randle-El do punt returns because he's bad at it. You MUST remember because you listened to me (even though you shouldn't be reading another person's mail--no matter how bad a player he was). Thanks for putting Moss in because Santana Claus brought us an awesome gift with that 80-yard punt return.

Anyhoo, please beat the Steelers on Monday night. Or you'll be hearing from me.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. Check out my awesome new header! My work buddy, JR, created it for me! Thanks, JR!

For Shame, Jim Zorn

2008-10-22T09:50:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

What's the deal with getting all these (well, two) former Seattle Seahawks on our team? I mean, Ryan Plackemeier is much better than Durant Brooks, but so is everybody else. I bet that Sonny Jurgenson could suit up and beat the crap out of Durant Brooks, blindfolded. Sonny is sort of my hero (reports of drunk driving nonwithstanding). A commenter on this esteemed blog (it's esteemed by me!) questioned why we picked up that hack Shaun Alexander instead of young, fresh, awesome Marcus Mason. I wonder, too.

Mason is absolutely great. Maybe he's not a Chris Horton and maybe he was only absolutely great against second- and third-string opposing players during preseason, but shouldn't that have have been enough to secure a position with us? I mean, really, when you were looking at all the rookies that you drafted, you decided that Durant Brooks was a winner and Marcus Mason, with his crazy breakaways and awesome yardage, just didn't have what it takes?

I don't care if Shaun Alexander knows your offense already; if you'd kept Mason on from the beginning, he would not only know the offense, but he'd also have been practicing with Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts and learning from them. Now Mason is on the Baltimore Ravens' practice squad and if that's not a horrible place to be, I don't know what is (besides Dallas and Philadelphia).

For shame, Jim Zorn. For shame.

Disappointed in You,

Karen

P.S. You should know that some important people might be reading this blog. The CBS announcers on Sunday said some of the very things during their in-game commentary that I've said in my letters! Like the thing about not reading Chris Horton's name because his hair covers the top of his jersey! That's classic Redskin Letters material! Gosh. All someone has to do is mention being slapped around by Patriots Boyfriend and I'll know that they're reading for sure!

Please Take My Threats Seriously

2008-10-21T10:15:00.004-04:00

Dear Clinton Portis,

Congratulations on having 818 yards in seven games...that's pretty cool!

You know what's not cool, though, CP? FUMBLING. Yeah, I said it. You don't get a free pass from me just because Phil Dawson missed that field goal and no points were scored off of your horrendous error. If that field goal was made, we probably would have ended the game in overtime and perhaps LOST the game.

You're lucky that our defense is so great (shout out to London Fletcher!). I hope that in the future you'll remember that you're not God, you CAN drop the ball, and you should always keep two arms around the ball. Preferably your arms.

Now get out there, do your thing and don't screw up again or I won't vote for you for the Pro Bowl. Yes, I'm threatening you. Do your worst!

Love,

Karen

P.S. Can you try to beat the record for most rushing yards in a season? The record was made in 1984 by Eric Dickerson with 2105. To get 2106 yards, you'll need to average 143.1 yards a game for the rest of the season. I believe in you. One of my buddies at work doesn't, though, so let's prove him wrong!

Want to Live off of Ramen?

2008-10-17T14:10:00.004-04:00

Dear Leigh Torrence,

On Sunday, you were pretty much given one responsibility during the entire game. That was to make sure that your guy didn't get yardage or score. Since you're paid millions of dollars to do ONE thing, I think that you should have done it. And with a smile on your face, since you don't have to do too much to get all that cash. How would you like to do my 40-hour a week job for my middle-class salary? You wouldn't like it very much at all, I bet. Unless you want to live off of Ramen noodles (luckily, I think that Ramen is fabulous).

Your playing on Sunday, though, was not fabulous. Clearly you need instruction from an editor with too much time on her hands, so here it is: cover your guy next time! If I write to you in the future it better be because you did something great on the field...or else I'll start making fun of you much like I did Durant Brooks (little known "fact": Durant Brooks was glad to be cut to avoid being cut further from my words).

Stop Sucking!

Karen

Please Continue to be Awesome

2008-10-16T12:20:00.004-04:00

Dear Chris Horton,

I'm going to take a break from my mean letters to write a nice one for you. You are awesome. Watching you intercept a pass would bring tears to my eyes if my heart wasn't ice cold (the only thing that makes me cry is beatings from Patriots Boyfriend--just kidding. I still don't cry then. I get what I deserve). Anyhoo, here are some things that I like about you:

1. How you intercept the ball.

2. How you tackle enemy players.

3. How you act sort of humble even though you know that you're one of the best players on the team.

4. How you were our final pick in the draft--saving best for last! Clearly picking Durant Brooks ahead of you was a mistake...coughVinnyCerratocough. Besides, who drafts a freaking punter ever? (Eh...I actually don't know too much about that, but one of the guys at work told me that it was a loser move).

5. Um...your hair? Although I must say that I had no idea what your name was for a while because I couldn't read the back of your jersey and because I rarely trust what Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and Tony Siragusa say when they announce our games. One time they were talking about how Coach Zorn was yelling at the kicker for missing a field goal when it said "Brooks" right across the player's jersey. That's right. He was yelling at Durant Brooks for messing up the holding for the kick. Man, I'm glad that we got rid of him! Still, though, if your hair was shorter, I'd have known your name sooner and you wouldn't have inconvenienced me. Just sayin'.

In conclusion, please continue to be awesome and maybe you could teach your buddies on the team a thing or two.

So Glad We Have You,

Karen

Don't be a Hero, Pete

2008-10-15T15:02:00.003-04:00

Dear Pete Kendall,

Okay, I feel bad for you. I know that you weren't trying to give away the game to the Rams, but guess what? You did. You and Durant Brooks, our former (yay!) punter.

Here's the thing: I know that your position is rough. You're a guard. You never get the glory, the money, the swag, or the panties thrown at you from adoring fans. I get it! You want to be a rockstar on the field. I wanted to be a rockstar on the field during PowderPuff football back in high school, but instead I got to stand around gossiping while the football players/our coaches put their girlfriends in the game instead. I'm not bitter or anything, though. Anyway, you and I will never be rockstars, but at least you get to go out there and hang out with the rockstars on offense! You lucky thing, you! I know that you said that you had no "delusions of grandeur", but let's face it: you tried to move the ball knowing nothing about how to hold onto it.

Shoot. I think that I could've hung onto the ball at least...you know, until I was snapped like a twig.

All right. I'm going to let you go so that you can get back to practice, as you need a lot of it. From now on, don't be a hero, Pete.

Sincerely?

Karen

Why Haven't You Left Yet?

2008-10-14T09:29:00.004-04:00

Dear Durant Brooks,

I'd hoped that this would be a farewell letter, but apparently you're still on the team. I think that all of Washington, D.C. is surprised by that! Yeah, yeah, I heard something about you needing an MRI and there is something wrong with your hamstring or your leg or something else that I don't care very much about.

Look, man: you kinda suck. I mean, you're the worst punter in the NFL. That's something, right? I mean, if there was an award for lousiest first-string punter in the NFL you'd win! Hands down! So one could argue that you are, in fact, a winner, not a loser.

Not me, though. Sure, there were tons of problems that the Redskins need to fix, but you are by far the biggest problem. We gave the Rams great field position nearly everytime and we need someone who can execute. The only thing that you executed was our chance at winning.

Here is my suggestion for who should replace you: Chris Horton. I know that he's a safety, but I feel sure that he'll be better than you. Second choice: Antwaan Randle El. The only thing he's not good at is punt returning; otherwise he can catch and throw the ball. Maybe Horton could take over for the punt returning...he can do it all!

So long,

Karen

P.S. What's with the name? I figured that you were Canadian and that would explain something like "Durant", but you were born in Georgia. What gives?

The Only Turnovers I Like Have Apples in Them!

2008-10-13T11:42:00.004-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

The Rams? Seriously? You gave up a game to the RAMS? Yesterday's only bright side was the Cowboys' loss to Arizona. Even though you already sort of know what you did wrong, here's a helpful reminder:

Problem #1: Durant Brooks, Punter. Can we even call him a punter? Maybe we should change his title to "Rams' Secret Weapon".

Problem #2: Pete Kendall, Guard. Well, he didn't guard us against a touchdown, did he? Nope. Sure didn't. I kind of feel bad for this guy, but I feel worse that we lost so he'll be getting a letter this week, too.

Problem #3: Turnovers. This goes back to Kendall, Campbell, and Coooooley. I'm still simmering over this, since we were the only team without offensive turnovers! And now we have three! Come on!

Problem #4: Arrogance. Your team went in expecting to beat the horns off the Rams, and instead they are the ones who got gored (do you like what I did there with the horns thing? Okay, never mind). Every team has the potential to beat you, especially when you're helping by beating yourselves (like with turnovers). This is what they teach you at Head Coach Camp, but apparently you had a hot date with the tanning bed on that day.

Because of your loss, I will increase my weekly letters from two to a gazillion (or...I don't know...five?).

Still Angry with You,

Karen

P.S. You should thank Incognito for that 15-yard penalty at the end. I'm not talking to him; even though he did his best to help us win, it didn't work, we still lost and he's still a major jerk.

Leave it to the Gecko

2008-10-06T09:19:00.004-04:00

Dear Jason Campbell,

Hiya. You and I haven't talked much, but I'm a fan. A much bigger fan of you this season than I was any other season. You see, you used to kind of suck. You weren't AWFUL, but you weren't great. I'll even admit that I was glad when Todd Collins took over for you last season, though I was unhappy that you were hurt.

Here's the thing: I always knew that you could be great. When others bashed you from September on through the season, I maintained that you had IT in you, whatever IT is. I defended you to the world, though I had my doubts.

NO LONGER. I know that yesterday wasn't your best game ever. You didn't pass for any touchdowns, you were sacked once, and there were many incomplete passes. You were still great for a lot of reasons, though:

1. The only thing the Eagles did well was cover Santana Moss, but did you pull a Tony Romo to T.O. and keep throwing him the ball, anyway? Nope. You worked with what you had.

2. No turnovers! I don't want to jinx the team by highlighting that, but it MUST be highlighted! In thirteen games last season, you had nineteen turnovers...that's almost 1 1/2 per game! And now, none.

3. You passed to Chris Cooley a bunch, giving him (and me!) 19 Fantasy Football points instead of the projected 8. My record this week might improve to 3-2!

Anyway, I'm glad that you're coming into your own and that your confidence is through the roof without being arrogant about it. So good luck and keep throwing the ball to Cooooooley.

Love,

Karen

P.S. I do have one tiny criticism...you're a terrible actor. I saw you in the Geico commercials and you're kind of horrible. Leave it to the Gecko.

The Media is Jinxing Us!

2008-10-03T14:28:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

You may be wondering why I'm writing to you today; after all, I already congratulated you on Monday and you haven't screwed up anything in the past four days...that I know about. So why am I writing?

Because you need to look out. The media is jinxing the Redskins like crazy. All I'm seeing are headlines like, "Redskins ride turnover-free football to 3-1 record," "Redskins May Be Around For the Long Haul," and "Masters of disguise: Redskins defense confounds quarterbacks." I don't know what is worse: this blatant jinxing or the headlines that call us the "surprising" Redskins. Which are we? Masters of disguise or just plain lucky?

I'm not sure how you can plan against the bad luck that may befall you, but that's not my job...you're the one paid millions of dollars to figure this out. I will be happy to take a percentage from you for my problem-solving abilities, though. If you're hiring. (I live just a few miles from Redskins Park, so I'll never be late!)

Also, don't let your players start thinking that just because they beat the Cowboys they can just show up and beat everyone else. I know that Vinny Cerrato told Larry Michael on Reskins Nation that the players aren't thinking like that, but I don't trust him. He's too buddy-buddy with Dan Snyder, someone else that I don't trust. (Hmm...maybe Mom was right when she said that people judge you by who you hang out with. That's not good news for me: my friends are drunks and fascists!). That actually reminds me of something else I disapprove of! You let Dan Snyder HUG you! Don't even try to deny it because I saw it live on TV! I'm afraid this means that you've made a deal with the devil and I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, on one hand, it means that we should have an awesome season, but on the other hand, Satan's deals are never good for anyone but him.

In conclusion, do not be friends with Snyder because you'll be sad when he fires you. Also, make sure the 'Skins play well on Sunday. I'd personally appreciate Chris Cooley getting the ball a lot to help my Fantasy Football score. Right now I'm 2-2. Boo hoo.

Sincerely,

Karen

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys/Losers

2008-09-29T10:03:00.007-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Wow. I'm so happy. Yesterday afternoon I put on my Clinton Portis jersey and my lucky jeans and was ready for the game. Patriots Boyfriend was over to watch because the Pats didn't play this week (Patriots Boyfriend was glad because this meant that they couldn't lose!). I burned some party mix and sat down to enjoy the game.

Here are the things that I liked:

1. That you put Chris Horton in (I accidentally typed "Christ" instead of "Chris" at first...Freudian slip??) and he got that interception. Thanks for not relying solely on Reed Doughty (weird...I just googled him to check the spelling of his name, and the search term "reed doughty jersey" came up. Who on earth would want one of those? Maybe his mom).

2. Santana Moss got the ball a lot. I told my buddy at work to look for Moss to be awesome during this game and I was right, so thanks for that.

3. Jason Campbell isn't turning the ball over! Hasn't this whole season! Yay!

4. That you show emotion on the field. It gives me something more to look at than just your tan. Your AWESOME tan. (Patriots Boyfriend: "How does Jim Zorn get so tan?" Me: "Um. He's outside a lot." Patriots Boyfriend: "It's not THAT sunny out." Me: Yes, it is! Go back to Connecticut and freeze to death!")

Here are the things that I didn't like:

1. Casey freaking Rabach. Penalties on TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! This wasn't YOUR fault, but I'm still mad.

2. What the hell was with trying not to lose in the fourth quarter rather than trying to WIN? Always go for the touchdown rather than the field goal.

3. Your dumb "Hip, hip, hooray" cheer in the locker room after winning. You couldn't do better than that?

4. You still don't seem to have the requisite hatred toward the Cowboys yet. Get on that!

Anyway, I'm going to start being a little kinder to you now that we're #2 in the NFC East and we beat the Cowboys in Texas. Please keep up the good work.

Thanks!

Karen

Beating the Cowboys Periodically Since October 9, 1960!

2008-09-26T08:25:00.007-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Sunday is a super big game for you, and you don't even know it, man. Seriously, Dan Snyder might even keep a coach on when he's 2-14 for the season, so long as those two wins are against Dallas. Washington is full of squabbling politicians and lobbyists, but the one thing that brings everyone together is a great defeat of the Dallas Cowboys.

I'm quite disappointed that you do not hold the fiery rage in your heart that all true Redskins fans must when it comes to the Cowboys. You don't understand how big this is: it's more than you and your team...it's for every Washington fan in any town they happen to be in. A Redskins win over any team guarantees a cheerful Washington on Monday, but a Redskins win over the Cowboys ensures cheer everywhere a fan goes. When the 'Skins beat the Cowboys 14-13 on a certain Monday night game three years ago, my entire college campus (2 1/2 hours from D.C.) was in a great mood for days. There were rainbows, sunshine, ninjas, and unicorns for the rest of the week (the roving band of ninjas might have been unrelated, but I choose to believe otherwise).

You seem to not even CARE about this rivalry. I lament that it may take a loss at the hands of the Cowboys before you ever truly realize how important this is. At the very least, please PRETEND to hate those jerks. Also, Joe Gibbs is better than you because he hated the Cowboys more.

Ready for you to step up the hate,

Karen

P.S. Maybe you should listen to WMZQ sometimes. Like this morning, they played "Hail to the Redskins" and "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys" back-to-back and now I'm totally pumped for Sunday and my Cowboys hate is renewed like it should be.

Please Sign My Jersey!

2008-09-21T11:36:00.006-04:00

Dear Clinton Portis,

You're kind of flashy and I dig it. I love it when you dress up as Southeast Jerome and your other characters because I think that it gets fans super excited. Recently, you've been in the news for less than favorable things, but I'm on your side. When I heard that you'd totally bitched out future Hall-of-Famer Brian Mitchell, I was shocked and disappointed...until I heard what Mitchell had been saying. You were completely right to blast him and the media.

I always liked B-Mitch until this happened; this AND what I just heard him say on the Comcast Pre-game show! He said that it was obvious that Joe Gibbs wished that he was doing his NASCAR thing the last four years! WTF?! I'll force myself to admit that Saint Joe wasn't as passionate as he was in the '80s, but he was completely focused on the Redskins during his second tenure. So Brian Mitchell is dead to me, except during those times when Patriots Boyfriend says something like, "Who is Brian Mitchell, anyway?" and I flip out and start naming all of Mitchell's records and how he's going into the Hall and how I hate the Patriots and I hope they all tear their ACLs!

In conclusion, Clinton, you are awesome and the Dirty Thirty is not. Please play today like you did last week because you were on FIRE!!

Love,
Karen

P.S. Will you sign my #26 jersey? I wear it every single game day with my lucky, holey jeans, and I think that it definitely helps as long as I don't watch the game at my best friend's house. She's very anti-Redskins and very powerful...her negative vibes totally overpower the positive, pro-Redskins vibes from myself and her husband.

Please Don't Post Your Junk Online

2008-09-17T08:46:00.003-04:00

Dear Chris Cooley,

This morning I visited the Drudge Report as I do every morning and saw a link titled, "NFL Player Posts Photo of His Genitals on Website". Hovering over the link, I saw that it said something about "local 6 news" so I assumed that it couldn't be a Redskin because we don't have a channel 6 in the DC area. I almost didn't click on the link because I don't care about NFL players' genitalia and I figured that it was some no-name player from another team.

I was so very wrong. The first thing I read when I clicked on the link was "Redskins tight end" and I KNEW IT WAS YOU.

I'm appalled. Not that you accidentally posted your junk on the world wide web, but that it happened because you were studying materials, given to you by Coach Zorn, in the nude. Who studies in the nude? I went to college for five years and I never once did that. Also, if I HAD studied nude, I never would have gotten a camera out to take pictures of study materials on my lap where people might get a better view than I'd like. I'm assuming the materials were on your lap, but please don't correct me if I'm wrong. I don't want to think about this ever again.

In the future, Chris Cooley, please refrain from studying nude and taking pictures and then posting them for the entire world to see. Also, you're on my fantasy team, so can you get Campbell to get you the ball more?

Thanks!

Karen

You Need a New Kicker

2008-09-15T07:48:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

You need a new kicker. I have a very good reason for this and it's not because Shaun Suisham is Canadian. It's not even because he missed TWO field goals yesterday. No, it's for a much more sinister reason than that, but you won't believe me until something bad happens.

My brother thinks that he's a Super Fan, too, but he's not. Whenever he gets a jersey of a Redskin, that player starts sucking big time, and leaves the 'Skins due to trading or injury. He does not have a single current jersey because of this, even though he owns over ten. You'd think he'd learn his lesson and accept that he's jinxed, but he's not terribly bright so he keeps it up. Case in point, this weekend he asks me, "Karen, do you mind if I get a Shaun Suisham jersey?"

I flipped out on him and let him know in no uncertain terms that I mind a lot. He never listens to me, though, so he'll probably get one soon. I'll let you know as soon as that happens so that you can bench Suisham, but for now be on the lookout for a new guy.

Sincerely,

Karen

P.S. I loved Jason Campbell's 67-yard bomb to Santana Moss. It made me squeal. Maybe you don't suck after all.

You Have a Great Tan

2008-09-13T11:44:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

I'm (sort of) sorry if I hurt your feelings on Friday, but you upset me. Do you know how embarrassing it is to date a Patriots fan? His team is always better! I mean...now Tom Brady is out, but still. Anyway, I have to watch the Redskins screw up play after play and THEN listen to my boyfriend say sarcastically, "Well, at least Jim Zorn has a great tan!" Do you know how that made me feel? Joe Gibbs didn't waste time in tanning beds; he spent his time coaching. Maybe you should take a lesson from his playbook.

Annoyed, but still envious of your tan,

Karen

You Coach Poorly On Purpose, Right?

2008-09-05T08:41:00.001-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Some have joked about how Zorn sounds like a villian in a comic book and now you're proving them right. The kind of incompetance I witnessed while we gave away the game to the New York Giants shows me that you had to be doing it on purpose. No one can play THAT poorly, right?

Washington can't take fifteen more games of that crap. Step it up, or I'll write you more letters.

Insincerely,

Karen

Don't Blow it, Jim

2008-09-04T07:29:00.003-04:00

Dear Jim Zorn,

Everyone in Washington is wondering what you're going to do tonight and you better not disappoint. I'd like to officially welcome you to the family, but around here a coach isn't a coach until he's beaten Dallas. This is why Norv Turner didn't join the family until his second year of coaching.

You have a lot to live up to; even though Joe Gibbs wasn't as effective in his second time in Washington, we still worship him in a way that's creepy to outsiders. And, honestly, no one really wanted you for this job. You're just a placeholder until Dan Snyder can buy Bill Cowher from CBS.

If you start winning games for us, though, everyone will soon forget that they never wanted you and will, in fact, defend you to the death. You can't beat the Washington Redskins for their loyalty, even in times of struggle. So good luck. You'll be hearing from me again soon.

Sincerely,
Karen

P.S. I only sign my letters "love" when they're to Joe Gibbs. You are not there yet.